Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Except for an incubus in a jar I release on unsuspecting straight men.
Integra was more than a sufficient leader. In fact, she was downright successful in her business of exterminating the undead. But, much like every rose had its thorn, Integra had her weaknesses. Though her curt and sharp way of speaking got her point across, it did nothing for her popularity with her soldiers.
To help with PR, Walter had ushered in horror movie night, once a month and while not mandatory, it was…strongly encouraged with incentives to avoid negative consequences. Such as bathroom cleaning duty to whomever didn't wish to participate.
Usually the movies were a laughable sort of "horror"…but apparently the premise and trailer were deceiving for tonight's selection.
Walter flicked the lights on and the Wild Geese moved faster than vampires in the sunlight; straightening their posture, wiping the fear from their faces and checking each other for their peers' reactions. Seras was curled up in the fetal position, practically in Pip's lap. Pip tried to comfort the terrified Draculina, rubbing her back while his one eye was wide in alarm. For once, the mess hall was dead silent.
"…let's see if that alternate ending's any better…" Integra murmured, reaching for the remote.
"NO!" Seras screamed, making at least half of the soldiers jump. Integra glanced at her.
"Why not?"
"Because that entire movie is satanic and demonic and should be burned and, and…" Integra heard Pip's bones creak as she held onto him harder, sobbing bloody tears into his uniform. She took a survey of the room.
"I didn't think it was that bad… Alucard?"
Seras chanced a look towards her master. He usually laughed the entire-
She screamed at the top of her lungs, tearing herself from Pip and jumping onto the ceiling. The troop of highly trained mercenaries who had been through more battles than a history book contained screeched bloody murder and jumped out of their chairs. Alucard was face up on the floor, his blown off head resting in a pool of his own blood.
"WHEN ZE 'ELL DID ZAT 'APPEN?" Pip shrieked, crouched up on his chair as though mice were loose. Integra shrugged.
"About fifteen minutes into the movie. It was that loud gunshot you blamed on the door closing," she nudged his body with the toe of her shoe, "You can regenerate now, it's over."
The blood flowed back to his head, his face taking shape once more.
"If I heard that whelp scream "MICAH!" one more time, I was going to do very unpleasant things to innocent people."
"Understandable."
"There was no "h", and the "i" made my soul die a little more. Did the movie get any better?"
"No."
"I figured as much," he sat up, "And the ending that "everyone" was talking about?"
"The demon dragged her down the stairs, Micah followed, there was struggling, heavy footsteps, Micah got thrown at the camera, she looks at him, then grins at the camera. There's an epilogue and no credits."
Alucard stared at her.
"…this is what the horror genre's come to? Some lame ending to a mediocre plot?"
"Just because you're a heartless bloodthirsty jerk doesn't mean the rest of us aren't so extremely desensitized!" Seras objected. Alucard craned his head to look up at her.
"…the hell are you doing on the ceiling?"
"…nothing."
"Then come down."
"Heck no," Alucard didn't fight her any further, turning back to Integra, "Isn't there an alternate ending or two?"
"NO!"
III
Integra had lost all faith in her men after that incident. A fake-umentary with horrible cheesiness scared them that bad and they were supposed to be fighting the real thing? She expected it of Seras, but the Captain was a surprise.
To her shock, the next movie night was "Paranormal Activity 2".
"They requested it," Walter informed her, "I suspect they want to prove themselves. Either that or they want to know what happens to Katie."
Integra sighed.
"My guess is the former."
She started to wonder how severe the absence punishment was when she spotted Seras in the makeshift theater, a nervous Pip glancing warily at her hand holding his. Poor boy; one good unintentional squeeze and she could snap his wrist in half. Alucard formed behind Integra, growling at Seras.
"Hell no. You slept in my coffin for a week after the last one," he snarled. Seras's big red eyes looked innocently up at him.
"I may have overreacted a bit, but it's all in perspective now. Besides, everyone knows that the sequel's never as good as the original." Integra blinked, turning to Alucard.
"Speaking of, why are you here? You preferred suicide over surviving "Paranormal Activity 1"," Alucard smirked.
"I'm not here to watch the movie; I'm here to watch everyone watching the movie. Far more entertaining."
And so, the house lights went out and the movie began.
III
Integra blinked when the lights flicked on, stifling a yawn. She stretched, rubbing at her eyes and glancing around.
The mercenaries were unabashedly shaking, cowering back in their seats and looking stunned. Seras was sobbing into the crook of Pip's neck, curled up like a Cirque de Solis performer.
"It was wooooooorse," she wailed. Pip was staring at Integra like she was insane.
"…'ow did you sleep zrough zat kitchen scene?" He asked.
"I was tired," she insisted. She turned towards Alucard.
His eyes were glued to the screen, looking furious.
"What the hell happened to the dog?"
"Abbey went to ze vet, remember?"
"Yeah, but it never came back. Husband got his neck snapped, wife got thrown at the camera, boyfriend's AWOL, Katie took the baby. Even the daughter was said to have come back from wherever the hell she was to see her family's murdered corpses…but the dog never came back from the vet's."
"I zink zat girl's a little more concerned with ozer zings besides picking up ze dog…"
"So she's just going to leave it there?" Pip glanced down at Seras, who was giving moans like a suffering animal. He hugged her tighter.
"What I want to know is what was scratched on ze door. Personally, I zink it was MILF, referring to ze sister and standing for "mozer I'd like to fu-""
"Idiot. It was "MILK", referring to the breast milk of a mother, pointing to the fact that the demon wanted the unweaned son of Katie's sister."
"…is this like looking for the word "sex" in Disney movies? It sounds about as pointless," Integra scoffed. Alucard shook his head.
"No, there was definitely a message carved out. Here, we'll skip to where you fell asleep at." A demonic screech of protest came from the back of Seras's throat. Alucard stared at her, then slumped down in his seat, "We'll watch it tomorrow then, Master."
Integra sighed, fishing out a cigar.
"The big mysteries to me are why the exorcists are never around, why they want to use an Ouija board, and why the females of this family are so attracted to complete jerks." She glanced down at Pip's lap, "…did you seriously piss yourself?"
"'ell no! Seras spilled 'er soda on my lap!"
She didn't bother to point out that Seras didn't drink soda. If Mr. Bernadotte wanted to scramble for scraps of his dignity, she'd let him.
III
"Get off my laptop."
"I'm just borrowing it for a few minutes."
"What on earth would you need the internet for anyway?"
"I'm going to find out what the hell happened to Abbey…"
"Oh for god's sake Alucard, it's a dog in a movie!"
"It's what she symbolizes."
Integra was about to ask just what a German shepherd in a low budget horror movie "symbolized" when Seras and Pip strode in, Seras setting up a stepladder while Pip pulled out a power drill and a camera.
"…you can't be serious," Integra muttered.
"I swear to god I heard something last night!" Seras insisted.
"Somezing moved my magazines!" Pip said. Integra sighed, rubbing her eyes.
"Seras, there are thousands of things you could've heard last night and Mr. Bernadotte, I can almost guarantee you either don't remember moving your own Playboys or one of your men browsed your collection."
"'ey, my magazines are much more tasteful zan zose dirty run-of-ze-mill publications."
"You humans are so content with the answers you're given. Everyone's satisfied with the "she's at the vet and the stepdaughter will eventually pick her up" solution…" Alucard continued to slouch in Sir Integra's chair, scrolling down and staring at the computer screen.
Pip climbed up the ladder while Seras held it steady.
"You two have lost it. There is absolutely no reason to install security cameras," Integra growled.
"Then you won't mind if we do it," Seras quipped back.
"It'z a little late anyhoo," Pip said, pausing as he started to drill. He leaned back to check the angle, "We've got one in ze bunkers, ze mess 'all, ze kitchen, ze living room, Seras's bedroom, your bedroom…"
"The hell?"
"'ey, paranormal shit iz attracted to you. All we need iz one on ze front porch and 'ere."
"Nothing ever happens on the front porch," Seras reminded him.
"Right, so scratch ze front porch one. And we're going to carry around a little 'and'eld one, juuust in case."
"…you do realize that they weren't really home movies, don't you?" Pip hopped off the ladder and Seras folded it up, the pair glancing at each other. They knew something was going on, regardless of the coincidence of what movies they had been watching recently.
Integra sighed, hanging her head. She would just have to ride this out until they realized how utterly ridiculous their behavior was.
"You're got to be kidding me," Alucard drawled. Integra glanced hopefully at him for back up, "They're making a third one."
Hope lost.
III
Geez…this story's been on the backburner for quite some time (you can tell because the third one had been newly announced when I got to Alucard discussing his blockbuster idea). I was one of the gullible people who was scared crap-less after watching both "Paranormal Activity" and its sequel; it's a lot less laughable when you have actually dealt with supernatural stuff, and demonic movies in general I stay the frick away from. But then, after my brother chastised me about how much of a wimp I was, I thought about Integra and Alucard's reactions to it, especially since they deal with paranormal activity every day. So, yeah. I wrote a crack fic. It's not really that long, but I still have to break it up some so people don't run away in fright.
