And
it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's
been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I
could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I
could call you
Dean sat on the bed, phone in his hand. All he had to do was press the dial button. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. Sam left, left him high and dry, to go and have a 'normal' life, whatever the hell Sam defined 'normal' as being. For days after Sam left, Dean had felt numb, lifeless, incomplete. He missed Sam.
And everything I
can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The
consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my
means
He did everything for Sam, sacrificed everything. He knew that everything they'd been through, they'd been through together. All the fucked up shit that most people would see only in their nightmares, everything. He thought Sam would at least offer some sort of apology, even if Dean was only going to shoot it down, tell him not to worry about it.
It's
been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's
been awhile since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been
awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And
it's been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with
you
Dean needed Sam. Without him, he wasn't himself. Even if all it meant was him being able to poke fun at him. Sam was the only person he could truly express his feelings too, and without that outlet Dean wasn't himself. He'd always seem to make mistakes on hunts, or become extremely violent.
And
everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The
consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up
again
Dean could have easily stopped all of this from happening. His less-than-brotherly relationship with Sam, Sam's leaving, everything. But he didn't. He couldn't bring himself to. He fucked things up with Sam again.
Why
must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more
peaceful day
Dean loved Sam so much. He'd lie awake those long nights after Sam left, thinking about Sam. He would find himself wondering what Sam was doing, whether he was happy, whether he missed Dean. Dean couldn't help these thoughts, these feelings. Some days he wished he could forget it all, because the memories would make his heart ache and he'd miss Sam even more.
And
it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And
it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile since
I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
but I can still remember just the way you taste
Dean's relationship with his brother was far from innocent. And he hated himself for letting it go on, even start. But Sam kept on pushing, until eventually Dean broke. And now Sam had broken Dean again.
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up
as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this
on my father
He did the best he could for me
Dean knew it was all his fault. It was his fault Sam left, no one else's. His fault Sam wanted normalcy, a life where you don't fuck your brother. His fault Sam seemed to always find some reason to argue with their father. Dean could have stopped Sam from walking out that door, but he did nothing. Always the good little soldier, he did what his father told him, let him go. But Dean could never let Sam go, not matter how much might want to.
And
it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's
been awhile since I said I'm sorry.
Dean made a decision. He held his phone up to his ear.
"Dean?"
"I'm sorry, Sammy. I'm so sorry."
