Dancing Alone

Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight
You're free to leave me, but just don't deceive me
And please believe me when I say I love you

He tried not to think about it. At first he thought that it was a nightmare, but no, he was wrong, this was really happening. He closed his eyes again, but those images appeared. He wanted to forget them. In some way he knew that that would be impossible, he would have to learn to live with that, even if the was the most painful thing he had to do. They made clear that they weren't going to change their decision of being together after seeing his reaction. Yes, his reaction was the most important one.

After all, he and Rachel had a huge history and it didn't start when she appeared in a wedding dress the day of her wedding with Barry. It started when Ross first laid his eyes on her, when he first started to imagine his life with her. And that happened a lot of years ago. Whoever said that they didn't have a story behind, it's because they didn't know them. And Joey did know them.

He knew Ross' feelings for Rachel; he knew how he wanted to be with her and how he imagined their lives together. But since Rachel started living with him things changed little by little. First, when Rachel got pregnant with Ross' baby and Joey told him that he was in love with her. How could he possibly think that he would be OK with that? He was in love with his Rachel, his only Rachel, the only one that could love Rachel was Ross, not Joey. He was the womanizer, the guy that sleeps with women one night and doesn't call them the next morning, even if he promised them.

Ross knew that Joey didn't deserve Rachel. But if he started to think, did Rachel deserve him? They went out for a year and he knew that she didn't love anyone the way she loved him. But it seemed that that wasn't enough for Ross and cheated on her. Even nowadays he regrets what happened that night and she should know that if he could go back to that night, he would change everything. She should know…

But she didn't know and now she wasn't with Ross. They hadn't been together for a long time now. A long time for him, in which he tried to get over her and failed. He failed because she was always there, to remind him that no Mona, no Emily would replace her in his heart. And she was good at that. He would always come back to her, he was weak around her and she knows that. She knows him and she knows how to use his weakness. Until today he knew that she would use him as that whenever she wanted. Until today he wasn't aware of what was happening. It felt like he was born today, he woke up today from a dream and entered to live a nightmare.

He somehow knew that it would be impossible for him to forget that day, when he discovered that he'd been in a bubble and was blind enough for not seeing what was happening around him. He felt like he'd been cheated. Funny how in the past he was the one who cheated, but now it was the other way around. He felt cheated by Rachel. Not only Rachel, also by Joey too.

They betrayed him.

He walked through the familiar stairs with Emma in one of his arms and her bag in the other one. He thought about visiting Monica, but he knew that Emma missed Rachel so he decided that he would leave her with her mommy first and then he would visit his little sister. He walked through the door without knocking, after all this years they came used to it.

When he entered the apartment there wasn't anyone there. This seemed kind of strange to Ross, because he expected to find Rachel reading on of her fashion magazines in the counter, but instead he found an empty apartment. Suddenly, Joey emerged from his room. He was rubbing his eyes, so Ross thought that he just woke up.

"Hey Joey" He greeted him.

"Hello Ross" His reply was a quiet one, as he was afraid of talking to him.

"I'm going to put Emma in her and Rachel's room" He said Ross as he headed to the room.

When he entered there he found a very neat room. He knew that today was Rachel's day off from work and he also knew that in her days off, she didn't use to make her bed. He sensed something different in the air, because Rachel was nowhere to be found and it seemed like she didn't sleep in her room. Did she have a date last night? He couldn't remember her telling him about a date. He left Emma in her crib and left the bag in Rachel's bed, before going to the living room.

Joey still stood there, very close to his bedroom door, as if he was trying to hide something. But Ross failed to notice that, he was still thinking of where Rachel could be.

"Joey, why is Rachel's bed-" He stopped talking when he saw Rachel emerging from Joey's bedroom.

"Good morning Ross"

Ross was lost in his thoughts. Well, he wasn't lost because in that moment he wasn't even able to think. He couldn't process what he just saw. He blinked a few times, trying to understand what was going on in front of him. Did Rachel just emerge from Joey's bedroom? What was she doing there?

Rachel and Joey both dreaded of this day. They knew that Ross wouldn't take the news very good; hell, the reaction he had right now was better than they expected. But somehow they knew that he would explode any moment. He had all the right to do that, to act like a crazy person, but he remained quiet. He remained looking at them with a surprise look, he was trying to explain himself why he was in that position.

"Ross, we know that we need to explain this to you, but what you're seeing is true, we're together…" Rachel started talking softly, trying to explain the news to him as gentle as possible. Because she was sorry, she was sorry for Ross, she didn't plan for this, but it happened and now there wasn't a way of saying that it didn't happen.

"Ross we will understand if you get mad at us, it's totally normal, but we would like to talk to you, to tell you how it happened…" Joey said, afraid now of the uncomfortable situation that was surrounding them.

But Ross wouldn't move for a while. He was still looking at them and still he couldn't understand what was happening there. He needed to know why Rachel and Joey were together, but he didn't want to hear anything about it. What did she see in him? He thought that Rachel still loved him. Didn't she tell him how she would never forget what they use to have? Apparently that was out of her thoughts now. She did forget about him and he wasn't going to accept that.

He wanted to punch Joey. He really wanted to, but that didn't seem the king of thing to do to show Rachel how much she meant to him. Because now he admitted to himself: he still loved her, very deeply. Having Emma only made it clear to him every day that he was almost living his dream. He always wanted to have a family with Rachel. They had the child now, he only needed her. And he was going to show her what she had lost by being with Joey, she was going to regret calling him a cheater, she would regret it every day of her life.

So instead of saying something, anything that would make them know what was he thinking, he just left. He left as fast as he could. He left because he realized that being in the same room with them it would only make him sick. They made him sick, sick of being in this world and not having the only thing he wanted to have. Everything he ever wanted was now in Joey's hand, she was in his possession.

He arrived to his apartment and locked the door. He would need time to think. He knew it would be difficult, that maybe it would be the hardest thing he would ever have to do, but he had to. He deserved it and Rachel deserved it. He would think and then she would regret. Yes, that was his plan. Now he had a plan.

As he remembered that he realized that he didn't even made a plan. He'd been locked in his apartment for days now. He didn't talk to anyone of his friends, not even his sisters. He'd been alone for days. He hadn't had contact with the life outside his apartment. He disconnected the telephone the second he arrived to his apartment. If he had to think he didn't need anyone telling him how sorry they were now that Rachel and Joey were together. They would never understand how he felt in that same moment and there wasn't a word to describe it. The only one who could change what he was feeling was Rachel. She was the only one who would change his situation, but he knew that that would be impossible, so no one could help him.

He looked around his apartment to see how messy it was. Realizing this he thought of how he must look. He had been locked in his apartment for days now and he hadn't seen a soul, not even his children. He thought of Ben, of how he was becoming the man Ross always wished he would. He thought of Emma, of how the relationship of her mother and Joey would affect her. She lived with them and that hurt Ross. That meant that Joey would live more with Emma. He was the first one who felt how she kicked for the first time. That hurt him and also hurt him to know that when she was pregnant with his baby, he felt in love with her.

Just weeks ago, they were talking about how Ross imagined his future with a new baby. Of how he wanted a wife and a family. Joey had been there, listening to him, listening to every word and also giving him advices. And then, just a few weeks later he tells him that he's in love with her. He told Joey that he wasn't mad, but the truth is that inside he was burning. He couldn't bear with the thought of Joey being with Rachel and look now, here he was, hiding from them so that he wouldn't see them together.

Of course that it hurt him to see them together. He never did such a difficult thing. But he couldn't stay all his life locked in his apartment. He had to continue, maybe not for him, but for his children. Now Emma had a stepdad… Tears fell from his eyes. He even considered of giving up, thinking of the most extreme choices, but then he would think again and try to think of something new. If he had to move on, he had to start now. And he would start by facing Rachel. He had to talk to her, see her point of view of her relationship and who knows, maybe still there was a little room for him in her heart.

He got up from the couch and went to the bathroom. He knew that he was headed to a very difficult talk with Rachel and a long shower would calm him a little bit. He dressed up and left his apartment. When he stepped out to the street he felt like a strange man in a strange city. Being in his apartment for days and alone clearly didn't do any good to him.

With decided steps he crossed the street and entered in the familiar building. As he was walking to the stairs he couldn't help but remember the last time he'd been there and how it changed his life. He stopped in front of the door of the apartment 19, afraid of opening it, not wanting to know who was inside or what were they doing it. He took some courage from somewhere inside him and placed his hand in the doorknob and open it.

Rachel was, as always, reading a fashion magazine on the counter. When she saw who walked to the apartment, she didn't expect that. She hadn't seen him in days. The truth is that she didn't even call him to know what he was feeling, she wouldn't know what to tell him. But now he was in front of her and she knew that in some moment one of them would have to start talking.

"Hello" His voice was soft.

"Hey"

There was an awkward silence between them. What were they supposed to say now?

"If you are here to take Emma, she's sleeping, I just put her on her bed, but once she wakes up I can take her to your apartment if you want"

"Oh, yeah, thank you, but that's not why I'm here"

"No? Then what do you want?" She was afraid of what he was going to tell her next, because she could see this coming, he was here because he wanted to talk and she wasn't ready for that. For a moment she wondered if he was ready for that too, she could tell that this was very hard for him.

"I came here to talk with you… you know… about you and…"

"Me and Joey?"

"Yeah…"

"And what do you want to know?"

"I don't know what I want to know and what I don't. I guess that you could tell me how this started? I didn't expect to come here and find you… you know…"

"I know. We didn't expect you to come either, so in a way it was a surprise for all of us." She tried to smile, but failed when he saw the look he had. He was devastated. His eyes looked different, they didn't have that sparkle they used to have when they were lovers.

He didn't say anything for a while. She could tell that he was waiting for her to say something more.

"Um.. about what happened between Joey and I, well, it just happened. One day he had a terrible date and he arrived home very sad. I was watching TV and we started talking about how we wanted a relationship that could have a future. It wasn't a plan, but as I told you, it happened. We talked a lot and started thinking in what it would be if we got together. You know how when I was pregnant with Emma, well, he had these feelings and well, lately I have to recognize that I started looking at him differently. And well… we decided to take that to another level."

"I see. So you just decided to take it to another level? That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it. We wanted to know if we could work as a couple." By the tone she used to say this Ross could already sense that she didn't like his question.

"I'm sorry if I'm making a lot of questions, it's just that, well… this is hard for me, to believe that you could fall in love with Joey."

"And why wouldn't I fall in love with him?" She certainly wasn't liking his comments, she was getting more angry by the moment.

"I don't know. Joey doesn't seem your type and let's face it, he has never had a relationship that lasted more than a week…"

"Well, we've been together for a month now, so I guess with me he's different."

"You've been with him for a month? Why didn't you say something sooner?" Now he was the one who was getting angry, they've been together for a month and he didn't know anything. Knowing it sooner wouldn't make him happier for them, but, ugh, he was so angry with them that he could blame them for all the pain he was suffering. After all it was their fault…

"We wanted to keep things to ourselves for a while and Ross who do you think you are to talk to me like this?"

"Who I am? I'm the man who's been in love with you for like all his life. The man who thought that was going to be with you forever. The man that thought that his best friend would never fall in love with the love of his life. The man that has a daughter with you. Do you want more or I can stop here?" His temper was rising and now nothing was stopping him. If this was the last chance he had to tell Rachel about his feelings, then he would say everything he had in mind.

"Ross all of that doesn't matter anymore, okay? You can't come here thinking that I'm yours. I am a free woman, I can do whatever I want and I can fall in love with whoever I want."

"You in love with Joey?"

"Yes, I am. He's giving me what I thought that no man could give me and he's willing to give me whatever I want."

"And do you think that I wouldn't give you everything you deserve?"

"Well, since you slept with that copy place girl, yes Ross, I really thought that you would give me everything I wanted" She told him sarcastically.

"You're being very unfair to me Rachel. You know very well that I didn't sleep with Chloe on purpose. I was drunk and totally lost because you called that break. I thought that I lost you, okay? I didn't know what to do and I wasn't even aware of what happened while I was with her. I could only think about you…"

"Ross, you think that all this sweet words change what happened. It only makes everything worse. You're reminding me of one of the worst night of my life and please, don't say anything more okay? You're not going to change the past."

"Don't say that Rachel. You meant everything to me and you still do. What's more, I love you. I loved you since a long time now and nothing is going to stop that. I loved you in the past, I love you now and I will love you forever. So you can accept that or not, but it's the truth."

"Ross you can't come here to tell me that you love me. I don't feel the same and start to accept that you and I are never going to happen, not again. I don't want to feel all the hurt I felt with you. It's too much for me and you should try to move on Ross. There's no reason of trying anymore, accept it, there's no going to be "us" anymore…" Rachel could feel her eyes tearing. It was painful to her too to say goodbye to him. He had been a very important person to her, but now she had other preferences and he was only her daughter father and her friend, nothing more.

"Rachel I can't believe you're baling on us again. You did it years ago and you're doing it again now. I love you, both you and Emma and I don't want to spend the rest of my life watching you with Joey. It's too painful for me. I want to be with you and I'm not going to stop until I get you."

"Again Ross, I'm not yours anymore, I'm not a toy. I'm with Joey now and I'm happy. I would never think that I would feel this way about him after us, but I do and I don't want to change a thing."

"I can't believe you're saying that…" He was speechless. After all he did a lot of thinking these days and he really thought that what she felt about Joey was nothing serious, but now he was regretting this. He shouldn't have come here. He should have stayed locked in his apartment forever and that way he wouldn't have to hear everything she's telling him now.

"Believe it or not, it's why I feel Ross and you can't do anything."

"Okay.." It was clear that every word he would say wouldn't change her mind, so if words didn't make an effect on her then movements would do. He tried to approach her, very slowly. She could feel what he was up to and in some way she wanted to push him away, but she wanted to see how far he wanted to go, how far he was going to go. He continued to get closer to her, she could already feel his hot breath against her cheek and his look was focused on her lips. She looked at his lips too and thought about his kisses, about how he used to kiss her with such tenderness and always made her feel so special. Sure Joey's kisses weren't the same, but she was going to get used to it, she had to…

Finally, he placed his hand on her hips and very slowly, while he closed his eyes, he put his lips against hers. The touch was soft, as always. They didn't make it further because in a matter of seconds Rachel pulled away. She knew that this was wrong and she didn't want to give him hopes. When she looked at him she knew that he was disappointed that she broke the kiss and he was afraid of looking at her. So without eyeing her more, he turned and left from the apartment. As he closed the door Rachel brought her fingers to her lips, not wanting to forget their last kiss…

All the way to his apartment, he thought about his future. He only had to cross the street to reach his apartment, but what he thought in that time would change his life. If Rachel was going to be with Joey then he had no other choice than to accept that. But he couldn't watch them together, it was something that couldn't bear. So he thought that the best thing would be to leave them behind. If he had to move on from her, then that it would be easier if he did it away from her. He decided to accept that job offer they gave to him weeks ago.

Now he was sure. He was going to start a new life and it would be away from her. He would leave his children too, he thought of that, but there was no choice. After calling some people, he started packing, if he had to do this, he had to do it as soon as possible. He packed the most essential things he would need and he went to the living room. He took a seat on the couch and took a paper and a pen. He started to write a letter to Monica, explaining her everything. It would be hard for him to leave her, after all she had been a great support in the last years, but he knew that she would understand.

When he finished writing, he put the paper in an envelope and took his bags. He crossed the street for the last time and he looked to the building. A building that gave him some much and now he had to learn to live without it. For the last time he went up to those stairs and while he was between the doors to the apartments 19 and 20 he remembered lots of memories he had. He remembered how all started and how he was finishing with this era. He took the envelope from his pocket and placed it near the door. He took one last look at those doors that gave him so much and walked to the stairs.

He was saying goodbye to a very important era. He had good times and bad times and from now on he would start a new era. He would try to forget what he had to forget and would start to have new memories. Memories that didn't include his best friends, his children or his parents. But he would do this for them and for him. Of that he was sure. He was saying goodbye, goodbye to his old life, welcome to a new life.

The End