Amor, According to Nara Shikamaru
Summary: Shikamaru WOULD kill the romance. A collection of stories on how Konoha's lazy genius analyzes the several love cliches that have cursed his friends. Better yet, even Shikamaru himself falls victim to love.
Author's Note (Feel free to skip ahead to the actual chapter, which starts after the line break)
Hello! My name is Nakoujou, and I have been writing fanfiction for quite a few years. Usually, my stories are within the SasuSaku range but I want to break out just by a tiny bit. This was very spur on the moment story that was bubbling in my head and I had to write it down. It came out pretty nice, and with some additional days of editing, I'm finally good with it. Of course, there's always room for improvement but I'm satisfied with this chapter.
Inspiration: I was incredibly tempted to do those typical, love-cliche type of stories (Princessess, slave, vampire, etc) and see how my version would work but I wanted to put an interesting spin on it: It's from Shikamaru's point of view. I consider him my favorite character in Naruto and I love his cynical and sarcastic view, yet he manages to remain very mature. Exploring and experimenting with how he would see love was very interesting to write about.
This whole story is just as it sounds like. Shikamaru will summarize every epic, love cliche you see on fanfiction that spawns throughout a gazillion chapters...in one chapter. Each chapter will showcase a different scenario of a love cliche we find on fanfiction, using different couples, all through the eyes of Shikamaru.
The main couples that will be featured are SasuSaku, NaruHina, ShikaIno, and NejiTen. Those are the four I love the most, but I might experiment outside of those couples when I feel like it.
By the way, I'm not hating on love cliches. Some of them are very well-written and unique that I thoroughly enjoy. But sometimes, it gets too overdone. I don't even consider this story a parody of sorts. I see it more leaning to satire, but not entirely.
Obviously, my first victim is SasuSaku. I'm most familiar with this couple as I written many stories about them. Hence, I need to make fun of them first. Trust me: I'm a diehard SasuSaku shipper, but I can see it's faults and poke fun at it too.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this collection/anthology series! I don't know how much I'll update this since I'm still working on my main project "How Uchiha Sasuke Romanced Haruno Sakura." We'll see what happens!
-Nakoujou
Chapter 1: The "I Love Her, But She's Engaged to Another Man" Scenario
Subjects: Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura
Hypothesis: Haruno Sakura will run out of her wedding, track Uchiha Sasuke all over the village because he refuses to be at stupid said-wedding, and they will confess their love and live happily ever after.
You would think that the Konoha would be overjoyed again after all the crap that happened during the Fourth Great Shinobi War. See, I thought peace would finally return when Madara was dead, not attempting to take over the world under some crazy Moon-Eye Plan that would summon some demonic monster back to life again. I thought we would be smiling when Uchiha Sasuke returned back to Konohagakure thanks to Naruto.
But no, peace did not come to Konohagakure. Don't get me wrong; war hasn't broken out again and I doubt we're on brinkmanship with any village.
In fact, it came in an intricately, white, floral invitation that read "You are invited to celebrate the union of Matsumoto Takeru and Haruno Sakura."
Okay, there were two things wrong with that within the first five seconds I saw that wedding invitation in my mail. Number one: the card looked extremely expensive. There at least a dozen origami flowers decorated from top to bottom. Those poor card makers.
Number two: Who the hell was Matsumoto Takeru? And how on earth did he and Sakura manage to meet, fall in love, and engaged in between a war? A freakin, world war that could have destroyed the ninja universe and they decide to get hitched? A curious thing, very curious.
Okay, who is this guy? According to the card, I'm supposed to believe that he's a Konoha-nin of our age, yet I've never seen or heard of him until I got this invitation. Where was this dude when we were in the Academy? Actually, I didn't even know Sakura was dating.
Yes, I'm not the closest person to her, but I think I would know if she had a boyfriend or not (especially since it's not Uchiha Sasuke). And honestly, why is it the most random person? Why Sakura, with your giant forehead of knowledge, did you decide to marry a guy whom none of us ever heard of? I didn't know this guy existed. Why couldn't you have at least chosen somebody we know, like Kiba or Neji or Gaara? Women, these days.
Actually, that's just crack. I don't even know which one I prefer: friends dating each other or with some random person. I really don't know.
I thought the weirdness of Sakura's engagement would end after a day or two for me. I mean, the initial shock of realizing what happened wasn't too terrible. I would give Sakura my congratulations; even to her fiancée (I still always forgot his name. Honestly, where did this guy come from?) I really did think everything would go back to normal.
Oh I wish I did, if Uchiha Sasuke wasn't some drama queen.
I have no idea how much he had truly given up on revenge. Naruto had managed to convince Sasuke (after a gruesome, life-threatening fight between the two) to return back. I rather not go into detail about that because that's troublesome and none of my business, but basically, he's back to the normal, calm Uchiha Sasuke before leaving Konoha.
Until Sakura sent out those damn wedding invitations. And then, I don't know why Konoha is loving randomness so much, but Sasuke's caught that bug too.
Because a few days later, when Naruto's yelling at the whole village about Sakura's engagement, he was shut up by a reasons-I-don't-know enraged Sasuke, who chidori'd the poor guy into a tree.
See, for a lot of people, they would think that Sasuke's just moody for Naruto being too loud. They would think that Sasuke is still hell-bent against Konoha, which results in Naruto allowing him to be his little punch bag until he settles back in. Or maybe that Sasuke was banned from missions for two years and still used Naruto as a punching bag.
Or if you're like me, who finds connections through the tiniest moments (yet have cynical results), you would tie in to the fact that Sasuke had been very calm until a week ago...the same time Sakura sent out her wedding invitations. Then, you make startling realizations that you wish you never did, but it comes anyway.
Because Holy. Shit. Uchiha Sasuke's in love with Haruno Sakura. And she's engaged. Wow, that did not take the time to read a damn novel to figure out (Of course, it will for everybody else. I will never understand how people cannot see what is so obvious in front of them.)
I'm sorry, but in my cruel dry sense of humor, this is quite amusing. Really, I want to give Sasuke a plaque that said "Congratulations, Uchiha, for realizing you have feelings for a girl who loved you for six years the moment she's about to marry another man." If that's the only way he's going to know that he's emotional, then I feel so bad for Sakura. I swear, this is going to be a rollercoaster for them. Especially if she secretly-kinda-little bit-still-but out of guilt-teensy bit-OH WHO AM I KIDDING HERE?
We all know that deep down- like really, really deep- Sakura's still in love with Sasuke. Sure, Sakura gives off that vibe that says "Hey Sasuke, just because I've loved you for six years doesn't mean its forever." But honestly, pinning for Sasuke forever sounds saner than marrying a guy that nobody knows. Come on...Matsumoto Takeru? I still don't know what he does as a ninja. Where did you find this guy? WHO IS HE?
At the same time, I don't want a whole autobiography from him either. That's too troublesome. But damn, it would have been so much easier if her fiancée didn't pop out of nowhere.
Unfortunately, nobody except Naruto agrees with my theory. All the girls (especially Ino) think that Sakura has become the strong, independent woman. Sakura would never go back to loving a man who hurt her so much, Ino insisted. Sakura deserved to be with a man who would cherish her, love her, make her happy, and all the sappy romantic stuff girls want. Sakura has no room for a bastard like Uchiha Sasuke; in fact, she still hasn't completely forgiven him.
Well, Ino's going to have a hand-full when I turn out to be right.
I bet you anything that Sasuke and Sakura would go on this dramafest, arguing constantly on the stupidest things that eventually relate back to her engagement and her fiancée that nobody really knows about but he's a good guy supposedly. Then, they're going to have these small, but intimate moments where their fingers touch and all a sudden, it's like they're in heaven and the spark of love has returned. With some persuasion by Naruto (because he's so darn good at those) they will have a small return to friendship, but it'll be short-lived because Sakura's weird fiancée will have a bout of jealousy and distrust against Sasuke (Wow, shocker). But we all know that's not gonna work because Sasuke could easily bury what's-his-face in the ground without breaking a sweat.
And it still arises. Something obnoxious will go wrong with Sakura and her fiancée, leading her to run to Sasuke for comfort. They will probably start making out or getting busy under the sheets, which confuses them even more about their feelings. But Sasuke, being the total idiot he is when it comes to feelings, will say something stupid and very jackass-y to drive Sakura back to her fiancée because he "only wants her to be happy."
Sounds crazy, right? Yeah, but it's gonna happen. Trust me: I know how these things work.
Ino still thinks otherwise; Sakura's a lot stronger than I think, apparently. Sure, maybe she's starting to get friendlier with Sasuke as the wedding dates approaches. Sure, maybe Sakura is laughing around Sasuke more, showing how comfortable she is. Sure, they're just hanging out more to reform their friendship. And sure, maybe Sakura now blushes when Sasuke when he touches her only out of embarrassment. But Sakura definitely does not love Sasuke.
Here's where she's wrong: I'm not denying that Sakura is strong. Hell, she could cripple me with two fingers if I got on her bad side. And yes, she's very independent.
But damn, she could be very emotional when it happens. Just look at it: She still loves the same man who tried to kill her. Twice. But hey, women are confusing. I rather not touch there again.
AND OH LOOK WHAT HAPPENS THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING?
Sakura catches her what's-his-face fiancée making out with a random girl at a club. She yells at him viciously on how she trusted him to never do such a thing. How she thought he was the one for her. How he was supposed to be different.
I hate to abuse her misery, but honestly Sakura...you should have seen it coming. ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S SOME DUDE NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT. WHY WOULD WE EVER TRUST A COMPLETE STRANGER?
Now, it came no surprise to me that she eventually sought out Sasuke for comfort but...DAMN, DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO MAKE OUT IN PUBLIC?
Well they weren't really in public. I mean, it was beyond past midnight where nobody would be out in the village. The only people out were Sasuke, Sakura and...me (Don't look at me; I don't remember why I was there either). Anyway, Sasuke saw Sakura crying on a bench (might I add it's the same exact bench he left her at for rapist and serial killers to hunt after her), she cried her heart out, Sasuke said something that's a mixture of his coldness but hidden feelings for her, and they proceed to make out.
I'm sure this is all very romantic to them, their insides so warm and hot and heavy and all that jazz. To finally get that kiss they had waiting for so long, yet is so forbidden. And something about the forbidden being the sweetest which makes absolutely no sense. And because they held out on each other for so long, only for them to kiss impulsively makes it even more worthwhile and amazing.
But from an outsider's point of view...it looks so weird. And uncomfortable. And nasty when it looks like he's a vampire sucking the blood and life out of her when really, Sasuke's just kissing her neck very "animalistically." Ugh, I can't even finish it. Honestly: making out only looks good when you're doing it. It's just incredibly awkward watching it. Which I have no idea why I continued to stare like some creep.
And the morning after, the fireworks came.
See, this is the part where Sakura and Sasuke start to ignore each other completely in public. When they are forced to be together (mainly by Naruto), they are just terribly awkward. Their tense nature makes it so obvious that something went down between them, but nobody knows why. Nobody knows what happened between them.
Except for me of course. Because I actually know. And I feel a bit prideful that only I hold this knowledge compared to everybody else. I swear, Ino's about to pull her hair out because Sakura refuses to tell her anything. Oh the great feeling of knowing a secret that everybody's dying to know. Sometimes, it's just too good. Heh heh.
I'm so cruel, enjoying so much from Sasuke's and Sakura's pain. And yet, I don't feel that sorry, really. Yes, their situation does sound confusing and painful to deal with, but it's their own damn fault they're too stubborn to admit they're still in love with each other. Life would be so much easier if they actually confessed and beat that cock-blocking fiancée out of the way.
Now all that was left to wait was for Sasuke to be all angsty and goes "No, Sakura's too good for me. I have to give her up to the random-fiancée-nobody-cares-about no matter how emo and depressed I'll be for the rest of my life because I can't stop loving her." And on the day of Sakura's wedding, she'll finally realize that she can't let go of Sasuke, chase him somewhere because he can't stand to be at the wedding, and jump in his arms. They'll confess their love, kiss, and live happily ever after.
It's the morning of the wedding. We're all waiting in the church. While everybody anticipates Sakura saying "yes" to said random fiancée, I'll be the one that totally calls it when she runs out. Trust me, I'm not into those sappy romantic movies like Ino is. But when it happens in real life...oh I just can't wait to rub it in Ino's face to prove how wrong she is.
Hold up, something's wrong. Naruto just burst into the reception room, dragging out all the guys. He looks panicked, terrified, as if he's about to have a heart attack. Heh, maybe he's about to scream at Sakura how Sasuke refuses to be at the wedding-
WHAT? DID NARUTO JUST SAY WHAT I THINK HE SAID? UCHIHA SASUKE LEFT THE VILLAGE? AGAIN? AND HE'S ALREADY OUTSIDE OF FIRE COUNTRY'S BORDERS, NO WHERE TO BE FOUND? BECAUSE HE CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE OF "RUINING SAKURA'S HAPPINESS" AGAIN? AFTER WE WASTED OVER FIVE YEARS TRYING TO DRAG HIS TROUBLESOME ASS BACK? OVER A GIRL? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHY ARE YOU SCREWING WITH US, UCHIHA?
Sasuke's too in love with Sakura, Naruto claims. He loves her so much that he only wants her to be happy, something he can't provide her. He fears hurting her all over again like when he left her on the stupid bench. And he's frightened by how much he loves her in return. And he so desperately wants to hold her, hug her, kiss her, and all that romance-y cliché stuff girls think guys want to do with them when confessing their love. And he doesn't want to ruin Sakura's potential happiness, because all that matters is that she smiles every-
OH WHAT A LOAD OF BULL! It's final: Uchiha Sasuke is the biggest coward in the world; he had to leave the freakin' village so he wouldn't have to face Sakura. Hell, I'm pretty sure he could murder Takeru (Wow, I remember his name) in ten seconds, BUT HE CAN'T ADMIT HIS CHEESY, UNDYING LOVE TO SAKURA?
I swear, I can hear Ino's voice gloating about how it's not physical strength that wins the girl, but the confidence to carry her as yours. That it's the heart that matters, not fists.
Screw that; Sasuke could still beat up the loser fiancée anyway.
Those two...they are going to have sad, miserable, angsty, depressing lives that I can no longer care about. I don't want to deal with taking Sasuke back again; Naruto's on his own this time (unless Sasuke starts the second wave of Akatsuki, then that's a WHOLE different story). Love is too troublesome, especially when it concerns an Uchiha.
Conclusion: Uchiha Sasuke can survive a Five-Kage-against-one battle, but he can't even bear to win a girl over some random loser that nobody remembers his name. Haruno Sakura needs to make up her mind faster when it comes to love.
Thank you for taking the time and reading the first chapter to the very end! I hope that went well! I accept any form of constructive criticism as long as it doesn't go overboard in rudeness. Also, if you have any reccomendation for cliches, free feel to tell me which ones you'll like too!
Also, I won't do anymore author's note. I only did it for this chapter because it's the first one. I'm starting to switch all my author's notes-ish rambling to my tumblr, which is basically just my penname following the tumblr link (easier one is found on my profile). Until next time!
