Dear Jessie
Edited 04-28-05: Took out the lyrics.
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: All things 'Once and Again' belong to the creators of the show. Or some tv network. I don't really now. I'm sure someone owns them though. 'Dear Jessie' is a song by Madonna.
Feedback: Yes, please: Karen's little girl is growing up. But it's hard to let go of things. Especially memories.
Author's Notes: Fourth story in a series that deals with the ship between Jessie and Katie. The previous ones are (from first to last): 'Perfect In an Imperfect World', 'Near Heaven', and 'Love Is Blue'. This one is about Karen, fighting a depression, and at the same time learning new things about her daughter. Like the previous one, this story was largely inspired by a song. This time by Madonna's 'Dear Jessie'. For obvious reasons.
XXX
Love thing?
I stare after the rude girl, as she walks towards exit.
What did she mean? And why was she so rude? I was nice. I smiled. And I talked pleasantly. So, why would she...
"What was that all about?", Judy breaks my thoughts, when the girl makes it through the door.
I turn to stare at the woman behind the counter. She's a friend. A good friend. The best I have. How sad, that I have to befriend my ex-husband's new wife's sister. Not that she's a bad person! No. Judy is a great friend. But it's still weird.
And she asked me something... what was it? I see her confused expression turning into even more confused, when the silence just grows longer. I have to say something. Now, "I... I'm sorry, what did you say?", I smile and shake my head.
Judy just smiles her usual smile, and leans her elbows on the counter. I walk closer, "That girl. What was her problem?"
"I... I have no idea", I stutter out, and place my handbag on the table, "I just mentioned I was Jessie's mother and... well you heard it, right?"
Judy nods, "Weird", she says, "Who's this Katie?"
Exactly what I'd like to know. Who IS this Katie? She seems like a nice enough girl, a good friend to Jessie. But something is off. Something doesn't add up. And if everything wasn't so hazy up in my head, I'd figure it out. But this creepy wakey-dream I'm constantly in, isn't helpful. Things slip by me unnoticed. Important things. Important to other people, not to me. Nothing is important to me.
"Karen?", Judy says, with a concerned look.
"Oh! Sorry", I smile apologetically, and shake my head, "Katie's this... new friend of Jessie's", I hope.
"A friend?", Judy asks incredulously.
I get the feeling she wants to comment further, but something makes her change her mind. Instead, she just smiles again. Judy smiles a LOT, I've noticed, "Yeah", I nod, and quickly change the subject, "So, anyway... I came to ask, if you have time for coffee?", I say, and smile back, "We were supposed to go shopping with Jessie but...", damn it! I was gona change the subject, "Something came up", I finish with a mumble. Something all right. Katie again. Love thing? What on earth did the girl mean by that?
"Sure, I can take a break. It's good to be the queen", Judy answers, "We can go across the street, to that new place."
XXX
"Mom!", the little blonde girl screams, and runs down the hall, towards me, as fast as she can, "You're home!"
I quickly put away, my coat, and kneel down to sweep her into a hug, "Oof!", I grumble, when she slams into me a little too hard. Her tiny arms circle my neck, and her head digs into my shoulder, "My sweet little Jessie", I whisper quietly, and stroke her hair with my hand.
Her muffled giggles tickle my shoulder, and make me smile. I don't know what I would do without her. Just to see her shining face and hear her bright voice, are enough to make my day. Make my life.
"What've you been up to today?", I ask, when she pulls away. Her mouth is still twisted into a happy smile.
"Eli and me built a fort. Up in his room", she says after a time.
I smile and lightly mess with her hair. She laughs, and shies further away from my touch, "Where are the boys?"
"They are in the kitchen", the girl answers, and nods her head a few times, "Making coffee. Daddy's gona give me coffee!"
"Oh, he is!", I start laughing and stand up, "We'll see about that", I take a hold of the girl's hand, and place my bag on the table. Together we head towards the kitchen.
In there, we find the two coffee making men. A grown up man, who's busy filling cups, and a young boy, who is hovering at the feet of his father, "Oh, hi honey!", the man says with a smile. The man, whom I once loved. And who once loved me, "You're just in time for..."
XXX
"... coffee?", Judy finishes her sentence with the word. She's sitting across the table from me, looking worried.
Again I've missed her words. A millionth time today, "Sorry, what?", I apologize, and shake my head.
Judy keeps looking at me for a few seconds. Then she sighs, and leans back on her seat, "I asked you, if there's something wrong with the coffee", she says, and starts spinning a spoon in her own cup, "You know, cause you're not drinking it. But now I'm thinking, maybe coffee's not the problem", she stares intently at me. Boring a hole into my head.
This is why friends are so bothersome. They are always insisting on knowing what's going on. Always wanting to help. Even when I don't ask for it. I guess that's why I don't really have friends anymore. They make it so much harder to just disappear into the confines of my own mind.
"What's up, Karen? Is this still about Jessie?", she asks.
Of course it is. Deep down, everything is about Jessie. She's the last thing I have left. The only thing still connecting me to this life. Without her... There is no 'without her'.
"What do you think the girl in the shop meant?", I finally ask, after almost a minute of silence. She only stares back at me. I lift the cup to my lips, and take a small sip. The coffee's cold already, and it disgusts me, "Cold", I comment with a grimace, while placing the cup back down.
Judy sneers, "Should be. It's been sitting there for fifteen minutes, just waiting to be drunk."
"But yours isn't", I note. There's still steam rising from her cup.
The concern on the brunette's face deepens even more, "You mean to tell me... that you didn't see me getting another cup?"
Oh. Right. I do have a vague recollection of it. Don't understand how it slipped my mind like that, "O... of course I remember!", I answer, and laugh a little. Trying to make it sound like I was only kidding, "Don't be silly, Judy!"
She doesn't buy it, the disbelief is evident all over her face. But neither does she press the matter, and I'm grateful for that. Cause I really don't have any explanations for spacing out like that all the time. Other than, that I'm going out of my mind.
"What about the girl?", I ask again.
Judy seems reluctant to talk about it. Turns her eyes to the table, and purses her lips, "She seemed really hostile, even before you came in", she finally says, "I wouldn't waste too much time on her words."
Words. Exactly. Cause it's the two words that keep haunting me. Actually, just that one really. Love. Thing. What did she mean? Sure, Katie and Jessie seem awfully close these days... but love? They are really good friends, but love? And even if there is love, why would this other girl spit the word at my face, like she was telling some huge secret? I would like nothing better, than for Jessie to find a true friend. Then how come I'm so uncomfortable with this Katie thing? It's because there's more to it, than meets the eye. And I would see it, if my mind wasn't so foggy.
"Earth to Karen...?", Judy is chirping. She's leant closer again, and is waving a hand in front of me. When she sees that I'm focused again, she smiles that worried smile again, "Would you, please, just tell me what's going on?"
"It's nothing", I answer, pushing the cup away from me. No way I'm gona drink it cold, "I just haven't slept well lately. So I'm really tired", she doesn't believe me, but it's all the same. She believes enough to leave the subject alone, "So, how are things with Sam?", I ask her, more to divert the conversation away from me, than from actual interest.
XXX
"No, Eli!", I scold the boy, when he brings yet another box of corn flakes, that are ninety percent sugar and ten percent chocolate. Where's the corn in that, that's what I wanna know!
"Bring the white box!", the blonde hared girl runs after her brother this time, "Mommy wants the white box!"
I smile, and watch them go. How can a child be so obedient? How can a girl be everything I could hope for? And more. And how can I still not be satisfied? Pushing the shopping cart into motion, I start to follow my children. They've rounded the corner to the next aisle already. I do love both of them equally. But there is something about my daughter... something otherworldly. The way she shines, when she's happy. Or when she is sad, the way her sadness is overwhelming. All conquering.
I come to a stop at the start of the aisle, and turn to look down it. The girl is desperately trying to reach for the desired box of flakes, but she just isn't tall enough. Third shelf is still out of her league. The boy is standing close by, with a different box in his hands. He's staring in wonderment at his sister's attempts. Finally, when it becomes clear to him, that the girl won't give up, he takes a step closer and picks up the white box.
"Here", I can hear his disgruntled voice carry over.
The boy hands the box to his sister. I smile from the distance. I smile, because even though he sometimes can't stand his sister, I know that he loves her. I know that he wouldn't let anything hurt his sister. My daughter. The most precious girl in this world.
They turn around, and see me standing here. The girl starts running again. She runs a lot. Mostly because it's the only way to keep up with her brother.
"Mom! Is this the right one?", the girl calls from a good distance away. I'm looking past her towards my son, who's still looming by the corn flake shelves. Engrossed in studying the colorful box.
"Yes, honey. That's the one", I say and smile, "Thank you."
"Eli gave gave it to me!", she cheers on.
I accept the box when offered, and place it into the cart, "Eli!", I shout to the boy. He looks up, "Bring that one too."
XXX
I step into the house and close the door behind me. The quiet strumming of a guitar, coming from upstairs, breaks the otherwise perfect silence. Eli's here. For a change. Night shift again, I guess. Or something. Or something else. It's hard to care anymore.
I hang my coat on the rack, and try to remember what I needed to remember. There was something. A thing that needed to be done, before I can go to sleep. Dinner maybe? No, who would eat it? Dishes? There are no dishes without dinner. Vacuuming! That was it. Oh, joy of joys. That can wait. I'm too tired. Besides, who's gona notice, whether I do it or not? Eli? Yeah, sure. He'd probably suffocate in dust, if no one cleaned. I don't think I've ever heard him complain about the cleanliness of the house. Or the cleanliness of anything at all.
But Jessie's another thing all together. She cares. And she sees. So maybe I ought to clean, if just for her sake. Was she supposed to come over today? God. It's hard to remember anything, when all the days blend into one. I know they were supposed to come over in a few days. But, was it few days from today, or yesterday? Or from four days ago? Eli's here though, so maybe that's like a clue.
I startle out of my thoughts, and realize I've been standing by the door for close to ten minutes. Trying to decide whether to clean or not. The strumming has ended, and Eli's pounding down the stairs.
"Mom?", he confuses from the last steps, when he spots me hanging by the front door.
"Oh, hi, Eli!", I greet him with a smile. It's still nice to see him, if it is only for a few moments at a time.
He stops in his tracks and stares at me for a few seconds, "What are you doing?", he asks, shaking his head once.
I shake myself awake, and chuckle a little, "Nothing", I say and start to walk towards the kitchen, "Are you just visiting, or is it my turn to play the parent again?"
Eli follows me, "You got the part, mom", he says, and walks straight to the refrigerator.
"Where is Jessie then?", I ask, taking a seat at the table. It's not that I don't enjoy seeing him as much, but... oh, who am I kidding! That's exactly it. And he probably knows it, and that's probably why there's this tension between us, whenever we are together now. God, I'm a horrible, horrible mother.
"She's with...", he starts talking absentmindedly, "There's nothing to eat! Don't you ever shop anymore, mom?"
"She's with...", I don't pay any attention to his complaints. A grown man, he should be able to buy his own food.
Eli pulls out a carton of orange juice, and closes the refrigerator. He glances at me, and then picks up a glass from the shelf, "Katie", he says, and pours the juice into the glass.
Again with Katie, "Katie...", I repeat quietly, and turn my gaze away from my son.
"What are you, repeating everything I say now?", Eli says, sounding a little irritated, "Yeah, with Katie", he adds, as if he thinks I didn't believe him the first time.
"They're spending a lot of time together. Have you noticed?", I ask Eli. Maybe he has seen something that I've missed. Oh God! I'm actually relying on Eli's observation skills.
"Yeaah", he drags out the word, like he so often does. An annoying habit. There's a short pause, before he continues, "Don't tell me it's bothering you? I'd think you'd be happy, she finally has a close friend."
"No, it's not bothering me!", I turn to face him, swaying my hands a little, "It's just that...", I frown, and try to form a coherent observation from my confused thoughts, "I'd like to know a little more about Katie."
Eli shakes his head quickly, "What's to know? A teenage girl. Makes for lots of high-pitched squealing and giggling and talking about...", he shakes his head again, "Girlie stuff."
"Girlie stuff...?", I ask quietly, while grinning.
"You stop right now with the repeats! I hated it when Jessie used to do that, and I still hate it!", Eli says with mock seriousness in his voice.
I start to laugh. Maybe things aren't so bad with Eli. If we can still joke. Maybe things aren't so bad with me, if I can still laugh.
Eli grins, and heads out. Leaving me alone.
XXX
"You have to hold still, Jess", I tell her again, when she's squirming away from the cloth. She's sitting on a chair in the kitchen, and I'm kneeling in front of her. Gently I place a hand on the back of her head, and try to clean the grisly scratch on her forehead. She winces at the first contact, but I stop her from jerking her head away. She shoots an evil glare at her brother, when I pull the rag back a little, to get a better view of the now cleaner wound.
"I said I was sorry!", the boy insists again. He's standing to my left, leaning his back against the refrigerator and hugging a basketball to his stomach.
"I said I was sorry", she mimics in a whiny voice.
I pull her face back towards me, and resume the cleaning operation. She takes the pain, and refuses to let out a single complain.
"Hey! YOU crashed into ME!", he tries to reason with his sister. But I don't see him succeeding any time soon. The sister is very upset, and won't listen to reason, or accept an apology, in this state.
"Hey, you crashed into me", she repeats quietly again.
"Stop that!"
"Stop that."
"Mom, make her stop!"
"Mom make her stop."
But I won't. Cause it works as a great distraction. I give the wound one last wipe, and then lower my hand down.
"Mooom!", he gripes.
I smile at my daughter. She smiles back. It's a small smile, but a smile none the less, "Mom", she again repeats. But this time it's not to irritate her brother. It's said tenderly. And I get an overwhelming urge to hug her.
"Eli, hand me that Band-Aid", I say to him, and point at the table behind my daughter.
He obeys immediately. Normally there would've been a storm of complaints and reasons why he couldn't do it, but not now. Not when his sister is hurt, and he's to blame. Even though he really isn't to blame. Accidents happen, people bump into each other while running around, chasing a ball. But he blames himself. It's really quite adorable, how protective he is of his sister. Even when the girl sometimes drives him mad by following him everywhere. By insisting on doing everything with him.
I take the patch he's handing to me, and carefully place it on the wound. My daughter's still smiling. I plant a light kiss on the now covered scratch, and pull back, "There", I say with a smile, "All better. You can go watch tv, if you want to."
She hops down from the chair, and glances at her brother with a smug face once more, before wandering off. I turn my eyes on my son. He's still holding the ball, pressing it to his side with one hand. All ready for the scolding. But I only smile at him too, "You okay?", I ask.
He's a little taken a back. From the smile, I guess. But then manages to utter an answer, "Uhh... yeah. I am", I nod, "She really did run into me, mom. I tried to catch her before she fell..."
"It's okay, honey. I know. Just a scratch anyway", I assure him, "But you have to be careful, cause she's still so small."
"I know!", he says, "But she wants to play with me."
"And it's very nice of you to let her", I say, and stand up. He nods to me, "You go make up with her, and I'll bring you some ice-cream", I watch him go, and thank my lucky stars for two such gorgeous children. They compensate for so much other stuff.
For a loveless marriage. Not loveless. Just... different kind of love. Love comes in many different flavors.
XXX
The sound of a door banging shut startles me to reality. I find myself still sitting by the kitchen table, looking out the window. I've been here a long time. The sun is down already, and the room is dark.
"Weird... all the lights are out", Jessie's voice carries over from the hallway, "I guess no one's home", she's coming closer.
"Hey, That's great news!", it's her not-so-new best friend. I turn my head towards the doorway, "Means we have the house all to ourselves", she says just as their shadowy figures come to view.
Jessie giggles, and flips on the lights, "And what do you...", she starts to say, but stops when she sees me. Katie's standing behind her. Her arms circling my daughter. Her head snuggled to my daughter's neck, "Mom!", Jessie shrieks, and furiously disentangles herself from the other girl.
And then I know, what 'love thing' means.
tbc
