AN: Inspired by a dream I had about these two. Originally intended to be a one-shot but may or may not write a second chapter depending on reviews. First Castle fic so please be kind, also first fic in the first person perspective, which I hate, am used to third person. :-D

Disclaimer: Richard Castle and Kate Beckett belong to ABC and Andrew Marlowe.


Shedding Some Light

Today was the day I realised that I loved Rick Castle. Maybe not the day that I realised, but the day that I was ready to admit it to myself. Not that it would change anything. It couldn't.

I was still recovering from my bullet wound that had almost ended everything. As eager as I was to get back on the job there are procedures to go through. The new Captain; Gates, wouldn't allow me to return until I had convinced the precinct counsellor that I was emotionally stable. I was also recommended to start a journal. If I couldn't tell a stranger about how I was feeling then maybe I could tell myself.

So here I am, writing down words on paper. Words wouldn't change anything either. Roy Montgomery was still dead, I had still been shot. Castle and I, struggled, to talk to each other. He blamed himself for what had happened to me. When he saw me with Josh at the hospital I could see how much it hurt him, that he wasn't the one hugging me. But I realised today that if he hadn't carried me away from that airport hangar that I would have been buried alongside the late Captain. Castle had saved me.

He had turned up on my door this morning, saying we had things to talk about. He was right of course. Things had been said between us that couldn't be taken back. Over the past year we had been through so much. When we had gone to L.A to investigate Royce's murder I had almost given in to my feelings then. The last time Castle and I had tried to talk about "us" I told him that we were "over" and to get out. God what was wrong with me? He was right. We never talked about nearly freezing to death in each other's arms. I remember thinking that if I was going to die I was glad that he was the one there next to me. We had never talked about how it had felt when he kissed me on that cold night and that I kissed him back. And now in the present we haven't talked about him telling me that he loves me as I lay in his arms bleeding to death. If we were going to continue our relationship; in a professional capacity at least we were going to have to talk.

I had run out of everything in my kitchen, no surprises there, so we walked down the street to the nearest coffee house, making small talk along the way. We sat down in a booth in the back. Castle looked about as nervous as I felt. I had promised myself that no-matter what he had to say, the outcome of our conversation would remain the same.

"Kate" He paused for a moment, swallowing. "I've known, for a long time, the way I feel about you."

"Castle, no..." I tried to interrupt him.

"No let me finish." He took my hands across the table, and I didn't pull them away. "You were dying. And I realised how much time we've wasted by denying our feelings."

"Our feelings?" My defensive mechanism automatically kicked in.

"I know you feel something. I've seen it. Sometimes you'll let your guard down just long enough and I'll see the way you look at me. Tell me I'm wrong Kate."

"This isn't one of your books Castle. We work together, plain and simple. Besides that what if I didn't wake up in that hospital? What if something happened to you?" I stood up. I couldn't handle this conversation. "Nothing can ever happen between us." I turned, and started walking. I walked out that door and I didn't look back. I knew he was following me. That much I had expected. I hadn't expected him to grab my arm, pull me close and start kissing me. I gave in. I didn't care that we were outside on the pavement, for everyone to see. I let it happen, for just a minute and then I pulled away. "You told me that you loved me. Did you mean it Rick?"

"You even have to ask?" The look on his face was crushing, but I carried on anyway.

"Then let go of this. It can't happen, there's no point pretending. I'm sorry."

Castle, being Castle wasn't going to let go that easy, and I knew that. "So you're going to carry on your whole life being afraid of what might happen? That's not you Kate, you're stronger than that."

I answered him with the only thing that I could think of. "I need to go. I'll call you later?"

I went to walk away from him a second time, when the unthinkable happened. There was a woman standing a few feet behind Castle. She had long wavy brown hair. My height. A gunshot rang out and the woman fell to the ground. A bullet to the head from a sniper rifle somewhere above us. The people in the street started screaming in panic and ran for cover. Castle grabbed me and we ducked into the nearest building. Time seemed to stand still for what felt like forever. She was only a few feet away from us. It could have been Rick that had been shot. It could have been me. I couldn't stop a constant stream of thoughts from running through my head. Was it a random shooting? Was she a target? Was she shot because she looked remarkably like me from a distance. Was I the target? My shooter was still at large. It would be up to Ryan and Esposito to work that out. I had yet another protective detail placed on me. One on Castle as well.

I'm still awake at this ridiculous hour writing in this journal because I can't sleep. A part of me wants to put on my coat and drive over to Castle's apartment because I don't feel safe being alone. For once I am afraid. A part of me knows that if I do close this journal and hop in my car I won't hold myself responsible for what might happen. Maybe I will, and maybe I'll just go to bed. I guess I'll see what happens. One thing is for sure. This journal was supposed to shed some light on my emotions. It's certainly done that.