HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A BABY DINOSAUR
By Owen Grady
1. Find an area with suitable lighting.
2. Set up backdrop (a blanket on two sticks will do).
3. Pick up blanket. Add third stick for extra support.
4. Pick up blanket. Tape blanket to wall.
5. Locate subject of photo. Wipe peanut butter off subject's face.
6. Place subject in front of backdrop.
7. Make sure camera is in focus.
8. Place subject in front of backdrop.
9. Check camera battery.
10. Check if camera is broken.
11. Remove lens cap.
12. Locate subject. Place subject in front of backdrop.
13. Adjust camera.
14. Place subject in front of backdrop.
15. Encourage subject to look at camera by making funny dinosaur noises.
16. Cradle subject until they stop crying.
17. Place subject in front of backdrop.
18. Hold subject in place.
19. Tape subject to carpet.
20. Adjust camera.
21. Locate subject. Remove tape from shoe.
22. Place subject in front of backdrop.
23. Apply bandage to wound caused by subject's teeth.
24. Locate subject.
25. Scold subject.
26. Cradle subject until they stop crying.
27. Place subject in front of backdrop.
28. Tape backdrop to wall and bind subject's mouth.
29. Apply bandage to wound caused by subject's tail.
30. Place subject in front of backdrop.
31. Get subject to smile by making funny faces.
31.5. (Ignore last step, as is impossible. Go for old-fashioned look.)
32. Press button to take photo.
33. Turn camera on. Press other button.
34. Point camera in right direction.
35. Press bu
36. Charge camera.
37. Place camera on stand.
38. Locate subject.
39. Place peanut butter in cupboard and wipe subject's face.
40. Place subject in front of backdrop.
41. Adjust camera.
42. Figure out why image is out of focus.
43. Wipe saliva off lens.
44. Remove lens cap from subject's mouth.
45. Place subject in front of backdrop.
46. Scoop up mess under subject's rear.
47. Dispose of mess.
48. Locate subject.
49. Place subject in front of backdrop.
50. Apply bandage to black eye caused by subject's fist.
51. Take subject upstairs.
52. Get Claire to do it.
