a lot of fics/art have phineas acting like a defenseless little uke desu~ around ferb

and then they bone and there's no lube and phineas is crying and ferb is all stoic

and i just

do not agree with that portrayal at all


"So, Fletcher, what's it like havin' your brother as your own personal bitch?"

"…Excuse me?"

The gang were all seated together at a picnic table in the local park, and as always, the topic had managed to swerve back to Phineas and Ferb's strange relationship. Isabella was taking it better now, and Baljeet didn't even flinch when they kissed. Buford… well, he was Buford.

The large boy laughed, then leaned across the table and gave Ferb a knowing grin. Phineas, who had been busy playing with his DS, how looked up to see what was happening.

"C'mon," Buford sneered, "I know you two go at it like bunnies. Don't you feel just a little gross when you're poundin' your brother?"

"Buford, leave them alone!" Isabella snapped. "There's no need to - "

She was cut off by Phineas bursting into wild laughter. Ferb seemed to suddenly be very interested in the table.

"What's so funny, dinnerbell?" Buford snarled.

Phineas wiped his eyes and set his DS down in front of him. "Oh man… well, for one, we don't do anal."

Baljeet choked on his drink.

"And two," Phineas continued, "while Ferb has indeed led the show a few times, he's not what you'd call… dominating. At least not usually."

Ferb swallowed and looked out across the park with one hand shakily rubbing the back of his neck. "Uh, Phin, they don't really need to know," he murmured, but apparently he wasn't heard.

"I mean, just last night I had him bound and gagged and totally helpless," Phineas informed his friends casually. "Hell, most nights it's nothing more than a little grinding and he's still the one clinging to me and whimpering my name and all that junk. Ferb lets me do the leading. He always has; you guys know that."

The three faces across the table were varied shades of red, all which paled in comparison to Ferb, who practically matched his brother's hair.

Phineas shrugged and picked up his DS again. "You really shouldn't assume stuff, Buford, you know what they say about assuming. Just because he's taller and stronger, that doesn't make him the constant pitcher in our relationship. We trade places." He stuck his tongue out in concentration, focused intently on his game. "…And heck, I'm totally all about pitching. Ferb's hot when he's flustered. I mean, he's always hot, but there's nothing like pinning him down and - "

"PHINEAS!" Ferb shrieked. When he had his brother's attention (as well as the attention of everyone else within a hundred foot radius), he lowered his voice to a whisper. "Can we please not talk about this?"

"Please," Baljeet repeated shakily.

Phineas blinked, looked around, then shrugged and resumed playing his game. "Sure. I'm not the one who brought it up, though."

"Now do you see why you don't ask these things?" Isabella hissed to a very embarrassed Buford.