I own neither Harry Potter or Naruto. I, do however, own Josh, and all respective Jutsus, Techniques, and spells not owned by Rowling or Kishimoto. This is the first and only disclaimer in this piece. All further disclaimers refer to this one.
Prologue
Albus Dumbledore stood in front of the collected students and clapped his hands. "It is with great pleasure that I announce, that this year, Hogwarts will play host to the Triwizard Tournament!"
"You're joking!"
No, he hadn't been joking.
"I assure you, Mr. Weasley that I am not joking. No matter how many hammer jokes I may come across, I am not joking in this accord."
The great hall erupted back into a stream of hushed chattering, silenced a moment later by the aged wizard's glare.
"I can see that you understand what this entails. The delegations from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons will arrive on the Thirty-first of October. Also, along with them, are two… guests that will be with us for the foreseeable future. I trust that you will make them all comfortable and treat them with the respect that you would to any member of Hogwarts staff. But, it is now time for bed, and you have your lessons tomorrow. Chop Chop!"
Harry, Ron, and Hermione trod slowly up the grand staircase, avoiding the trick steps on the way up. "Isn't it a bit odd?"
Ron, who was still imagining competing in the tournament, was jerked out of his stupor. "Wha? What's odd?"
"Honestly, Ronald. Pay more attention. Dumbledore mentioned that there would be two guests coming and staying with us. I can't think of anybody but a teacher that stays here year-round. And they must be important."
"Why? I mean, there will be two delegations coming in. What difference could two people make, even if they're going to stay here?"
"Use your head." She snapped. "Usually, Dumbledore doesn't mention people unless they're important, like the new defense teacher."
"Speaking of which, did you see him? That's one freaky eye he's got!"
"He must have been in some major accident, for all those scars."
Ron snorted and shifted his weight slightly on the moving staircase. "More like a busy career. Half of Azkaban is full because of him."
"Do they all look like that?"
"Nah, just a few. But when you've been in the business as long as he has, you're bound to come away with something."
The first couple of weeks of term passed rather quickly. Moody scared the constant vigilance into them, Binns bored them right back out. Sprout had them stay stock still has they replanted enchanted sycamores, Hagrid had them running around with the skrewts.
All in all, a normal term Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
That is, until the Pre-Halloween Feast.
"How big do you reckon Durmstrang's horses are going to be?"
"If they're any bigger than these, I don't reckon that even Hagrid is going to be able to deal with them."
Dumbledore peered at his watch closely. "Ah, and if I'm not mistaken, the delegation from Durmstrang has just arrived!"
"Where!"
Lee pointed down at the lake. "The water! Look at the water!"
The creaking ship, looking like something out of a horror film, creaked to the surface, leveled off, and dropped its anchor.
The moment that Karkaroff stepped off the ship, he embraced Dumbledore in a tight hug. "Albus, my old friend."
"Igor. It's nice to see you again too. We're still waiting on two guests to arrive. Would you care to step inside for a warm-up?"
"Please. I will see you in a few minutes."
After that, everyone was silent. Everyone was thinking the same thing. One set of visitors had arrived by flying carriage. The other had arrived by an underwater ship. How could this get any more impressive?
The aged wizard peered more closely at his watch. "And our two guests should be arriving in three… two… one…"
Nothing happened. The Beauxbatons horses neighed softly in the cold breeze, Durmstrang's ship creaked as it went up and down, and students shivered as they awaited the arrivals with bated breath.
Suddenly, and without warning, a huge shaft of light dropped from the sky, right in front of the student body. Anyone who was near it scrambled away quickly, not knowing what the hell it was.
Hermione was muttering under his breath, drawing her wand. "What on earth is that?"
Before long, a huge crack sounded through the air, making everyone in the crowd but Dumbledore flinch in surprise. "That would be one of our guests arriving right now." He called, squinting up toward the source of the light.
Harry, with his seeker's eye, looked up at the source of the beam too. He wasn't too sure of it, but he could have sworn that there was a speck of silver coming down. "Hey, you guys see that?"
"See what?" Hermione, not being a quidditch player, couldn't pick out the sight.
"There's something in that shaft of light. It's way up there."
Ron squinted harder and shaded his eyes. "Yeah… Harry's right! There is something up there!"
Before long, as a few more seconds passed by, the speck got bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger still, until everyone could see it.
It was humanoid in shape, but was it human?
Two seconds later, they found out.
With last second tuck and roll, the figure landed in a strange pose, a combination of ballerina and ninja, an awkward position, with one finger pointed straight up, one toe on the ground, and his other arm extended at a ninety-degree angle, it was a strange, yet strangely satisfying pose. (A/N: Think of a Pop dancer pose mixed with the Heisman.)
When the voice came through, it was louder then anything that the crowd had ever heard, even for those who went to the quidditch world cup a few months ago.
"OH YEAH! TEN-POINT LANDING!" he shouted into the sky. "TRY TO BEAT THAT!"
There was no response for a moment, then two, then three, and just as everyone started to glance about for the other guest, Hundreds of shafts of light, each identical to the one the silver figure had just come out of.
The crowd knew what was coming and sure enough, there were soon hundreds of cracks to go with the lights, and everyone present, including Dumbledore, covered their ears to protect themselves from the noise levels.
This time, they didn't have to wait nearly as long as they did the first time. Everyone could see streaks of orange, blue, and black shooting toward the ground.
The shafts of light were not vertical, as they were with the first guest, still holding his pose as he watched. Instead, they were tilting at a forty-five degree angle…
Straight into the lake.
With an almighty splash that drenched anyone near it, the figures touched down on the surface of the lake.
Perhaps the phrase "Touched down" is too generous in this case. "Belly-flopped" would be a more appropriate thing to use, as it was on water.
When the spray finally settled, they saw hundreds of blonds holding the same, but different pose. This one was bent low to the ground, one hand just touching the water, the other stuck out at a straight angle. (A/N: Think of a turn at speed skating.)
The first figure shook heavily but managed to call out, "IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND!"
"NINE THOUSAND!" the people on the lake shouted as one.
"THIS IS MADNESS!"
"THIS! IS! SPARTA!"
The silver figure dropped his pose, and with it, the shafts of light. "Ah… nothing like a good laugh to get things started. Now… as to our mission… where are those orders?"
As Dumbledore strode forward, the man pulled out a scroll and threw it into the air, while the figures out on the lake straightened up and all went into identical poses again.
"Domo Arigato Mistua Roboto!"
While the blonds danced, the other man was still muttering. "So… an ERG… name of riddle, neutralize at all costs, help may be available! The hell is this?"
"Jack. It's good to see you again."
The stranger, 'Jack', paused in his mumblings and turned around. "Did you just call me Jack?"
"That armor… is it not you, my old friend?"
We, of course, know that it is not Jack. However, Dumbledore had no way of knowing that. "You know, Albus, this is what happens when you go home. I don't see you since before my training, and you've shriveled up."
He took off his helmet, shaking his hair loose. "No, the answer is, I am not my father, no matter how much I may look or sound like him. I doubt you remember me. I'm Jack's son. Josh. And that over there is Naruto Uzumaki."
"YOU KNOW IT'S THRILLER… THRILLER NIGHT!"
Dumbledore drooped slightly. "Mr. Zhang…"
"Um, yeah. That's, ah… not my last name."
He blinked. "But that was your father's-"
"Yeah… and there's the problem. Both of my parents were powerful. You should know. Well, my dad, at any rate. You never did meet my mom, did you?"
"No, and I don't think that this is the right place for such a conversation. I must warn you now. Gossip spreads in this school faster than that greased pig you sent out on our quarters years ago. Anything you say will be across the school before we get back to the castle."
For the first time, Josh looked around. "Goddamnit." He swore. "I've heard of jumping from a fire and into a frying pan, but this is ridiculous."
"I can see that you've grown up well."
The brunette didn't bother to respond. He was never one to pass up a free meal. Food got expensive when you ate in the quantities that Guardians consumed.
Not getting any response, he turned to Naruto, who was nursing a bowl of his favorite ramen. "Now, Naruto. How should I put this… what are you? I mean, outside a guardian."
The blond didn't waste any time responding. He stood up, formed his favorite seal, and in the space of a blink, was shouting/singing at the top of his lungs, "I'M A NINJA! I'M A NINJA! I'M A NIN-NIN-NIN-NIN-NIN-NIN-NIN-"
POW!
Josh's fist collided with the side of Naruto's gleeful face, sending him twisting through the doors of the great hall and halfway down the corridor to the potions classroom. "Hot damn, he's annoying. Sorry, Albus. He's just excited to be on a job that he's going to be paid for again."
"Yes… quite, ah, enthusiastic." Dumbledore replied weakly.
"Can't blame him entirely though." The silver guardian looked thoughtful as he said this, watching Naruto run back into the hall, hands raised in victory, cheered on by Fred and George Weasley. "He grew up without any money, on the streets until he was seven, when his Kage finally got through the village council and rented him an apartment. I think he's just ready to make his wallet fat again."
"Indeed. Are you sure he's a ninja? His jumpsuit is orange…"
Josh nodded through his fifth steak. "Yeah. At first, I didn't believe it either. But if you ever see him in combat, he'll go ninja on you. He likes his big flashy energy attacks as much as the next man. In fact, his nickname is named after one of those attacks. But he's not bad at silent assassinations. Could be better, but he's still a low-rank ninja back home."
"This is quite a thing to digest. Do you know what happened to your father?"
The brunette shook his head, swallowing a mouthful of wine. "No. All they found was his armor, weapons, and a couple of odd possessions. No blood, no body, no energy traces. It's like something swooped out of the sky and ate him whole."
"You've been trained well as well. No emotions?"
The guardian shook his head as he tore into a dinner roll. "No. Just suppressed. I'm better at it then my partner, though. He's always had a loose handle on his emotions."
"From what I recall, that's not a good thing."
"No," he agreed. "It's not. In fact, it's a really bad thing. Considering what he has inside him."
The younger man leaned over and whispered something into his older counterpart's ears, causing the latter to flinch and pale slightly. "Are you sure it's wise to let him stay here?"
"Yeah…" Josh grinned into a steak and kidney pie. "He's perfectly harmless unless someone-"
"Hey! Freak!"
"-Insults him." He finished with a resigned sigh. "Why did I know that one was coming?"
Dumbledore's eye twinkled. "Mr. Malfoy has always had a rather sharp and quick tongue."
"Well, he'd better fix it soon, or he'll be looking for a new one."
"What do you want."
The change in personality was quite disturbing to everyone who wasn't used to it. That meant that everybody but Josh, and Dumbledore to a limited degree was shocked to see how he had changed.
"Yeah, you. You're not a wizard, are you? This is Hogwarts. Muggle such as yourself should stay out!"
Naruto gingerly put down his fork, and Josh was on instant alert. "Uh oh. That's not good. He never puts down his fork unless he's finished eating, which I know he's not."
"How can you tell?"
The armored guardian turned to look at McGonagall with yet another snort. "He's only on his ninth bowl. He would usually be eating for another half hour if nobody had pissed him off."
The aforementioned individual had stood up from the staff table, wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and was now prowling toward Malfoy and his cronies.
When the headmaster opened his mouth, Josh waved it closed. "It's alright, Albus. If this gets out of hand, I'll stop it myself."
Dumbledore nodded, trusting him for the moment.
Crabbe and Goyle tried to block the blond's path, only to be thrown roughly out the opposing window, the genin hardly taking any notice.
"You got something to say to me?"
Malfoy looked the shorter kid in the face, then sneered as best has he could for someone whose bodyguards had been taken out with hardly a notice. "Yeah. Lick my shoes, you filthy muggle."
Faster then the eye could see, Naruto had a kunai at his fellow blond's throat, his free hand extended and a swirl of energy gathering at the palm. "You know… even someone as dumb as Josh knows not to piss me off. I guess I'm going to have to teach you that lesson."
Just as the ninja was about to slit his throat and send him flying, Josh suddenly phased out of existence from the staff table and reappeared between the two blonds, knocking the kunai out of Naruto's hand, and blocking the Rasengan with his forearm.
"Now, now, that's enough. It's not your place to terrorize the children."
Malfoy barely had time to breathe before the brunette grinned evilly. "That's my job."
Before anyone had much more time then to blink, Josh had unsheathed his combat knife, muttered a word in an unknown language, and cut across the top of the Slytherin's head.
Nothing happened. Everyone expected blood to be gushing from the cut by now, but no bodily fluids were expelled other then sweat.
Seemingly satisfied with his work, the guardian sheathed his combat knife, and with a smirking Naruto, headed back toward their seats at the staff table.
As they walked, Josh held up fingers, ticking one off every second. "Three… Two… One…"
The entire hall was silent, save the sound of sandals and boots against the flagstones. Then-
A huge uproar of laughter came from three of the four tables. After a quick look, it was easy to see why every Non-Slytherin was currently in the process of finding their buttocks.
Josh had not missed. He had not even come close to missing.
Malfoy was bald.
Bald, as in a basket of eggs.
The Slytherin didn't know what was going on, and why the rest of the hall was laughing at him until he looked in a spoon. He then proceeded to scream like a little girl and draw his wand.
What he didn't know was that you never attack a guardian if you're not one yourself. Either that, or you had a death wish.
"Stupefy!"
The stunner streaked though the air and struck Josh in the middle of his back. Malfoy, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, had assumed that whatever the man was wearing couldn't stop magic.
How wrong was he?
Quite wrong.
The spell pinged off the armor, ricocheting off and toward the staff table, where it bounced off a very flustered Hagrid, into the midst of a bunch of first-year Hufflepuffs, and finally hitting Argus Filch square between the eyes.
Josh froze in his tracks, slowly turning his head and grinning more evilly then any Weasley could ever hope to match. "Naruto… I do believe that we are under attack."
"You're right. Can I have some fun now?"
The brunette pulled out his sword, the camouflaged sheath perfectly blending with the back of his armor. "You can… just don't go overboard. I don't feel like rebuilding something this big today."
Naruto turned to Malfoy, his grin extending even wider. "Ready or not," he said, pulling out a double handful of kunai. "HERE I COME!"
In the blink of an eye, the Great Hall was a mess of screaming students, shouting teachers, sixty Narutos trying to attack Malfoy, Josh sitting down and calmly eating, and the clear sound of Dumbledore sighing.
"SILENCE!"
Immediately, every student in the hall stopped, with the exception of one of the Narutos, who ignored him and continued pounding on Malfoy's bruised head with a fist, rather like a person would to a stubbornly locked door.
Josh bit off the end of a turkey leg, pointing with the rest of the limb at Naruto. "I told you not to lose your temper. I reminded you time and again. And what do you do? You go and lose your temper against some kid and blow our cover."
The blond in question shrugged and finished another bowl of ramen, his eighty-fifth. "Since when have I listened to you?"
"Touché."
"And since when have you ever cared about blowing our cover, Loose-lips? You're always the one doing it."
The swordsman bristled but glazed over the insulting nickname. "It might have been useful. Since the guy we're tracking can't be detected through conventional means."
Naruto looked at him suspiciously. "What does that mean?"
"It means, dumbass, that I'm going to have to do this by hand. Alone."
The ninja threw his spoon at his partner, who deflected it with an identical one. "Oh, hell no. You're not going to leave me here. I know you. You'll just go out and smoke in your jet. I'll do the searching, you stay here."
With a raised eyebrow, he replied, "Does this involve the liberal application of Kage Bunshin and the old applecart?"
"Yeah."
"Good luck with running over water with that stuff. Besides, just like with Negi, we don't want to stand out too much. My jet blends in much better."
"Your jet is a fucking brick."
"Yeah. A brick that I can still use to beat your head in with."
As the two continued to bicker, occasionally throwing pieces of cutlery at each other, McGonagall leaned over to the headmaster. "Albus… do you really think it's wise to let them be here. Karkaroff and Maxime don't look too impressed. If Rita Skeeter gets wind of these two, we'll never see the end of mail."
The aged headmaster took a long draught from his goblet before replying in an equally low voice. "Minerva, if dear Rita catches wind of them and tried to 'interview' them, she would not live to see the morning. Guardians can have rather… violent dispositions when put on the spot and pressed for information. I, myself was like that when I was among their ranks."
"You? Violent? Albus, I've never know you to attack someone without a reason."
Dumbledore chuckled as he ducked a spoonful of mashed cranberry. "Yes, well. Rita is an amateur compared to some of the reporters I've faced in the past. There's a reason why I tend to ignore her…"
"ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, SHOOT!"
"RASENGAN!"
"Initial Guardian Art: Blazing Ice Blade!"
McGonagall flinched as shards of flaming ice whizzed past her ear. The headmaster just sat there, sipping from his goblet without a worry in the world. "Gentlemen, please! Control yourselves!"
"We are!" Josh replied with a mouthful of ham, hands grasping his sword and combat knife. "The school's still standing, isn't it?"
"Not after this one! Futon: Rasenshuriken!"
"Initial Guardian Art: Freezing Flame Blade!"
Faster then most eyes could see, the transfiguration professor had her wand out and Naruto floating around in midair. She would have had Josh doing the zero-g walk, but the spell had failed to affect him.
"Hey, let me down! If you let him go on the searching, you'll never see anything! I'll find this fable guy!"
"The name is Riddle, Naruto. How the fuck are you going to find him if you don't even know what the hell his name is? Besides, when's the last time you used the Energy Resonance Camera?"
"Two weeks ago."
"I mean use it successfully."
"Two weeks ago."
"Are you deaf?"
"Two weeks ago."
"When did I eat your ramen?"
"Two weeks ago."
"When were you born?"
"Two weeks ago."
"When did you gain a brain?"
"Two weeks ago."
"Are you sure? You still seem pretty brainless to me."
"Two weeks ago."
"Yep. Uzu's in lazy mode. Again."
"Two weeks ago."
"Fuck that. I think he's broken."
"Two weeks ago."
"Definitely broken."
"Two weeks-"
POW!
"There. All better."
This time, instead of sending Naruto through the double doors at the end of the hall, Josh had opted for a quicker method, punching a Naruto-shaped hole in the side of the castle instead.
"Did you really have to do that?"
Everyone, especially Madam Pomfrey, was amazed to see Naruto pull his way back into the hall, knocking loose even more masonry. "Sorry about that. Uzu just needed to be let out. Apparently, he doesn't like to be around children."
"Is that why-"
"Yeah…"
The brunette shrugged and returned to his lamb chops with gusto. "I can't believe you didn't know… he is part of you, after all."
"Yeah, right… now, where were we again?"
With another flick of her wand, McGonagall had Naruto floating in the great hall again, struggling to get free and shouting curses that made even Moody look twice. "LET ME DOWN, GODDAMNIT! LET ME THE FUCK DOWN!" I would write more, but the rest is unprintable in good faith.
"I will not." She said firmly. "Unless you can behave yourself."
Josh was slightly unnerved, fingering the lining of his helmet. "Uh, lady? You might want to put him down. Like right now."
"And why, may I ask, should I do that?"
The brunette pointed with a partially devoured saltine cracker that had been appropriated from a nearby tray. "'Cuz I didn't start the fire."
With a yelp, Naruto drifted into the candles, setting his jumpsuit and hair alight. "OW! HOT! HOT! HOT! CRAZY LADY, PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!"
The Deputy Headmistress lowered her wand, and Naruto fell to the flagstones in a heap, only to jump back up and run around, almost setting several third-year Ravenclaws alight.
Before Josh could dump a pitcher of water over him, Naruto took the initiative, formed several seals, and blasted his upper torso with a torrent of water that also hit a feebly stirring Argus Filch, who promptly went comatose again.
"Goddamnit, lady! What the hell?" He formed three seals, the fire on his head extinguished, but not in his eyes. "Raiton-"
The silver guardian spat out a mouthful of water, looking frantic. "Wait, Naruto! Water-"
"Raikiri!"
With the collective sparks flowing, the blond tried to take a step. But before he could, ten thousand volts of electricity coursed through the water in his hair, clothes, floor, and nearby students."
"Conducts… electricity… and he calls himself an Ancient Elemental Master?"
After Josh had checked the students to make sure none of them had received permanent nerve damage, he personally escorted Naruto back to the table and sat him down, forced a pair of chopsticks into his hands, and told him to eat. Which he did. Obligingly.
"It's always one thing or another with this kid…"
McGonagall, who had been calmed down by a bemused Dumbledore, drank jerkily from a glass of firewhiskey. "I take it then, that this is nothing new to you?"
The brunette set his fork down, pushed back his plate, wiped his mouth, and slotted on his helmet, the seals making a hissing noise as they locked shut. "Who are you kidding?" he said, the voice coming through the speakers as though they weren't there. "Every single time we go on a mission of any sort, he always causes some sort of trouble. Last time it was being stuck inside a hot spring full of girls that wouldn't let his older form go, which he couldn't get out of since our powers were hush-hushed on that mission. The time before that, when we were reporting directly to our higher-ups, he got into a drinking contest with Death. The time before that time, or maybe it was some other time, he mischarged one of my warheads, and the moment I go and try to use it, it fucking blows up on me, taking my arm with it. And there was a time even before that…"
As the silver guardian ranted on and on, the transfiguration teacher leaned over to Dumbledore again. "Are you sure this is normal?"
The headmaster chuckled and set down his goblet. "They're still young... The stories I could tell you… I too, had a teammate like Mr. Uzumaki, through nowhere quite as powerful, if Josh's accounts are true. By the time they're ready to retire, you'll never hear the end of it."
"Why did you give up being a guardian? With that sort of power, destroying He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would have been simple."
"It's because of my actions that Voldemort grew so powerful…"
"-And then it proceeded to gnaw my leg off. I told him to hold onto the chimera until I got the blueprints, but he let go fucking early. And don't even get me started on the time when he switched out my hip flask with one full of goddamned antifreeze-"
McGonagall gave a weird look to the guardian before continuing. "How, Albus?"
"How indeed…" The aged wizard and former guardian looked thoughtful as he stared on through the enchanted ceiling. "How did Voldemort follow me and gain the powers that even I could not…"
"Headmaster?"
"Enough of this prattling. We must get the tournament started."
With that, Dumbledore stood up and clapped his hands, causing all of the candles to go out. A few seconds later, as the crowd quieted down, there was a distinct voice, muttering, "So now he puts the damn candles out. After I nearly burn, drown, and electrocute myself to death, he puts the goddamned candles out."
The headmaster chuckled and addressed the crowd as a whole. "Now that we are all fed, watered, and thoroughly electrocuted…"
"Too true…"
Harry, Ron, and Hermione leaned inward slightly, trying to get a better view. Filch, after being jolted again, was huffily shifting a huge casket down the middle of the aisle, until Josh dropped him with a stun round out of pity. "Sorry about the bullet, man. But by the time you got here, I would have died of starvation. Comon, Naruto. Let's see what they've got there."
The two guardians phased next to the casket and after a sharp glance by the taller of the two, lifted the wooden box, and hefted it to a raised platform next to the headmaster, who nodded at them as they returned to their seats.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Ghosts and Guests, I present to you, the Goblet of Fire!"
Josh leaned over into Naruto's ear and whispered, "Whoever built that thing really has an eye for compression. That's three metric tons of hypercondensed White Oak in about two cubic feet, carved out. I wouldn't mind that guy making the hilt for my next knife…"
"You would. Jiji's calling for you."
The brunette glanced over, returned a minute nod, and phased out of the hall, only to kick the door open and bring in a second object, this one covered by a cloth. He set this down next to the flaming goblet and returned to his seat. "Fair craftsmanship. The way that they stop these things from breaking is to put more of it in a smaller space."
"Isn't that how everyone does it?"
"If you want something to survive the test of time. Oh, wait. I gotta say a few things."
"-And as to that reason, this year, there will be an Age Restriction, that is to say, that no person under the age of seventeen will be allowed to put forth their names for submission."
"That's rubbish!"
Josh snorted. "Smart man... That means he's not going to be the one dealing with all the paperwork after someone dies."
"That's correct. And the winner of the tournament will have their name passed down through history, the glory of their school, and a thousand galleon prize money!"
That set the students muttering in their midst, even temporarily abandoning the spectacular sight of the flaming goblet. As if to draw their attention back to the task at hand, Dumbledore flicked his wand and vanished the cloth covering whatever Josh had shifted up there a few seconds ago. "This is the Triwizard Cup itself. Eternal Glory awaits the person who manages to capture it. And now, before we say good night, our special guests have a few things to say."
Naruto started to stand up, but his partner waved him down. "I'll do this. Regulations state that the senior member must do this, and I'm your senior."
Grumbling, the blond sat down, muttering under his breath.
"I don't care if it's just by one class, I'm your senior!"
"Yeah, whatever, you old windbag."
The swordsman sighed and turned to look out at the sea of students, shifting slightly to acknowledge the teachers as well. "Ehem. Well, eh, we are here under the, um… eh…"
"Just read from the goddamned scroll, Josh."
Without saying anything else, the person in question flipped out a scroll, threw it into the air, and after a few complex finger movements, had it unrolling and hovering in midair. Nobody else except for Dumbledore and Naruto could even begin to decipher the contents, so they were safe. "Ah, from the Seventh Director of all Guardians, I bid you welcome. This is Official Mission J-45-GNF, assigned to the Incomplete Squad Lightning. Naruto Uzumaki and Josh (Last Name Classified) are here to locate, interrogate if possible, and neutralize the Rogue Guardian known as Tom Riddle, or his pseudonym, Lord Voldemort. We will require your assistance in this affair if possible. Note that this is an official mission, so there will be no time restrictions. Due to the fact this being a Class A mission, there will be no weapon and technique restraints, as both the Phoenix Cutter, Dragon Claw, Sacred Bunker Buster, and Silver/Orange Lightning are permitted to be used. PIIR and AM are also permitted, with the exception of NS. You will find assistance in a retired guardian upon your landing. This mission was approved by the Seventh Director and was requested by-"
Naruto leaned over at the pause, glanced at the scroll, and shot Dumbledore a withering look. "How could you, Jiji?"
"… Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Sacred Guardian, retired… Part this dimension is aware of powers, while others are not. Exercise appropriate caution. With the best of wishes, The Seventh Director… Old man, did you have any idea we were en route to our vacation when these orders dropped out of nowhere? What's one of the few things never to do to a guardian? Did you have to request us?"
Dumbledore looked down, slightly ashamed of his actions. "Yes… however, this is a true emergency. If you'll step into my office after we have dismissed, I will tell you why this mission was requested so urgently."
"You'd better, or we're leaving."
"But I made this an official mission-"
"You think we give a damn? The only difference between an official mission and a regular one is that if we fail the official one, we'll either be dead or have people on our tail. Nobody at central is stupid enough to send people after a member of The Ten and the third-ranked energy user, so we're in the clear. As for the rest of you, SCRAM!"
The hall cleared so fast that you would have thought it had been occupied by rats, not people. Josh glared at Dumbledore, who swept from the Great Hall, followed closely by the two guardians and with all of the teachers in hot pursuit.
"So let me get this straight. Riddle somehow followed you through a dimensional jump, took up residence, and learned the guardian arts, all through observing you?"
"You would be correct."
Josh glanced over at Naruto, who was busy rummaging around in a cabinet, draining bottles after a quick glance at them. "Looks like someone has finally exceeded my friend there at learning things without proper instruction."
The blond froze with a bottle of mead in one hand, the other going to the next door already. "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly as I said it, idiot."
Josh snatched the bottle hurled at him, examining it closely. "Huh… is this how you store memories, Albus? You do realize storing it outside organic containers leads to major degradation over time?"
Dumbledore stared out the window, thinking. "We're not in the central archives, Josh. They don't have to last millennia here. Glass is a much cheaper alternative to phoenix blood."
"Alright, I'll tell you what. We'll stay and accomplish the mission parameters, as long as you throw your Pensive into the deal."
"HEY! WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THIS?"
"You get to live, Naruto. Don't make me regret that bit generosity."
The teachers were dumbstruck, looking at the two teenagers as they bickered about loot. "Albus, you can't be serious." McGonagall said. "That Pensive is unique-"
"Deal."
"But-"
"If that's what it takes to gain their support for this task, then I'll willingly pay the price. And clear your mind. Single-Syllable-Syndrome can be fatal if left unabated."
"Smart man. I can see why my grandfather spoke so highly of you. And SSS is fatal?"
"If left untreated for an extended period of time, yes. Your uncle and I were once on a mission that lasted sixty years. We failed to treat some of the occupants, and they died stuttering deaths."
"Are you sure they didn't die of old age? Not everyone you meet is immortal."
"Hmm… perhaps. But that wouldn't explain how two of them only spoke in one syllable words for the rest of their lives."
Josh flicked his finger and pulled up his virtual screen. "Well, since we're doing the job now," he said, pointedly changing the subject, "I'll have to see what kind of recon we can do. If there's not enough oxygen in the atmosphere, we'll have to rely on Naruto and his Kage Bunshin, though I'd rather not."
"Why?"
"Again, with the SSS. Alright, fusing Metallic Hydrogen in an oxygen-poor atmosphere leads to extreme fusion chamber wear. As we found out the hard way, the results can be rather… catastrophic."
Dumbledore looked a mixture of curious and amused. "What happened?"
The brunette shook off his helmet and slipped on an eyepiece, looking as though he had just eaten a bushel of sour grapes. "Cruising at three hundred thousand feet, Mach twenty, and one of the secondary chambers fail, which took out the rest of the chambers, the engine, and the entire jet. I can tell you, falling that far with only the steering column for company was real fun."
Naruto, meanwhile, had cleared the cabinet of any drinkable alcohol and moved on to the basket of lemon drops on Dumbledore's desk, eating half a dozen at a time, puckering up his lips as the sour taste hit his taste buds.
"Gah! What are these?"
"Lemon Drops. They're a muggle sweet that I'm rather fond of."
"Well, they taste like bark!"
Josh didn't ever bother glancing over. "That'll be because you didn't unwrap them, idiot."
The blond spat one out and took a quick look. "Huh, well I'll be. There are wrappers on this thing?"
"As with everything else you eat, Naruto. God, I thought you had learned after you got that rubber plug backed up in your gut. Kyuubi was bitching at me to remove it for weeks before you noticed."
"Apparently not." McGonagall stated crisply. "You are thicker then Ronald Weasley, who has nothing on his mind but his next meal."
"I wouldn't go that far. Freckles, red hair, and vacant expression?"
"You would be correct."
The swordsman averted his gaze from the data stream for a second to look over at the transfiguration professor. "Naruto's an idiot when it comes to book smarts. Ranked second to last in his graduating class. He's much better at practical skills, such as learning techniques that he can't fucking control!"
The aforementioned blond had unwrapped a bowl of instant ramen and was now heating water. Pointing with the disposable chopsticks that came with every cup, he said, "So? I'd like to see you control those things!"
"I don't need a big and flashy technique to kill someone, Naruto. Tempered alloy works just fine."
He returned to his data stream, flicking his finger once in a while to get some other morsel of information, muttering random nonsensical things under his breath.
This continued on for several more minutes, with all the teachers watching, Dumbledore pacing, Naruto slurping, and Fawkes singing softly.
Just as Naruto unwrapped his sixth bowl, his partner finally stopped flicking his fingers and made a long pulling motion. "Damn. There's a lot of interference in the air… what, do you jam the airwaves here with powdered lead or something?"
"Not exactly. Magic…"
"Ah… I get it. Magic is your energy, so I would be picking up nonsensical data… All right, it looks like your world has just enough oxygen to be considered within safe limits. I'm going to be taking off after the ceremony tomorrow. Naruto, you're in charge of defending the grounds. Anything happens, tell your four-legged friend to send up a flare, and I'll be back within the hour. You and your Spam Bunshin army can hold out for that long, I hope?"
The blond snorted, taking a big bite of noodles before replying sloppily. "Flsh… hanyhon ho houl hry houl he hehoye hn how hwnty hekondh."
"For the last fucking time, don't talk with your mouth full!"
Harry was dreaming. The same dream that had been haunting him ever since the world cup. Voldemort, Pettigrew, and that unknown man talking. The flash of Avada Kedavra. The awakening.
The last Potter opened his eyes to see blue ones staring down at him, a knife of sorts held in his teeth. He then did what any regular person would have done had they woken up to a stranger standing over them wielding a knife.
He screamed and fell out of bed.
This caused a chain reaction in which every other person in the fourth-year Gryffindor fell out of bed and started brandishing their wands like so many baboons with sticks. That is, until Naruto swept around and confiscated the lot of them.
"Damn brats. Now I remember why I hate working with children."
"Children?" Seamus asked indignantly, "You're younger then us! If anything, you're the kid he-"
The Irishman didn't get a chance to finish his words. He couldn't. By this time, Naruto had him in a headlock and a kunai at the back of his neck. "Call me a kid one more time. I dare you."
At that precise moment, the other figure from the night before fizzled into view, knocking the first one in the head. "We're here to protect them, not kill them, Naruto."
Just as the others approached the younger teen, intent on ripping him apart, Dean went flying and smacked into the stone wall, sliding down the ancient battlements like so much goo. "However, that doesn't mean we can't beat the shit out of you."
After some random assorted violence that involved spinning kicks, Indian burns, and a very messy thousand years of death, the two guardians stood back and admired their handiwork.
"ALL RIGHT! ON TO THE NEXT ONE! AWAY DEAR NARUTO! AWAY!"
The two cackling teenagers phased out of view just as Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey huff and puff up the stairs. The deputy headmistress, with an action not resplendent her age, kicked the door down and glanced inside. "They were here too, Poppy. Please tend to them. I'll try to head them off on the next landing."
This continued for the greater majority of the pre-dawn hours, with Professors Snape, Sprout, and Flitwick getting very early awakenings, none of which were the least bit polite.
Albus Dumbledore was a patient man.
However, even patience has its limits.
"Would you please explain what you were doing?"
Josh snorted as he took a sip out of his hip flask, looking like a metallic Moody. "Just our traditional pre-mission antics. You know that every team has them."
"That doesn't explain why you had to-"
"I'm pretty sure it does, Albus." The brunette spun the lid closed and fit the container flush with his armor with only the minutest of cracks was visible to the trained eye. "My grandfather has told me really intriguing stories about you and my uncle's team routine."
Dumbledore had the sense to blush, but the younger guardian plowed right on ahead. "From what he's told me, you and your team would go to the biggest city you could find before a mission, plop down a suitcase of gold, and reserve every girl at the brothels for yourselves. We all have our quirks. Ours is to beat up every kid near us, since neither of us is fond of bratty children. You wanted to enjoy life to the fullest, since your squad never took anything but Class A and S ranked missions. Can't say I blame you, but you can't blame us either."
As the aged guardian opened his mouth to defend himself, Naruto spat out a lemon drop with such force that the resulting fragments were enough to shatter all of the glass in the office, including the stained glass behind the headmaster, all of which fell out the window. "Heh… sorry about that."
His partner rubbed the bridge of his nose in a weary fashion. "And this is why I drink, Albus. I'm not really big on the taste of alcohol, but if it gets me away from this idiot during these stages, I'd drink motor oil."
Halloween dawned wet, but rapidly dried out with the rising sun.
Of course, for everyone in the castle that day, the day started well before dawn.
Ron muttered darkly as he rubbed his sore ass and took a vicious bite out of a kipper. Naruto had put a bit too much power on that poke, if you catch my drift.
Harry, who sported a bruised eye and two sore elbows, tore the head off of another kipper. "What hell were they doing? Going in and doing all that…"
Meanwhile, the two guardians were up at the staff table, liberally applying themselves to the food at hand. "Anyway, Albus. We plan on sealing off the whole place to make our jobs a lot easier. We'll need a student manifest and any potential students for the next three years."
"Professor Snape here will give you that list. Do you need anything?"
Naruto was tucking into his usual bowl of specially prepared breakfast ramen by the house elves. "Just keep everyone away from the borders for a today. While we love collateral damage-"
"The inadvertent deaths of several innocent students trying to cross an untempered seal might be a bit too much for any parent to handle. Let's just say that there wouldn't be much left of the body to give back to them. You done yet?"
The blond rolled his eyes, downing the rest of the broth in one swallow. "I'm ready."
"Right then. We're off. Keep everyone away from the edge. We've warned you, so we're not going to be yelled at when some kid wanders in and gets their balls fried. Comon."
With that, the two got up from the table and walked out of the great hall, cracking their knuckles and talking about the secondary ion barrier matrix.
"Can we trust them, headmaster?"
The aged wizard sighed. "We may have no choice but to."
"Careful! Energy spike in the southeast sector!"
"Got it." Naruto flexed and twisted his fingers, manipulating the twisting streams of energy. All along the outer wall and the border of the lake, Kage Bunshin held down the said stream while Josh went around, hitting each one with his regular sword. Normally, he would have used Mjolnir Neo, the blessed weapon that had chosen him, but since he didn't want to system to be permanent, a less powerful weapon could be used.
"Alright, SEES stablized. Nothing else on sensors right now, so keep this up."
"…Boss, remind me again why I'm doing this?"
The said head honcho blond sat on the ground, staring into a multisensor screen. "Cuz I'm hungry and looking at this damned screen. Energy spikes are one thing, and we can always start over, but a brat getting themselves fried on the incomplete barrier is something completely else."
"…But-"
"I hate to interrupt your little lover's quarrel, but we've got a double spike, NNW and ENE have both gone critical. Could you bring it back under control first?"
"… Fine, fine. Now… North-Northwest and East-Northeast…" Uzu twiddled his finger again. "…I can't stabilize them, Josh. Something's gone and messed with them, and you know my energy control."
There was a split seconds' worth of pausing before the swordsman's voice flashed back over the radio. "Everyone, back off! She's gonna blow! We'll just have to try again."
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
The resulting energy explosion shook the nearby castle to its very foundations. And this wasn't the first one either. They had already tried four times, each time the exact same sectors at the exact same time becoming wildly unstable and causing the incomplete barrier to implode.
The explosion also affected the two guardians, while not killing them, was enough to blow them off their feet and tumbling though the sky. Josh could compensate with his onboard boosters, but Naruto wasn't as lucky. He had gone though the Great Hall's stained glass window once already, tore a hole in the broom shed, and landed in the lake the other two times. This time, he went straight though Ravenclaw Tower.
After the blond had picked all of the glass from his hair and Josh had made sure that his armor's sensors were still operational after a series of high-frequency energy pulses had gone though them, they relocated back to their original spot.
"Naruto, I don't know about you, but I think someone is messing with us. It's been North-Northwest and East-Northeast these last five times."
"Can't be. Your armor is working, isn't it?"
Josh buffed the sensor port, located on his right shoulder. "Yes. However, there's too much ambient energy in the air. My sensors are only working up to five hundred yards, and not so well at that. If it were me, I'd send out a squad of Kage Bunshin to stakeout the place."
"Easy enough for you to say… Let's see you split your energy into a thousand and then make a massed Class B seal with my shitty control. All you're doing is knocking the blocks down into place!"
"All right, all right. Touché."
"Don't you have anything?"
"That'll send back a usable data stream in this mess without mods? Just the fighter; and that can't be safely unmanned."
"Just send Bonnie-"
"I am not about to send up an AI in an unstably designed fighter jet with VTOL in the middle of the equivalent of an EM Storm."
"How about-"
"No. Nothing remote in this environment, not until I get everything shielded, at any rate."
"All right, all right. Come on; let's just get this over with. Dark Guardian Art…"
Later that day, after a couple dozen more tries, and the light fading, the two guardians gave up in disgust, trudged back to the castle, and sat down for dinner. The goblet had been moved back into the great hall and was now glowing its traditional blue.
"So, how was your day?" Dumbledore asked softly.
"Don't ask." Groaned Josh, who was stretching after a particularly nasty blast and recovery had caused his back to cramp up. "Someone or something was fucking around with us out there. We got the basic structure of the seal down, but every time we try to power up the seal itself, there's a massive energy destabilization in two of the opposing corners. It keeps on blowing up every time we go past sixty percent power."
The blond chugged his water, sighing deeply. "Easy enough for you to talk about so easily. I'm the one who didn't have any armor and provided the energy. You just had a day of whack-a-mole!"
"Whack enough moles, Naruto, and eventually one of them will whack you back."
"Don't I know it."
"So, still no seal system?"
Josh popped a can of beer. "As of right now? No. We managed to get an alarm system set up, though. This should alert us to anything that goes through the seal base. Once I get all of my equipment properly shielded, we should be able to move on to getting the system set up. In the meantime, we need to rest."
"I need to rest. You need to get your ass out there and find Uzu."
"Uzu's still out there?"
"Well, someone's gotta go make sure the seal foundations stay intact."
"Huh… should we help him?"
"Nah. He'll be fine, now that I think about it."
"Meh… Sucks to be him."
Outside, in the cold, Uzu sneezed. "… Man, it really sucks to be me."
Author's Note:
Yo.
It's been a year since Orange Lightning was launched, and I've had so much fun writing it, i'm launching two more pieces, one of which is this one. Scar of Lightning, Lightning Scar.
Now updates will be spread 4 ways. Oh, and if you liked the Omakes, well, go to Timeless.
Just a hint.
Until next time
Xingster
