Welcome to Twisted Drabbles, where I point out the ironies and stupidities of the show, and sometimes look into the future based off what the characters say in the scenes below! This isn't a re-cap, since I'm starting with episode 5 (Fall Fest) and I'm only pointing out scenes that captured my attention. These are basically my thoughts when I watched the episode for the first time and many other times, such as why Tim Calvert isn't charged with pushing Danny, or how I think Tess looks at Danny. And now I'm expanding on those thoughts with humor.
I was partially inspired by PopInsomniacs who've made photo recaps of episodes 1-4. But they haven't made the 5th one yet, so I got the idea to continue using my own jokes and taking it in the direction of stating ironies. I was also partially inspired by a Nancy Drew fanfic where someone pointed out ironies in Nancy Drew computer games, and it was so dead on that I wanted to write something similar. So here I am, and I hope you guys enjoy it! I'll continue this up to the finale episode.
And characters will more than likely be OOC through their dialogue. :)
Rated T for swearing, sexual themes, drug references, and underage partying.
Spanish translated from Google Translate. I haven't brushed up on my Spanish in years, so this was the easiest thing.
Twisted Drabbles
At the Mastersons breakfast table…
"Is that all Danny told you?" Kyle asked Jo, after she explained that Regina was wearing Tara Desai's necklace to her mother.
"Yeah, it was a family heirloom and it was missing from Regina."
"He didn't mention having it in his locker?"
"Why would it be in his locker?" Jo furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.
"Just a hunch," Kyle stated.
"I'll bet you my yellow sweater that you're wrong."
"Jo, that's crazy talk," the chief said, shaking his head. "That thing looks like puke. Give me your last free coupon for Johnny Cakes' milkshakes instead."
"Maaan, I was gonna share that with Danny," Jo sighed heavily.
At Danny's house with Danny and Karen in the kitchen…
"Wow," Danny blurted at the TV, causing Karen to jump. He just heard Tim Calvert explain that fall fest wasn't safe as long as Danny was around. "Tell us how you really feel, Tim Calvert, local resident."
"You want some cereal?" Karen cheerily asked her son.
"Yeah," Danny answered. He proceeded to get a knife and chop up some banana slices, causing Karen's face to drain of all color.
The precise cutting of that banana makes me think Danny killed Regina, Karen thought, gulping nervously. If something unearthly possesses me to confess to her murder 3 episodes from now, I should remember to say I used a knife and not give a vague confession.
At Fall Fest early in the afternoon…
Danny walked up to Mrs. Masterson's pottery table and smiled. "Hey Mrs. Masterson. Uh, is Jo around?"
"Who knows. God you look so much like Vik," Tess breathed, wishing she could see Danny's angelic, loose hair on his shoulders.
"Uh, thank you?" Danny said, wrinkling his brow.
"You could've been my almost-son." Tess reached out to touch Danny's shoulder but he took 3 steps back, his face slightly wary. "Almost," she whispered.
"Yeah, Jo's like my sister. But what a nice and not eerily creepy comment, Mrs. Masterson. I'll definitely talk to you about my girl troubles that don't concern Jo if the opportunity ever arises. That's what an almost-son would do with his almost-mom, right?"
"Almost," Tess slyly grinned, cocking her head to the side and staring at the bewildered boy.
"Ok, you lost me," Danny said.
At the police station in Kyle's office…
"Fall Fest," started the mayor, "is the most important day of the year at Green Grove. You know that."
Kyle gasped. "I thought Christmas was!"
The mayor rolled his eyes and looked very perturbed. "No, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. Damn you're stupid. Now stop wasting time and unfairly pin this murder on Danny."
"Remind me not to get you anything for Christmas," joked Kyle, but the mayor's face was not in a laughing mood. It looked straight up serious.
"And remind me to hire a shady red-head if you continue to act like your snarky daughter."
"She…may or may not be mine…" Kyle uncertainly, and somewhat ashamedly, said. "Have you seen her hair? She didn't get that frizz from Tess. Must be someone else's kid."
After Tim Calvert pushes Danny into the pi pies…
Kyle pushed the seething right-winged nut away from Danny. "Lay off him, Tim." He turned to the worried crowd and waved his hand. "Nothing to see here folks, everything's fine!"
"Chief Masterson, Tim Calvert local resident just assaulted me!" Danny yelled, pointing a finger at the man who was steadily fuming at him.
"It's ok Danny, I gave him a cookie so he won't do it again."
Danny's jaw dropped. "But he just assaulted a minor! Why aren't you arresting him? Or taking him downtown? You take me downtown for no reason at all…ok that's…not what I meant—"
"Listen," Kyle said, exasperated. "That cookie was shipped all the way from Mexico, made with very rare, very authentic Mexican chocolate that's really hard to come by here. Trust me, he's not gonna do it again."
"Soooo, you're letting Tim Calvert local resident get away with this?" Danny said flatly.
"Yeah."
"Gosh sir, I didn't know your job included protecting idiots like Tim Calvert local resident who provoke fights with 16 year olds."
"Why do you keep calling him that?"
"It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
"It does," Kyle admitted.
Later at Fall Fest, with Jo and Danny at the apple throwing contest…
"C'mon Desai, just, get a rhythm going!" Jo urged Danny.
"Yes Jo, I would gladly love to get a rhythm going while drawing further negative attention to myself to people who hate me," Danny said simply.
"But Dannyyyyyyyy," Jo whined. "If you wanna have fun, then you should have fun. I'm just trying to help you."
"You keep saying that, and yet I have this strange feeling that you're using reverse psychology on me. And we should've switched places, that way you were against Tim Calvert local resident."
Jo sighed in annoyance. "No point now, we're losing. Thanks, Danny."
After the contest was over, Danny and Jo talked amongst themselves. Just then, the Mastersons approached the teens, with Kyle hardcore staring at Danny who didn't back down, and Tess looking as happy as always.
"Oh honey, your hair," Tess fussed, touching Jo's hair while leading her away from the men.
"What's wrong with it?" Jo asked worriedly.
"That was just a ploy to get you away." Tess handed Jo her lip gloss. "Here, just take it."
Jo scrunched up her nose. "What's this?"
"A pixie stick," Tess snapped. "C'mon, it's lip gloss. Give yourself a little color for your almost-brother."
"Mom, do you know how incest-y that sounds?" Jo whispered, looking around to make sure no one heard their conversation. "Are you talking about Danny? I don't wanna be seen as a sister, but as a potential love interest where he finally realizes his true feelings for me later in the season. I would die if he called me his sister—so stop saying it before he thinks it."
"He's done more than think it. But ok, I'll leave you two alone. I'm going to endure getting snapped at by your dad in a couple of seconds because I barely have a backbone."
"Maybe if you didn't snap at me, he wouldn't snap at you too. Karma's a bitch," Jo evilly smiled.
At a random tree near Fall Fest with Lacey and Danny…
"Look Danny, I found this envelope that most likely proves that you didn't kill Regina," Lacey said.
"Awesome!" Danny exclaimed. "Let's show it to Jo."
"I can't do that!" Lacey protested, looking at Danny like he was crazy. "Her dad's the chief of police, and we still don't know everything yet. If he thinks I knew something, he might bribe me with those Mexican cookies! And I haven't had one in years."
"I really don't get the big hype about these cookies," Danny said, shaking his head.
"You're seriously missing out."
"I think I'll manage. But anyway, we're telling Jo."
"But—"
"I'm not keeping this from her," Danny said with a raised voice, stepping closer to Lacey and searching her eyes.
God I'm so turned on right now, Lacey thought, gazing back into Danny's brown eyes.
God I wanna kiss her, but I'm gonna let her do it first, Danny thought. I already tried to on the first day but she grabbed those damn chips to distract me.
Danny looked away from Lacey briefly, staring at particularly nothing with a somewhat stupid expression on his face. "Why you wanna meet like this?" he asked, eventually turning to look at her face again.
Lacey stared back at him and played dumb. "How were we supposed to meet?"
"You could've called me, texted me, and a bunch of other stuff," Danny shortly listed. "Why like this? Unless…" They continued to stare at each other and Danny moved closer into her personal space. "Unless you wanna get me alone?"
Lacey knew he figured her out, but instead she pointed a finger and defiantly said, "You know what, screw you!" and walked off.
"Lacey wait, I shouldn't have said that—" But Lacey turned around cut him off with a kiss. He was too stunned to say anything once she pulled back. She shook her head and huffed, running away from him again.
"Lacey wait wait wait—" Danny started, coming to his senses that he wanted to kiss her again. He pulled her back to him and they started making out.
"So—" Danny said in between kisses, "we're just gonna—keep making—out?"
"Yep," Lacey said, clutching him.
"And let—the viewers—write tons—of—fan fiction—speculating—what happens—between—now and—when— we get— to—the diner?"
"You're—catching—on."
"That's—genius."
Back at Fall Fest with Jo and Rico talking at a table…
"Why do you trust him?" Rico blurted out, turning around to look at Jo who was on her way walking back home. "He lied to us like a lot. Regina had his Aunt Tara's necklace?"
"He didn't lie, he just didn't tell us," Jo said, defending Danny.
"It's the same thing," Rico insisted. "If he doesn't tell you something else again, I hope you think back to this conversation and cry. Sorry, that was cruel. I love you Jo. Like more than friends."
"¿Que?"
"How did you not hear my voice drop and see my somber face when I talked to you at apple throwing? I wanted to come here with you."
"Realmente quiero una hamburguesa y tengo que hacer pis. ¿Es natural tener miedo de las hamburguesas? Tuve un mal sueño hace unos años. Quizá Danny me puede ayudar."
"So now you're gonna speak Spanish and ignore me?" Rico angrily sighed and got up from the table. "I'll see you later, my bunions are chaffing."
At the diner…
Jo applied the lip gloss on her mouth, smiling at the thought of getting some with Danny as she waited for him. My lip gloss is poppin', my lip gloss is cool, Danny's gonna like me and imma kiss him after school. Or after we leave the diner, whichever one.
Jo's face lit up when she saw Danny walked in. Oh it's Danny.
And then Lacey walked in.
Oh shit it's Lacey. Jo's smile vanished as she quickly rubbed off the cheap lip gloss.
Danny and Lacey joined Jo at the booth. Jo looked back and forth between the two. "Since when are you guys buddy-buddy?"
Danny paused before he talked to Jo and leaned in towards her. "Jo, the real question here is, do you know what Lacey found?"
"Huh?"
"2 things," Danny said. "A new man, aaaaaand this envelope." He placed it on the table.
Jo glanced at the contents and mailing address. "Wow, the semi-crowded diner, where anyone can overhear us, is the perfect place to tell me a clue to Regina's murder. And you dumped Archie, Lacey?"
"Danny's such a liar," Lacey said, rolling her eyes. "You can't trust anything he says. I know we both won't 4 episodes from now."
"How do you know that?"
"Lucky guess."
Back at the Masterson's house in the living room…
"My God, Tess, you're being charmed by a freakin' psychopath!" Kyle yelled at his wife.
"Don't yell at me!" Tess equally yelled back, growing that backbone she wanted earlier. "And don't talk about my almost-son that way!"
"We're still talking about Danny, right?" Kyle asked, slightly confused.
"Yeah."
"You must be high. But wait, that's impossible, because no wife of mine would have Mary Jane secretly stashed off camera."
"You said it not me," Tess said, putting her hands up.
"Moving onnnnn," Kyle frowned, "he tied a rope around his aunt's neck and killed her. And now a person, Jo's age I might add, is murdered this time. I don't think you care about our daughter. Then again, I don't think she's our daughter with that frizzy hair of hers…"
"I care about Jo's safety, just as much as you!" Tess said sternly.
"Well it sure doesn't seem like it!"
Tess looked at Kyle, taken aback and angry. "Don't take it out on me, just because you can't solve your case. And you're not getting this pus-pus tonight."
Kyle watched her go up the stairs. "Well damn."
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