One morning Neville Longbottom woke up to the realization that he was 47 years of age and had not seen anything of the world but Hogwarts. He felt depressed.
Next to him, his once so stunningly beautiful wife farted in her sleep, just seconds before she turned towards him, revealing her several chins, no neck and layers and layers of stomach flaps. He could even see some of last night's supper stuck in there – maybe she was saving some for a famine that would never come. "Them damn Irish people" he mumbled before he got up.
Then he proceeded to get ready for work at Hogwarts. As always, he replaced most of breakfast with firewhiskey. At least he had a constant means of supply because old fatty worked at the local pub. He was just about to walk out the door when a letter lying on the floor right next to his wife's filthy cloak caught his eye. He picked it up and weighed it in his hands. It was surprisingly heavy.
Although he knew that it was none of his business and he was already late for work he took it back to the kitchen with him. He poured himself another shot of whiskey. The envelope looked kind old timey, but then again, most things in the wizarding world did.
Five minutes and five shots later he decided that he should open the envelope and check what was inside – and also that he should call in sick at work. He did not even feel bad about it, mainly because he was already really drunk and this point but also because no one gave a fuck about herbology anyways. He excitedly ripped the envelope open and a weird golden object on a thin chain slipped into his lap. Could this be a timeturner? Were they not all destroyed? He flushed the shock down with a double shot of whiskey and then set the time turner aside to investigate the remaining contents of the envelope – a letter and a nugget of gold the size of the nail on this thumb. He unfolded the letter and began to read.
Deadwood, Dakota Territory, July 26th 1876
My dearest Hannah,
Oh how I wished to rest my weary head on your voluptuous curves! The nights seemed to have grown so much colder since you left me. Do you not see that you belong here with me?
Knowing that I would never lay a hand on your soft buttocks again almost breaks my heart.
When the barber came into camp I told him about you and he sold me this item. I gave him all the gold I had produced from my claim except this little heart shaped nugget. Just like my beating heart, it belongs solely to you. If there is a way, please come back to me.
I also really miss your cooking.
I seal this letter with a million kisses and all the love in the world.
J.B.H
"What the hell?", Neville said and took another couple of shots straight from the bottle.
