Eddy lit a cigarette calmly, watching the footage below him casually. It was another prison riot, this time caused by Level 1 through 3 prisoners. Most of them were fairly strong and able to kill a good majority of guards, but not that strong. It lasted barely an hour before one elite guard completely obliterated them all, reducing the total population by 75%.
"How dull," he grunted taking another hit. "Honestly, can't something interesting happen?"
He regretfully looked at the footage of the Vault Hunters fighting on Eden-66 and Sheol, noting the bloodshed and destruction being given.
"If only I had something like that," he murmured. "But there's nothing interesting on this damn planet for anyone to do. I have a Vault, but what sort of event could I…?"
He paused, beginning to get an idea. He glanced at the hyper-violent prison population, people who would kill for a cigarette or a scrap of food. He looked at the Vault Hunters, men and women who loved loot above all reason.
"…I think I got an idea," he whispered smirking. "When I'm done, I'll have less prisoners and tons of footage. A win-win, if it works."
He pushed an intercom button, alerting his prisoners. "Attention maggots, this is your Tsar speaking. I will be hosting a little…party here. The details are still a bit hazy right now, but it'll involve all your participation. If you participate, I will increase your food supply by double and give you public access to those luxuries you so love, like cigarettes and Jananice pornography."
He took his hand off the button, grinning. "Well, I bet that got their attention. Of course I won't actually double their food. I'll just kill half of them in the first round, so technically I would've increased it. I never said how I'd do it after all."
He whirled to another monitor, typing a command into it. He stood straight, the camera at the top activating.
"Okay Mr. Vladof, I want you to record this and spread it across the ECHOnet. Believe me, everyone is going to want to hear this."
He then cleared his throat, now directly speaking into the ECHOnet. "What up fuckers? It's me, Eddy Tsar, your favorite source of violence and gore films this side of the ECHOnet. As many of you know, I run this shithole prison known as Sweeney City, the galaxy's largest privately owned prison. Built right over a Vault and all. Well, I got a proposition for getting that Vault."
He grinned widely, flashing his famous psycho grin. "If you survive five weeks in my prison, I'll give you the Vault. You heard right, only a measly five weeks. Of course, my guys are going to try and kill you as best they can, but this is a job for the true badasses of the galaxy anyway, not for pussies. Show up in the next two weeks and sign up. Like, subscribe, go fuck yourself. K bye."
He hung up then, lying back in his padded chair comfortably. Now he just had to wait for the flood of bloodthirsty mercenaries to show up…
Alan Fitzgerald struck the cue ball with his pool stick, sending it flying across the table. It nearly nicked the 4 ball before dodging it completely, bouncing across the far side of the table.
"Son of a cock-sucking rim-job slut!" snapped the priest throwing his pool stick into a wall, impaling it like a spear into it.
Lupus, who had nearly been struck with the pool stick, simply turned the page on the book he was reading. "You really need some anger management therapy."
"You really need to go to Hell ya damn heathen! This game is fucking rigged!"
"Ha, ha, and you know what happens if I win, sweetheart," said Mortem dangerously. "We get back together again if I win."
Alan collapsed to his knees, staring up at the ceiling. He ripped off his cross, clutching it in shaking hands.
"Lord, I know I'm a bit of an asshole," he prayed desperately. "But I really need a favor. If Mortem loses this game, I'll…uh…stop drinking."
She stopped, raising an eyebrow. "Damn. You really don't want to date me?"
"Your first hint was?"
She grinned widely. "Too bad. You're the only one here even willing to touch me in this disgustingly young body. You damn pedo."
"I am NOT A PEDOPHILE! For fuck's sake, I'm a holy paladin of God!"
"Sure don't act like it," grunted Lupus.
"You shut it heathen!"
Mortem aimed her shot carefully, aimed right at the 8 ball for the final point. "Better get in bed right now Alan. We got a long steamy night ahead of us."
"Lord, I will settle on having you strike me with holy lightning and killing me," prayed Alan. "In fact, I want that instead."
Then he kicked the table, lousing up her shot and causing her to stumble. This stumble translated into the cue ball widely missing the 8 ball.
"Hey that's cheating!" she yelled loudly.
"The damn ship moved woman!" snapped Alan.
"It didn't," murmured Lupus.
"Nobody likes you Lupus! Even the fans don't like you!"
Mortem broke her pool stick in half, raising the jagged end. "I think it's about time you got penetrated for once."
"Wait, what about that one time?" protested Alan.
"Oh yeah, that time…you liked it right?"
"Against my better judgment, yes. It was amazing."
The intercom blasted on, alerting them to an announcement.
"All Vault Hunters assemble in the meeting room. That means you two Baldemar and Gaige!"
"Huh, wonder what we're talking about," murmured Alan.
"Probably another bullshit DLC story," noted Lupus.
"Naw, that's crazy talk!" exclaimed Mortem.
Lilith stood at the podium, Baskerville and Wolfenstein beside her. The newest generation noted that every generation was in the room, some of them looking rather displeased about being disturbed.
"I could be riding a joy-stick right now," warned Gaige hostilely.
"I could be shooting something right now," spoke Salvador.
"I could be not giving a fuck right now," grunted Axton.
"Alright, shut up," ordered Lilith. "It has come to my attention that…well…you know what, Suture? Come and explain this."
The Blood Titan stepped up, walking over to the New-U Station in the corner. He tapped it, turning it on.
"I was doing some tests today on this machine," he spoke analytically.
"Yawn," grunted Alan. "Get on with it Doc."
Suture scowled, pressing a button. The New-U Station beeped several times before glowing, a small object digistructing in front of it.
"…a chicken?" inquired Taika.
Indeed it was. A small fowl was standing alongside Suture, looking around curiously at its new surroundings.
"And this chicken is important because…?" asked Baldemar.
Suture kicked the chicken gently. It instantly collapsed, twitching dead.
Then it exploded into green gas, emitting an aura of death and decay from within.
"Oh God, what the fuck happened?!" roared Dion.
"It smells icky in here!" complained Aurai.
"What happened to the thing?" demanded Salvador.
"Necrosis!" exclaimed Suture completely excited, as expected from a mad scientist. "Do you know what that means gentlemen?"
Bartholomew grabbed Simo, shaking him furiously. "We can't resurrect chickens anymore!"
Suture chuckled. "No Bart. You can resurrect as many chickens as you want. The problem is…we are most likely developing similar symptoms. So…we're all dead."
"Can't we revive?" asked Wolfenstein logically.
"No. This permanently kills you. It's space necrosis. Oh, and the two Grave Knights are affected too. It speeds up the necrosis you two already have in your bodies."
"That sounds like a plot coupon," murmured Lupus.
"Nobody cares Lupus!" roared Alan.
"How long do we have to live?" inquired Axton.
Suture paused for thought. "Well we've each used a New-U Station at least ten times…we're not chickens…a week. We have a week to live."
They all paused, the weight of mortality fully sinking in.
Gaige grabbed Baldemar, marching him out of the room. "We got loads of sex to do, right now!"
"Likewise," spoke Maya, grabbing Krieg and hauling him off.
"Well looks like I just ran out of options," said Alan. "Mortem?"
"Oh God why are you still wearing pants?" muttered the Grave Knight sprinting off with him.
Lilith sighed. "Typical. Unfortunately, I totally agree with them. Baskerville?"
The wereskag grabbed her, heroically posing as best he could. "To the bedroom! Yah!"
"Cause that'll solve all our problems, sex," grunted Lupus.
"You really are commenting a lot today," noted Taika.
"I barely spoke in the last two DLCs. It's my time."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Wait, they aren't really going to die are they?"
[Richard McGuinness] "Fuck if I know. It could turn out anyway, giving this story."
