I'M BACK, BITCHES! Did you miss me? Yeah, yeah. I know – WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOUY BEEN? I WAS 'BOUT READY TO FILE A MISSING PERSONS REPORT! But I'm back now, and that's what matters.

For every update, I'll be doing a fact of the day. It has nothing to do with the story, but I just love facts.

Fact of the day: Dripping water on a restrained person's forehead will drive them crazy.

I think the best way to do this story would be to just jump right in.

Disclaimer: I don't own shit.

Car accidents are never a good thing. Sure, maybe for the guy suing the bimbo doing her makeup behind the wheel of a brand new, hooker-red Porsche, but that doesn't happen all the time.

And neither does two people switching bodies. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Max, Dr. M, and I were in the family van on the way to the mall. We had left Iggy and Ella in charge of the youngins'.

Yes – I watched too many southern movies on Netflix, but that's all they seemed to suggest for Valencia Martinez. Plus, they're a wee bit addictive.

Anyway, Max and I were in the backseat, playing ERS – an addicting and painful card game; at least when playing with Max.

"Those were totally my cards!" Max yelled in my face.

"Was not!" I yelled back. "My hand's under yours!"

"Is not," she said, glaring fiercely at me.

"Is too," I said, glaring right back at her.

"Children, children," Dr. M said, and I could hear the eye roll in her voice. "Split up the cards."

Max scowled but did as told.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

She returned the childish action and we started playing cards again.

We were going to the mall for school clothes. Yeah, school, despite all of Max's ranting and raving about how we were practically committing suicide. Suicide by Mesa High School, to be exact. Ain't that name original?

Dr. M was taking only us two because it's better if everyone went separately. Since the last time we all decided to take a trip to the mall, we ended up with a clown passed out in our bathtub and a fridge full of Chinese food, it was a mutual agreement that is was for the greater good. Plus, keeping control of three teen transgenic organisms, one teenager, and three not yet teen transgenic organisms is not as easy as it may seem.

Nudge, Angel, and Gazzy went first, since they were the youngest. Then Ella and Igs went, being the lovebirds they don't realize they are. And, finally, Max and me. This must be very complicated to you uneducated folk.

And that's when it happened.

Dr. M slammed on the brakes, but not fast enough to keep from ramming into the front of a bright red Porsche. Not fast enough to keep from my and Max's heads from conking into each other. From then on, it all went black.


"Oh, she's awake!" a pretty voice said. "Sweetie, can you hear me?"

"Wah?" I slurred, my eyes opening to terribly bright lights. My eyes stung and I squeezed them shut again.

"Oh, Max!" Dr. M's voice cried and a warm hand touched my shoulder. "I'm so happy you're okay!"

I opened my eyes to slits and peered up at Dr. M's dark eyes.

"Wah?" I said again, like a babbling idiot.

Dr. M looked at something or someone I couldn't see. "Is this going to be permanent?"

"No, ma'am," the pretty voice said again. "She's probably still in shock from the accident."

Why in the fuck was everyone calling me a she? Did the mysterious accident I have no memory have castrate me or something?

"Max, Fang's going to be alright. He's still unconscious and has a big black bruise on his forehead, but he'll be fine," Dr. M said.

"Dr. M?" I croaked, opening my eyes fully. "Where are we?"

My voice sounded funny, almost girly. High pitched.

"We're in a hospital," she said, smoothing down my hair affectionately. "During the accident, you and Fang bumped heads pretty hard and passed out. The paramedics brought you here." Dr. M lowered her voice. "I've threatened anyone and everyone who has any inkling of the wings. Only two people." She bit the inside of her lip and looked worriedly down at me. "Max, honey, are you alright?"

"Why do you keep calling me Max?" I asked and sat up, about three pillows behind my back.

Dr. M looked at the nurse and then at me. "Well, that's your name."

"No," I said, scanning the room. There was a young nurse with long blond hair and pretty blue eyes. Her bangs covered her left eye.

I was eerily reminded of the nurse from Kill Bill.

"My name's-," I started, but then I saw out of the corner of my eye extremely dark hair flipping in front of tan skin.

In the bed next to me, my body was sitting up, leaning against three pillows. But I was looking at my body, and thinking this.

Yes, confusing. I am aware.

My dark eyes looked over at me, squinting. "Wah happened?" a deep voice asked, and then coughed. A very manly cough, if I do say so myself.

"Oh, Fang, you're awake," Dr. M said.

The eyes I was looking through locked onto the black almost dark brown eyes I was accustomed to seeing through.

So, what would you do in this situation? Most rational people would take a deep breath, convince themselves they were still unconscious, and go crazy.

But the flock has never been rational.

So, we do what we do best, other than fighting, eating, and sleeping and possibly snoring – we screamed bloody murder.

The nurse, who I'm calling Elle from now on, didn't know what to do. "Please, calm down! Please!"

It was no good. Trying to calm people usually ends up in more screaming.

Ah, but the powers of a mother.

Dr. M wolf whistled, having my body and I whip our heads around to face her. "That's enough," she said, glaring at my body and the one I was currently inhabiting. "You two are perfectly fine and can come home now. Now calm down and get dressed."

I nodded. My body did also.

The nurse pulled a curtain between the two beds so we could get dressed. Dr. M handed me some new clothes, and walked out into the hall. I shed the paper hospital gown and was surprised with what I was greeted with.

"Why the hell do I have tits?" I asked myself, ever so loudly. My voice was that of a teenage girl. Max's voice.

I had Max's voice. I had boobs. There was curly blond hair at my shoulders. When I licked my bottom teeth, there was a small chip in one of them. I could see the sexy body I usually inhabited through someone else's eyes.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out – only a brain sergeant. Max and I had switched bodies, and each of us had a nasty bruise on our forehead to prove it.

Well, if I can trust Dr. M and her eyesight.

Max and I finished dressing and stepped from behind the curtain.

"OK," she/he said. "Please, tell me I'm dreaming."

I walked over to her and pinched her arm.

"Ow!" Max said and slapped my hand, harder than usual.

"I guess not," I said and ran a hand through my hair. It was curly and knotted. "Ugh, have you ever heard of a comb?"

"And have you ever heard of deodorant?" she snapped back. "It's worse than dog breath."

I opened my mouth to reply, but snapped it shut when I had nothing to say back.

My face had a satisfied look and Max yelled out to the hall, "Okay, mom, we're ready!"

I looked at my face, and my eyes stared into my dark ones. "So how are we going to explain this, exactly?"

She shrugged. Well, technically, he. But the brain was very much female. "Just wing it, I guess."

I'm pretty sure the pun was intended.


Gazzy

It was the weirdest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life.

Sure, that one time when I walked in on Iggy dancing to 'I'm sexy and I know it' in front of the bedroom mirror in a speedo was a close second, but this was just out there.

Fang was sitting on the loveseat next to Max. His legs were crossed at the knees and his arms crossed over his chest. His long bangs were pulled back with a bright pink headband. Max had her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. Her legs were about the same distance apart as her elbows, and her feet were a little farther apart than her legs.

It was like Max and Fang had switched poses or something.

"OK, so let me get this straight," Ella said slowly, running a hand through her hair. "Mom, you got in a car accident, Max and Fang bumped heads and they woke up in a hospital, in the wrong bodies."

Dr. M nodded. "Yes."

"And we should probably get them back to their normal selves before school on Monday," Ella concluded, and Dr. M nodded.

"And if we don't, we won't be going to school on Monday, right?" Fang asked excitedly.

Yet again, the weirdest thing I've ever seen or heard.

Dr. M scowled at him. "No. You'll still be going to school, even if you and Fang are still in each other's bodies."

Max and Fang groaned simultaneously.

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Fang exclaimed loudly, getting a tortured look on his face.

"Yep, that's Max," Iggy said, grinning. "Now, I think I can get used to this. We don't have to switch them back."

"Yes, we do," Fang said, looking at Iggy like he was out of it.

There was silence as everyone pondered what he or she was supposed to do with the whole situation.

"Maybe you should just conk your heads together again," Nudge said with a shrug. "That is what got you into this."

Shortest thing I've ever heard from Nudge in my entire life. Seriously, I've heard her utter more when I was waking her up in the morning. At five-thirty.

Fo shizzle.

"Maybe," Angel said, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear. "Or it could just cause more damage."

Iggy snorted. "How is that possible? Cause more damage to Fang? You've lost me."

Max got up and slapped his arm, but Iggy only grinned.

"You don't hurt me anymore," he teased, sticking his tongue out at Max.

"Is that right?" she asked, and grabbed his tongue with her fingers.

"Ow, Math, lef me guh!" Iggy screamed.

"I could . . .," she said slowly, smiling sadistically. "Or I could make you blind and mute."

"Max," Dr. M warned, glaring.

"Fang," Max corrected, letting go of Iggy's tongue and sitting down next to Fang again.

"As long as you're in each other's bodies, I will call you by that name," Dr. M said sternly. "Now, Max, you're going to stay in the guys' room, and Fang, you'll stay in the girls' room."

Fang and Max nodded.

"We'll go shopping tomorrow. Now go move your things," Dr. M concluded, sighing. "And stay upstairs for a few hours . . . or a few years."

She muttered the last part, but I still caught it.


Fang

"So, what's it like?" Iggy asked, flopping down onto his rumpled bed. He picked up a baseball and threw it up in the air, catching it again.

"What's what like?" I asked, setting my box of bras, female clothes, and other "necessities" down by the foot of my bed. Like facial cleaner is a necessity. Pff.

"To have boobs," Gazzy said and sat at the end of Iggy's bed. "Duh."

"I dunno," I said, looking down at them. "I haven't had 'em for a while."

"Well, try them out!" Iggy said, the look on his face way too excited.

I shrugged. "Alright."

I then started groping myself. "Wow. They're really squishy."

"Lemme try," Iggy said, pushing himself off the bed and walking over to me.

"Alright," I said, grabbed his hands, and put them on my new boobs.

"Ooh," he said, mouth forming the perfect 'o' shape. "What is this? D-cup?"

"C, I think," I said, looking down at the twins. "Yeah, definitely C."

"Damn," Iggy said. "I could've sworn-"

And just then Max walks in, in my body. How she stayed so quiet, I may never know.

First there was a gasp. Then she looked from me to Iggy, who was asking, "Why is everybody so quiet?"

Then she got a murderous look on her face and yelled in my deep voice, "MOM! Iggy is groping me!"

And so went my day.

Alrighty all, that was chapter one of Switched, until I can come up with a better name. Because, honestly, this title really sucks.

I give all of my consideration to one person:

Brighthalk, who went over my story for me and vice versa.

I know the first chapter isn't very funny, but still. Bear with me.

To all those who are confused, Max's body is staying in the boys' room and Fang's is staying in the girls'.

The more you review, the faster I update. Teehee.

- Sanity