This Living Hand

by John Keats

This living hand, now warm and capable

Of earnest grasping, would, if it were cold

And in the icy silence of the tomb,

So haunt thy days and chill thy dreaming nights

That thou wouldst wish thine own heart dry of blood

So in my veins red life might stream again,

And thou be conscience-calmed-see here it is-

I hold it towards you.

We haven't touched much in all this time. I have, at times, felt the strength of his shoulder as a sign of support and have cradled the heft of his head in times of crises. I have been raised up to caution him, or direct him, or argue with him.

We have grazed each other accidentally in the heat of a chase, in the synchronicity in which they move, in all the mechanical ways. We have held weapons to defend them, but we have been kept apart by force. We've never been like this – palm to palm, all ten of each of our fingers intertwined as he moves on top of her, perspiring as they perspire.

I squeeze you when she feels so much, so much that she wants to take me away from you to have me cling to his body instead, and you squeeze back, pushing me down into the mattress, sheltering me. Thank you for that. I have needed you against me for so long, and so has she. She's needed you here, too, because she is scared sometimes, and unsure of herself, and needs your strength. She is going to learn to trust you as much as I trust you now.

So when you move to cup her chin so he can kiss her deeper, or you grab her hip so he can get her closer, that's okay, because she needs that, too, but please don't stay away.

When they are done with us for the night and settle in for sleep, he cradles her from behind and you reach over her hip to find me. I was waiting; it was effortless. We explore each other as they had us explore their bodies.

I know you. All these years of my life, I've learned your movements and your eccentricities. You have always been predictable, and that predictability has been reassuring. I knew that about you without ever feeling you, really feeling you.

Doesn't it make sense that it feels this right, that we fit so well? We've had all this time getting to know each other in other ways, other ways that matter now only because it led to this.

You are my comfort. And I want you to that I've needed you for a very long time, but I don't resent how long it took. You're with me now, and that's all that matters. You're here, and I love you.