This is my offering for this week's M/M Monday Madness, an LJ community where Mary and Matthew shippers contribute new fan work for our favourite Downton Abbey ship every Monday. (You can find us on LJ and the links in my profile!). However, LJ has decided to not be working at present, so my offering for this week is being posted here instead.
So here's a little ficlet set immediately after the scene between Mary and Matthew at the garden party in episode 7.
As Matthew walked away from Mary, he forced himself to not look back, to not turn around and see her. He was afraid of what he would find if he did. Would she be sad, crying perhaps? And if she was, would that be due to her sadness over him, or her sadness at losing her future position as the Countess of Grantham? Would she just look disappointed at letting the future earl get away? Perhaps she wouldn't be showing any emotion at all, something he'd long ago learnt was a skill of Mary's. And if so, what could he think then? That she simply didn't care enough? That she was just hiding it all away beneath her cold façade? Matthew knew he wouldn't know what to think, whatever her reaction, but worse than that, he was afraid if he did turn around and see her, he would lose his nerve. He was afraid he would give in to his fierce desire to go back to her, talk to her and try to make amends. And he couldn't let that happen, he couldn't let himself give in. He had to be strong, for her sake as well as his. For if he did give in, if he did marry her, what then? How could he live with the constant doubts and insecurities that she only married him for his future title and wealth? What sort of marriage would that be?
He couldn't hate her though, how could he when her only fault was that she wasn't sure, didn't know if she cared enough about him to live without the money and comfort she was used to. It angered him, of course, frustrated him and pained him like nothing he thought ever could, but he could not hate her. He loved her too much for that, understood her too well. Perhaps in time he'd learn to hate her, as his anger and frustration turned to bitterness, as he started to resent her for caring so much for such material things, for putting them above her love for him. That was if she even did love him, something he'd been growing less and less sure of with each passing day, waiting for her answer. He had been so certain of it before, when she'd first kissed him, when she'd given consideration to his proposal and promised him an answer after her trip to London. Now he couldn't be sure, didn't know if her love was simply not enough, if she only thought herself in love. Perhaps she had even faked her interest in him, wanting to secure herself the future position of Countess of Grantham. He couldn't be sure and knew he never would, which is why he couldn't marry her, why he had to leave her and leave Downton. Why he had to make himself wake up from this strange dream and return to reality, to his old life in Manchester.
And so he forced himself to not look back, to put one foot in front of the other as he sulked away. He kept his footsteps fast and determined, anxious to increase the distant between them as much as possible, anxious that he should not give in to temptation and turn back towards her. Instead he looked up at the house, the magnificent and awe inspiring Downton Abbey, which would one day be his. He doubted he'd ever call it home though, not like his house in Manchester and even like Crawley House. Not somewhere so grand and splendid, so steeped in a past and traditions that weren't his. Not when the house never truly belonged to him, but to her. If she's been by his side, maybe then he could have called it home one day. Maybe with the rightful heir sharing in his inheritance, walking within the walls of her childhood, her family home, maybe then it would have been a place he could call his home.
He shook his head sharply and looked away from the house. There was no use thinking of things like that, not any more. They'd both made their decisions and he could not let himself regret his own. He would be back, one day, there was no getting around that, but for now moving back to Manchester was the best thing for all of them. Moving away from her, from this place where he'd never really belonged, where he never would belong. Yes, he thought to himself, it was the right decision and he would not change it, no matter what happened. He forced the thought home with every determined step he took away from her. He had to get away from Downton and away from her, away from the memories that both twisted his heart and brought it joy. Maybe he would never see her again. Perhaps when he was forced to return, when his destiny came calling, she'd already have left, married off to someone with a less precarious position, a higher title and greater wealth. He wished the best for her, of course, he loved her too much to want to see her sad. So he hoped that the man she did end up marrying would make her happy, that the comfort of money and position would keep her content and that she would not regret her own decisions. Yes, he wanted her to be happy and with him she could never be, for he could never be happy with a wife who plagued him with doubts about her regard, who did not feel for him the deep and aching love he felt for her.
And so he would leave Downton, as soon as he was able, he would talk to the earl about it tonight and start making plans tomorrow, for the sooner he got away from Downton, from her, the sooner his old life could begin again. He quicken his footsteps as he walked further away from Mary, the thoughts spinning around his mind as he ignored the conversation and the music that flitted through the air. He ignored the odd looks of the guests as they saw his scowl and angry footsteps and he ignored the servants who were milling about offering food and fine wine to the guests. For it only increased Matthew's resolve and his sense of detachment, of loneliness and frustration. He didn't belong here, in this world and he knew he never would. And as such, he knew he'd never belong to her, that she would never be his and the sooner she was out of his sight, he hoped, the sooner she'd be out of his thoughts and his heart.
I hope you liked it. I may, in future, write another one from Mary's point of view, but we'll have to wait and see.
