I haven't left the house. I haven't even left the kitchen except to go to the small bathroom a few steps off from it. I'm in the same clothes I left the capitol in. What I do is sit by the fire. Stare between the unopened letters piling up on the mantel and the fire clawing its way up the chimney. I barely move from my chair. The rest of the house looms cold and empty and dark. I have no visitors –accept from Sae who visits daily to make sure I eat –and I didn't want any, without having Prim or even my mother or gale or the old non hijacked Peeta, life seemed pointless and I would much rather have had the flames swallow me on the terrible day they consumed my sisters few remains after the second explosion. There was nothing left for me here anymore, not a single reason for me to be here. It had been at least a week and yet I was no longer keeping up with any dates, there would be no point in it. Just as there was no point in anything.
It's funny how not long ago I was fighting to survive, even killing others to do so, and now, now I just wanted to give up because everything I was fighting for is gone, there's no one left I care about. I don't remember falling asleep I only remember screaming out as the faces of people who died at least in part because of me, flash through my mind; Cinna, Rue, Cato, Clove, Foxface, Thresh, Glimmer, Marvel, Madge, President Snow, Finnick, Mags, Wiress, President Coin, Boggs, so many others but most importantly my baby sister, my Prim, the girl I had swore to always protect and she was dead. Because of me.
At that moment the door opened, I didn't bother looking, It would only be Sae coming to make dinner or breakfast or lunch, I honestly didn't know what time it was, the window shutters were down, like always so there was no way for me to tell. I was wrong though, it wasn't Sae, and instead it was someone I never expected to show her face in District 12. A pair of wide set brown eyes bored into my own, trying to figure out if I'm actually looking at her and not into space. Her shaved dark hair had grown to her chin in the time I hadn't seen her.
"So are you going to say hello or just sit there like you seen a ghost." As always she was full of attitude and I had to admit that I had missed it.
"Hello Johanna." I small smile fell into place on my face, shocking the hell out of me. Maybe I just needed someone who could give me a kick in the ass and get me to wake up, which I was pretty sure what Johanna was here for.
"Oh, so you can speak. The Mockingjay has not lost her voice." I winced at her reference to me being the mocking jay as that was what started this whole charade.
"Oh get a grip girl. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and show everyone you're not going to be the next Annie." I started to get angry at her accusations.
"Why are you here?" My voice was cold, even though Johanna and I no longer hated each other, I was under no impression she liked me.
"I told you once that there was no one I cared about left and unfortunately for myself I started caring about you. So like a good friend I came here to knock this catatonic shit on the head and prepare you for Peeta's return. That and the fact the Doc said you need someone to keep an eye on you. So voila, here I am." I think that was the longest speech I ever heard her say and I couldn't get my head around most of it.
"I'm glad you're here, I really am." Then the rest of what she said hit me. "Wait? Peeta's coming back?" She rolled her eyes and let out a long sigh as she looked at me, really looked at me before bending down in front of me so she could look me in the eye, like what I used to do with Prim.
"He'll be back in a few weeks as long as he carries on getting better at the rate he has been." Her voice was soft and she looked at me with a mixture of pity and frustration.
"Oh." It was all I could say. I had mixed feeling about the whole thing, excited, nervous, hopeful, scared. I just couldn't tell which emotions were stronger.
"Okay that's it. Katniss get your lazy ass into the shower and clean yourself up, then we're going into town and you are going to get your life back in some way or another. Wallowing around isn't going to bring her back. Can you imagine what she'd say to you if she saw you like this?" I knew she was right but the point is that Prim can't see me like this because she's dead and I'll never see her again.
"She won't see me like this Johanna. You know why." The little energy I had gotten when she walked in left immediately, leaving me to sag back into the chair, a groan of frustration left her lips before she left, slamming the door behind her. She would be back because one of the few things I had learnt about Johanna was that she never gave up. My eyes drooped closed and I must have fallen back asleep because next thing I knew I was in the forest, my forest, not the games but the place I had spent time hunting in with my father and with Gale, the place I felt safest, the only place I ever used to smile. In front of me stood Prim but she wasn't how I remembered her. The skirt and blouse with the duck tail, her blonde braids, the easy smile and happy shining blue eyes were gone. In front of me was my sister with her hair loose and golden, wearing a white dress, a sad smile on her face and eyes full of pity. I felt myself land on my knees in front of her just staring up at her, as wet trails fell down my cheeks. She opened her mouth and her voice was there wrapping me in its warmth.
"Wake up Katniss. Go about your life and bring light back to the district, they miss you. Your attitude, your hard to come by smiles, your hunting, your strength, you are there Mocking Jay, even now the war is over. They need you to show them that everything will be okay."
"But it wont. Because your not here and I'm all alone and it's my entire fault. I'm sorry, so sorry." Her pale hand reached out and cupped my cheek.
"No. It's not. You have always done everything in your power to keep me safe. You're not alone. You'll never be alone, you still don't realize the effect you can have on people and I'll always be with you. Right here." She moved her hand to where my heart is and as I looked down, where my mocking jay pin was. Then her hand started to fade as did the rest of her.
"NO! PRIM! COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE ME!" I awoke screaming for my sister and finally allowed myself to break down, to let out everything I was holding inside of me, once the sadness eased it was replaced by anger and I found myself throwing anything and everything I could get my hands on. That's how Johanna found me. Screaming and throwing things before slumping to the ground. She just stood against the wall smirking.
"Well it's an improvement that's for sure." Before walking over and helping me up but instead of my legs wobbling like I expected, they were strong and supported me, my back was straight and my head was high. Dream Prim was right, I needed to stop this right now, I needed to be strong and get ready to fight my next battle. The battle of bringing my Peeta back.
"Go clean yourself up. I'll sort this mess out." She looked at the mess and sighed dramatically but she didn't really seem to mind, at least that's what her eyes showed so I did as I was told.
I found myself entranced by the amount of dirt that came off of my skin whilst I stood under the shower spray, my still sore skin ached in protest and I knew I would have to start putting the necessary creams given to me by the hospital on it. Now I actually let myself start to feel, I noticed how every muscle in me ached and I took a few of the morphling I found with the creams before changing into a clean pair of clothes. Simple hunting trousers and a black long sleeve top, I went to leave before turning back and placing my mocking jay pin over my heart and clipping the locket Peeta gave me around my neck before quickly braiding my hair. When I glanced into the mirror I almost looked normal, only the few scars and shadows under my eyes showed the torment from my past. My eyes were the most shocking though, no longer were they just unfriendly, they were cold and deadly but behind them was a glimmer of pain that no one left would notice, the only ones who could read me easily were Prim, Gale and Peeta. None were here and right now it was a good thing, I could fool the others that I was strong and well, they wouldn't know the difference and so with a newly steeled resolve I headed down the stairs ready to face the citizens of District 12.
