Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.
Captain's Log: Star Date 53031.29 We have taken aboard a personal friend of mine in order to explore a newly discovered M-class planet just beyond the Z Sector of Federation space.
Picard welcomed Vash onto the Bridge as he gave her a tour of the Enterprise. "And this is where I command the ship."
"How very exciting!" she gushed, tucking her hands under her chin and batting her eyelashes at him.
"Yes…" he replied hesitantly. He turned to Deanna Troi, "Counselor Troi, this is Vash, our guest for the duration of the mission."
"Er myr gursh, gurl!" Troi exclaimed, bunching her face up like a flattened beach ball, "Where dird yer gert ders parnts?"
"Do you like them?!" Vash squealed, "I knitted them myself!"
"Hey, Jean-Luc," Wesley demanded informally, suddenly appearing from the Captain's ready-room, "You're out of toilet paper in there."
"Mr. Crusher, I wasn't aware that you were on this ship," Picard replied, taken aback.
Wesley shrugged. "I should be at Star Fleet Academy, but the narrator lacks any enthusiasm for continuity, and decided I should be here instead."
"Shut up, Mary Sue!" the narrator yelled from the intercom.
In response, Wesley flipped off the ceiling. He sauntered over to the Command center and slumped into Picard's chair.
"Mr. Crusher, this is highly irregular," Picard protested.
"Uh huh. What's this button do?"
"Don't touch that!" Picard snapped in horror slapping his hand away.
"Why? What's it do?"
Indignantly, he replied, "It's for emergencies only. Never touch it."
Just then, Worf and Riker burst onto the scene, huge smiled on their faces. "Great news, everyone!" Worf squealed, bouncing up and down, "We're getting married!"
"This would be so adorable!" Vash gushed, "if they had matching dresses!"
"With My Little Pony stickers on them?" Wesley asked hopefully.
"Yes, but what a shame," Deanna remarked, "the poor groom's bride is a whore."
"Yeah, Will; are you sure you can handle this kind of baggage?" Data asked, emerging from a Conn, "I mean, he's got a kid, you know. That's a big responsibility. And think of what you mother'd say. Tsk tsk."
"You're one to talk, father of Lal!" Vash gushed, "And didn't you sleep with that one chick who died?!"
Riker started crying, and fell into Worf's arms. "I. Just. Want. One. Happy. Wedding," he sobbed. Worf kissed his temple.
The Bridge flooded with crewmembers trying to insert their opinions on this unconventional marriage. Vash fought her way to the Captain's chair. "We must push the button to restore the natural balance of things!"
Wesley cackled madly and grappled with her. "NEVER. CHAOS MUST REIGN." But Vash poked him in the side, causing his bowels to violently release everything.
Victorious, Vash struggled through the crowd and plopped at last into the chair. She slammed her fist down on the button.
"No," Picard protested, but was too late. The Enterprise exploded.
And that's why we need stricter gun laws.
The End
