Author Note - Hey, there fellow fanfictioners :) I've been lurking through the iCarly section for awhile now and decided I had a few ideas of my own I should try to pen. This first one is a Valentine's Day one that has a little bit of every non-slash ship I personally think possible, even one that I don't think has been mentioned yet, but I could be wrong in that. So that's just as a heads up since one (possibly two though I've seen it done on here) might be a little put offish or bizarre.
Also, if you like detailed writing, I'm warning you now, you might want to look elsewhere. I'm first and foremost a dialogue writer since I generally write screenplays. For me, when writing fanfiction for a show people watch, there's not much need to describe in detail the performer's actions for things they've seen a million times. For example, you should already know how Carly and Sam jump off and on the camera to the point I don't need to describe those actions in too much detail. Sorry, I guess I'm just lazy like that :P
As for rating, I usually rate higher since each person has a different set of moral code. The show is on TEEN Nick so I went with T (even though it's rated Y7...) but doubt it will ever be anything more than what is allowed on the series for real.
Disclaimer - I don't own iCarly and I don't claim to be funny in anything that I write.
Chapter 1
"Hey there iCarly lovers," Carly began the intro to their webcast. "Don't ya just love loving love?"
"Wow, Carly, that's so much love I might puke," Sam chimed in. "Did Freddie scramble your brain waves or something?" Sam smirked at Freddie who stood behind the camera returning the smirk with a "will you ever stop?" look on his face.
"No, Sam, you know why. It's to get all of our iCarly viewers in the mood for…"
"VALENTINE'S DAY!" the girls said in unison which was followed by the sound of cheers as Sam pushed the button on her sound effects remote.
"That's right, folks, the biggest day for gaga eyes and chocolate consuming is this coming Monday, so we thought we would celebrate with an all V-Day webcast," Carly explained in her usual peppy manner.
"Whoa whoa whoa," Sam stopped her. "Don't you mean SA Day?"
"What's SA Day?" Freddie asked in confusion.
"Single Awareness Day," Carly and Sam answered, again in unison.
"And Sam's right," Carly spoke again, "This show will not only feature segments for those who aren't single, but also segments for those who will be celebrating SA Day instead."
"Good, because I'm ready to kick off my segment," Sam jumped in and pushed a button on her remote. The words 10 Reasons I Hate Cupid flashed across the screen accompanied by a jingle. "That's right, I hate Cupid. Stupid little, diaper wearing nub. And here are my top ten reasons why. Number 10, why is he wearing just a diaper? That's not even romantic! Number 9, he shoots arrows for the love of ham. Someone should arrest him for assault and battery. Confiscate his arrows and clip his wings! Number 8, because of him, I have to go about a month only seeing pink and red. Those colors are fine and all, but an entire month is enough to make me hurl. Number 7, flower allergies, enough said. Number 6, hearts do not look like that people! Number 5, people waste their money on a relationship that probably won't last anyways. Number 4, if Cupid doesn't assault you with his arrows by V-Day you'll be labeled a bigger loser than any other day of the year. Number 3, why roses? Here, have a red rose and OH MY GAWD did I just slice off your finger!? Number 2, chocolate makes me break out, buy me cheese or meat instead, that's real indulgence food. And finally, Number 1, Freddie is a nerd."
"Hey! What does that have to do with Cupid or Valentine's Day?" Freddie yelled from behind the camera.
"Because Cupid is probably the reason your parents fell in love and decided to have a Freddie," Sam answered as though it were a logical explanation for the matter.
"Alright," Carly stepped in before anything else could be said. "thanks Sam for starting off the show so bitterly," Carly smiled with her eyebrows raised in skepticism.
"No problem!"
"Okay, next up, my brother Spencer is going to join us. He has made an interactive sculpture in honor of Valentine's Day. Come on out, Spencer!"
Spencer came out wheeling a giant sculpted replica of the heart with several note cards pinned all over it. "Hi everybody! And before I forget, Sam is definitely right about the heart looking nothing at all like those boxes of chocolates. It looks like this! Tada!" Spencer held out his hands towards his newest creation as he stood beside it.
"So the human heart is covered with push pins and note cards?" Carly asked, jokingly taking Spencer's words literally.
"Well, no, not the note cards and push pins," Spencer answered slowly. "Those are part of the design because this sculpture is called Wise Heart. Why you ask?"
"Not really, but tell us anyways," Sam said unenthusiastically, although she meant it more playfully than hurtfully.
"Okay, well on each one of these cards is written fool proof ways to win the heart of the person you love. Little nuggets of wisdom if you will," Spencer explained.
"Really!?" The camera shook up and down as Freddie rushed over to the sculpture. "Here, hold this!" Freddie shoved the camera into Spencer's hands and pulled off one of the note cards, "Get ready to love me, Carly Shay." Carly and Sam shared a baffled look as Freddie read the card aloud. "Roll yourself in grease and flower petals and publicly perform an interpretive dance proclaiming your love." Freddie studied it for a few seconds and then looked at Carly as suavely as possible. "So, Carly, got any grease?"
"Freddie," Carly rolled her eyes with a small smile at his stupidity. "Doing that won't make me love you. At all."
"No, but it might make me love you," Sam added. "So go ahead, give it a try. Spencer, make sure the camera's rolling on this," Sam instructed.
"See, they work!" Spencer exclaimed with utter glee.
"No they don't!" Freddie retorted. "It doesn't count if they attract the wrong person."
"What? So you're saying I'm not worth attracting like Carly is? Is that it?" Sam argued with Freddie, closing the space as Freddie cowered a little.
"Well, I uh, no, I mean, uh, what kind of petals would you like?" Freddie asked nervously.
"Okay, you two, break it up. We're still live," Carly returned everyone's focus to the webcast as Freddie took his place back behind the camera and Spencer took his sculpture and stood off to the side. "In case you're wondering, that was part of a new segment called uh, Disproving Love Myths. That's right, opposites do NOT always attract. So if you are a bunny loving cheerleader, it's probably best you don't try to hook up with a bunny hating emo kid, no offense to either."
"Amen," Sam went along with her friend's attempt to laugh off the incident as they continued on with the remaining segments of the broadcast. "So what are we going to do for our big finale, Carly?" Sam finally asked as the show wound down.
"I'm very glad you asked, Sam. Okay, web watchers, we have a neighbor from downstairs who is a self-proclaimed love doctor who's here to give all of you some pointers on catching or keeping your S.O.S."
"Aww, someone special," Sam made a puppy dog face close to the camera and traced an air heart with her fingers.
"Come on out, Dr. Blub," Carly cheered while Sam, Freddie and Spencer tried to hold back laughter at the sound of the guy's name.
"I'm glad to be here, Carly, Sam," the guy, only about a few years older than Spencer, said as he joined them on camera. "As you know, I've helped several people in their quest for true love. Just last week, I was the best man for a wedding for a couple I brought together."
"Wow, pretty cool for a guy who really isn't a doctor," Sam said sarcastically.
"I am too, Sam. I'm a loooooove doctor," Dr. Blub responded.
"Yeah, but you just give love advice based on probably little to no experience," Sam didn't even miss a beat.
"I most certainly do not just give advice," he defended. "In fact, I have my own guaranteed love inducing smoothie. It's called Arrowmantic Surprise. Get it? A romantic surprise? Arrows? Cupid?"
"You obviously missed my Cupid segment," Sam eyed him, visibly annoyed by the man.
"So, what are you saying?" Carly kept the show on subject. "You have a love potion in smoothie form?"
"Pretty much," Dr. Blub nodded his head. "It's made of an exact blend of love-inducing fruits and boosts. One smoothie will send you on your way to falling head over heels for the person already in your heart whether you know it or not."
"What a load of crud," Sam refused to go along with it.
"You still don't believe me? I will prove it to you!" Dr. Blub looked around the room hysterically, "All of you! I'll go make you some smoothies and you'll see for yourself!"
"Okay, that man is weird," Carly said into the camera, an odd expression on her face.
"And delusional," Sam added. "It's a good thing I like any kind of smoothie."
"Right you are, Sam. But unfortunately, that's all the time we have, so sorry to the people at home, you won't be able to see what happens," Carly apologized sincerely.
"But don't worry, as you all know, you won't miss anything too important," Sam chimed in, "since we know there's no way it's going to work."
"Still, we can't just leave the fans hanging," Carly retorted. "So we'll keep the camera rolling and we'll add it to our bonus footage link, so don't forget to visit ! So until next time…"
"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! WHOO!!" Carly and Sam waved and then danced a little as Freddie faded them out.
"And it's a wrap," Freddie stopped the webcast, opened a new recording and set the camera on a stand to keep rolling as Carly had promised. "So are we really going to drink these smoothies?" He asked as he joined the other three.
"Hello, it's a free smoothie," Sam answered as if the decision was final.
"Sam's right," Carly agreed. "I could use a smoothie right now, and free makes it sound even better. Besides, like Sam said, we know it's not really going to do anything."
"Now, as the responsible adult I think it might not be smart for us to drink strange smoothies given to us by a strange man," Spencer reasoned.
"You can use a crazy straw," Sam offered as a compromise.
"Yay, I LOVE crazy straws!" Spencer responded excitedly as they waited for Dr. Blub to return. "They're just so crazy."
"That they are," the others pretended to be just as enthusiastic as Spencer was. Just then, Dr. Blub re-entered with a tray of smoothies. As he did, Spencer rushed out, almost knocking the tray from Dr. Blub's hands, and down the stairs.
"Where's he going?" Dr. Blub asked trying to stabilize the tray.
"To get his crazy straw," Carly answered.
"Okay," the man held out the tray for them to grab their smoothies and in record time, Spencer came rushing back into the room and grabbed his smoothie as well. "Drink it up, you doubting Thomas's but that blend is scientifically guaranteed to work."
"It's also scientifically delicious!" Sam said as she swallowed. "Man, for a crazy man you sure can make smoothies."
"Wow!" Carly exclaimed as she followed in taking her first drink. "This is amazing. Who needs a cheap gimmick when the smoothie tastes as good as this?"
They all "yummed" and nodded as they finished their smoothies. "Dude, that was probably the best smoothie ever. Definitely worthy of the crazy straw," Spencer said between slurps as he tried to get every last bit on the bottom.
"Whoa, guys, wait…" Sam suddenly stopped them and put her hand on her head. "Guys, I feel weird. I don't know; everything's a little blurry." They immediately set down their cups and hurried over to her while Dr. Blub looked on with anticipation. "Freddie, I…I…Freddie, I love you."
"What!?" Freddie jumped back in disgust.
"Kiss me, Freddie," Sam continued in a monotone voice. "Kiss me and I'll…I'll have to beat you like a piñata," Sam's voice returned to normal as she started to laugh. Carly nudged her friend in the ribs but couldn't help but laugh to as they saw the still disgusted look on Freddie's face.
"That was meaner than the time you emailed me and told me Carly was going to have a restraining order put on me," Freddie crossed his arms angrily.
"You told him about the restraining order?" Carly looked at Sam in shock.
"You mean it was true?!" Freddie turned in surprise to Carly.
"Of course it wasn't true," Carly answered in exasperation of Freddie's gullibility.
"But I think she mentioned it once," Spencer added his two cents.
"Hey, guys," Sam interrupted their conversation. "What happened to Dr. No Nothing Blubber?" They looked around and noticed their cups, including Spencer's straw, were missing.
"Okay, that's freaky. He didn't even say anything. He just vanished," Carly exchanged an confused, slightly disturbed glance with her friends.
"And he took my straw!" Spencer exclaimed loudly and then dropped his face into his hands. "He took my crazy straw."
"It's alright," Carly patted her brother on the back, "we'll get you a new one. Okay?"
"Okay."
