Just something you ought to know before you read (and if you've been to my profile you can just skip this and get right to it): This is something that I do not write by myself. In fact, the whole thing started because me and my friend were having a fake argument and somehow the whole thing morphed into a twilight thing. So the 'K' that you see is me, and the 'M' that you see is my friend. Just so you know.
K-
I COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW TO SPELL IT, OKAY??? MY SPELL CHECK DOESN'T
INCLUDE NONSENSE WORDS!
M-
WELL LEARN IT! IT'S OUR LANGUAGE!! YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO SPELL OUR
LANGUAGE!!!!!!!
OKAY!?!?!??!
K-
I'M TRYING IT'S JUST HARD TO LEARN WHEN YOU'RE PRESSURING ME LIKE THIS!
WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?????
M-
BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY CUE BALL!!! AND IT WAS MY FAVORITE!!!! GOSH!!!
K-
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! I DON'T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH SOMETIMES!!!
M-
SURE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!! LIKE YOU PLAYING WITH THOSE POOL TABLE
STICKS!!!!
K-
THAT WASN'T MY FAULT, OKAY??
M-
IT SO TOTALLY WAS AND YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT!!!
K-
NUH UHHHHH!!!!!!!!
YOU PUSHED ME INTO IT!
SO IT WAS TOTALLY YOUR FAULT!
M-
NO!!!!! I DIDN'T "MAKE YOU" DO ANYTHING!! OKAY!?!?
K-
YES YOU DID!!!
JUST GROW UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS, GOSH!
M-
YOU GROW UP! I KNOW YOU STOLE MY NICKLEBACK C.D!!! IT'S NOT EVEN
FUNNY!!! I WOULDN'T MIND YOU BORROWING IT IF YOU GAVE IT BACK!!
*if you asked for it**
K-
I AM PROFUSELY SORRY!
I AM A MONSTER!!!
I DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN TO BE STRANGLED BY THIS ANACONDA!
M-
YES YOU DO!!! EVEN THE MONKEYS HATE YOU FOR STEALING!!! GOSH!!!!!! GET A
LIFE, LOSER!!
K-
I DON'T EVEN LIKE THAT CD!!!
IT IS LYRICALLY INSIPID!
M-
NO I DON'T THINK IT'S ENTERTAINING WATCHING GIRLS SHAKE THEIR BUTTS!
K-
MUST YOU PISTOL-WHIP EVERYONE??
M-
YES I MUST! ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I WANT THAT C.D. BACK!!!!
K-
I DID NOT STEAL YOUR CD!!!
YOU MUST HAVE LOST IT AGAIN!
THIS IS WHY WE CANT HAVE NICE THINGS!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN FATHER WILL BUY US A NEW ONE??
THAT IS A POOR ATTITUDE TO TAKE!
M-
I KNOW YOU TOOK IT!!!! DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!!! I AM SOOO TELLING FATHER!!!!
YOU KNOW YOU TOOK IT, BUT YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO ADMIT TO THE FACT
THAT YOU TOOK IT BECAUSE YOU ARE A KNIVEING LITTLE LIAR AND NOBODY
LOVES YOU!! SO GO LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS!!!
OKAY!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!
K-
TAKE IT BACK!
TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!
NO MOM, I WONT CALM DOWN! HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME, AND HE KNOWS IT'S
DISRESPECTFUL, HE KNOWS!
M-
I WILL NOT TAKE IT BACK!! IT'S THE TRUTH AND YOU KNOW IT!!! WHAT ARE YOU
EVEN TALKING ABOUT!? JUST GO DIE IN A BOTTOMLESS HOLE AND LEAVE US THE
HELL ALONE, OKAY!?
K-
NO RESPECT!
NO RESPECT!!!!
YOU ARE A HEATHEN!
A HEATHEN!!!!!!!!!!
I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT!
I AM TRULY SORRY!
I WILL GO WASH MY MOUTH OUT AND LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM!
NO ONE TALK TO ME!
I AM A MONSTER, IT IS WHAT I DESERVE!!!
M-
THANK GOD!!!! FINALLY!! EVERYBODY, HE'S LOCKING HIMSELF UP IN HIS ROOM!!!
YOU CAN COME OUT OF HIDING!!! I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR YOU TO DO
THAT!!! YAY!! WE NOW GET 2 WEEKS OF PEACE AND QUIET!!!!
K-
I CAN TAKE ALL THE TIME I NEED TO HEAL, OK??
KEEP IT DOWN, I'M TRYING TO READ PROUST!!!
M-
YEAH, AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, MAKE THE HOUSE ALL PRETTY AND NICE!!!
K-
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AGAIN BECAUSE YOU CANNOT USE
A SIMPLE MOP!!!
YES, I AM IMPLYING YOU ARE AN IDIOT. IT PAINS ME TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT
YOU, BUT I DO NOT THINK THE FLOORBOARDS CAN HANDLE ANY MORE DIRTY
WATER BEFORE DRY ROT SETS IN.
M-
THAT WAS YOU, YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A MOP!!! YOU ARE
OBVIOUSLY AN IDIOT BECAUSE YOU ARE CONFUSING YOUR IMAGINATION WITH
REALITY!!!
K-
YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE SOME MEMORY PROBLEMS!
I THINK CARLISLE SHOULD HAVE A LOOK AT YOUR HEAD, JUST TO MAKE SURE
THAT LAST BEAR YOU ATE DIDN'T LEAVE ANY PERMANENT DAMAGE!
AND EVEN SO, IMAGINATION WOULD BE SOMETHING YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM,
EMMETT! COULD YOU IMAGINE THE WORLD IF THERE WAS NO IMAGINATION? NO
HARRY POTTER!
NO, I DO NOT THINK THAT HARRY POTTER IS AN IDIOT!
HARRY POTTER IS A GENTLEMAN, EMMETT!
M-
HARRY POTTER CAN GO KISS MY ASS FOR ALL I CARE!!! HARRY POTTER IS NOT A
GENTLEMEN!!!! I THINK CARLISLE NEEDS TO GO GET SOME FIRE WOOD AND
MATCHES AND A BIG BUTCHER'S KNIFE FOR YOU!!!!
K-
SEE HERE, BUTCHER'S KNIVES ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS, EMMETT! THEY ARE FINELY
CRAFTED CULINARY EQUIPMENT AND SHOULD BE USED AS SUCH!
THEY WERE MADE FOR A PURPOSE, WE MUST RESPECT THAT!!!
DO STOP WAVING THAT AT ME IN A THREATENING MANNER, IT IS NOT
RESPECTFUL!
M-
WE NEED TO START CELEBRATING HALLOWEEN AND START CARVING YOUR FACE
WITH A BUTCHER'S KNIFE. CARLISLE!?!? CARLISLE!?!? WHERE'S THAT BUTCHER'S
KNIFE? DO WE STILL HAVE IT FROM THE TIME WE CARVED VICTORIA!?!? DAMN,
WHERE'S THAT KNIFE!! I BET YOU STOLE IT LIKE MY C.D.!!! STEALER!!!
K-
FOR THE LAST TIME, I DID NOT STEAL THAT HORRIBLE CD!
THAT MUSIC MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. AGAIN!
I CANNOT CONDONE YOUR MUSICAL CHOICE!
LISTEN TO HOW HE TALKS ABOUT WOMEN!
AND DRUGS ARE NOT COOL!
NOR IS SUCH VIOLENCE!
M-
YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO SAY OUTLOUD
THAT HE IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER!!! I'VE HEARD THAT C.D. IN YOUR ROOM AND I
KNOW WHERE YOU STASH HIS POSTERS!!
K-
YOU PLANTED THOSE POSTERS IN THERE!!!
WHY MUST YOU SABOTAGE ME SO???
I CANNOT SPEAK TO YOU WHEN YOU CARRY ON LIKE THIS!
M-
THEN GO LOCK YOURSELF UP IN YOUR BEDROOM, LOSER! NOBODY WANTS TO
LISTEN TO YOUR WHINING!! ~takes a staple gun and staples the posters to his head~ THAT
WAS YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT DAMN IT!!!
K-
WELL INSTEAD OF YOUR CRAPPY MUSIC POSTERS, PERHAPS YOU COULD HAVE
GOTTEN ME A THOUGHTFUL GIFT? LIKE MAYBE A SWEATER YOU KNITTED
YOURSELF, OR SOME LOVELY POTTERY. ONE CAN NOT HAVE TOO MANY CERAMIC
BOWLS, EVEN IF ONE DOES NOT EAT.
M-
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU BI***!!?!? I DIDN'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU A F******
CHRISTMAS PRESENT AT ALL! IT'S THE F****** THOUGHT THAT COUNTS YOU
MOTHER F*****!!!!!!
K-
WELL YOUR THOUGHT IS OBVIOUSLY PURELY SPITEFUL FOR YOU KNOW I CAN'T
STAND THAT BAND!
SUCH LANGUAGE! IT BURNS MY EARS! PLEASE! THERE ARE LADIES PRESENT!
M-
YOU THOUGHTLESS B****!!!!! CARLISLE!!!!!! WE NEED TO FIND THOSE KNIVES
NOW!!! F*** THAT MOTHER F*****!!! I GET A F****** NICE GIFT, AND HOW DO YOU
RESPOND!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!???!?! ~tackles Edward~
K-
A FLIMSY POSTER FOR DISTASTEFUL MUSIC IS NOT WHAT I WOULD CALL A NICE
GIFT!
I'M SORRY, I SHOULD BE MORE APPRECIATIVE, EVEN IF YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC IS
LACKING!
I AM A MONSTER FOR SAYING SUCH THINGS TO YOU!
A MONSTER!!!
M-
YES YOU ARE A MONSTER!!!!! A F****** MONSTER THAT WILL NEVER EVER GET
LA** AND WILL ALWAYS BE CLEANING WHEN PEOPLE ARE HAVING ***!!!!!
K-
WELL SOMEONE HAS TO CLEAN!!! THIS HOUSE IS FILTHY, HOW CAN WE EVER
HAVE PEOPLE OVER WHEN THERE IS DUST ON THE FLOOR! WE ARE NOT ANIMALS!
M-
THAT'S THE POINT!!! NOBODY COMES OVER LOSER!!! YOU'RE A SOCIAL PARIAH,
THAT'S WHY!!! YOU AND YOUR STUPID BELLA ARE ALWAYS OFF DOING GOD
KNOWS WHAT..
AND JASPER NEEDS TO STOP TRYING TO GET WITH BELLA!!! SHE IS MINE!!! AND IF
ANYBODY TRIES TO STEAL HER, I WILL GO BOOM HEADSHOT ALL OVER THEIR
ASSES!
I'VE SEEN THE LOOKS HE'S GIVEN HER!!!
K-
HE'S JUST TRYING NOT TO EAT HER, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO
UNDERSTAND THAT!
SUCH VIOLENCE, HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING SUCH UNSPEAKABLE
DEEDS TO YOUR OWN BROTHER??
M-
BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO GET WITH HER AND IT MAKES ME MAD!!! YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND!!! YOU'RE NOT A CONTROL FREAK LIKE ME!!!
K-
AND BELLA IS NOT STUPID! HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT MY ONLY
LOVE, THE TRUEST OF ALL LOVES??? SHE IS PURE AND LOVELY AND IS THE ONLY
LIGHT IN MY BLACK LIFE!
M-
DUDE, SHE'S ONLY WITH YOU BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET WITH YOU!! GOD, YOU
ARE AN IDIOT!!!
K-
TAKE THAT BACK! JUST BECAUSE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HER PURITY AND
HER KINDNESS TOWARDS ME, THOUGH I DO NOT DESERVE IT, DOES NOT MEAN
SHE IS, AS YOU SAY, ONLY TRYING TO GET WITH ME! WE HAVE A DEEPLY
EMOTIONAL CONNECTION THAT I DO NOT EXPECT SOMEONE LIKE YOU TO
UNDERSTAND! SHE LOVES ME EVEN THOUGH I AM A MONSTER WHO DESERVES TO
BE LONELY FOREVER!!!
M-
PURITY!? WHAT "PURITY!?" OH, C'MON, THERE IS NO "DEEP CONNECTION." STOP
FOOLING ME BY TELLING ME WORTHLESS S***!!! THE ONLY "DEEP CONNECTION"
IS WHEN YOU TWO ARE ALONE IN YOUR LITTLE HOUSE, AWAY FROM EVERYBODY.
YEAH, THAT'S "DEEP" ALRIGHT!!
K-
NO ONE HAS EVER FELT THIS WAY! SHE IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE! YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND OUR LOVE!!!!
WHAT IF SHE WERE TO HEAR YOU SAYING SUCH THINGS?? BELLA'S HAPPINESS IS
THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IN THE WORLD TO ME! I WOULD RATHER DIE A
THOUSAND DEATHS THAN TO SEE HER UPSET FOR ONE MOMENT!
NOT THAT I DON'T DESERVE TO DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS, FOR I AM A MONSTER!
M-
DUDE, SHUT THE F*** UP!!! ~GRABS HIM AND THROWS HIM AS HARD AS HE CAN
DOWN THE STAIRS AND THEN "FLIES" DOWN THE STAIRS AND HITS HIM~ ~TAKES
THE STAPLE GUN AND STARTS PUNCHING IT ON HIS HEAD AND WHEN HE IS DONE
EDWARD'S HEAD READS "PLAYER."~
K-
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF MY LOVE FOR BELLA! AND I BET
YOU'RE STILL BITTER THAT SHE BEAT YOU AT THAT ARM WRESTLING TOO, AREN'T
YOU?? WELL, I WON'T ALLOW YOU TO COME NEAR HER ANYMORE. YOUR WORDS
WOULD BREAK HER FRAGILE HEART! MY POOR, SWEET, FRAGILE BELLA!
M-
EDWARD, SHE'S NOT ONE OF US!!! SHE NEVER WILL BE!! AND THE ONLY REASON
WHY THAT B**** BEAT ME IS BECAUSE SHE HAS F****** HUMAN BLOOD RUNNING
THROUGH HER VEINS!! WHAT A F****** SKAN*!
K-
EMMETT, I MUST ASK YOU NOT TO USE SUCH LANGUAGE! WHAT IF BELLA HEARD
YOU?? SHE IS A LADY! NOT A FOWL WORD FOR A FEMALE DOG!
OH DEAR, WHAT IF RENESME HEARS YOU?? SHE IS A SWEET INNOCENT CHILD,
EMMETT! I COULDN'T BEAR IT IF HER INNOCENCE OR HAPPINESS WERE TO BE
TARNISHED IN ANY WAY!!! IT WOULD DEVASTATE ME SO!
M-
I'M SURE RIGHT NOW HER AND THAT DOG ARE GETTING IT ON!!! OH, AND I DO
UNDERSTAND LOVE. AT LEAST ROSALIE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME LIKE BELLA
DID TO YOU, TURNING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND MAKING OUT WITH THE LITTLE
HALF-HUMAN'S FUTURE HUSBAND!!
K-
BELLA'S KISS WITH JACOB WAS ENTIRELY NOT HER FAULT. I CAN BLAME ONLY
MYSELF FOR MY EXTENDED ABSENCE FROM HER LIFE! I AM A MONSTER FOR
LEAVING HER AND BRINGING SUCH HEART BREAKING DECISIONS INTO HER LIFE!
M-
YES, YOU ARE A F****** MONSTER, YOU F****** SELFISH LOW LIFE!!! AND I THINK
BELLA WANTED HIM TO KISS HER!! AND ALL NIGHT TOO, SHE DID. I KNOW
THINGS!!
K-
HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH THINGS?? BELLA HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME! SHE IS
PERFECTLY BLISSFULLY MARRIED TO ME AND WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LOVE THAT
WILL LAST UNTIL THE END OF ALL TIME! YOU ARE TOO SIMPLE TO UNDERSTAND
OUR COMPLICATED LOVE!
M-
YEAH, IT'S COMPLICATED ALRIGHT!! HER DOINGS WITH THAT DOG!! SNEAKING
AROUND YOUR BACK. YOU KNOW, I'M SURE AS SOON AS YOU GUYS GO HOME
AND DO WHATEVER YOU DO, SHE SNEAKS OUT AND GOES AND MEETS UP WITH
THAT DOG!!
K-
BELLA DOES NOT SNEAK! SHE IS A LOVELY WOMAN! JACOB TRICKED HER INTO IT!
IT HAS NOT HAPPENED SINCE! I TRUST BELLA! AND JACOB WOULD NOT BE ABLE
TO DO THAT TO NESSIE, HE IS FAR TO LOYAL. WE ARE ALL HAPPY IN LOVE AND IF
YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND THAT I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOU!
M-
NO DUDE!! SHE SNEAKS!! AND I'M SURE YOU SNEAK TOO!!! PROBABLY WITH THAT
LEAH GIRL THAT'S PART OF THE DOG'S PACK!!! WHAT A MAN WHO**!!! DUDE,
YOU'RE BEING A PLAYA!! FAR BEYOND ME. ONCE A PLAYA, ALWAYS A PLAYA.
K-
I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON MY POOR SWEET BELLA! SHE IS FAR TO WONDERFUL
FOR ME TO EVER WISH TO BETRAY HER IN SUCH A MANNER! I HAVE NEVER
WANTED ANYONE ELSE IN MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE! SHE IS MY ONLY LOVE! MY
ONE TRUE LOVE! BELLLLLLLA!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BELLA!!!!!! MY ONE TRUE LOVE!!!!
MY ONLY LOVVVVE!!!!!!
M-
~SLAPS HIM~ GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!! SEE WHAT THIS WOMAN DOES TO
YOU!! LOOK AT YOURSELF!! YOU'RE A WRECK IF YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR
"PRECIOUS" BELLA, THAT CHEATS TILL THE NO TOMORROW! I'M SURE HER AND
MIKE HAD A THING TOO.
K-
BELLA IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME! MIKE NEWTON IS A
PIG! I HAVE SEEN HIS MIND, EMMETT! SHE IS AN OBJECT TO HIM! AN OBJECT!!! I
WILL ALWAYS TREAT BELLA LIKE THE QUEEN SHE IS! SHE DESERVES NOTHING
LESS FOR ACCEPTING ME WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS, THOUGH I AM A MONSTER!
SHE IS ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD, EMMETT!
M-
DUDE, SHE IS A F****** MONSTER!!! WHO IS USING YOU!! YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T
SEE IT, BUT I SEE RIGHT THROUGH HER!!!! SHE'S A PLAYA MAN. JUST ACCEPT IT
AND MOVE ON IN LIFE. AND MIKE AND I ARE TIGHT. SO SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT
HIM!!
K-
YOU AND MIKE WOULD BE 'TIGHT', WOULDN'T YOU? YOU PROBABLY LISTEN TO
THE SAME FOWL MUSIC AND OBJECTIFY THE SAME INNOCENT GIRLS!
I MUST INSIST THAT YOU AND ROSALIE SEEK COUNSELING! I CANNOT PERMIT
YOU TO SLANDER BELLA IN SUCH A WAY! YOU MUST REALIZE THAT YOUR CRUEL
WORDS STEM FROM YOUR JEALOUSY OVER OUR WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP!
PERHAPS WITH PROFESSIONAL HELP YOU COULD RECOGNIZE AND APPRECIATE
THE BEAUTIES OF LOVE!
M-
DUDE, WHO SAYS THAT!?!? YOU SERIOUSLY NEED HELP!! LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!
"THE BEAUTIES OF LOVE!" MY ASS! ROSALIE AND I ARE FAR BETTER OFF THAN YOU
ARE!! I KNOW MY GIRL DOESN'T CHEAT ON ME, EDWARD!!! YOURS ON THE OTHER
HAND, DOES. EVERY NIGHT. WITH A DIFFERENT PERSON. OH- WHAT'S THAT
CALLED? PROSTITUTE?
K-
BELLA IS NOT A PROSTITUTE! HOW SUCH FOWL AND LOATHSOME WORDS ESCAPE
YOUR MOUTH I CANNOT FATHOM! SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY EXISTENCE, EMMETT!
SHE IS COMPLETELY LOYAL TO ME! IF YOU HAVE ANY LOVE AND RESPECT FOR ME
AT ALL THEN YOU WILL ACCEPT HER WITH KINDNESS AND PERHAPS YOU WILL
COME TO LOVE HER AS ONE SHOULD LOVE THEIR SISTER-IN-LAW! ROSE AND I
DON'T ALWAYS GET ALONG, BUT I ALWAYS MAKE AN EFFORT, DO I NOT??
BECAUSE WE ARE FAMILY!!! IF YOU CANNOT CONTAIN YOUR HIDEOUS WORDS I
SHALL HAVE TO CALL A FAMILY MEETING!
M-
I'M SURE YOU AND ROSE GOT IT DONE TOO, YOU BASTARD!! YOU'RE A COLD
PLAYA, EDWARD!! STOP SCREWING AROUND!!! SHE'S NOT LOYAL TO YOU AT ALL
IF SHE'S A PROSTITUTE, EDWARD!! EVEN RENESSMEE WOULD KNOW THAT,
S***HEAD!! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I HAVE LOVE AND RESPECT FOR A
S***HEAD!? I DIDN'T THINK SO!!
K-
TAKE THAT BACK! SPREAD WHATEVER LIES YOU MAY ABOUT ME, BUT I MUST
PROTEST ANY UNTRUE IMPLICATIONS ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND MY WIFE!
MOTHER AND FATHER AGREE WITH ME! THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PURE AND IF
YOU CANNOT SEE THAT THAN I AM SORRY TO SAY THAT YOU ARE AN
INSENSITIVE WART!
I'M TRULY SORRY! I SHOULD NOT HAVE LET MY ANGER INFLUENCE ME TO SAY
SUCH UNKIND WORDS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
M-
HOW CAN I EVER FORGIVE A MONSTER LIKE YOU, F****** SH**HEAD!!! I'M SURE
THAT'S NOT EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER! I BET IT'S MIKE'S OR JACOB'S KID SECRETLY
AND THEY DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU, BUT I SURE AS HELL WILL!! THE KID'S NOT
YOURS, A******!!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO PUT HER UP FOR ADOPTION, OR SHOULD
I?
K-
REALLY EMMETT, THERE IS NO QUESTION OF WHOSE CHILD IT IS. YOU ONLY HAVE
TO LOOK AT HER SWEET AND INNOCENT FACE TO SEE THAT IT IS EXACTLY LIKE
MINE, ONLY NOT TAINTED BY THE MONSTER WITHIN ME. AND MIKE IS NOT A
VAMPIRE. HE IS UNABLE TO PRODUCE A HALF VAMPIRE CHILD! NOR IS JACOB!
I PITY WHATEVER PROBLEMS YOU ARE HAVING AT THE MOMENT THAT CAUSE
SUCH HATEFUL WORDS TO POUR FROM YOU MOUTH. DID NO ONE EVER TELL YOU
THAT WORDS ARE WEAPONS, EMMETT?
M-
ACTUALLY, CONSIDER THE THOUGHT THAT JASPER COULD BE THE FATHER. OR
MYSELF... OR EVEN BETTER. CARLISLE!!! AH HA HA!! I TELL NOTHING BUT THE
TRUTH, MAN!! SO THESE WORDS COMING FROM MY MOUTH ARE NOT WEAPONS!!
YOU'RE JUST MENTALLY DISABLED AND HAVE PROBLEMS. DO YOU WANT ME TO
TALK SLOWER, CAUSE I CAN? ~TALKS SLOWER~ EDWARD, MY NAME EMMETT.
EMMETT THINK YOU A SH**HEAD!!!
K-
EMMETT, YOUR THOUGHTS ARE CRUEL BUT COMPLETELY FICTITIOUS! BELIEVE ME,
I KNOW!
YOUR WORDS ARE INDEED WEAPONS! THEY CUT WOUNDS INTO THE SOUL,
EMMETT! OR THEY WOULD, IF I BUT HAD ONE. BUT THEY HURT ALL THE SAME,
EMMETT!
I TOLERATE MOST OF YOU SHENANIGANS BUT I MUST PUT MY FOOT DOWN
WHERE MY FAMILY IS CONCERNED!
SPEAKING OF JASPER, WHERE IS HE? I THINK YOU ARE IN NEED OF A CHILL PILL. I
CANNOT TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE LIKE THIS! SUCH FOWL LANGUAGE I HAVE
NEVER HEARD!
M-
HE'S GETTING IT ON WITH YOUR WIFE MAN!! I'M TELLING YOU! I'VE BEEN TELLING
YOU, BUT YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A SH**HEAD TO LISTEN TO ME, BECAUSE HELL,
YOU ARE A SH**HEAD! AND YES, I DID GO THERE, B****!!!!
K-
JASPER WOULD NEVER, HE LOVES ALICE FAR TOO MUCH! IN FACT, I KNOW HE IS
NOT, BECAUSE HIS MIND REMAINS COMPLETELY INVOLVED IN TRYING NOT TO
EAT THE NEIGHBORS! AND BELLA LOVES ME TOO DEEPLY TO EVEN THINK ABOUT
BETRAYING ME IN SUCH A DESPICABLE WAY!
EMMETT, I MUST INSIST THAT YOU TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT THIS IRRATIONAL
ANGER YOU HAVE TOWARDS ME AND MY SPOUSE. IT PAINS ME TO SEE YOU SO
UPSET OVER THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE!
M-
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE NEIGHBORS, CRAPPY!!!! YOU DROVE THEM AWAY WHEN
YOU WERE ALL EMO AND SH**!!!!! STOP BEING SUCH A SOCIAL PARIAH, EDWARD,
AND GROW UP!! I THINK YOU NEED A CHILL PILL A******!!! YOU'RE SO CRABY
THAT YOU'RE LIKE 10 GIRLS PMSING AT THE SAME TIME!!
K-
REALLY EMMETT, THIS ANGER YOU ARE DISPLAYING IS CONCERNING ME! YOU
SHOULD CONSIDER TAKING UP A HOBBY. YOU COULD LEARN HOW TO KNIT, OR
DO PUZZLES. OR WE WOULD HAVE SO MUCH FUN SCRAP BOOKING TOGETHER,
WOULDN'T YOU THINK? OR YOU COULD JOIN MY BOOK CLUB. WE'RE DOING JANE
AUSTEN THIS MONTH!
M-
OR I CAN JUST KICK YOUR ASS!!! HONESTLY EDWARD-KNITTING!? WHAT ARE
YOU!? A PSYCHOTIC 40 YEAR OLD MOTHER!? POOR RENESSMEE!! SHE HAS A
PROSTITUTE MOTHER AND A 40 YEAR OLD CRAZED FATHER, I MEAN MOTHER. I'M
GOING TO GO PUT HER UP FOR ADOPTION SO I CAN SPARE HER LIFE.
K-
LEAVE MY INNOCENT CHILD OUT OF THIS! I ASSURE YOU SHE IS PERFECTLY
CONTENT WITH THE PARENTS SHE HAS! WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY LOVE EACH
OTHER MORE!
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEARN TO KNIT! I WAS JUST MAKING SOME
SUGGESTIONS!! WOULD YOU RATHER TAKE UP AN INSTRUMENT? IT CAN BE QUITE
A STRESS RELIEVER, LET ME TELL YOU. AND I BET ROSE WOULD ABSOLUTELY
LOVE IT IF YOU WROTE HER A SONG. BELLA DID!
M-
OH YEAH!! SHE'S CONTENT ALRIGHT!!! MY ASS!! SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO KILL
HERSELF!!! ONE MOTHER JUST ISN'T ENOUGH, IS IT!?
SURE EDWARD, GIVE ME YOUR PIANO!! I'LL DO WONDERS WITH IT!! WONDERS
YOU WOUDN'T BELIEVE.
AND ROSE WOULD HATE THAT. THE ONLY REASON WHY BELLA WAS SMILING WAS
THE FACT THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS AND TELL YOU THAT
YOU SUCK!! AND YOUR VOICE SUCKS TOO BY THE WAY!! IT SOUNDS LIKE DYING
TURKEY!!
K-
YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND OUR LOVE EMMETT, AS YOU HAVE NEVER
BEEN A FATHER! GOD FORBID IT! YOUR POOR CHILD WOULD BE SPEWING THE
SAME RANCID MUSIC!
THE PIANO IS A LOVELY INSTRUMENT, EMMETT! IT IS MAYBE TOO DELICATE FOR
YOU... PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE MORE SUITED TO THE GUITAR! I'M SURE ROSE
WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU SERENADED HER. IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO BE
ROMANTIC EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!
AND I'LL OVERLOOK THAT COMMENT ABOUT MY VOICE. SURELY YOU DIDN'T
MEAN IT. BELLA HAS ALWAYS SAID THAT MY VOICE IS VELVET. AND MOTHER
AGREES! YOU MUST BE JEALOUS. WE COULD TAKE VOICE LESSONS, YOU KNOW!
TOGETHER! WE WOULD HAVE SUCH FUN, EMMETT!
M-
~picks up Edward's piano and throws it at him~ HERE, LET'S GO WRITE US A SONG
EDWARD!!! I CAN BE ROMANTIC, YOU MORON! YOU JUST WOULD NEVER KNOW
CAUSE YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH BELLA, LOW LIFE!! ~stomps upstairs angrily~ AND I
WOULD TOO MAKE A GOOD FATHER!!! ~goes inside his room and slams the door~ ~screams~
SH**HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
K-
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR SAYING SUCH
CRUEL THINGS! I'M SO VERY SORRY! I AM A MONSTER!
WAIT A MINUTE... WHERE ARE MY STICKERS??
EMMETT, DID YOU STEAL THEM?
NO, THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!
IN THE JEEP, NOW!
WE'RE GOING TO GET NEW ONES AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THEM!
M-
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU, CRAZY!!! TAKE YOUR PRECIOUS BELLA!!!!
I'M STAYING OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOR NOW ON. SO JUST GO AND F*** YOUSELF!!! I
HAVE FEELINGS TOO, YOU KNOW!!
K-
IF YOU HAD FEELINGS THEN YOU WOULD KNOW NOT TO DISREGARD THE
FEELINGS OF OTHERS, EMMETT! I PAID $4.50 FOR THOSE STICKERS EMMETT, AND
YOU ARE PAYING ME BACK!
EMMETT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN DO THESE THINGS TO YOUR OWN
BROTHER!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO YOU!
M-
I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR STUPID F****** GIRLY STICKERS!!! UNLIKE YOU, I AM A MAN
AND WOULD NOT HAVE STICKERS OF BARBIE ALL OVER MY STUPID GIRLY
SCRAPBOOKS!! WHAT KIND OF A MAN USES BARBIE STICKERS AND DOES
SCRAPBOOKING AS A HOBBY!?!? EDWARD, ARE YOU GA*!?
K-
THOSE BARBIE STICKERS ARE FOR RENESME'S PAGES!!! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE
ABLE TO APPRECIATE HER LIMITED CHILDHOOD A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THAT!
SCRAPBOOKING IS THE ONLY WAY WE WILL BE ABLE TO DOCUMENT THE
HAPPINESS WE ALL SHARE AS A FAMILY!!!
NO RESPECT!!!
NONE!!!!!!!!!
M-
DUDE, SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE THOSE STICKERS!! SHE'S LIKES DORA!!! SHE
THINKS BARBIE IS TOO MUCH OF A SLUT AND I AGREE WITH HER!! YOU SHOULD
KNOW THIS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER!! YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR HER MAN!!
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES!!!
K-
OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES, I CAN READ HER MIND! SHE JUST PRETENDS
TO HATE BARBIE BECAUSE SHE THINKS YOU COULD TOLERATE DORA BETTER!
BECAUSE SHE IS A PURE, KIND, INNOCENT CHILD! WHO LOVES HER UNCLE!
M-
SHE HATES BARBIE!! SHE TOLD ME THAT BARBIE IS A SLUT, SO STOP BUYING
THOSE STICKERS EDWARD!!! AND GO BUY YOUR OWN DAMN STICKERS ANS STOP
YELLING AT ME!!!!
K-
RENESME DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THE WORD SLUT UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN YELLING
PROFANITIES NEAR HER AGAIN! DARN YOU, EMMETT, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS!
SHE'S A CHILD! A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND I DID BUY MY OWN STICKERS, EMMETT! BUT YOU STOLE THEM! HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO TEACH RENESME GOOD MORALS WHEN YOU KEEP STEALING WITH
NO CONSEQUENCES?
M-
I ALREADY TOLD HER WHAT THE WORD SLUT MEANS BECAUSE SHE WAS
WONDERING WHY HER MOMMY WAS SLEEPING AROUND WITH OTHER GUYS!!! SHE
WANTED TO KNOW, SO I TOLD HER YOU JACKASS!!! AND SO WHAT IF SHE'S A
CHILD!? YOU CAN'T PROTECT HER FOREVER!! IF YOU DO, THE REAL WORLD WILL
JUST BITE HER HARD IN THE ASS WHEN SHE GROWS UP!! DO YOU WANT THAT FOR
YOUR CHILD, EDWARD!? JEEZE, THINK MAN!!!
K-
EMMETT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? BELLA IS WITH ME ONLY, RENESME
KNOWS THAT. WE ARE A GOOD FAMILY!!! I MUST PROTECT HER AS LONG AS I CAN
FROM THE CRUELTIES OF THE WORLD, EMMETT! SHE IS TOO PRECIOUS TO KNOW
WHAT HORRORS AWAIT HER IN HER YEARS TO COME. ONE DAY SHE WILL KNOW,
BUT WHY MUST WE SPOIL HER INNOCENCE AND HAPPINESS SO SOON??? WHY
MUST YOU CORRUPT HER SO????? WHY????????????????
M-
BECAUSE WHEN SHE GETS TO THE REAL WORLD, EDWARD, SHE WILL KNOW WHAT
LIES AHEAD!! SHE WILL BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING!!! MY GOD MAN, I THOUGHT
THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT.
AND YOU AND YOUR "GOOD FAMILY" CAN GO BITE MY ASS!!! YOU GOT A
PROSTITUTE FOR A WIFE, A HALF VAMPIRE, HALF HUMAN CHILD WHO WILL
SOMEDAY FALL IN LOVE WITH A WEREWOLF IN WHICH I CAN'T EVEN IMIGINE
THEIR KIDS AND YOU!!! YOU'RE THE 40 YEAR OLD MOTHER THAT THROWS
TANTRUMS ALL THE TIME LIKE YOU'RE 5-YEARS-OLD!! YEAH, YOU GOT A GOOD
FAMILY, EDWARD!! A GOOD DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE
A PART OF!!
K-
YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG! JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND FAMILY
DYNAMICS! EMMETT MAYBE YOU SHOULD COME SPEND A DAY WITH OUR
FAMILY, JUST TO EXPERIENCE IT! OH WHAT FUN WE WOULD HAVE! WE COULD
PLAY CHARADES!
M-
TRUST ME, I UNDERSTAND YOUR "FAMILY DYNAMICS" AND IT SEEMS TO ME THAT I
WOULD RATHER SHOOT MYSELF THEN TO EVER SPEND "QUALITY TIME" WITH
YOU!!! OH OH!! I HAVE A GOOD CHARADE. READY!!! ~STICKS HIS MIDDLE FINGER
UP~ GO KISS MY ASS, EDWARD!!!
K-
WELL WE DON'T HAVE TO DO CHARADES! I JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE TO
HAVE SOME GOOD CLEAN FUN WITH YOUR NIECE AND SISTER IN LAW! WE ARE
FAMILY EMMETT! FAMILY!!!
M-
I WISH WE WEREN'T A FAMILY!! WHY WOULD I WANT A FAMILY WITH A BUNCH OF
RETAR*** LIKE YOU, HUH!? THE ONLY REASON WHY I'M STILL EVEN HERE IS
BECAUSE OF ROSE!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!! SO WHY SHOULD I SPEND
"FAMILY TIME" WITH A PERSON I WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM!? THAT'S RIGHT!! I
WENT THERE. I WOULD RATHER GOUGE MY EYES OUT THEN TO LIVE WITH YOU!!!
K-
EMMETT! HOW COULD YOU??? YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE
ANGRY! DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW YOU LOVE US. THINK OF ESME! MAYBE WE
SHOULD ALL GO CAMPING TOGETHER TO BOND AGAIN! WE COULD TELL
CAMPFIRE STORIES!
M-
I'D RATHER GET MAULED BY A BEAR AGAIN THAN TO GO CAMPING WITH YOU!!!
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME EDWARD!? WE WANTED TO MEET UP
WITH A COUPLE MORE PEOPLE TO GO CAMPING BUT YOU INSISTED THAT IT
"SHOULD BE JUST US BECAUSE WE NEVER GET TO BOND ANYMORE." AND THEN I
SAID F*** YOU AND THEN YOU GOT PISSED AT ME AND STAYED IN THE TENT WITH
BELLA AND RENESME ALL NIGHT!
K-
ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH ACTUALLY SPENDING QUALITY
TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY??
AND OF COURSE I GOT MAD YOU! WERE SWEARING IN FRONT OF MY LOVELY
SWEET RENESME! YOU'RE LUCKY SHE MANAGED TO RECUPERATE FROM SUCH
VERBAL COMBAT!
M-
BECAUSE WHENEVER I TRY TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU, I WANT TO ALWAYS SHOOT
MYSELF! LIKE RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF, OR YOU!!! AND YOU
ALWAYS MAKE A SMALL SITUATION INTO AN END OF THE WORLD KIND OF
DEAL!!!!
K-
IT'S NOT ALWAYS A SMALL SITUATION TO ME, EMMETT! YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING
MY PROBLEMS SEEM SMALL, BUT MAYBE THEY'RE ACTUALLY IMPORTANT TO ME!
DO YOU REMEMBER ALL THAT POTTERY I MADE YOU 15 YEARS AGO, AND YOU
PLAYED CATCH WITH THEM AND THEY BROKE? WHEN I TOLD YOU I WAS HURT
YOU CALLED ME SOMETHING DEGRADING....YES, I STILL REMEMBER THAT, I HAD
TO SPEND THE WEEK WITH TANYA AFTER THAT, I WAS SO HURT.
M-
LIKE A SMALL SITUATION LIKE THOSE STUPID BARBIE SLUT STICKERS!!
HONESTLY, EVERYTHING FOR YOU HAS TO BE OVER DRAMATIC BECAUSE YOU'RE
A DRAMA QUEEN!!! BE A MAN FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!! STOP ACTING LIKE A
GIRL!!! AND THAT PIECE OF S*** POTTERY WAS THE FUGLIEST THING THAT I EVER
SET MY EYES ON!! IT LOOKED LIKE A PIECE OF S***!!! LITERALLY!!! AT LEAST I
HAD FUN PLAYING WITH THEM BUT THEN YOU CAME IN AND I COULDN'T RESIST
THROWING THEM AT YOU!! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO WALK IN THE ROOM!? AND WHO
SPENDS A WEEK OVER BROKEN POTTERY!? I'M SURE YOU WERE DOING TANYA
THAT WHOLE TIME, YOU MAN WHORE!!
K-
REALLY, EMMETT, NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN TANYA AND I! I AM REALLY
INSULTED THAT YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP, THOUGH I'VE ASKED YOU TO AVOID
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION! AND IT WASN'T JUST MY POTTERY YOU'VE
DESTROYED! MY SWEATERS, MY CD'S, MY LIFE.... JUST TO NAME A FEW!
OH NO! I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT. FORGIVE ME, BROTHER! I AM A MONSTER,
I SOMETIMES HAVE TROUBLE CONTAINING THESE VILE THOUGHTS! I DESERVE TO
BE MAULED BY A THOUSAND RAVENOUS LIONS!!!
M-
I HAVE NOT DESTROYED YOUR LIFE!! YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE! JEEZE, THE ONLY
REASON WHY I LIKE TICKING YOU OFF IS TO SEE YOUR REACTION, BUT NOW
BELLA HAS COME AROUND AND MADE YOU ALL CALM AND SH**!!! AND I KNOW
WHAT YOU DID WITH TANYA!! I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!! STOP TRYING TO COVER
UP THE TRUTH EDWARD WITH LIES!!
K-
I WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOU EMMETT! YOU ARE MY BROTTTHER! I HAD HOPED
MAYBE THAT FINDING THE LOVE OF MY EXISTENCE MAY HAVE MADE YOU HAPPY
FOR ME! DON'T GO BLAMING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES ON MY ONE AND ONLY
LOVE! I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU ARE AFRAID TO APPRECIATE ME BECAUSE YOU
THINK I WILL LEAVE AGAIN!
M-
WHATEVER MAN, GO F*** YOURSELF!!! I DON'T GIVE A F*** ABOUT YOU!! MA!??
MA!?!?!? CAN YOU PLEASE TELL EDWARD TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE BEFORE I
PUNCH HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW!?
K-
MOTHER, I THINK EMMETT NEEDS SOME HELP. PERHAPS WE SHOULD CONSULT AN
OLD EPISODE OF OPRAH FOR SOME GUIDANCE AND ADVICE! THAT WONDERFUL
WOMAN KNOWS EVERYTHING!
M-
~goes and destroys all the t.v's in the house~ WHAT DID YOU SAY EDWARD, I DIDN'T HEAR
YOU!? MA, I'M GOING HUNTING!!! EDWARD, SO HELP ME GOD, IF YOU FOLLOW ME,
I WILL KILL YOU!! ~stomps angrily down the stair so hard that his foot goes through a couple of the
stairs~ IT'S TIME TO GET THE STAIRS FIXED MA!!!
K-
MOTHER, NORMALLY I DON'T MIND WHEN EMMETT GOES HUNTING ALONE BUT I
THINK YOU REALLY SHOULD FOLLOW HIM WHEN HE'S LIKE THIS! I FEAR FOR THE
TREES! AND SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T PLAY WITH HIS FOOD!
M-
GO BITE MY ASS EDWARD!! ~slams the door so hard it flies off the hinges~ WE NEED A NEW
DOOR TOO, MA!! ~takes the door and starts ripping it apart~ THIS IS YOUR HEAD,
EDWARD!!! NOW YOU WANT TO COME DOWN HERE FOR A MINUTE, EDWARD!?
K-
*not catching on to Emmett's malicious intent* IF YOU NEED ME TO OF COURSE I'LL COME,
I'LL BE DOWN IMMEDIATELY AFTER I BID MY FAMILY A FAREWELL FOR THE DAY.
YOU NEVER KNOW HOW LONG THESE HUNTING TRIPS MAY LAST, YOU KNOW. I
MAY MISS A WHOLE DAY OF MY RADIANT WIFE AND MY ADORABLE DAUGHTER!
AND PERHAPS I SHOULD BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES AND SOME CLEANING
SUPPLIES FOR THE CAR. I DO NOT WISH TO SIT IN ANIMAL FILTH ALL THE WAY
HOME. SHALL WE TAKE THE JEEP OR THE VOLVO? I THINK THE JEEP MAY BE BEST
SUITED FOR OUR TRIP. SAY, WHERE EXACTLY ARE WE GOING FOR THIS,
ANYWAYS?
M-
~comes back into the house, looks up at Edward and then throws the remains, which is a lot, of the
door at Edward as hard as he can and then stomps out of the house again~
K-
THAT DOES NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION, EMMETT! I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP,
WHICH, BY THE WAY, WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF LARGE CHUNKS OF WOOD WERE
NOT FLYING AT MY FACE!
M-
I WAS KIDDING YOU ANNOYING MORON!! I DON'T WANT TO GO HUNTING WITH
YOU!! GO HUNTING WITH YOUR "PRECIOUS" BELLA!!!! ~starts running to the forest and
starts ripping trees right out of the roots and throws the tree directly toward Edward's room~ ~the tree
crashes through Edward's window~
K-
NO RESPECT FOR MY THINGS!!! SEE MOTHER, THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
NO RESPECT! HE DOESN'T MIND EXPLODING MY POTTERY, DISMANTLING MY
ROOM... STEALING MY CLEANING SUPPLIES! SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! WE
SHOULD CALL THAT NICE DOCTOR, WHAT'S HIS NAME, DOCTOR PHIL! HE ALWAYS
KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH SUCH UNRULY BEHAVIOR!
M-
~keeps destroying trees and throwing them at Edward's room~
K-
EMMETT, GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT SO WE CAN DISCUSS THIS LIKE THE
MATURE CENTURY OLD BEINGS THAT WE ARE!
M-
I'M NOT MOVING FROM THIS SPOT UNLESS YOU PERSONALLY COME HERE AND
DRAG MY ASS BACK TOWARDS THE HOUSE!! ~keeps destroying the forest~
K-
*zips down there and grabs him so fast he doesn't have time to respond and plops him down in a chair
so that they can have a family meeting*
YOU WERE SAYING?
M-
THAT'S IT I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!! ~stands up so fast that the chair falls over and
tackles Edward to the ground and starts hitting him and messing his hair up~ NOOGIE!!! NO MORE
PERFECT HAIR NOW, EDWARD CULLEN!!
K-
NO!!! I HAD EACH STRAND PERFECTLY IN PLACE! I SUPPOSE YOU WOULDN'T
KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO ACHIEVE A PERFECT WINDSWEPT LOOK, BUT LET ME
TELL YOU, IT TOOK ME HOURS!!! HOURS, EMMETT! NOW BELLA WILL THINK I
LOOK LIKE A HOMELESS MAN! WHERE'S MY HAT???
M-
OH GREAT!!! SO NOW YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A F****** HOBO!? HERE!! ~takes
one of his hats and staples it to his head~ LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE PUT HIS
HAND ON ELECTRICITY!!! HMMM.. ~it suddenly starts lighting outside~ ~drags Edward outside
and gets close enough to when the lighting shoots down, so he takes Edward's hand and sticks it in the
electricity~ TAKE THAT, PRETTY BOY!!
K-
EMMETT, I HARDLY THINK THAT THIS IS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR SOMEONE
WHO IS ALMOST 100 YEARS OLD! YOU CAN'T BE HAVING SUCH DISPLAYS OF
IMMATURE BEHAVIOR AROUND MY LITTLE RENESME! SHE IS INCREDIBLY KIND
AND WELL BEHAVED AND I DO NOT WISH TO SEE HER INFLUENCED BY YOUR
DESPICABLE TEMPER!
M-
YEAH, BUT DUDE, YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR HAIR RIGHT NOW!! IT LIKE EXPLODED
AND LOOK! ~points to the ground~ THERE'S WHERE IT IS!! ~picks up a chunk of Edward's hair
from the ground~ DUDE, YOUR HAT GOT BLOWN UP TOO, BUT THERE'S STILL PIECES
OF IT!! YOU SHOULD SEE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!! ~starts rolling
on the ground from laughing so much~
K-
OH MY... OH MY GOD!!!
FORGIVE ME LORD FOR SAYING YOUR NAME IN VAIN. I KNOW I AM A MONSTER
AND THAT I AM DESTINED FOR A ETERNITY OF FIRE AND MISERY, IF I SHALL EVER
DIE!
BUT GOOD HEAVENS, I'M BALD!
EMMETT, MUST YOU ONLY LAUGH AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS???
NO RESPECT!
MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!
M-
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH, IF ONLY BELLA SAW
YOU!!!!!!!!! OH, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL ANYWAY, SO IT DOESN'T REALLY
MATTER!!! HA HA!! YOUR HAIR IS KIND OF ON FIRE RIGHT NOW EDWARD.. ~laughs
even harder~
K-
OH NO, WHAT WILL MY DEAR BELLA SAY TO ME WHEN SHE SEES ME? HOW WILL
SHE BRING HER SELF TO LOVE THE LOATHSOME CREATURE I AM IF SHE CANNOT
BEAR TO LOOK AT ME??? FOR SURELY SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE ME WITHOUT
RELINQUISHING IN FEAR!!
GOOD LORD, THERE IS STILL FIRE? EMMETT, IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU PUT IT
OUT THIS INSTANT! BEFORE WE ARE REDUCED TO A PILE OF ASHES!
M:
AHEM, YOU!! DO YOU SEE A FIRE ON MY HEAD!? NOW, STOP MOVING AS*WIPE
AND LET ME PUT OUT THE F****** FIRE!!! ~takes some of the slut Barbie stickers and starts
sticking them to Edward's head~ WHY AREN'T THESE STICKERS WORKING, THEY SAID
THAT THEY WEREN'T FLAMMABLE!?
K:
EMMETT, ARE YOU REALLY AS THICKHEADED AS YOU APPEAR? JUST BECAUSE
THEY AREN'T FLAMMABLE DOESN'T MAKE THEM FLAME RETARDANT!
FORGIVE MY HARSH WORDS BUT I WAS NOT INTENDING TO DIE TODAY! I KNOW I
AM BEING A SELFISH MONSTER, WISHING TO CLING TO MY LOWLY EXISTENCE,
BUT I COULD NOT BEAR IT IF I COULD NEVER AGAIN SEE MY DARLING BELLA OR
MY SWEET RENESME!
M-
DO YOU WANT ME TO SET YOUR WHOLE BODY ON FIRE, BECAUSE I WILL!!! NOW,
SHUT THE F*** UP!!! HMMM... OH, I KNOW!! STOP! DROP! AND ROLL!! TRY IT!!! IT
GETS FIRES OFF!! ~pushes Edward on the ground~ HERE, TAKE SOME OF THESE. YOU
CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE! ~sticks some more slut barbie stickers on Edward's head~ F***!!!
THERE'S NO MORE!! YOU'RE GUNNA DIE! STOP! DROP! ROLL!!!
K-
EMMETT STOP STICKING THOSE RIDICULOUS STICKERS ON MY HEAD, THEY'LL
MELT THERE!
*Manages to dunk head in the river in the back yard, and the flames go out*
AND I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T STEAL THOSE STICKERS, EMMETT! WELL JUST GOES
TO SHOW HOW MUCH I CAN TRUST YOUR HONESTY. I WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOU,
YOU KNOW!
M-
DUDE, GET OVER THE F****** STICKERS!!! YOU WERE JUST ON FIRE!! AND ROSALIE
IS IN A TREE WITH A CAM CORDER AND SHE TAPED ALL OF THIS!!! OH, NOW WE
GOTTA SHOW BELLA!!! AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO WIPE THOSE MELTED STICKERS
OFF YOUR FACE!! ~peels one of the stickers off of Edward's face that has a barbie doing
innapporpriate things~ OH, LOVELY EDWARD!! BELLA AND .0000005 MEXICAN GIRL
WILL LOVE THIS!!
K-
*Is faster than Rosalie and Emmett and is able to destroy the entire cam corder including the tape*
REALLY EMMETT, I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOUR HASTE TO INDUCE MY MISERY. AND
GETTING ROSE TO GO ALONG WITH IT! MY SHAME FOR YOU IS DEEPER THAN THE
OCEAN, EMMETT. THE OCEAN!!!
M-
OH, DON'T WORRY EDWARD!! WE HAVE MULTIPLE CAM CORDERS ALL AROUND
THE YARD. DON'T YOU WORRY. ~runs to a location that one of the cam corders were hiding~
THANKS ROSE!!! ~dashes inside the house and grabs Bella and shows her the tape~
K-
EMMETT, I BEG OF YOU, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO UNDERMINE MY HAPPY FAMILY!
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU UPSET THEM SO? WHY DO YOU DO THIS EMMETT? ARE
YOU JEALOUS OF ALL THE ATTENTION I GIVE THEM? WE COULD ALWAYS GO ON A
VACATION, JUST US TWO. I'VE HEARD THE ALPS ARE LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR!
BELLA, MY LOVE, I HOPE THAT MY BALDNESS IN NO WAY WILL INTERFERE WITH
OUR LOVE! MY HIDEOUSNESS IS IN NO WAY A REFLECTION OF MY FEELINGS FOR
YOU!
M-
WHAT, SO YOU COULD SEDUCE ME!? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO IN THE ALPS!?
WAIT- DON'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION!!! HONESTLY EDWARD, I WAS TRYING TO
GET A LITTLE HUMOR OUT OF YOU, BUT YOU'RE OBOUSIVELY TOO MUCH OF A
GIRL TO HANDLE A LITTLE F****** FUN!!! NO WONDER YOU'RE SO BORING!!!
K-
NO, I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG THE LINES OF HIKING AND HUNTING! AND WE
COULD ALWAYS PLAY CATCH WITH THE FOOTBALL! DEAR ME, EMMETT, WHY
WOULD I EVER TRY TO SEDUCE MY OWN BROTHER? AND WHEN I AM SO
BLISSFULLY MARRIED TO MY ONE TRUE LOVE? PLUS IT IS COLD ENOUGH IN THE
ALPS FOR ME TO WEAR A HAT WITHOUT LOOKING UTTERLY RIDICULOUS OR EVEN
REMOTELY HOBO LIKE! BUT IF YOU'D RATHER WE COULD GO SOMEWHERE OF
YOUR CHOOSING!
M-
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH A SEDUCING HOBO!!! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY ABOUT THE ALPS. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ALPS, STAYS IN THE ALPS!! AND
YOU WOULD PROBABLY DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD PISS ME OFF AND THEN
YOU'LL START GOING INTO YOUR F****** HISSY FITS, AS ALWAYS BECAUSE
YOU'RE PERMANENTLY PMSING TEENAGE GIRL!!!
K-
EMMETT, ALL I EVER TRY TO DO IS BE NICE TO YOU! I DO YOUR LAUNDRY! I CLEAN
YOUR CAR! IF YOU WOULD STOP ANTAGONIZING ME FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS,
PERHAPS I WOULDN'T NEED TO GET ANGRY! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE
ALPS, THEN FINE! I'VE HEARD NOTHING BUT LOVELY THINGS ABOUT AUSTRALIA!
AND WE COULD LEARN TO PLAY RUGBY AND SPEAK WITH FUNNY ACCENTS!
M-
FIRST OFF, I NEVER ASKED YOU TO DO MY LAUNDRY AND CLEAN MY CAR!!! YOU
DID THAT ON YOUR OWN BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A LIFE!!! AND STAY OUT OF
MY CAR!! YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE... HOW ABOUT THIS. YOU
GO TO AUSTRALIA AND NEVER COME BACK!! OH, WOULDN'T THAT JUST BE SO
MUCH FUN!! WE'D GET SOME PEACE AROUND HERE WITHOUT YOUR NAGGING
ASS!!
K-
WELL THE LAUNDRY AND YOUR CAR WEREN'T GOING TO CLEAN THEMSELVES,
EMMETT! YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH GRIME AND FILTH GETS BETWEEN
THE SEATS, EMMETT! WHAT IF I NEEDED TO USE THAT CAR TO GET BELLA OR
RENESME TO SAFETY??? THEY WOULD BE INFECTED BY THE SWARMS OF
BACTERIA IN THE BACKSEAT! OH, WHAT SHE WOULD THINK OF US IF SHE EVER
SAW THE STATE OF THAT CAR WHEN I DIDN'T CLEAN IT!
M-
HOW WOULD BELLA GET INFECTED!? SHE'S A F****** STRONG NEWBORN, YOU
JACK***!!! AND HONESTLY, NOTHING EVER HAPPENS AROUND HERE, SO WHY
WOULD THEY NEED MY CAR!?!? AND YOU ASK BEFORE YOU STEAL MY CAR,
EDWARD!! GOD DAMNIT!! AND YOU THINK STEALING STICKERS IS A BIG ISSUE!!
THAT'S MY F****** CAR!! THINK MAN!!! IT'S MINE!!
K-
WELL SHE WASN'T ALWAYS AS STRONG AS SHE IS NOW, EMMETT! SHE WAS A
DELICATE FLOWER! SHE NEEDED A CLEAN AND SAFE ENVIRONMENT! THESE
PROTECTIVE INSTINCTS DIE HARD, YOU KNOW!
AND I NEVER SAID I WOULD TAKE THE JEEP WITHOUT ASKING! HONESTLY,
EMMETT, DO YOU THINK THAT I AM A HEATHEN?
M-
OF COURSE I THINK YOU'RE A F****** "HEATHEN!!" YOU STOLE MY CAR, YOU
B****!!!! HOW COULD YOU EDWARD!! I MEAN, HONESTLY. I WOULD THINK THAT
YOU OUT OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME BEFORE STEALING, BUT NO! YOU JUST
HAD TO GO AND STEAL MY JEEP!!! WELL, NOW YOUR "DELICATE FLOWER" IS A
THORNY ROSE!! SHE DOESN'T NEED PROTECTION!!!!! (couldn't help myself.. ~cough~ and
knowing emmett, he obousively took it in a wrong way..) SHE DID WHEN SHE WAS A HUMAN,
BECAUSE YOU JUST COULDN'T WAIT!!! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!! ~slaps him on the side of the
head~
K-
FOR THE LAST TIME EMMETT, I DID NOT STEAL YOUR CAR! I HAVE FAR TOO MUCH
RESPECT FOR YOU TO TAKE YOUR THINGS WITHOUT PERMISSION, UNLIKE SOME
OTHERS I KNOW!
AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, KEEP YOUR DEROGATORY THOUGHTS
TO YOURSELF, PLEASE! YOUR LACK OF RESPECT FOR ME IS, QUITE FRANKLY,
INSULTING!
M-
WHATEVER MAN!! I'M PLAYING A F****** VIDEO GAME!!! AND NO, YOU CAN'T
PLAY SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!! ~starts the x-box 360 and waits for it to load~ OH
COME ON YOU F****** GAME!!! LOAD FASTER MOTHER F*****!!!!! ~keeps waiting~
YOU F****** F*****!!! I HATE YOU, YOU F****** B****!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE
SUCH A F****** B****, B****!?
K-
EMMETT, I MUST ASK YOU NOT TO SHOUT PROFANITIES AT THE TOP OF YOUR
LUNGS. REALLY, I AM CONCERNED THAT VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES INVOKE THIS
SORT OF BEHAVIOR IN YOU. NO, I DO NOT THINK IT IS COOL TO SHOOT ALIENS! I
REALLY DO NOT THINK THIS IS THE TYPE OF GAME YOU SHOULD BE PLAYING! IF
YOU MUST INSIST ON PLAYING THOSE WRETCHED VIDEO GAMES, THERE IS A
RATHER DELIGHTFUL GAME THAT I KNOW OF CALLED MARIO! THAT PRINCESS
PEACH IS SIMPLY ADORABLE!
M-
YEAH, BUT HOT GIRLS DON'T BRING OUT THEIR TA-TA'S IN MARIO, NOW DO THEY!?
BLOW ME, EDWARD!!! GET OUT OF MY F****** SPOT EDWARD!!! YOU KNOW THAT
IS MY SPOT!!! IT SAYS MY NAME ON IT!! THAT IS MY F****** SPOT, YOU
MAN*****!!!!!!
K-
REALLY, EMMETT, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT 'SPOT' YOU ARE REFERRING TO! AND I DO
NOT SEE YOUR NAME ON THIS CHAIR! I BELIEVE THAT FATHER PURCHASED THIS
CHAIR FOR ALL OF US, EMMETT! TO SHARE! MAYBE SHARING IS A VIRTUE YOU
NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE EDUCATED ON! YES, I AM IMPLYING THAT YOU CAN
BE SELFISH! IT PAINS ME TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT YOU. BUT SHARING IS CARING,
EMMETT!
M-
GET OUT OF MY F****** SPOT MAN OR I WILL COME OVER THERE AND BEAT THE
LIVING S*** OUT OF YOU!! GET YOUR A** OUT OF THAT CHAIR TO LOOK, EDWARD.
ARE YOU LAZY!? I WILL THROW YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW AND MAKE YOU GO
SAILING TOWARDS CHARLIE'S HOUSE. DON'T THINK I WON'T, EDWARD!! STOP
LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT B****!! WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?
K-
WHY MUST I MOVE FROM WHERE I AM SITTING WHEN IT IS NOT EVEN NECESSARY
FOR OUR KIND TO SIT IN THE FIRST PLACE? I WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY SITTING
HERE READING ROMEO AND JULIET! I OFTEN READ IT BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF
MY PRECIOUS BELLA.
M-
GET THE F*** UP!!! EDWARD, HONESTLY, NO CHICK IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD
EVER LAY YOU IF YOU WERE READING THAT BULL****!!! I CAN'T SEE WHY BELLA
WOULD EVER DO YOU!!! I BET DOING HER WOULD BE JUST AS BORING AS READING
THAT F****** BOOK!!!
K-
THIS BOOK IS A CLASSIC, EMMETT! A CLASSIC!!! IF YOU THINK IT IS BORING YOU
MUST BE DEVOID OF ALL EMOTIONS! THIS BOOK IS VERY TOUCHING, EMMETT!
THEIR LOVE IS EVERLASTING! IT'S SO SWEET! IF ONLY THEY HAD NOT KILLED
THEMSELVES. IT REMINDS ME OF THAT MOST HORRIBLE TIME WHEN I THOUGHT
BELLA WAS DEAD. I SHALL NEVER BE SO HASTY IN MY ASSUMPTIONS AGAIN! I AM
SUCH A MONSTER!
M-
I'M SURE YOU ARE BELLA WERE GETTING IT ON WHILE YOU WERE READING IT!!
"OH, HOLD ON, LET ME FINISH THIS PAGE!" AND BELLA WOULD BE PISSED AT YOU
BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO HER AND SHE WOULD BE
LIKE "FORGET IT!!" AND YOU'D BE LIKE "I'M DONE WITH THIS PAGE!! PLEASE DON'T
HATE ME BELLA, MY ONE TRUE LOVE!! I KNOW I AM A MONSTER AND I CAN SEE
WHY YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO DO ME!!!"
GODDAMNIT, THIS STUPID F****** PICE OF S*** WON'T WORK. STOP GIVING ME
THOSE LOOKS EDWARD!! WHY ARE YOU F****** STARING AT ME!? I KNOW YOU
WANT TO DO ME AND S***, BUT I AM HAPPILY MARRIED AND INTO GIRLS. NO I
WILL NOT "CONVERT" MY SEXUALITY. I CHOOSE TO LIKE GIRLS. I CHOOSE NOT TO
BE GAY, EDWARD!!
K-
YOU KNOW I DO NOT WISH TO TALK OF MY LOVE FOR BELLA WITH YOU, EMMETT!
IT IS PERSONAL AND I WOULD NEVER EXPLOIT BELLA BY TELLING YOU THESE
THINGS! PLEASE CALM DOWN! AND I ASSURE YOU THAT I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU
TO BE GAY! ALTHOUGH I PROMISE IF YOU WERE I WOULD BE WILLING TO ACCEPT
YOU REGARDLESS! BUT I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE, FOR I BELIEVE DESPITE YOUR
DESPICABLE BEHAVIOR YOU LOVE ROSE VERY MUCH!
M-
I WAS SAYING THAT YOU MAY BE GAY, A******!!! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I
COULD EVER BE GAY!?!? I HAVE TOO MUCH FUN SCREWING FEMALES. OH WAIT,
LIKE YOU WOULD KNOW BECAUSE YOU AND BELLA PROBABLY DO IT ONCE
EVERY 5 MONTHS. WOW. SHE'LL GET BORED OF YOU EDWARD. AND THEN MOVE
ON!!
K-
BELLA AND I SHARE A VERY INTENSE EMOTIONAL LOVE, IF YOU MUST KNOW! WE
WILL LOVE EACH OTHER FOR THE REST OF OUR ENDLESS EXISTENCES! SHE IS ALL
THAT GIVES ME JOY IN THIS WORLD, WITH PERHAPS THE ACCEPTANCE OF MY
DAUGHTER! I DO NOT DESERVE EITHER OF THEM, FOR THEY ARE FAR TOO GOOD
FOR A HORRIBLE MONSTER LIKE MYSELF! BUT I LOVE THEM SO!
M-
OH, SHUT THE F*** UP AND GO KILL YOURSELF!!! HONESTLY, IF YOU WERE A REAL
MAN, WHICH YOU'RE NOT, YOU'D BE TELLING ME ALL THESE GRAPHIC DETAILS!!
BUT YOU DON'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY!! WHAT THE F*** IS WITH THIS X-BOX!? I'M
GOING TO THE STORE TO GET A NEW ONE. AND GET BEER!! WE'RE RUNNING LOW
ON BEER!!! MAN, I LOVE THAT STUFF.
K-
REAL MEN HAVE RESPECT FOR THEIR WIVES, EMMETT!
YOU HAVE NO RESPECT!
NONE!!!!!!
EMMETT, OF ALL THE DRINKS YOU COULD HAVE, WHY MUST YOU DRINK THAT
VILE STUFF?? IT SMELLS LIKE A VOMIT EMMETT! VOMIT!!!
EMMETT, ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE FATHER TO LOOK AT IT BEFORE
YOU DECIDE TO SPEND MONEY ON A NEW ONE? IF WE THROW THIS AWAY WHILE
IT IS STILL REPAIRABLE THEN IT WILL SIT IN A LANDFILL FOR GOD KNOWS HOW
LONG. THINK OF THE ENVIRONMENT, EMMETT!
M-
OH TRUST ME, I HAVE RESPECT FOR ROSE. I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR HER.
AND THAT STUFF IS F****** DELICIOUS, OKAY!? JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
STOMACH IT BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY!!
~ends up ripping it apart and throwing it out the window~ OH LOOK!! PROBLEM SOLVED!!
BETTER GO GET A NEW ONE.
K-
MY SEXUAL PREFERENCE HAS NOTHING TO DO FOR MY INTOLERANCE FOR
HUMAN DRINKS AND FOOD! AND I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM INDEED
STRAIGHT! I AM VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY WIFE, THANK YOU.
EMMETT, I AM DEEPLY ASHAMED THAT YOU HAVE BECOME SO WASTEFUL!
THOUGH WE DO NOT DEPEND ON THE EARTH TO LIVE WE HAVE A MORAL
OBLIGATION TO TAKE CARE OF IT'S SPLENDORS! WHICH REMINDS ME, SINCE YOU
INSIST ON DRINKING THAT
DISGUSTING BEER I HAVE PURCHASED RECYCLING BINS FOR YOU TO DEPOSIT THE
BOTTLES! KINDLY DON'T LEAVE THEM ON THE COFFEE TABLE ANYMORE, IT
LEAVES THE MOST UNSIGHTLY RINGS FOR ME TO CLEAN UP!
M-
YOU ARE TOO GAY!!THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING TO THE FACT THAT YOU ARE.
COME OUT OF YOUR LITTLE SHELL EDWARD. IT'S OKAY. I WILL LAUGH AT YOU
FOR BEING GAY, BUT YOU'RE MY MAN WHORE!! MAN WHORE'S FOR LIFE, HOMIE.
AND MAN WHORES LET OTHER MAN WHORES LET THEM GET F***** UP AND
WASTED OUTTA THEIR MINDS. YES EDWARD, I KNOW I HAVE ALL THOSE EMPTY
KEGS ON THE LAWN. WELL, IT COULD BE A "HOBBY" OF MINE TO COLLECT EMPTY
BEER KEGS. BY THE WAY, THE DELIVERY TRUCK SHOULD BE HERE AT ANY
MOMENT TO DROP OFF SOME MORE. DUDE, LET'S GET WASTED!!!!!
K-
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN COMPLETELY OPEN AND HONEST WITH YOU, EMMETT! IF I
WERE INDEED GAY, THAN I WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM TELLING YOU. NOR COULD
I EVER LIE TO MY POOR BELLA. SHE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD FOR ME TO BE A
LIAR AND A MURDEROUS MONSTER AT THE SAME TIME! AND I DO NOT
APPRECIATE YOU CALLING ME A MAN WHORE, EMMETT.
EMMETT, YOU ARE MY BROTHER AND FOR THIS REASON I CANNOT LET YOU
DRINK ANY MORE BEER. IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT! I CAN'T STAND TO SEE YOU, OR EVEN
WORSE, YOUR MIND, WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK!
BUT YOU ARE RIGHT, COLLECTING THINGS MAKES A WONDERFUL HOBBY! BUT
INSTEAD, WE COULD COLLECT MORE CIVIL THINGS, LIKE COINS OR STAMPS! OR
MAGNETS!
M-
DUDE, YOU ARE SO F****** GAY!!!! NOBODY COLLECTS STAMPS UNLESS THEY'RE
GAY, AND YOU ARE "INNDEED" GAY!!! LET'S BE HONEST, EDWARD!!! HONESTY IS
IMPORTANT IN LIFE, AND YOU NO BEING HONEST REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS.
ALRIGHT, TIME TO GO DRINK SOME BEER!!!
(he would basically down a keg in like.0000000000000000005 seconds)
MMMMMMHHMMM. THAT WAS DELECIOUS!!! BE A MAN, EDWARD!! C'MON, WE
NEED TO BOND MORE. WHY DON'T WE BOND BY DRINKING BEER AND GETTING
WASTED!! OR WE COULD PLAY BEER PONG!!! ROSE AND I PLAY ALL THE TIME, BUT
INSTEAD OF USING BEER, WE USE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, BUT I'M NOT INTO YOU
MAN, SO I WON'T STRIP FOR YOU. I ONLY DO THAT WITH BABES EDWARD. SORRY.
MAYBE IF YOU WERE A F****** HOT CHICK I WOULD, BUT OTHERWISE NO.
K-
I PROMISE EMMETT, I HAVE NEVER LIED TO YOU! AND I REALLY DON'T THINK
THAT YOU SHOULD DRINK THAT! IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! AND YOU KNOW I
WOULD LOVE TO BOND WITH YOU, BUT I THINK YOU MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN
THAT EVERY BIT OF FOOD OR DRINK THAT IS MEANT TO BE CONSUMED BY
HUMANS IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DIGEST! WE COULD PLAY REGULAR PING
PONG THOUGH! OH, HOW WONDERFUL! WE COULD BE JUST LIKE THOSE MEN IN
FOREST GUMP!
BUT I CANNOT CONDONE YOUR BEER DRINKING BEHAVIOR!
M-
HA HA HA HA!! YOU'RE SILLY!! ~is obviously drunk~ OH EDWARD! ~hits hit hard in the face~
YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE KIDDER!! I LOVE YOU MAN!! YOU'RE MY HOME BOY!!
~stumbles all over the place~ MAYBE ROSE WILL PLAY WITH ME!! ~stumbles some more~
ROSE!? ROSE!?!?!?!? WE'RE PLAYING STRIP YOSELF PING-PONG!! ~starting undoing his
belt and stumbles and falls to the ground~ OH, I'M GOING TO HAVE A BAD HANGOVER IN
THE MORNING. I CAN ALREADY FEEL IT. EDWARD, YOU'RE SUCH A F****** GOOD
BOY!! DON'T DRINK!! IT'S BAD FOR YOU!! BE ABOVE THE INFLUENCE!
K-
EMMETT, WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?? OH DEAR...
I'LL MAKE YOU SOME COFFEE BUT I DOUBT IT'LL HELP. SEE WHAT YOU DO TO
YOURSELF??? AND YOU CAN'T EVEN SLEEP IT OFF! PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GO LIE
DOWN ANYWAYS. ROSALIE WILL BRING YOU THE COFFEE WHEN IT'S DONE. IT
KILLS HER TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW! NOW, KINDLY PUT YOUR PANTS
BACK ON AND PLEASE GO UPSTAIRS.
*mumbles about scrubbing rings off the coffee table and the uselessness/evils of drinking*
M-
~gets up~HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!! YOU'RE SILLY. YOU'RE SILLY EDDIE!!! YOU SILIEST
SILLY BOY. GIVE ME A HUG!! EDWARD, DAMNIT, GIVE ME A HUG! I AM YOUR
BROTHER AND I WANT A HUG!! GET YOUR F****** A** BACK HERE AND GIVE ME A
HUG!! ~stumbles and knocks over Edward with him~ I COULD USE A NAP. ~snuggles into
Edward~ YOU'RE COMFY.
K-
EMMETT YOU PRAT YOU CAN'T SLEEP! NOW I'M TRYING TO BE HELPFUL AND
MAKE YOU COFFEE BUT I CAN'T DO THAT WHEN YOU'RE KNOCKING ME OVER!
PLEASE GO UPSTAIRS AND LIE DOWN FOR A FEW HOURS. IF YOU WISH I WILL GIVE
YOU YOUR HUG WHEN YOU ARE SOBER.
M-
NO!! ME DON'T WANT TO HUG YOU WHEN I SOBER. ME WANT HUG NOW YOU
B****!!! NO, I JUST KIDDING. I LOVE YOU. YOU MY FAVORITE BROTHER. WE
HOMIES. WE TIGHT. AND HOMIES GIVE HOMIES HUGS!! GIVE ME HUG DAMNIT!! MY
FAVOTIE BROTHER GIVE ME HUG!!
K-
ALRIGHT, FINE, BUT AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE TO GO UPSTAIRS RIGHT AFTER,
OKAY? AND PLEASE DON'T BREATHE WHEN YOU DO EITHER. YOU SMELL
DISGUSTING AFTER YOU DRINK, EMMETT!
M-
I THINK I SMELL LIKE ROSES, EDWARD!! ROSES!! AND I DON'T WANT A HUG FROM
YOU ANYMORE!! YOU SUCK!! ~gets off him and wobbles to the front door and leaves~ I
SMELL FINE!!!! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SMELLS LIKE HORSE****!!! ~goes to the forest
and starts climbing trees and falls out and lands on the ground~ AGAIN!! ~starts climbing another
tree~
K-
EMMETT, GET DOWN HERE BEFORE YOU BREAK THE ENVIRONMENT! HOW MANY
TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT THE EARTH IS PRECIOUS? WE MUST MAINTAIN IT,
NOT DESTROY IT!
M-
WOAH! NO WAY MISTER!! NO COMPRENDE TU! WELL, I COULD GIVE A RAT'S A**
ABOUT OUR ENVIROMENT!! IT'S ALL GOING TO HELL ANYWAY, INCLUDING ME!!
SO MIGHT AS WELL. THINK OF IT AS GETTING THE JOB DONE FASTER!! ~slips and
grabs onto the tree but then ends up ripping it apart by trying to no fall to the ground, but he does
anyway and so does the tree and it lands on him~ OW, I'M GUNNA NEED A FIRST AID.
PRONTO! MA!!!!!!! MA!?!?!? WHERE THE HELL IS SHE!? ~sees a dead bunny~ OH, S***!!
WELL, AT LEAST I HAVE DINNER NOW!! EDWARD, YOU WANT SOME?
K-
EMMETT, HOW COULD YOU??? THAT WAS GOING TO BE OUR CHRISTMAS TREE!
AND NO, I DO NOT WANT TO EAT THAT POOR BUNNY! I HUNTED 2 DAYS AGO,
REMEMBER?
M-
WELL, HERE THEN!!! ~picks up the tree and throws it at him~ AND THIS BUNNY IS MINE!!
~runs off with the bunny~ ~a couple of minutes later, all you can hear is emmett screaming~ NO
JASPER!!! IT'S MY DEAD BUNNY!! THIS IS RIGHTFULLY MINE, DAMNIT!! NO!! STOP
IT!!!! DON'T!!! NO I DON'T WANT JUST THE HEAD!! I WANT THE WHOLE F******
THING, DAMNIT!!!
K-
*catches tree and gently places it on the ground* EMMETT, LOOK AT THIS! WE CAN'T USE
THIS TREE NOW, EMMETT. IT IS RUINED! RUINED!!! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO
ME?
M-
NO JASPER!!!! I DON'T WANT THE HEAD!!! GIMMIE THE BODY DAMNIT!! I'M NOT
KIDDING!! THERE'S THOUSANDS OF BUNNIES RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND
BY TOMORROW THEY'LL GET
IT ON AND HAVE MORE!!! SO LET GO OF THIS ONE!!! JASPER!! I MEAN IT!!!
NOOOOO!! BUNNYYYYYYY!!! ~all you see is Emmett flying in the air, coming toward the house~
HE PUNCHED ME!! HE F****** PUNCHED ME!! YOU OWE ME A F****** BUNNY,
JASPER!!! THAT WAS MY LUNCH!!! I WAS HUNGRY!!!
K-
EMMETT, WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME??? WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO ME I
GIVE YOU MY COMPLETE ATTENTION, EMMETT! THE LEAST YOU CAN DO FOR ME
IS GIVE ME YOURS! THE VERY LEAST! WHY DO YOU HAVE SO LITTLE RESPECT FOR
ME, EMMETT? WHY?? HAVE I TREATED YOU POORLY? HAVE I DONE SOMETHING
REPREHENSIBLE? BESIDES BEING A MONSTER?
M-
~grabs him by the throat and lifts him up by one hand~ DO YOU KNOW WHY!? BECAUSE THAT
F***ING F***ER JUST STOLE MY BUNNY AND LEFT ME JUST THE HEAD!! ~lifts the
bunny's head with his other hand~ THAT'S WHY I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU RIGHT NOW!!
I'M A LITTLE HUNGRY EDWARD AND CRANKY BECAUSE HE STOLE MY FOOD WHEN
THEY'RE THOUSANDS OF OTHER CREATURES AROUND THAT HE COULD EAT.
COMPRENDE!?
K-
EMMETT, YOUR BEHAVIOR IS ABSURD! JASPER WAS JUST PLAYING AROUND,
EMMETT. PERHAPS YOU COULD GO GET ANOTHER BUNNY THAT YOU CLAIM THE
FOREST IS SO ABUNDANT OF? OR MAYBE YOU
COULD ASK JASPER NICELY TO GIVE YOURS BACK! BUT MUST YOU WAVE THAT IN
MY FACE?
EMMETT, PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT! I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO FEEL LIKE I AM
DEALING WITH THE MIND OF A THREE YEAR OLD!
M-
NO!! I WANTED THAT BUNNY!! I HAD A F****** GOOD FEELING THAT THAT WOULD
BE THE MOST DELICIOUS BUNNY EVER AND NOW IT'S GONE!! ~throws him across the
room, making him slam into a wall then storms out~ ~a couple of minutes later, he comes back with a
bloody mouth and wipes the blood on Edward's shirt~ THERE! JASPER'S TAKEN CARE OF. HE
REALLY HIT THE SPOT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!
K-
EMMETT, HOW COULD YOU? THAT SHIRT WAS EXPENSIVE AND MADE OUT OF
ENTIRELY RECYCLED MATERIALS! IT WAS ONE OF A KIND EMMETT! AND IT WAS
MY FAVORITE! NO RESPECT FOR MY THINGS. NONE!
MOTHER!
I HATE TO TATTLE BUT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!
M-
THEN HERE!!! ~rips off Edward's shirt and keeps wiping his mouth~ THERE'S NOTHING YOU
CAN DO WITH IT NOW, SO I MIGHT AS WELL KEEP CLEANING MY MOUTH WITH IT,
Y'KNOW? SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE A SLOB FOR MY ROSE. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU
WANT IT BACK?
AND THEN YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A REAL HOBO, WITH YOUR HAIR AND ALL!!
K-
EMMETT, I DEMAND YOU GO GET ME A NEW SHIRT AT ONCE! ACTUALLY, NOW
THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, ALICE HAS BEEN DYING TO GO SHOPPING FOR SOME TIME
NOW. WE COULD ALL GO TOGETHER, EMMETT! YOU COULD PICK UP A NICE
OUTFIT TO TAKE ROSALIE OUT IN! OH, WHAT FUN! I SHALL GO GRAB THE KEYS TO
THE VOLVO. CAN YOU GET ALICE FOR ME?
M-
ABSOLUTELY NOT! I AM NOT GOING, AND THAT IS FINAL!!! ~5 minutes later~ I CAN'T
BELIEVE I'M STUCK WITH YOU F****** GIRLS TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!! WE
DON'T EVEN CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS! WHY DO WE NEED ALL THIS S*** ANYWAY!?
K-
WE DO TOO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS! ESPECIALLY NOW THAT RENESME IS HERE!
CHRISTMAS IS A JOYOUS TIME OF WONDER AND MAGIC FOR CHILDREN! AND
EVEN WE CAN LEARN SOMETHING FROM THE CARING AND JOY THAT CHRISTMAS
INSPIRES AMONG THE PEOPLE WHO CELEBRATE IT! CHRISTMAS IS A LOVELY
HOLIDAY, EMMETT!
M-
FINE!! SANTA DOESN'T EXIST. ALL PARENTS DO IS EAT THE COOKIES AND MILK
THAT THE LITTLE KIDS LEAVE OUT FOR HIM!!
BUT YOU'LL JUST END UP PROBABLY DITCHING THE COOKIES AND MILK
SOMEWHERE! AND AS FOR THE PRESENTS!! LITTLE KIDS
WANT ALL THESE TOYS, BUT DO THEY REALLY NEED THEM!? NO!!!! PARENTS JUST
SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS SO THE KID WILL USE FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT
THEN END UP THROWING THEM AWAY. YEAH, CHRISTMAS ROCKS!!!!
K-
CHRISTMAS IS NOT ABOUT TOYS AND COOKIES, EMMETT! IT IS ABOUT THE BIRTH
OF OUR LORD! JESUS DIED FOR MONSTERS LIKE MYSELF! RENESME
UNDERSTANDS THIS! HOWEVER, IT IS NICE AS A PARENT TO INDULGE OUR
CHILDREN JUST A LITTLE BIT ON SUCH A SPECIAL OCCASION! GIVING GIFTS TO
OTHERS IS A KIND AND SELFLESS ACT, EMMETT! AND DID YOU SEE RENESME'S
FACE WHEN WE GOT HER THAT LOCKET LAST YEAR? IT IS A SYMBOL OF HER
MOTHER'S LOVE FOR HER EMMETT, AND IT MEANS THE WORLD TO HER! THEIR
HAPPINESS IS ALL I CONTINUE TO EXIST FOR!
M-
WE DON'T EVEN PRAISE THE LORD!!! YOU'RE RIGHT!!! WE ARE MONSTERS!! AND AS
MONSTERS, WE SHOULDN'T BE CELEBRATING A DAY LIKE CHRISTMAS!!! AND HELL
NO, I'M NOT SPENDING A PENNY ON YOUR A** TO GET YOU A NICE PRESENT!!
YOU ALWAYS ARE YELLING AT ME AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE S***!! WHY
SHOULD I EVER GET A F****** PRESENT FOR YOUR F****** ASS!? YOU'VE BEEN
NAUGHTY THIS YEAR, EDWARD!!! YOU GET COAL!! "SANTA'S" GIVING YOU COAL
FOR CHRISTMAS!!
K-
MAYBE YOU DON'T, EMMETT, BUT I CERTAINLY DO! JUST BECAUSE I'M SURE THAT I
AM DOOMED TO SPEND MY AFTERLIFE IN A FIERY DUNGEON IN HELL DOESN'T
MEAN THAT I NO LONGER HAVE FAITH IN MY LORD! AND IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO
GET ME A GIFT THIS YEAR, THEN OF COURSE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO! I WOULD
HATE IF ANYONE FELT AS IF THEY MUST GIVE ME A GIFT! THAT IS NOT THE POINT!
IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF YOUR HEART. AND THOUGH WE
HAVE BEATING HEARTS NO LONGER, PERHAPS THERE IS ENOUGH DECENCY LEFT
IN US THAT WE CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE!
M-
YOU KNOW WHAT, SHUT THE F*** UP, HOW ABOUT THAT!? ~they get to the mall and start
shopping around, well, except for Emmett, who is knocking over shelves of stuff~ OH MAN, DO I
LOVEEEEEEEE CHRISTMAS!!! ~knocks over another shelf~ JUST SO MUCH FUN!!!! ~rips a
teddy bear in half~ FUN FUN FUN!!!!!
K-
EMMETT, PLEASE RESTRAIN YOURSELF, THOSE SECURITY GUARDS WILL TAKE YOU
IN AND THAT'LL BE A RIGHT MESS FOR FATHER TO CLEAN UP! AND AFTER A LONG
DAY AT WORK HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO COME HOME AND ENJOY A PEACEFUL
EVENING WITH HIS WIFE!
HERE, I NEED TO GO INTO THIS BOOKSTORE, I WISH TO PICK UP A COPY OF
'BEEDLE THE BARD'. OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT! THAT JOE ROWLING IS A
WONDERFULLY TALENTED WOMAN! AND I ALSO
WISH TO PURCHASE A CHRISTMAS STORY FOR MY DAUGHTER, FOR LAST YEAR WE
DID NOT HAVE MUCH TIME FOR THE FESTIVITIES OF CHRISTMAS AND I WISH TO
DO THIS PROPERLY FOR HER!
[THIS IS WHERE WE STARTED BRINGING OTHER CHARACTERS IN! JUST AS A
REMINDER, M DOES EMMETT, ALICE, JASPER, CARLISLE, AND SMALL
CHARACTERS LIKE SANTA, MIKE, AND VIOLET. K DOES EDWARD, ROSALIE,
ESME, BELLA, AND RENESME. ]
M-
CALL ME WHEN YOU STOP BEING SO GAY EDWARD!!! ~walks out of the store~
ALICE: Wow. Somebody has a stick up their a**!!
EMMETT: ~yells~ I heard that Alice!!
ALICE: Come, Edward. Let's try to find you a nice outfit. The security guards are looking at you oddly
because you have no shirt. I'm wondering why you don't have one either. Do I want to know?
K-
*sigh* It's a long story *nods head back at Emmett*. I left in such haste that I forgot to put a new one
on... I feel so exposed!
M-
ALICE: ~takes off her sweater~ Here. ~hands it to Edward~
EMMETT: ~comes running back and pulls out his phone and starts taking pictures of Edward with
Alice's sweater~ OH, THESE ARE SOOOO GOING ON THE COMPUTER!!! I WONDER HOW
MANY DIRTY THINGS I CAN DO WITH THIS PHOTO!! OH, FAN GIRLS WILL REALLY
ATTACK YOU FOR LIFE!!!
K-
EMMETT, KINDLY DO NOT TAKE PICTURES OF ME WHEN I AM IN THIS
VULNERABLE STATE!
Thanks, Alice, but I do not wish to stretch your sweater out. I can endure this until I get a new shirt of
my own. And... *throws Alice puzzled look* What's a fan girl?
M-
ALICE: I'm really not sure..
EMMETT: ~keeps taking pictures of Edward then leaves~
ALICE: ~stares off intently into space for a moment~ OH NO!!! EMMETT!!! WE HAVE TO GO,
EDWARD!!!!
K-
BUT ALICE, WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY SHIRT YET!
*reads Alice's mind*
OH DEAR! THAT IS MOST DISCONCERTING! YES, WE MUST GO!
Hey Guys! I hope you enjoyed section one! I know the beginning is a little hard to follow but it should be much easier here on out. We also have a website, which has some really cool stuff, including pictures and whatnot. And there is also a neat section that explains most of the characters, since most of the characters are so different from the book (and as you read on, a few characters that weren't in the book at all). Check it out at http://twistedtwilight .webs .com/
Enjoy!
