What if you suddenly found that you owned Harry Potter?

That all of the Harry Potter franchise in the world was yours and only yours?

Then I would probably hunt you down and kill you, because let's face it: I don't own Harry Potter, but if J. K. Rowling doesn't own the rights, then I'm the next best person to own it.

So beware. Don't go out of your house, because you don't know which person is me.

Don't stay in your house, because then I'll just bomb your house.

Wait... you don't own Harry Potter? We were just imagining?

Oops. Sorry if a missile suddenly hits your house... I forgot to add self-destruct button to it. The one time a self-destruct button is actually useful, I don't have on.

Epic Fail.


The Gryffindor common room was packed.

Fred and George had promised that they had some news that would blow the wands out the Gryffindor's hands. It was so unbelievable, so far-fetched, they claimed, that some people were bringing bottles of Veritaserum with them - just in case. And they should, too, considering the twins were charging two Galleons to hear it.

"Sonorus," said George. "Hello? Is this working?"

The students covered their ears over the noise, so he took that as a yes.

"Ladies and gentlemen, wizards and witches, idiots of all ages," he started.

Fred picked up, "... as you all know, even the smartest of you - even though none of you are actually smart, anyway - you all pale in comparison to Hermione, the genius who earns, embarrassing as it is, more points for Gryffindor than we lose."

The second years, who weren't very familiar with Hermione, gasped. The first years, who didn't know how to even earn points, were almost falling asleep, with only Fred and George's booming voices keeping them awake.

"But we have some news for you."

Ron suddenly became aware that Hermione was not in the room. Something finally clicked in his empty head. Ron looked at George in shock. "You mean...?"

"Yeah," said George, "Hermione is failing all of her classes, and I have her report card here to prove it."

And Fred waved the card in the air for all to see.

The room was dead silent. Mouths dropped. Upstairs in the dormitories, you could faintly here Hermione's sobs.

Then the room erupted in cheers.

"Thanks you!" Fred shouted. "Quietus," he muttered, and went off.

Ron grabbed George. "You're serious? Hermione's actually failing?"

The twins looked at each other.

"Of course not," said Fred. "I think she's incapable of failing something even if she tried..."

"...But she doesn't have to know that," completed George.