For A.P.M. – just as noble, modest and brave as Arthur.
Hic sunt dracones
She was new at the fort. One could easily tell by the way she handled certain things. Especially her behaviour towards the knights made the others frown for she had neither respect nor admiration for them. On the contrary, she seemed to stand up to them at every opportunity and frequently told them that they were just a bunch of show-offs. All of the knights took this rather good-naturedly, laughing at her scathing remarks because they knew very well that that loudmouth hadn't a clue about life outside the fort's protective walls. And she was extraordinarily pretty with her long, red-golden curls and blue eyes. So especially Gawein and Tristram thought Lilith good fun and teased her in return although it was obvious that she had no interest whatsoever in them, and although the two of them were quick with a touch or even a kiss, they did not dare that kind of hands-on flirtation with Lilith. Maybe because she wore a dagger at her side and was quick with drawing it. The way she handled the weapon it was clear that she was not afraid of the knights and her fast movements might have gotten them a bloody flesh wound.
So Gawein and Tristram enjoyed a verbal sparring with Lilith but Lancelot, who was normally always quick to seduce the prettiest women, kept back and barely talked to her. Bors was more or less maried to Vanora although he tried to deny it at every opportunity but everyone could see the looks passing between them. Dagonet kept to himself as always and when Lancelot came to think of it, he wasn't even sure whether his friend Galahad was really interested in women. Yet Lilith seemed to frighten him and as soon as she appeared Galahad silently vanished to another part of the fort. Whatever she wanted to accomplish with the knights, she had surely had a success with Galahad.
Lancelot fell to musing about their commander. He knew Arthur for nearly fifteen years now and he couldn't remember a single instance when he had seen him with a woman, although he could easily recall countless instances where he found him praying. Lilith hadn't made any impact on him. He simply ignored her and her comments. Sometimes his frown seemed to deepen when she was around but that was all she could get out of him. She on the contrary seemed quite interested in him, her eyes following him suspiciously and her remarks becoming louder and more sarcastic when he was around. Lancelot smirked to himself: Oh yes, the pretty Lilith was certainly interested in their commander but he doubted that she would have any luck with him. He was married to duty and a Christian god who brought him regularly to his knees. His life left no room for a woman.
Idly stretching his long legs and picking a straw from the hay beneath him, Lancelot made himself more comfortable in the stable and let his thoughts wander. Yes, it would be good fun to see what Lilith could do to Arthur because sometimes Lancelot was worried about his friend. Except for interaction with his knights and servants, Arthur lead the life of a recluse, shutting himself in his quarters and studying philosophical texts he spent enormous sums of money on. Lancelot found that strange and fascinating at the same time but whenever he discussed these treatises with Arthur he was left with a headache and Arthur gave up enlightening him on the philosophical discussions going on in Rome. In Lancelot's opinion, this was not a way to spent his life and he was rather fed up with such a moral beacon right in their midst. Not that Arthur was arrogant or proud, quite on the contrary his modesty and moral integrity made Lancelot wish for a temptation that would bring Arthur down on his knees. His friend became more and more a saint instead of a human being and Lancelot was very suspicious of all concepts of morality when they were actually put into perfect practice. Not that he was completely amoral but he had learned early in life that humans were not perfect and he quite enjoyed this human imperfection. It not only lead to amusement but also made life so much more endurable.
Lancelot indeed had the vague idea that Lilith was the key to showing Arthur that life included other things except fighting and philosophy, and he was keen on seeing this idea play out. It would be a nice change of pace compared to killing Woads, protecting clueless Romans and thinking about home. A bit of mayhem would indeed be good for the orderly Roman fort. A smile appeared on Lancelot's handsome face which would have made a young girl sigh because the trace of danger and daring gave him quite a romantic air. Content with his plan, he lead himself fall into the hay and listen to the peaceful munching sounds of the horses.
It took some days to actually get Lilith talk to him. Finally he cornered her when she was returning to the fort with a group of peasants who had been gathering firewood.
"Lilith!" his voice could be quite commanding if he chose to make use of it and she looked at him – for a moment there was a trace of fear in her eyes, Lancelot noted. So her brave appearance was a mere facade and she was well aware of the fact that the knights were not always so good-natured and well behaved. He grinned at her and her mask was firmly in place as she stepped up to him, daring him to speak to her. The other villagers just shook their heads and moved their way. Lilith seemed to be an outsider in this community but she made no effort to be part of it. All in all, she was a mystery to Lancelot but he didn't care too much.
"What is it, knight?" she asked, her temper, as always, short and flaring.
He grinned his most infuriating grin and she crossed her arms in rejection.
"I need to talk to you. In private" he explained and smiled at the look of surprise on her pretty face. But she was quick with a response: "Don't even think that I would sleep with you!"
Lancelot nearly toppled over with laughter: "Although this doesn't help my reputation I do not want to sleep with every woman I talk to."
Lilith smiled at him and he suddenly realised that there was more to Lilith than her sharp tongue and good looks. He led her to quiet place near the blacksmith's place, where he looked her over but she did not flinch from his intense gaze. Instead she smiled again and asked, "What do you want, Lancelot?"
"You do know our names!"
"Of course I do. The whole fort is singing your praise – I had no chance to not know them."
"Then, why are you such a vixen?"
"Because this was the easy way to get your attention. I am sorry for Galahad. He seems to be afraid of me."
Lancelot couldn't help but laugh. To Lilith there really was more than met the eye.
"Tell me, what is all this really about?" he asked but Lilith shook her head: "I cannot tell you because my whole plan doesn't work at all and telling you would only make it worse."
This was far from a satisfying answer but Lancelot let it drop because he had other things he wanted to discuss with her: "Look, Lilith, you are quite right when you say that the whole fort is singing our praise but when they say 'the knights' they really mean Arthur."
"I know. Jealous?" Lilith asked and her cheek was back.
"Not at all. I am a poor hero but I hope I am a good friend and I am worried about Arthur."
"Worried?" she echoed and raised her eyebrows disbelievingly. "I don't know any man who would be less in need of concern than Arthur. He is... something..." she ended gesturing helplessly but he shook his head. "Don't lie to me, Lilith. I see your eyes following him. You care."
She looked uncomfortable and blushed "Well, I may be interested in him, you know."
"Indeed I do know and I think you should make a move. It would do him good to forget about these bloody morals and enjoy himself."
"But this is exactly what's not working! I tried so hard to get his attention but I only gained a grudging respect from Gawain and Tristan. That is surely nice but not what I aimed for. He ignores me."
"True. But you're too tame. Of course you're acting differently and that got you our attention and made you an outsider at the fort but apart from that, you will get nowhere with Arthur."
"I am not an outsider, you know. The villagers venerate you and therefore they don't show that I am well part of their little community."
"What are you?" Lancelot asked bewildered because he couldn't see what function Lilith really fulfilled at the fort. The law in communities as theirs was simple: Be useful or be chucked out.
"I am a healer. I lived in the south in a religious community and learned a lot about plants, the body and its illnesses and diseases. So I am quite useful to the community but as I constantly defy you knights, the villagers are afraid that you will throw me out." She smiled sadly and he understood: She tried so very hard to get the attention of their leader that she risked everything else. Reluctantly, he had to give her his respect for that.
"Anyway, Lilith, in order to get to Arthur you need to be a bit more daring." He flashed her one of his goofy grins: "That shouldn't be a problem for you, should it?"
Lilith laughed and shook her head which sent her curls flying. For a moment, Lancelot regretted that she hadn't picked him but he was a man who would not grieve too long when there were so many other pretty girls out there. So he nodded to her and left.
Lilith was a woman of action. She had seen a lot during her time as a healer in the South and she always was amazed at people's ability to hurt each other or themselves by being sheer daft. But all of these incidents had taught her a lot. So she was confident when she mixed the herbs into the wine she was about to bring to Arthur's servant for tonight she didn't want any disturbance. The mixture would make him sleep to the morning without noticing anything.
As soon as the man was snoring away peacefully, Lilith slipped into Arthur's quarters. From his behaviour it was quite obvious that he wasn't a man of luxury but the scantiness of his rooms let Lilith doubt whether he was indeed capable of enjoying life. The boards on the wall were neatly packed with roles of parchment and papyrus and that was basically all. The only luxury were indeed lots of candles which came in handy now.
Lilith lit the candles and sorted through the stacks of writing, interested in what kept Arthur occupied all his days. As she had feared, they were mostly stoic writings – she found Seneca and Epiktet's Enchiridion, some of Cicero's speeches and of course Pelagius' publications. Lilith sighed – Arthur was as ascetic, strict and hopelessly noble as she had feared. But that was also what had drawn her in – so who was she to complain?
While she stood there musing, she didn't here the soft footsteps which drew closer to the room. She flinched as a deep voice asked incredulously: "What do you think you are doing in here?"
Lilith turned around and faced Arthur. Normally she saw him in full armour but now he only wore a tunic and trousers. She could tell that he was not so much angry but surprised – the obligatory frown was firmly in place and Lilith couldn't help but smile while she placed the roles of philosophical texts neatly back on the boards.
Then she answered him, as honestly as possible: "Finally getting your attention, Arthur."
"My attention? What would you want that for?" he asked and stepped further into his room. "Would you like..." he couldn't finish his polite offer to borrow her some of his treatises because she met him halfway and her lips were on his before he could react. Arthur was taken by surprise so he let her hands wander into his hair and Lilith revelled in feeling his short black curls under her fingertips. They were surprisingly soft, she noted. Her hands travelled deeper and cupped his cheek, his skin also softer than she had thought. Lilith sighed contently. It was ridiculous but since she had first stepped into this lonely outpost of civilization in the middle of nowhere and laid eyes on Arthur, she had wanted to do exactly this and it felt so much better than she had expected. She had always prided herself on her ratio but when it came to Arthur, nothing of that was left.
Ever so carefully, he put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her away from him but she was pleased that when he spoke, he sounded as breathless as she felt: "Lilith, what are you doing?"
She smiled at him, half seductively, half amused: "As I said: Getting your attention. Ordinary people call this kissing." And without waiting for a reply she took one of his hands and examined it while she caressed it softly: "You know, Arthur, you got my little world spinning. And I am not willing to let this happen to me. So you should have your share of dizziness." Her smile deepened as she took his hand and started placing soft kisses on his fingertips. He watched mesmerised and she could tell that he didn't know what to do. The man who kept a clear head in every battle was unable to cope when it came to such simple things. Lilith sighed again – this time because she felt so sad for him but she swore she would make it up.
She let her lips move from his fingertips along his fingers to his knuckles and to the palm of his callous hand. He stood utterly silent and with a small step she was pressed up against him again. She wrapped her arms around him and snuck one hand under his tunic. His naked skin under her hand made her sigh again and with every other man she would have simply ripped the shirt off and pressed herself wantonly against him but Arthur was different in so many ways. Sometimes his decency had made her want to cry out in frustration. At other times she had caught sight of that wild expression in his eyes when he came from battle and then she had been afraid of this man. Now he stood here as if petrified, not fighting her off but also not participating.
"Arthur... please..." she begged and stepped back in order to look in his eyes. The candles had a green fire dancing in them and he spoke in his low and slow way: "Lilith, I can't. Don't think I don't want you. You are beautiful, intelligent and not easily intimidated, and I would indeed be a fool if I hadn't noticed that you tried to catch my attention. I played daft as long as I could but I can't be your lover. I can't be anyone's lover. Every time I leave the fort and ride into battle, I can get killed and I can't leave someone behind. I don't want to cause sorrow to someone."
Lilith would have liked to laugh. "Arthur, we all can die at any moment. Invading Woads, fire, a stupid accident or a catching disease. Yes, you are a warrior but an expert warrior at that and I won't let you get off so easily. If this is the only reason – forget about it!"
He looked down on her and absent-mindedly, he caught one of her curls in his hands and twirled it around his finger. "Are you serious about this, Lilith? Or is this just a night?"
She smiled up at him and placed a kiss in the corner of his mouth: "As serious as I can get, Arthur. I wouldn't dare offering you just a night. You are far too decent for that."
He smiled, the first smile she saw on his face and she marvelled at the beauty of it.
"If that is so, Lilith, go on where you left off."
She stared at him, suddenly shy and she felt ridiculous: She had seen so much in this world and with his simple invitation he had brought her to a full stop. He chuckled and she blushed. Silently he stepped up to her again and pulled her in his arms. He murmured into her ear, "My turn then, Lilith"
His breath tickled on her skin and she nearly did squeal in delight but she stopped herself – she acted like a giddy virgin. His hands started roaming, carefully playing with her hair and he whispered: "You know, I love this look in your eyes that tells me that you want me but I am not a handsome man. I have my share of scars."
She smiled up at him and stole another, short kiss: "Arthur, I am a healer and whatever mars your body, I am quite sure that I have seen worse. So don't worry about that." She let her hands wander under his tunic again and this time he did act, allowing her to pull the fabric off. In the candlelight his skin seemed to glow in a golden tone and she could barely keep her hands off him, tracing the muscles from his shoulders to his chest where she buried her fingers in the hair that grew there. Slowly she started peppering kisses on his chest and he laughed – a deep, rumbling sound that resounded through her as she was pressed up to him.
She dared her hands travel deeper and traced several scars on his back, all the while moving deeper until she settled on his buttocks. He maneuvered them both backwards until she felt the bed behind her and she let herself fall, knowing that he would catch her if she had miscalculated. He followed suit, landing softly on top of her and this time she couldn't resist, moving restlessly beneath him and grounding against him. He laughed again: "Who would have thought that the wild banshee can be so tame?" She smiled up at him and delved into the kiss he offered. While her tongue asked for entrance, her hands had moved to his trousers and undid the buttons so that she could start tugging them to his feet.
He leaned on his arms and stared into her eyes, searchingly and questioningly: "Lilith, I don't want to hear about eternal love and all of that but I need to know what this means to you."
She smiled up at him and buried her head at the crook of his neck, nipping at the skin. He shuddered under her caresses and she whispered into his ear: "Everything, Arthur, this means everything to me. I know that you and I live in a world far too insecure to talk about the future but if it's possible I want exactly that: A future with you."
He smiled and one of his rough hands trailed the outlines of her face. She leaned into his touch and kissed his palm. Then she bit down on it and growled teasingly: "You know, I adore gentlemen but right now I would really prefer you getting me out of this dress."
"As you wish, my lady" he answered playfully and Lilith was amazed that he had such a deadpan sense of humour. He pulled the hem of her long dress up her legs and trailed her legs with his hands, tickling the crook of her knees. Her laugh delighted him and he planted soft kisses on the sensitive skin there, making her wriggle all the more. She was far too impatient for his languished way of doing things so she got herself out of her dress and stretch out on the bed. A hungry expression settle in his eyes as he roamed her body and she took his hand, pulling him down once again.
Ever so carefully, he settled between her legs and she whispered into his ear: "I hate to disappoint you but there is no need for gentleness – I am not a virgin." He laughed again, looking relieved and settled fully between her legs, staring with his unsettling green eyes into her blue ones. Lilith moved impatiently beneath him and as if that was the permission he had waited for, he thrust forward. She tried very hard not to claw at his back, so she settled for his curls, ruffling through them, pulling at them when he had hit a particularly sensitive spot and her moans and sighs grew louder and more demanding. Arthur sought for a way of silencing her and settled for kissing her again and again, trying to soften the noise she made but soon he was beyond caring.
Her fingers dug into his shoulders as she came and she arched into him, murmuring his name so softly and tenderly that he hadn't expected to hear something so intimate from her. All the emotions in these two syllables pulled him over the edge and he tried very hard to not collapse on her, being afraid he would crush her with his weight but Lilith pulled him down on her, snuggling as close as possible.
After a while he still settled next to her instead of on top of her and snagged the blanket, pulling it around both of them. Tiredly, Lilith opened her eyes and snarled: "Don't you dare to make me leave now." He put a stray curl out of the way before he settled down again: "I cling to life, you know." She smiled at him and kissed him softly on the lips before she got back to sleep.
Arthur, however, stared at the woman in his arms wondering how this had exactly come about. Loudmouth Lilith as meek as a lamb in his arms, in his bed and in his life it seemed. Draping an arm over her frame he had to admit that he did not really care as long as she came to him every night.
Arthur was an early riser. He didn't need much sleep because he had soon learned that sleeping could be potentially dangerous. His routine included an early peek from the wall because he felt calmer and more at peace when he had evaluated the situation. His knights, although all watchful, were quite fond of sleeping so that they relied on his information when they met for their muster. This morning, however, he had a hard time getting out of bed. Lilith had somehow managed to sleep on top instead of next to him. She had one arm and one leg draped over him and simply refused to let go when he tried to pry her off. And admittedly, it felt far too nice to have someone warm and soft clinging to him to invest much energy in getting up.
So he had a hard time being on time for the muster and his knights looked confused when he rushed into their meeting room, curls unruly and as sleepy as Arthur Castus could possibly look.
"You alright?" Bors asked, concern evident in his voice.
"Sure", Arthur tried to wave him off casually but Lancelot knew him far too well. Although the young knight didn't say a word, he scrutinised his commander, wondering what was going on.
"So, what do the wild Woads say this morning?" Gawain asked listlessly, hoping that they would be left in peace for one more day.
Arthur, ever disciplined and a typical Roman soldier, tried very hard to not shuffle his feet in embarrassment as he answered: "I actually don't know. I haven't been on the wall yet. Somehow I couldn't get out of bed."
Galahad took this as his cue and went to investigate. Until he returned a heavy silence reigned and Arthur felt all eyes on him. So he started talking about new manoeuvres they needed to get used to and he did a good job of filling the silence. Finally Galahad returned and reported: "All peaceful."
"Thank God!" Arthur heaved a sigh in relief and he ended their meeting. At the door, Lancelot met him, curiosity and concern clearly written all over his face. He wanted Arthur to cheer up but by his dishevelled appearance, he feared the worst.
"Arthur, are you sure, everything is fine? You look like you had a hard night and didn't get a wink of sleep?"
"Believe me, Lancelot, I am absolutely fine. I haven't slept that well in years. No need for concern. Everything is fine." Arthur tried to calm the knight, wondering why he was so concerned but he didn't waste much time with him because he hoped to find Lilith still in bed. He beat a hasty retreat to his quarters and found her getting out of bed. She smiled at him sleepily and he was greeted with a kiss but his usual frown was back in place as he looked at her.
"Lilith, I am not sure how to deal with this..." he began and she looked confused: "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean – us. Is this a thing which will turn out to be common knowledge like Bors and Vanora?"
"You don't want to go public?"
"I hate playing hide and seek, Lilith, but somehow I don't know how to handle this..." he gestured vaguely between them and made Lilith laugh.
"Brave Arthur, let this be my concern. I will handle this." She offered and gratefully he accepted, strolling out of his room, his mind on the duties he had to fulfil. He didn't see the wicked grin which graced Lilith's pretty face. Otherwise he would have probably thought twice about her offer.
The day passed uneventfully and Arthur had caught glimpses of Lilith going about her duties. Now that she was truly his, he couldn't help but notice how beautiful she actually was. Her long curls flowed about her, her eyes twinkling merrily, and her every movement was graceful. He felt like a lovesick fool and he enjoyed every second of it.
Evening settle on the fort and the knights went to the tavern where Vanora awaited them with a drink, a song and a bit of fun. This night Arthur decided to join them and he was joyously welcomed in their midst. The knights didn't often see their commander socialising with them and they enjoyed having him around because they knew that he could be quite witty if he chose to be, and he was a challenge at all the games they played – he had a hand with the dices although he despised the game, his hand was steady when it came to throwing knives, and when he had had a few drinks of wine he very seldom would join Vanora in her songs. Both their voices mingled in a bitter sweet, almost hoarse tune reminding the Sarmatians of wild horses running over the steppe but in their opinion, they were afforded this luxury far too seldom. So, whenever Arthur made an appearance at the tavern, especially Gawain and Bors greeted him happily.
Lilith was also at the tavern, helping Vanora out and she flashed Arthur a quick smile bordering on wickedness that made him look forward to the night to come. None of the knights had noticed the looks passing between them. When all of them were served their drinks and conversation flowed easily, Vanora stepped behind Bors' seat and watched him at his game of dice.
Lilith had been chatting away with one or the other of the knights and they were surprised that she was so nice and tame this evening. She walked around the table in graceful, light movements until she came close to Arthur. Without a second of hesitation she slipped on his lap and settled an arm around his shoulder. Almost immediately, the knights fell silent and stared at the couple. Arthur didn't really know whether he should be amused or angry but one look in her eyes which shone with merriment and love, settled that. He just murmured: "If I had known how you would solve this little problem, I would have opted for doing it myself." In a protective and possessive way he wound an arm around her waist and smiled lovingly at her while her smile bordered on impishness as she leaned in to kiss him on the lips. The knights kept staring disbelievingly at the two of them until Bors reached for his bowl, hammering it rhythmically on the table, expressing his joy and consent in what he saw. Soon the others followed, even Galahad was attracted by the noise and when he saw his commander with Lilith in his arms, he heaved a sigh of relief because if anyone could tame this vixen it would be Arthur. He didn't have a clue that Lilith was neither a vixen nor did she need a tamer because her little show had finally gotten her what she so much had wanted.
