The Reason
Author's Note: This is my first piece of writing for FanFic; reviews & comments would be loved. But you have to read it first! Enjoy.
(and prepare to scroll)
Disclaimer: I do not possess any of the paraphernalia surrounding Harry Potter; they are the property of J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury/Scholastic and Warner Bros.
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" He snarled carelessly, the way he had done to the other Muggle-borns.
"Fine," she said, affronted, bristling and anger bubbling into her chest. " I won't bother you in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."
"No, – listen, I didn't mean –"
"To call me a Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?" The line was drawn, and it was time to say goodbye.
That was back in the time of the Ordinary Wizarding Levels. Now, it was the beginnings of Lily's 6th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She had not forgotten what Severus had said over the summer, it seemed imprinted in her mind. She was very lost; she felt that Severus had just abandoned her, tossed away what had happened in the past. He had, after all, introduced her to the Wizarding World, told her that she was a witch, told her she would attend Hogwarts, he at her side. Just toss away the last five years into the rubbish bin.
Lily could not make herself let go. It was torture during her last 5th year days at Hogwarts, avoiding the Marauders and Severus whenever she could. Although painful to Lily, her friends congratulated her for letting Severus down, advising her to keep it that way. Lily then felt the first rush of defense for Severus since the Mudblood incident; that she was just as well abandoning him.
Yes, there was a part of Lily that was still clinging onto the simple theory that Severus had not yet taken the path of Dark, that he could be called back. The slight hope that Severus Snape would not join the forces of the Death Eaters, the way that had been done by many other Slytherins. Although most of these thoughts were silent, she had summed the courage to ask her next closest friend, Mary Macdonald.
Four months previously…
Lily explained her situation with Mary, hoping she wouldn't advise her to do what the others said. It was the last day at Hogwarts, and Lily and Mary were heading back to the Gryffindor Dorms to pack their bags.
"It's all really very simple, Lily," Mary had said as they mounted the Grand Staircase. "You know, I've always hated the Slytherins ever since I lain eyes upon them, and what Mulciber and Avery did farther encouraged this, but..." Mary paused at this, knowing what thoughts were now crossing Lily's mind. "I have no grudge on Snape, Lils. But don't you see? He's trying to bring you with him, you told that to me, once. You said that Snape hoped you were going to be in Slytherin-"
"Well, yeah! Mary, you don't get it. That was in first year, I'm sure he had no clue why-"
"I remember it perfectly: The Sorting Hat asks what House you want to be in! It just gives you its opinion, that's all, but it's really up to you where you want to go. No, wait, I'm not done!" Lily was just about to interject again, but Mary pushed on: "Lily, you need to think: His mother was in Slytherin, and I'm sure his whole family line is, too! He's influenced by it, ever since his childhood. And now, here are all of the other Slytherin jerks. They keep ebbing him on, Lils. And look what he thought what Mulciber and Avery did to me: Funny. I don't think so, if that hit me..."
There was a silence between them, Lily's brain working, and with all her might, fighting against Mary to prove that there was something good in Snape. They had been friends for so long, before Hogwarts. They had had good laughs, like normal people. Why did there have to be Gryffindor and Slytherin? Always opposing forces, never to be united... Lily knew the point that Mary was trying to make her see. The fact that Snape had literally walked into the Slytherin House, cementing his destiny with the Death Eaters.
"He can change, Mary. Just... just look at Sirius Black. His whole family's in Slytherin, and he ended up in Gryffindor..." Lily chose her next words carefully, having never told anyone this before except Severus. "You don't know him, not the Severus past Hogwarts. When... when my sister was being difficult, shunning me, I would always go to Sev... and he would comfort me. Hours and hours we ticked off, talking and talking... My sister-" Lily's voice cracked at this. It had been difficult enough for her to say her name the first time. Lily had drifted off from her sister... They were in two separate worlds, never to see eye to eye the same way ever again.
Petunia had completely turned her nose up at Lily, ignoring her when she came home for the holidays from Hogwarts. They hardly spoke to each other now, only in rough voices when passing things across the table at dinnertime. And ever since Petunia had gone off with her boyfriend, Vernon, life for Lily plummeted. She had been in troubled times, desperate to string her relationship with Petunia back together, while continue her life as a witch. There were countless days of being taunted and sneered at, thrown dirty and slightly fearful looks as if she was a roach crawling across the floor.
Lily would always seek Severus's comfort, always finding him under the swing sets at the park, he always waiting for her. It was amazing just to get away from it all, to spew all of her emotions from home at Severus; he would simply listen, and in his placate voice, calm her.
"Lily, I know," said Mary quietly, not wanting to stress her friend farther. "But you still need to understand…"
Mary's voice was heard from a far way off, but eventually Lily came to. She gazed forward at the Fat Pink Lady's Portrait, vaguely remembering the night she had come out of it to speak with Severus…
"It's too late, I've made excuses for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends – you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"
A pause. A painful pause in which Lily chose which way it was going to be. It was true; she could not handle this any longer. "I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way. I've chosen mine."
Four months pass, and yet, I have always missed you, always wanting to win back your trust, your faith, your friendship…
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
Wednesday, third day of school. Potions class.
Amortentia Ingredients require: Ashwinder eggs, powdered Griffin's claws, ginger roots, lovage, Valerain petals, and unicorn tail hair.
Lily looked up from her Potions book, only to meet eyes with James Potter. It was what happened next that shocked James, but Lily flashed a grin at him, a glint in her eye that was out of character for her. It was not the cocky grin that James usually gave to her, but more like a smirk, simply stating: "You are in for it." James wheeled in his chair, facing Sirius, and began muttering to him in a voice, Lily thought, was slightly exasperated and anxious. Lily also turned into her seat to face Mary, who had a smug grin on her face.
Good going, Mary mouthed to her, as Slughorn was walking down the isle, glaring critically at Potter for talking during an exam. An open-book exam, so it was quite easy. It was a kind of refresher to the 6th years if they had forgotten all they learned over summer. Lily, of course, had already finished her essay, having been working on potions all summer long, and was thumbing through her copy of Advanced Potion Making. She had flipped to one of the few pages that were marked, and was just now wondering is she had made it correctly... Mary seemed to mirror her thoughts as Slughorn approved of the students' progress and lumbered back to his desk, where he sat with a large noise that made most students look up.
"You think you did it right, Lils?" Mary's grin became more pronounced than ever, "or did you mess up on purpose for... side-effects?"
The snickering of Lily made Severus look up from his work. She did not... snicker often, only when he tripped in the halls and she happened to be watching him. Just hearing her laugh made his spirits raise, but the way she was doing it now made him tense slightly. Curious in the slightest, he continued on his essay that was already finished. He was just checking through it from sheer boredom. He hadn't even used the Potions book; he knew everything by heart, front and back.
"Mudbloods," growled Rodolphus, shaking his head. There was a mumble of assent from the few Slytherins that heard, all but Severus. Bellatrix had nodded her head vigorously, and then contented into staring admiringly at Rodolphus from behind.
"Doll Face," said she after awhile, her voice, usually spiked with poison, now an attempt of flattery. Doll Face was what she called Roddus these days, and it was quite aggravating and embarrassing every time she did it. "Why don't you help me with this essay?"
Rosier caught himself from laughing; it was best not to get Bella into a temper at the moment. Severus sighed inwardly, knowing what Roddus would say next, "Why not ask Severus, Bell? See, he is already done."
"Ah," smirked Bella, snatching the paper before Severus could even react, and never said her thanks as she began to copy his answers. Well, she would ace this test. "Bellatrix, it's an open-book exam." Severus muttered, but otherwise said nothing more on his objection.
The rest of the class Severus spent gazing at Lily's back. This did not go unnoticed, and was thrown dirty looks. The Slytherins did not speak to him, as they had gone through the conversation multiple times as the weeks drew on. It was apparent that Severus was not as willing to let go of her as they had originally thought last year.
This was nothing as to what Severus had done over the summer. His pride had been forgotten, whatever little there was to start with, and attempted to get in contact with Lily; he tried by going to her house, knocking on her door, but no one would answer.
Either Lily had told her parents to ignore him, they were away on a trip, away at all times, or Lily had put a Muffliato charm on her family so as to not hear his desperate knocks on the door. And it was his spell. He had taught it to Lily, and now it was, most likely, being used against him. But that was impossible, thought Severus sourly, as magic was forbidden during the summer. This only made everything worse, not being able to blame magic. He had his own troubles back at his summer home.
It was like walking into a nightmare, returning to the run-down building at the far side of the Spinner's End. Just outside the shabby door, billowing shouts could be heard that rattled the rusted doorknob. And going into the lion's mouth was much more intimidating than the haunted and deserted appearance of the outside.
The foul smell of liquor was always present in the living room, along with the dismal sight of the yellowing walls, threadbare carpets, dilapidated couches, boarded-up windows, and flickering electric lights. And Severus would ignore the shouts of the drunken man, as if it was a whining bee, and retreat to his disgrace-of-a-bedroom.
But even as Severus rode out the everlasting coaster that was his summer, his mind was still set on his future. It tortured him what he had done to Lily; his only true friend was now, simply stated, gone.
The decision was not yet set in stone; it was set on heading in that direction, but not in stone. The significance of reckless choosing would be fatal. There was a path to, perhaps, the beginnings of a more superior future to the current one, or, revolt against everything that was being done. Being done. It was happening before the Minister of Magic's very eyes; people were dieing, their lives being swiped away at a single down stroke of a wand, or being mutilated by a thousand Inferi…
Severus shuddered at the thoughts that were flashing before him, memories of past pictures and the Prophet forming eerie pictures in his mind's eye. He was not joining because of the cruelty of it all. Maybe just for a taste of power, and safety…
During his lapse of thought, Severus was conscious that he was being watched. He looked to his right, and saw Potter scowling at him. Severus glared right back, until Slughorn got in between their stares, positively beaming upon them all. "If everyone is finished," he started, gazing genially at everyone, despite the cold dungeon surroundings and the gloomy mood tests brought on, "take out your Potions book and study the effects of the Confusing Concoction! Does anyone know what else it is called?"
Severus's hand shot up in the air, but Slughorn's backside was facing him. Instead, he spied Lily's hand first. "Yes, milady?"
"The Confusing Draught, Incertus and Befuddlement Drafts, or Essence of Confundence, and, also with the same effects, the Confundus Charm…"
"Mudbloods, look at the way she thinks she knows everything." Muttered Evan Rosier, sneering as Slughorn applauded Lily and awarded Gryffindor 10 house points.
Severus felt like defending Lily, but dropped it. He didn't want to get into another dispute about Mudbloods, especially with Lily in the same room. Severus persisted in raising his hand, a conceited grin on his face. Slughorn looked surprised, but nodded in his direction. "Well," started Severus, avoiding Lily's stare, "there is also the Draught of Perplexity, although, some might argue, it is a completely different potion. This is only in the slightest true, it is simply a variation of the Confusing Concoction; it is merely more complex to make, and in itself, causing the maker to become perplexed. If made correctly, it has the same effects and properties as the Essence of Confundus, Incertus Draft, and all others." Severus allowed a sheepish smirk at Lily, her face flaring as she turned away abruptly.
"Nice," piped Evan, as Roddus thumped Severus on the back. Slytherin was then awarded 25 points.
Lily, her eyes alight with excitement, paced briskly over to her friend at the Gryffindor table. "They're ready," she told Mary, smiling. Mary's face turned eager at this news, and she glanced around the table to where the Marauders sat, devouring their food like a pack of wolves.
"When are you going to do it, Lily? I mean, Snape was such a git in Potion class today, and I can't wait to see what chaos is brought about when-"
Lily shushed her; her words had been climbing out of the whisper and into an edgy and anxious voice. "I think I'll do it tomorrow morning." She answered, whispering. "I'll have to get the potions today to set up; I'm keeping them in the Room of Requirement-"
"Room of what?" muttered Mary, frustrated at her lack of knowledge of the secrets within Hogwarts. "I think I've heard of it; isn't it that place where you can get anything you want?"
"Slightly." Sighed Lily, pulling a bun out of a basket and nibbling on it. "I'll need to get them tonight, I don't think I have any breaks today." Lily mused over how she would do this; she had no intention on being caught out of bed by Filch. "Mary, I've just thought of something," whispered Lily, and she leaned in close to her friend to tell. A grin spread about Mary's curious face, and she nodded once.
Lily slipped the Cloak over herself, and wondered if it was working. Getting hold of it had been quite easy; all she had to do was ask Potter, and after a few curious questions, it was under her possession. Maybe it was too easy, what if he had just given her a normal old cloak? Lily cautiously stepped in front of a mirror, and was awed to see her dormitory room reflected back. There was not a sign of her being there, and Lily was copiously pleased. Grinning, she slipped down the stairway and through the portrait hole, Mary holding it open for her, as planned.
"Knock when you get back," Mary whispered to Lily as they passed. Lily nodded, but remembered she was invisible. How very easy it was to forget that.
Lily passed through the halls without confrontation. She reached the stretch of blank wall, and passed by it three times; as she did this, she thought: I need a place to hide my things, a place to hide my things. A door solidified, and she cracked it open and slipped inside.
Rows and rows of shelves stood in front of her, jammed full of random trinkets and items of the previous students of Hogwarts. Lily passed by it all, counting in her head for the correct aisle to go down. She passed a large wardrobe, wide and agape as if someone had torn it open in a futile attempt to find something; it now stood vacant and alone, a grisly scar running down its doors. Lily also passed many shattered mirrors, none of which could reflect her astounded expression. She kept disregarding how many other students had gone to Hogwarts in the past; it was just amazing to be reminded on how old the school really was.
Lily also passed a massive desk, littered with jewels and necklaces; a dinosaur-aged tiara caught her eye, and she peered down at it to read the curly inscription written upon it: Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure. That wrung a few bells, it really did… It was something connected to the Ravenclaws… Lily remembered Flitwick saying something like that on her very first day of Charms classes.
Wit. Lily smiled to herself, an image of James forming in her mind's eye. Wit sure was his greatest treasure… He boasted it for the entire school to see.
Lily moved along, viewing the vast assortments, but resisting from touching any of them. At last she found the rusted knight's helmet, the once flounced crimson feather now bent over and shriveled. Lily passed the helmet by, cringing away when she saw the thing inside the helmet…
Lily turned abruptly and halted by a flamboyant escritoire, its features faded but still in deep relief. Lily gently stroked the rich wood, wishing she could have something like this at home… She opened the doors, the handle a small gilded ivy stem, and was filled with relief as she caught sight of her months' previous work. The writer's desk had been large enough to serve its purpose; two minute cauldrons were placed on the bottom shelf, a larger cauldron on top. The vapors that met Lily as she bent over to lift the cauldrons out made her head spin in a daze, but she caught hold of herself. Months of inhaling dizzying fumes paid off. She placed them in a row, and dug around in her bag, bringing out Moste Potente Potions. She laid the decaying book delicately on the dust-laden floor, and flipped the book open to near the back. She landed on the precise page she wanted, as it had been opened many times before on that certain page.
Polyjuice Potion Ingredients require: Lacewing flies, leeches, fluxweed, knotgrass, horn of bicorn, and boomslang skin.
Below this was a detailed description on each ingredient and the affects it had on the overall potion. Lily had read it several times before, her eyes finding the key points of the paragraph mechanically. She ran her finger lightly down the splotched page, and glanced up at the completed potion in front of her, comparing. Everything seemed fine with this one…
Lily turned back to the escritoire and reached deep into its depths where she pulled out four phials. She also retrieved a small bottle in which a bit of amaranth-colored potion was held. A grim smile tight on her lips, she popped the cork off the bottle and let a few drops of the magenta liquid splash into the middle cauldron.
Nothing extraordinary happened, such as a large explosion that would set everyone's face black. The amaranth simply melted in with the clear liquid, and then settled back in place, as same as before.
Lily continued to check through the potions, wafting the scents and comparing them to the book to make sure that it was correct. There was only one fault, where Lily had not stirred the correct number of times, but it was easily fixed. She made one last check-over before ladling the potions into separate phials. She tucked them into the safety of her pocket, congratulating herself at a job well done. Lily cleaned up the space, pleased that there were leftovers, and shut the escritoire door with a snap.
She then stretched her legs, asleep due to her lack of movement, and pulled on the Cloak. She gave the desk one last wistful glance before disappearing down the corner, navigating back towards the exit. The phials clinked together in her pocket, and she smiled to herself again.
It was all too easy…
Severus set down his quill, unable to concentrate any longer. His mind was on Lily… it was full of her. He couldn't let go of her face after he had called her Mudblood… It made him regretful of what he was now doing, what he was planning to step up to. Was Lily one of many he'd hurt? Yes, she probably would… the Dark Lord was not known for his mercy. Severus sighed, and blew out the candle; it would be another sleepless night.
Lily's face would haunt his dreams.
Author's Note: The song, The Reason went along nicely with Severus' thoughts. The lines in italics are words that strongly reflect what I thought was going on in Sev's head, but all in all, the song fits. This would be slightly forwarding in time, but this could reflect the Mudblood incident, as well.
The Reason
Band/Artist: Hoobastank
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
The extra ingredients added to Amortentia are creations of my (lopsided) imagination. As well as the add-ons to the Befuddlement Drafts. I am sorry, but there is no such thing as Draught of Perplexity. Yep… that's about it.
I edited this to make it a bit more deep on Sev's part. There were some issues with my prior one...
Thank you for reading! Reviews are good. x)
