"Have Olivia and Fin landed already?" Erin asked as she sat across from his desk later that day. She had dropped them off at the airport that morning.
"Yes, she texted me an hour ago."
"I like her. And I know you do too."
"Erin."
"Oh come on, Hank. You can hide it from the rest of the team but not from me. You like her."
"She is great at her job."
"So that's why you told her you wished she was here more often?"
"Yes, she would help us solve a lot of cases."
"Hank!"
"And she would be good for you. When was the last time you had a good woman to look up to?"
"Camille."
"Exactly." Hank thought to himself that Camille had been the last good woman in his life as well. "How are you doing?"
"I've been better."
"And you will be there again."
"I actually talked to Olivia about it."
"You did?"
"Yes, right before you picked her up at Molly's." A small grin appeared on her face and he could have sworn he was her biological father. "You still don't like her?"
"She needed a ride to the hotel."
"Yet she never checked-in."
"Are you keeping tabs on her?"
"No, on you."
"What did she tell you?"
"Yeah, go ahead and change the subject."
"I'll make you a deal. You tell me what she said and I'll answer one of your many questions."
"Deal."
"Go ahead," Voight said as he leaned back on his chair.
"She told me about Lewis. How he wanted to get into his victim's head so they couldn't get rid of him, that they couldn't live the life they had planned and that is what I'm up against." She cleared her throat and pushed the tears away. "She reassured me it isn't wrong to be relieved to be the one to have killed Yates because he killed Nadia and came after me. I wanted to know how she dealt with her situation and she said she's still doing it but her phone is always on."
"And she truly means that, Erin."
"I know, I could see it in her eyes. But, Hank, what exactly happened to Olivia?"
"That is her story to tell, not mine."
"But you know."
"Yes, she told me about it last year when we were in New York for Nadia."
"Was it bad?"
Hank remembered that night perfectly. After he had gone to see Yates, he came back to her apartment where she was waiting for him with a Manhattan. Before he left the bar, Olivia pulled him aside and told him she knew what he was about to do. He didn't have time to complain before she said she understood but once he was done, he should show up at her apartment. In that moment, she didn't imagine herself telling him about Lewis, about everything he did to her, about the nightmares, about the flashbacks and about the scars but she did.
[287 days earlier]
"I don't want to say I'm sorry because I know that's the last thing you want to hear. Plus, you would punch my throat."
"You are correct."
"But I am glad that son of a bitch is dead or I would be kicking his ass right now."
"You know what's funny? You didn't even know me back then and I know you would actually do that right now."
"Olivia, I didn't have to know you back then. I only need to know you now…to know you are the kind of woman I would kick anyone's ass for."
"I think this is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me."
"Then you have been dating the wrong men."
"Oh, you have no idea."
"Good thing I'm here then," he chuckled as he downed the last of his drink.
"I want to show you something." Olivia stood up in front of him as she slowly started unbuttoning her shirt. She bit down on her lower lip and he could feel she was nervous. "I actually don't know why I'm doing this because I'm still self-conscious about it and I like you and I want you to like me but this may disgust you and…"
"Olivia," he placed his hands on her hips and stopped her body from trembling, "nothing about you could ever disgust me."
She took a deep breath as she let her white button down shirt hit the floor. "This," she pointed to a mark right above her pants, "is a cigarette burn. And this," she moved her hand upwards, "is a trail of those burns. And here," she placed her hand right under her left breast, "is a knife cut."
Voight didn't say a word. He placed his lips softly against the first burn mark and kissed it gently. Without his lips leaving her skin, he kissed along the trail of burns feeling the roughness. He looked up at her before going any further. That was when he kissed the scar underneath her breast and felt her body shiver under his touch. "Olivia Benson, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on."
"I am not."
Hank stood up still holding onto her waist. "You are. These marks to you may be a remainder of what he did. To me they are proof of how strong you are. You are a survivor, Olivia. And this," he traced the marks on her body with his fingertips, "don't change how I feel about you." He pulled her in closer to him and kissed her soft lips. At first, it was tender but then both of them allowed the passion to take over.
[present time]
"Yes, but she is stronger than she believes so I know it will all be in the past one day."
"Does she talk to you about it?"
"Sometimes. After what happened a few weeks ago, with that Joe guy who held her hostage, she brought up Lewis again."
"And what did she say?"
"That is none of your business."
"Hank, please! I want to know how long it will take for me to forget Yates."
"Every experience is different, Erin. Every person is different. Olivia has her healing process and you will have yours."
"What if I can't get over it?"
"I'll be here every step of the way. And, like she said, her phone is always on."
"I'm glad we met her."
"Me too," without realizing it, he was smiling at the thought of the woman who had stolen his heart.
"Is it time for my question now?"
"Wasn't that what you were doing all this time?"
"You know what I mean, Hank. We had a deal."
"A deal is a deal. Ask wisely."
"Do you love her?"
"Love is a really big word."
"It actually isn't. It has four letters, not so big. Answer the question, Hank."
"I do. I think I've loved her since she threatened to arrest me."
"Yeah, no one could push you down like that." Erin laughed remembering the story he had told her about the first time they had met Olivia Benson. "But I'm glad you do. I'm happy after all these years you've found someone."
"I never thought I would."
"Believe me, neither did I. Camille was so special and unique. I never thought you would give your heart to someone new."
"But I did."
"You know, Camille would have liked her." Erin said as she stood up to leave his office.
"I know."
"You won't let her go, right?"
"As long as she keeps me."
"I have a feeling she will."
He watched Erin close the door and his mind went from Camille to Olivia. Before she died, his wife had made him promise that he wouldn't spend the rest of his life alone. In that moment, he hadn't wanted to think about other women or being with anyone else. He hadn't wanted to think about loving another person again. About opening up to someone and letting them into his life. In his mind and in his heart, Camille would always be the one he loved, the one he belonged to. He couldn't imagine another woman making him feel the way she did. Putting his feet on the ground like she did. Challenging him like she did. Pointing out when he was wrong like she did. But he had been wrong.
When he least expected it, Olivia Benson had popped into his life and turned it upside down. She was a match to him. She wasn't intimidated by him. She would stand up to him. She knew how to calm him down. She could understand what he was feeling better than anyone else –sometimes even better than him–. She knew his weakness and his strength. She had learned to love him the way he was. She had changed his world. Ever since their first case together, Hank had lowered his violence knowing how it bothered her. Yes, he continued to make use of some of his methods but there were certain lines he no longer crossed because of her. Erin was right. He did like her. He loved her. And, yes, he did wish she was there more often because having her around made everything better. They both seemed calmer around each other. But above all, he wished she was around more often so she could feel his love. If there was one thing Oliva needed, it was to feel loved.
What made him realize how much he loved her? The fact that he trusted her with his family. He would always talk about Justin and his grandson when they spoke on the phone. If by any chance he had forgotten to mention them, she would be the one asking. She told him she wanted to meet both of them soon. And when it came to Erin, Olivia was mama bear. He could see how much she cared about the younger woman and he loved her more for that. She was his family now. She was their family. And so was Noah.
"Well, hello stranger." Olivia said as she answered his Skype call. "I thought you were calling me not skyping me."
"I wanted to see that smiling face."
"Oh, are we back on those days?"
"What can I say? It was the first thing I noticed about you."
"I hadn't even smiled those days."
"Yes, you had. You were talking to your babysitter and she put Noah on the phone. The brightest smile appeared on your face."
"Were you spying on me, Sergeant Voight?" She grinned and raised her eyebrow at him.
"Don't flatter yourself, Benson. You had just threatened to arrest me so I had to see what I was up against."
She threw her head back as she laughed and he could feel his heart skipping a beat. "You will never let that go, won't you?"
"We will be eighty years old and I will still remind you of that day."
"Are you planning on growing old with me?"
"What if I am?"
All Olivia could do was smile. Everything was new to her. She had dated other men and even dreamed of a future with one or two. Yet she had never dreamed of finding someone like Hank –who had a life of his own and a family– willing to spend the rest of his life with her. She had come to the realization that she had never been with someone like him. Voight would always put her first. What she thought, what she believed in, was important to him. He cared about what she thought of him. He cared about her feelings. He cared about her job. He cared about Noah. He cared about her happiness. Somehow, he had shown up in her life when she needed him the most.
"I think you'll get tired of me before that."
"I could never get tired of you."
"Given the fact that I basically just left Chicago and you wanted to see my face, I think I believe you."
"I wanted to see your face when I asked you something."
"Okay," she sat up straight on the couch. "Go ahead."
"How are you doing?"
"This is why you wanted to see my face?"
"Yes because when we are on the phone you say fine and I have to pretend I believe you. This way you can't hide from me."
She knew Hank was right but she hated that question more than anything. Olivia never knew how to answer. It didn't feel right to say "I'm doing like shit and I have no idea what I'm doing". That was why she always went with "I'm fine". That was the easy answer. She wasn't fully lying and she didn't have to explain the dark thoughts on her mind. Except, this was Voight. She loved him, why couldn't she be honest? She was afraid he would hear how messed up she was and walk away. But, what if he didn't? What if telling him the truth helped her feel better? What if she was honest?
"I'm doing like shit and I have no idea what I'm doing. There are days in which I wake up and feel like everything will be okay but a flashback hits me. Or I wake up sweating in the middle of the night because of the nightmares." Olivia shook her head as the last words left her mouth. "I'm sorry. I don't want to be a burden."
"A burden? Benson, you will never, could never, be a burden. If I ask, it is because I care."
"I know you do, Hank. It's just that…" She stopped talking.
"That what?"
"That sometimes I'm the one who doesn't care."
"Then on those days you let me care for both of us. But you have to let me know."
"It's hard with the distance."
"What would you want me to do? Would you want me to come out to New York?"
"It's like you said. I wish I was there more often. Or you were here more often. I don't know. When I'm around you, life seems easier. In your presence," she reached out to touch his face on the screen and he did the same thing, "I feel at peace. As if William Lewis had never robbed a part of me. You make me feel like myself again."
Voight understood she was opening up to him and he knew how hard it was for her. He cursed the miles between them and wished he could hold her that night. It hurt him to hear the words come out of her mouth, "As if William Lewis had never robbed a part of me", and all he wanted to do was reassure her that Lewis hadn't completely robbed her of life. Still, no matter what he said, it would never feel like it was enough to make her see how strong she was.
"Do you realize that is the first time you have ever said that out loud?" He saw her nod with tears in her eyes. "You have already come so far, Olivia. Remember the first time we slept together. How disgusted you fell at your own body. That isn't the woman I slept with the other night. You weren't trying to hide. You felt so comfortable in your skin that you didn't turn off the lights or covered your body with the sheets."
"That's a small thing."
"What? No, it is a huge thing. And, even if you consider it small, it's the details that make the difference."
"Who are you and what have you done to "what happens in the box stays in the box" Henry Voight?"
"I am the same man who is madly in love with you and wishes you could see yourself through my eyes."
"That is the first time you've said it."
"Said what?"
"That you are in love with me."
"No it isn't."
"Oh yes." Olivia smiled like she did the first time she was in Chicago. "You've said you love me but never before have you said you are in love with me."
"Well, now you know it."
"You are in luck, Sergeant because I am in love with you too."
"How could you not?"
"Cocky much?"
Hank laughed thinking about how much he loved her. "How did you find Noah?"
"I swear this boy grows by the minute. He was happy to see me and Lucy said he behaved while I was gone."
"Of course he did. Mama Benson taught him how to properly behave."
"She did," Olivia said as she laughed. "How are Justin and your grandson doing?"
"Both doing good. I talked to him this morning and they are coming to visit in a few weeks."
"That sounds great, Hank."
"Maybe you could come over."
"Could I bring Noah?"
"Yes. I think it's about time the family got all together."
"Let me know the dates and I will buy the airplane tickets."
"Thank you."
"Don't even," she raised her eyebrow at him. "How's Erin, by the way?"
"As well as one could expect her to be. She did say her conversation with you helped her so thank you for that."
"She is your daughter. It was the least I could do."
"Thank you for taking care of her as if she were your own."
Olivia felt the tears in her eyes but before she could say anything, she heard Noah crying for her. "Mama duty calls. Raincheck?"
"Yes, call me tomorrow."
"I will. I love you, Hank."
"I love you too, Olivia."
As she walked to Noah's bedroom, she felt things were going to be okay. She wouldn't feel better the next morning but she knew she was getting closer to that day. Hank made her feel strong again and she knew that with his love there was nothing she couldn't do.
"Mama is here," she said as she picked him up from his crib. "Guess what? We'll be seeing pops Hank in a few weeks. And you'll be meeting Erin and Justin and his son." She pressed her lips to her son's forehead as she said, "our family."
