1….To Divide the Child
If Miss Silverglade's manager, Frank Kaley, hadn't recognized him, Adam knew he would be standing with all her other admirers at the stage door exit who waited to glimpse her, to proffer a bouquet of flowers and long for a look, a smile of acknowledgement. But instead, Adam was led to her dressing room door.
"Thank you, Frank. I hated to think of standing in the throng outside."
"You're welcome, Adam. It's good to see you again; glad you're well. I guess you caught the performance." It had been at least two years since Frank had seen Adam Cartwright, but the man was still as elegant and impressive as he had been the first time he had lingered after the performance at Piper's Opera House to speak with Miss Ava Silverglade, touted as having a voice more beautiful than any angel's. Adam held the same opinion but he would have added, "and a face more lovely."
"Yes, I saw it. She was in excellent voice." Adam smiled but he didn't want to make small talk; he wanted to see Ava.
"You noticed, didn't you?"
"Oh, you mean the change in the range of music. Yes, I noticed."
"She can't hit those high notes anymore; it's caused her more than a little anxiety. She knew her voice, like anyone else's would eventually fail but she didn't think it would be so early; she's only just turned 35."
Frank still waited outside the dressing room for Adam's response. "Well, if it's any consolation to her, she's still stunning."
Frank chuckled. "She found a gray hair the other day and noticed some lines about her mouth and eyes; almost smashed the mirror. She feels her career hasn't much time left. She's…feeling a little desperate. Be understanding of her and what she asks." The man left Adam standing alone, wondering just why he was being cautioned to be understanding. Had Ava told tales about him that exaggerated his temper, that implied he was hard-headed and unreasonable?
With his knuckles, palm toward himself, Adam lightly knocked on the dressing room door. The older woman, Mrs. Jepson, who helped Ava dress and do her hair and who never left her side, opened it. When he and Ava had married, Adam had sarcastically asked Ava if Mrs. Jepson was going to be in their bed that night, assisting her. Ava had only glared at him but then she had been in an ill humor that day anyway.
"Mr. Cartwright, so good to see you."
"How are you, Mrs. Jepson." Adam doffed his top hat.
"Oh, I'm well, thank you. Please, come in." She felt a slight thrill in Adam's presence; he was so handsome, so alive that even at her advanced age, when he looked at her, she felt she was the only woman he saw. Mrs. Jepson stepped aside and Adam stepped into the small room. He saw Ava sitting at the make-up table, the surface covered with pots of cosmetics, brushes and combs and fancy-topped pins with which to put up her auburn hair. She turned slowly to look at him and her beauty still took his breath away.
"Hello, Ava."
"Hello, Adam. It's good to see you again." She broke off their gaze. "Mrs. Jepson, would you mind leaving us?"
The older woman said nothing, just went through another door into a back room, leaving them alone.
Still sitting at the vanity bench in her chemise, corset and voluminous petticoats, Ava's long, pale throat was without the paste necklace worn during the performance. Ava motioned at a chair over which was thrown the gown she had worn for that evening. "Please sit down, Adam. Just toss that thing on the floor; it has a ripped side seam anyway."
"Too many pastries?" Adam asked with a slight smirk.
"I see you haven't changed," Ava said. "Still your same insulting, sarcastic self, I see."
"I apologize. But you haven't changed; you still take my breath away."
Ava waited, judging Adam's remark for sincerity. His face was expressionless but his eyes again held that familiar hunger, as if he would sooner revel in her flesh than talk. But that had always been their problem.
"Sorry I had to ask to meet here, Adam, but I hadn't expected you to arrive so soon. I have to say, you look very handsome tonight." She had noticed the sharp figure Adam made in his cutaway jacket and striped trousers. And she had again experienced the thrill of his dark looks and his half-smile as she had the first time they met when he had come backstage to ask her to dinner. Ava had to admit that at one time, she had loved him desperately, but she had known from the start, just as Adam had, that it wouldn't last. It couldn't last or they would eventually hate each other…and they were close to that point now.
"Why did you want to see me? What's the matter?" Adam asked as he pushed the gold-embroidered gown aside so he could sit. He dropped his top hat on the floor and sat back, stretching his legs out. He watched Ava; she was clever and dangerous – at least to him. When he was with her, Adam's moral compass left true north.
"Well, perhaps we should talk tomorrow after all," Ava said as she finished wiping off her stage makeup. "I have a dinner date and I need to dress."
"No. Tell me now, Ava. I didn't come all this way just to be put off. What is it you want? Is it Kitty? Is there something wrong with her?" He had tried to keep thoughts like that out of his mind because just considering that something might be wrong with Kitty caused incipient panic to almost strangle him. He had fought with it all the way to San Francisco, actually, ever since Ava's wire had come even though it seemed a harmless enough missive:
Please come SF Stop Need to discuss matter of import Stop Ava
"Her name is Katharine, remember? Katharine." Ava sighed; there was no changing Adam. "There's nothing wrong, so to speak, but it is about her." Reflected in the mirror, Ava saw Adam's face react, saw him start to rise from his chair, his body coiled like a panther's ready to pounce. Ava turned to face him. "As a matter of fact, she's asleep in the next room with the costumes." Ava breathed easier as Adam relaxed. She hated confronting him but knew what she said next would cause an argument. Of that she was certain.
"Then what?"
"I need you to take her." Ava waited for Adam to react.
Adam watched his wife evenly, unsure. "What do you mean, 'take her'? For the night? For the week? Month?"
"For the next few years."
Adam knew he needed to stay calm, to not explode, especially since he saw fear in Ava's eyes. Was he so awful, so harsh in his anger that she actually feared him? He knew he could be cruelly sarcastic, insulting, his way of striking out when hurt but he had worked hard to curb those tendencies. He remained silent, waiting for Ava to continue.
Ava rose and began to pace back and forth in the small room, wringing her hands. "You see, Adam, in two months, I'm going to tour Europe. You know, performing in Rome, Paris and such and I can't drag Katharine around like a piece of luggage. She's not yet four and that kind of life, well, it's not for a child. I have a new patron who's paying my fare and all the expenses of the new gowns and hotels and he's going to pay for the venues as well. Why even Mrs. Jepson is having to stay behind. Only my manager is going along. You see, my patron feels…"
"What you really mean," Adam said, sitting forward, watching Ava, "is that you have a wealthy lover who wants to spirit you off to Europe and doesn't want a child along and the sooner you're rid of Kitty, the happier he'll be."
"What if I do have a lover? So what? Why should you care? And don't give me that look! You're always so judgmental, Adam! I can still hear your voice booming, 'No child of mine is going to be a bastard!' And that righteous speech you gave me about marriage being the only way to make things right. Then practically dragging me to the justice of the peace!"
"You didn't fight very much!' Now Adam was out of his chair, facing Ava. All his pent-up anger and frustration over the past few years coming back in full force. "All I had to do was wave money in front of your face, didn't I, and you were more than happy to marry me. We could have been happy, Ava, all three of us, but no, you had to get back to the stage and your parties and your admirers! You wanted diamond bracelets and furs and ball gowns and you treat Kitty as just another accessory to make you look better when it serves your purpose but now she's a hindrance, isn't she!"
"Don't you dare lecture me about how I treat Katharine! I love her! It was you, you and that family of yours! All of you just wanted to make her a Cartwright and keep both of us on that damned farm of yours! I refused and that's what eats at you, that you couldn't control me! I won't grow old stuck in the wilderness and I won't have it for my daughter either!"
"Not unless it serves your purpose! I'm happy to take Kitty with me – it's what I always wanted – but now that you don't want her with you anymore, now that she disrupts your plans for your career, now it's fine that she becomes a 'Cartwright' and lives on a 'farm'!"
"You smug bastard! I'd take her with me to Europe if I could but I can't, and you act as if you're doing me a favor! You never loved her, did you, never loved either of us?"
"Don't even start with that. You left me, remember? You took Kitty with you just to punish me!"
Ava harshly laughed. "Punish you? If I'd wanted to punish you. All I had to do…" She stopped, seeing the pain in Adam's face. Ava knew not to go too far again. In the past, she had hurt him terribly by flirting outrageously with his friends, embarrassing him with her extreme behavior, and then taking Kitty away with her when he so obviously adored his daughter. But she had rationalized that Adam was trying to suffocate her by forcing her to be a wife and mother, two roles for which she wasn't made. But she had tried – she could honestly tell herself she had tried.
Ava and Adam stared at one another. And then it was as if Adam suddenly deflated and he sunk back down into the chair, dropping his head in his hands. Ava stepped toward him, gingerly touching his black hair and it brought back the sensuality of their former relationship, the caresses, his deep, thrilling voice in the dark as they lay in each other's arms after passionate coupling. Ava loved him still despite the anger and the frustration she felt in all their dealings.
Adam looked up and took her hand, gently pulling her down until she was on her knees before him. He held Ava's face in his hands and examined it. There were lines forming about her deep blue eyes, but other than that, to him, she was flawless except for the few small freckles across her cheeks that she always attempted to cover with powder. That was another reason she had hated the Ponderosa – there was no escaping the sun and she had fretted about it ruining her skin.
"Ava, you know I'll take Kitty back with me – but are you sure it's what you want? I'd really prefer both of you return with me. She loves you. I know that. The last time I had her, she did nothing but cry for you the whole time. I know she's older now but we hardly know each other. It'll break her heart to be away from you. And, Ava, I still love you. Maybe we could start anew."
Ava reached up and held onto Adam's wrists. Just touching his skin set her senses aflame. "Adam, it's funny; she's her father's daughter - so much like you it's almost laughable – but it's impossible for me to keep her right now. Please, since you say you still care for me, take Kitty back with you and in a year or so, when I return, then we'll see what happens."
Adam roughly released Ava's face and she caught herself before she tumbled backwards. He stood up and Ava managed to stand again; their tender moment was gone.
"Fine, Ava," Adam said. "But no matter what, there's no divorce. You remember that. So, enjoy your 'patron' but keep in mind that you can't marry him. No other man is going to be Kitty's father."
"You mean my husband. Now who's punishing whom?" Ava walked over to the door through which Mrs. Jepson had exited, opened it and walked in while Adam waited. He didn't know what to expect but then he heard Kitty's small voice, protesting about being waked. Adam's heart stepped up. He hadn't expected Kitty to be there but he was going to see his daughter now. He walked to the door and looked in. On a small cot in the middle of the hanging costumes and trunks, Kitty had been sleeping but she was now awake and sitting up. She had deep auburn hair like her mother and her curls were in disarray. Ava picked her up and carried her to the door. Adam stepped back to give them room and Mrs. Jepson followed carrying a large valise.
Then Adam realized that Ava wanted him to take Kitty tonight with no chance to slowly win her over.
"Katharine," Ava said to her daughter who snuggled against her, "you remember your father, don't you? You saw him a year ago, remember?" Kitty hid her face against her mother, putting her arms about her mother's neck. She avoided looking at her father.
"Of course, she doesn't remember," Adam said. "She wasn't even three." He reached out and touched her auburn curls; their softness made him ache with love. Kitty pulled her head away and hid her face against her mother's shoulder. "I brought you a doll, Kitty. It's at my hotel. Would you like to see it?" The child still avoided looking at him. "Kitty? Wouldn't you like to go with me to see your new doll? It has blue eyes just like you, and wears a bonnet and a pink dress and black shoes—little black shoes with buckles just like you're wearing."
With his child so close, Adam itched to hold her, to kiss her cheeks and feel her arms about his own neck. But he knew he had to wait, to have patience.
"Katharine," Ava said, no longer indulgent. "You have to stay with your father for a while. He'll take care of you."
"No," Kitty said and held on tighter, wrapping her legs about her mother's waist.
"I don't have time for this now. Please, Katharine, please be a good girl and go with your father."
"No! Won't go!"
"Ava," Adam said, "this can wait until a better time. Tomorrow I can take the two of you out for the day and then…"
"Do you think it'll be any easier then? It wouldn't matter if it was a month from now!" Ava's chin quivered and she struggled not to cry. "Despite what you think of me, I'm not unnatural! It breaks my heart…Please, Adam, just take her now."
Adam reached for Kitty and held onto her while Ava disentangled the protesting child's arms and legs. Finally, Adam held his child close, his heart pounding, but Kitty shrieked, reaching out for her mother, her small fingers opening and closing, struggling in Adam's grasp.
"Kitty," Adam said in an effort to comfort her, "It'll be all right. It'll be all right." But the child continued to arch her back and kick while she cried, her hands grasping the air.
"Mr. Cartwright, I'll go with you to the curb to get a hack," Mrs. Jepson said, her eyes filling with tears. "I have her bag."
"Mrs. Jepson," Adam said, struggling with his child, "If you'll stay the night to help calm Kitty, maybe even accompany us on the train, I'll make it worth your time."
"Ma'am?" Mrs. Jepson asked Ava.
"Yes. Go, go. You're not coming to Europe anyway. Just go-all of you." And Ava finally broke into tears. "Just go…go…"
People on the street stared at the handsome, well-dressed man holding the red-faced, struggling child who wept pathetically, calling for her mother. "The probably think I'm abducting her," Adam said to Mrs. Jepson. "Here, you hold her. She knows you."
"Yes, sir," Mrs. Jepson said and setting down the large valise, she took Kitty from Adam. Immediately the child clung to the woman and her crying softened in intensity but she still wanted her mother, asking for her over and over.
I don't even know my own child well enough that she's happy to go with me, Adam considered. But he hoped that would change over time. And they probably would have a great deal of time because if the French and Italians vaunted Ava's beauty and voice, he doubted she would ever return. And that was fine by him.
