I don't know if this kind of thing has been done before... but I decided to give it a go... it was fun to write and I hope you all enjoy this!
Please lemme know what you think of it :)
Mr. Sirius Black and Mr. Remus Lupin,
We are writing this polite, courteous and altogether rather civil letter to let you know our opinions about the... situations that have been occurring around the house recently.
While all of us have agreed to and accepted your relationship, unfortunately, we have not yet become accustomed to seeing you two 'going at it' as you so eloquently put it. We, as in the whole of the Order, have had enough of seeing you two stupid mutts doing unspeakable things to each other... on the table where we eat, the sofas where we sit, the stairs that we climb and in front of Sirius' mother (although, her reaction is rather hilarious... but entirely inappropriate, of course). The disturbing noises that we are subjected to when you forget to put up a silencing charm is more than enough as it is, and none of us really want or need actual images to go with those sounds.
Also, many of us think that while Public Displays Of Affection are generally rather...er... cute, that does not mean, Sirius, that you can feel Remus up under the table while we are discussing Voldemort and how he plans to kill us all.
Another thing, Molly would rather that her precious kids should not be traumatised to the same degree as the Order has been. She believes that if her children should ever see you 'doin' the nasty' their 'innocent' little brains will be tainted forever. She also thinks that while creativity is an important characteristic to have and that it is always useful, she would rather that you did not include it in your lovemaking and instead stored it for more... arty stuff (like making this thing you call a house vaguely habitable).
Alastor Moody would simply like you to stop being so 'caught up in your own fairy tale world' and more 'receptive' to the things that are happening around you... like the war, for instance. He is also pretty sure that you two would not like it at all if a Death Eater were to walk in while you two are having sex and simply hex your balls off... and then kill you. (As even though that would be a relief to all of the Order, we are really not that cruel (the balls part, not the killing part).) Following that, Moody would now simply like to add: 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE'!
Severus Snape would like to point out that he does not even like looking at your faces, and that to see your buttocks is possibly the worst kind of torture ever devised by the human brain. 'That is all. Stupid, bloody, idiotic Gryfindors.'
Arthur has decided that he will not get involved as this is a matter of extreme delicacy and feels that it is also none of his business. No, wait, he has just rethought his opinion (after a stern glare from his scary wife) and has chosen, of course, to agree with Molly.
Professor Dumbledore says that while love is a brilliant feeling and that everyone has a right to show that love, some people tend to get a bit... carried away. He would appreciate it greatly if your methods of showing this love were just that little bit more subtle.
The other Hogwarts Professors agree heartily with the Headmaster. However, one Minerva McGonagall would also like to add that she 'had expected much better from you, Remus John Lupin' and that 'You, Sirius Black are simply a lost cause and there is no point in trying to talk to you at all'.
Nymphadora Tonks is in an extremely fragile condition after that horrible episode today in which she found you in the kitchen, equipped with handcuffs, a whip and very tight leather trousers. However, she has, after many long hours of contemplation, offered to take you (Remus) off of your (Sirius') hands and keep all their (Remus' and Tonks') future sexcapades private... as long as you (Remus) 'keep the leather trousers and the handcuffs'. She would like to add that she has no feelings for Remus whatsoever and that she simply wants to do her lovely cousin a favour.
Mundungus Fletcher does not 'give a crap... and are those goblets made out of real silver?'.
So, to conclude, please refrain in taking part in any sexual activities in any room other than the bedroom (and by 'the' bedroom, we mean your bedroom). We also advise you to put up a silencing charm, lock the door and remember to put your clothes on before you come downstairs.
Yours sincerely,
The Order Of The Phoenix
1995
So... there it is :)
Hope you liked it and please review! It would make my day :)
