He was about to start the engine when his phone rang. Louise, the screen informed him. Jackson hesitated, imaging what might happen if he didn't answer it.
And what would if he did.
'Hope' is the thing with feathers – That perches on the soul – And sings a the tune without the words - And never stops – at all –
Someone should put out that light, that was what he had thought while sitting in the Black Swan with Julia all those months ago now. But he just hadn't though it would be him putting out the very last flame, but as he sat in his Saab, he held the fire extinguisher in his hand. Just press decline Jackson, and end all of this. Press decline, give The Ambassador one of the dog treats that are probably in the glove compartment and drive the 217 miles back to the flat in Covent Garden. Press decline.
Jackson pressed accept.
"Hello." The Scottish tones of a voice that had been confined to his head for too long rang out.
"Hello," Really good conversation starter, Jackson. "Hello," He repeated and realised he was stuck in some Louise-induced loop which only included the word 'hello'. Everything else in his vocabulary had been the victim of some kind of temporary amnesia. The word 'hello', being the only noun remaining, was the only thing he could say - and if Jackson was being honest you couldn't really have a meaningful conversation when all you could say was 'hello'. Thankfully, Jackson - the idea of a conversation just consisting of 'hello' still fresh in his mind; was brought out of this stupor by Louise speaking.
"Um, happy birthday Jackson."
"My birthday was two months ago." He said and it suddenly dawned on him that if his two children had not sent their customary gifts, a hand drawn card from Nathan with ten quid in it – obviously Julia's work - and a mug from Marlee, Jackson's 50th birthday probably would have gone unnoticed. "I know," Louise started. "I forgot." Jackson laughed and so did she and suddenly the whole world looked brighter. That was probably an overstatement or the sun coming out of the clouds but Jackson didn't care - he was smiling like a lunatic at the sound of Louise laughing. "But I remembered, obviously," She continued. "So yeah, happy birthday for two months ago,"
"Thanks, you know for remembering," If Jackson was being honest he didn't know what he was saying, he was making it up at he was going along. "Hey um, yeah thanks, when's your birthday?" He was rambling now, just saying things for the sake of talking, acutely aware that if he stopped, even for a moment, to formulate an idea for what he could say, Jackson would end up professing his undying love for her, and he didn't really think that would go down well.
"It's June 21st," Jackson, file that somewhere in you small brain and never forget it. Wait, what was it again?
"Right, I will not forget,"Only a little white lie.
"How are Nathan and Marlee?"
"Nathan's four and Marlee is 14, and they're both fine." He said shrugging, then realised that she couldn't see him shrugging, but in his sudden panic he couldn't think of a word version of a shrug – apart from actually saying "I'm shrugging" – which didn't really have the same affect.
Then he remembered that Louise had two children too, and this sudden realisation stunned him for a second. "Um, how are yours?" He finally said, "Your children, yes how are your children?" He added to clarify.
"Archie's at boarding school, um and Anna is asleep, thankfully at the moment." The idea of Louise with a baby had crossed his mind more times than he anticipated, but he had always dreamt it had been his baby she had. Not some orthopaedic surgeon called Patrick who just happened to be her husband. "How old is Anna?" He asks, as he had forgotten - obviously or he wouldn't be asking.
"Thirteen months, yeah, time flies, all that," She sounded as lost as he did and Jackson had to resist the urge to laugh at that. He knew it was inappropriate.
"Where are you?" A slightly weird question, but he had to know if for some really coincidental reason, she was near Fountains Abbey 561 miles way from her home. Turns out, sadly, she wasn't. "I'm at home,"
"On your own?" Jackson didn't know why that was his immediate response because he highly doubted that Louise would have left a small child on her own. Anyway her husband would be there too.
"Well apart from Anna and the dog yeah, I am" Oh, I was wrong, was the first thought that entered his head, but it was quickly followed by another. She kept the dog! She kept the dog I gave her! "Where are you?" Louise asked and instinctively he looked around him; apart from the dog he was alone - in a car 217 miles from his house. "Sitting in a car at Fountains Abbey with a dog called The Ambassador."
"Oh," She laughed again. "Why is he called The Ambassador?" She asked.
"It's a long story," And that was not an exaggeration. "What's your dog called?" He was expecting Fluffy or Spot or maybe something that wasn't a description like Toby. But he definitely wasn't expecting what Louise said.
"We- I called him Jackson." For once in his life, Jackson didn't know what to say. What could you say? So he just says something completely unrelated, well not completely. "I miss you," He had to say it; the fact she was married with a small child could not stop him missing her. A silence a lot longer than he was anticipating rang out and Jackson felt he might have overstepped the line, but the Louise finally spoke. "Jackson,"
"Yeah?"
"I miss you too, and I'm really so sorry but I think I -" Which is when a high pitched beep rang out and his phone died. Jackson stared down at the black screen, he fiddled frantically with the on and off button on the top of the phone but to no avail – the screen stayed blank. Crap. Crap. Why had she apologised? Had she done something wrong? Staring down at the inanimate object Jackson had the desire to throw the phone out of the window, and it was half way down when he realised that it probably wouldn't be the best idea ever. So he resigned himself to hitting the steering wheel, again and again.
…
Julia lived in on the outskirts of York – not exactly the middle of the countryside, but probably as close as Julia had ever been. Jackson had been in the car for an hour and was currently sitting in Julia's drive way. He climbed out of the car and rang the doorbell. While he waited for Julia to open the door, Jackson looked down at his watch and was surprised to see that it was nine o'clock at night. Nathan, he hoped, would be asleep.
Julia opened the door and stared at Jackson, then made a point of looking at her watch to illustrate how late it was. "Nathan's in bed."
"Okay." He said. "I didn't really come here to see him." He added, after a second. It pained him to say so, but if Jackson was being honest Nathan hadn't been his top priority while he was driving to Julia's house.
"That's nice, Jackson." She paused. "Then why are you here? It's not to see me, is it?" Julia sounded vaguely horrified at the idea.
"I need your phone."
"Why the hell do you need my phone? What about you phone?"
"Okay, I need a phone, not yours specifically." He said, plastering a grin on his face, extremely aware that every passing second he spent standing on Julia's doorstep was another second Louise would be waiting for him. He highly doubted she wait forever, or even two hours. "And mine died, during a phone call." He added.
"So whoever you were phoning was quite important or you wouldn't turn up at my door at five past nine at night begging to use my phone." She said, leaning on the door frame and smirking.
"Yep, spot on Julia. Just let me in."
...
Ten minutes later Jackson was stood in Julia's kitchen – which was quite un-Julia as it had barely any decoration at all – with a cup of coffee in one hand and Julia's landline in the other. His phone – thankfully the same make as one Julia had had a few years previously – was plugged in to a charger Julia had supplied and was displaying Louise's details. He dialled her number into the landline – having discovered earlier he had no credit on his phone to make the call he so desperately wanted to.
The first time he rang no one picked up, it just rang to voice mail but Jackson didn't leave a message. He actually wanted to talk to her. The second time was worse - he heard the engaged tone. Crap, she was phoning someone else.
…
He took the phone away from his ear. In the last few minutes, he had phoned another three times. Twice he had got the engaged tone and the other time it had rung to voicemail again. Jackson just face it, she doesn't want to talk to you. He felt the urge to throw his phone again, and as he was about to swear and chuck the phone – Julia's as it was in his hand at this point – across the kitchen when he heard someone talk.
"Daddy?" Nathan was standing at the kitchen door, holding a toy velociraptor and wearing pyjamas to match. "Daddy, what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to tuck you in, Nathan," Jackson smiled.
…
Upstairs, as he sat by Nathan's bed, Jackson watched his son sleep. He couldn't get Louise out of his head. Don't, stop, do not think about her. You need to move on get over her- one part of his brain said - easier said than done. Another said. Jackson had his phone in his hand. He scrolled down his contacts until he reached her.
He deleted it.
