The Consequences that Follow
Zuko was just staring at her, and Azula wished he would say something. She hugged her arms closer to her, and if he didn't say anything soon, Azula figured she'd throw herself in a lake or something. She wiped the tears from her eyes with a trembling hand and silently pleaded with him to do more than just stand there with his mouth open. He did do something, then. He breathed.
"Please," Azula said, taking a step toward him.
"I just…I don't…" He sat down at the window and ran his fingers through his hair. "How could you do this?"
"How could I do what, Zuko?" That wasn't what she was expecting at all, but she was grateful anyway. It gave her some place to direct her anger. "I didn't ask for this to happen—"
"Why couldn't you just have said something?"
"And what good would that have done?"
Zuko looked at her, and he looked just as lost as she was. And hurt. He actually looked hurt, and for a moment, she regretted what she'd done. She willed him to suck it up, because one of them needed to be thinking clearly, and it wasn't going to be her. Everything inside her was a jumble of emotions and anxieties and fears. She pulled her hair in front of her face and sat down in the chair behind his desk. What she really needed was a good place to curl into a ball and fade into nothingness.
"I don't even understand why—"
"She's my mother!" Azula screamed. "Mine! She gave birth to me, not her, and just because Katara's the one to bring her back doesn't mean—"
"She didn't forget you," Zuko said quietly. "She's still your mom, too."
Azula snorted. Zuko didn't get it, and he would refuse to see it just because it was Katara, and in his eyes, Katara could do no wrong. Ursa was all smiles and hugs and kisses for Katara. She laughed as she called Katara daughter. She tucked Katara into bed. Azula hated seeing that, seeing someone else steal her mother, so she began avoiding them all. Sure Ursa came to spend time with her, but it was never like when Ursa was with Katara. There was always a sadness and a distance between them. Ursa didn't seem to be making moves to cross that distance, and Azula had no idea how.
Zuko was looking at the floor between his feet, and Azula was sure he'd walk out on her. If he left her, she'd have very few places to turn.
"Are you positive?"
"I went to the doctor this morning."
He was rubbing his temples. "How could you let this happen?"
Let it? Azula picked up a book at threw it at Zuko. It hit him in the shoulder, and he didn't even try to move out of the way. She knew he could have if he wanted to, and it made her even more frustrated that he didn't. He was humoring her, like a child. "I didn't let this happen, you jerk!"
"You had sex with Aang, you knew—"
Azula flew out of her chair and shot an accusatory finger at her brother. "Don't you dare judge me! You have no right. If anyone should be in this position, it's you. You and Katara were sneaking around for years, and nothing like this ever happened to you—"
"We had a few pregnancy scares—" At least he had the decency to look ashamed.
"Yeah, but what? Once or twice during the five years the two of you have been sleeping around?" She threw her hands up, the tears starting again. "I do it once, one damn time, and it was a mistake, and now look at me. I can't raise a child. I can't raise his child."
She curled up as small as she could in the chair, pulling her knees to her chest and thinking about how, in some months, she wouldn't even be able to do that. She didn't even want kids, and now she was stuck with one. And she didn't even like Aang. There were times when his voice grated on her so much that she wanted to shove a knife in her ears to escape from his relentless optimism.
"Why would you want to hurt me like that?" Zuko's voice was quiet and distant, but that might have been because she had her hands over her ears.
"It's always been about you, and I hate it."
"That's a joke, and you know it. Ozai hated me."
Azula shouldn't have been surprised. Technically, since Ozai ignored his son as much as possible, there was no way he could have known. Ozai never simply praised her. She was the better bender, Ozai said she was the better child, but it was still about Zuko.
"He'd tell me, 'Zuko may be good with swords, but you'll show him how a real bender fights,' or 'You're a good child, Azula, not like your brother.' It was always, 'You'll be better than him.' I hated you."
"What? How does that even make it about me?"
"Because he could never just love me. He made it a competition with us, and you didn't even know you were competing, you sucked ass, and you were still winning!"
"Sucked…what?"
"And don't even get me started on our mother."
She wasn't sure how soon hormones were supposed to start affecting your emotions, but Azula was pretty sure she shouldn't be feeling sadness, hate, pain, and helplessness so close together. The doctor said she was only a few weeks along. And now, she was crying again, because she couldn't tell if she was still crazy or just hormonal.
"I wished you never made me come home."
He sat on the arm of the chair, and started rubbing her back. It was the closest he'd come to her since she told him, and somehow, that made everything all right, and she started crying harder, and she didn't protest when he pulled her from the chair and squeezed her against him. He put his chin on top of her head, and his heartbeat was steady, and his was the comforting warmth of a fire after a long, cold day, but there was still a coldness deep inside her that refused to go away.
"Does anyone else know?" he whispered.
"No."
"Not even Ty Lee?"
He pulled away from her, surprised, and Azula shook her head. She'd left the doctor's, then came directly to Zuko's office. She'd stood outside his door for ten minutes, just crying and being afraid before she knocked on the door and admitted everything to him. He'd been the one who was there for her the most. Maybe it was guilt, or some weird sense of duty and responsibility that made him visit her every week while she was locked away. Whatever it was, his voice, his presence was a constant when so much around her was unstable. He'd seen her through her darkest hours, had shown her humanity when she only showed him cruelty.
If he sent her away, she'd have no one.
"Don't hate me, I'm sorry, I need you." The words came out of her in a rush, and she clung to him, because all of it was true. She didn't want him to hate her. She was sorry, because she'd been angry and hurt and wanted to make them understand her pain. She needed him because she was terrified.
He held her closer. "I don't hate you."
She wondered if he was feeling guilty, too. When he took a deep breath, she couldn't tell if it was her shaking or him. Or if they were shaking together.
"I'm sorry," she said again, only this time she couldn't stop saying it, because if she did, she was afraid he'd think she didn't mean it, and she needed him to believe her now more than anything. He was shushing her, but she couldn't stop.
"I'm here. We'll think of something."
Her sobs started to quiet down, and she wanted to believe really badly that things would be ok.
A/N: Your mileage my vary greatly on this fic. I wrote this around the same time I wrote One Mistake, and this one came because I was pissed at Aang and that damn lion turtle making everything easy for him. Originally, this was meant as a "life's not so fun, now, is it?" thing aimed at Aang, but when I started writing, I began to take it seriously. If any of my one shots become longer fics, this would be it. Depending on people's reactions. I promise I won't be mean to Aang, but I will make him human (with all that entails).
