A/N: I've had major feelings about Emma comforting Killian in 4x12 and their conversation from the 4x13 sneak peek, so here's CS fluff with a little angst. Inspired by the Lifehouse song of the same name, as well as Sick Puppies' "All the Same" and The Fray's "Look After You."
She said, "If we're gonna make this work,
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said, "Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be
You've gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"
Lifehouse, "Whatever It Takes"
"I suppose it's just time we face the facts, Swan. I'm not good enough for you. I never have been, and I was foolish to think I ever could be."
They're at the docks, where she followed Killian after he'd left the sheriff station, still unwilling to answer her questions about knowing Ursula in the past and obviously upset. Emma knew by the way he was acting that whatever had happened between them centuries before was unpleasant, but that didn't bother her since it was clear that he was a different person from the bitter pirate he used to be. Her main concerns were the reasons behind his vague answers to her questions and the lack of trust he seemed to have in her, after he had fought so hard for her to see the same in him.
"Killian, what are you talking about? We've already had this conversation. You know you're far too good for me!" Emma's heart broke a little more every time he made a remark that hinted towards his insecurity, about not feeling like he measured up or even just referring to himself as a "one handed pirate with a drinking problem."
He kept his back to her, not wanting Emma to see the pain evident on his face. "Aye, so you keep telling me. But I can't believe that, Swan. And it's about bloody time for you to realize I'm a good for nothing pirate who only seems to cause more problems for you and this town every day."
It was obvious to Emma that his actions in the past, whatever they were, had struck a nerve in him. She knew from their brief conversation in the hallway at Granny's a few days earlier that he still wasn't able to consider himself a good man, or completely forgiven himself for what he had been forced to do while under Gold's control, even with her continuous reminders that none of it was his fault.
Her brows furrowed in anger as she frowned at him. "You're being ridiculous! This is about Ursula isn't it?"
He turned to face Emma while shaking his head, the sadness in his eyes making her heart sink. "No, love, it's not just Ursula. It's her, and the fairies, and all the other unforgiveable things I've done that prevents me from ever being worthy of someone like you. And to think I believed I was capable of being something besides a villain, evil just like the rest of them. I should have known from the beginning that I could never come close to being the man you truly deserved. It's how I got into that bloody ordeal with Gold in the first place, because I knew I couldn't be whole for you without his help."
"You've always been whole to me. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care how many hands you have?" Emma reached out to touch his arm as he seemed to flinch at her affection. "Killian, you are not a villain. The man who helped me find Henry in Neverland, and the man who gave up everything to save me and my family, that's anything but evil. I still believe you have your mark in the hero column."
"That may be so, but a few good deeds certainly doesn't make up for centuries of my wrongdoings." He turned away from her again to leave.
"Killian Jones, don't you dare walk away from me! Not now." She was nowhere near ready to end this conversation, she wouldn't let him go knowing how he felt about himself.
"And just what would you rather me do, Swan? I care for you far too much to put you through any more of my careless transgressions."
"But that's just it! You say you care about me, but how am I supposed to believe that when all you can do is hate yourself?"
Killian sighed. "I don't know how to do anything else." He kept his eyes on the ground, his voice almost inaudible.
Emma placed her hands on either side of his face to bring his eyes back up to hers. "Just tell me something, just one thing Do you want this to work?" she asked, moving her hand to gesture between them. "Us?"
"You know I do, love. More than anything. But I also want what's best for you, and it's quite hard to see that with me." She heard his voice start to break as he tried to break away from her grasp again, not trying to leave, but to put the distance he thought was necessary between them.
She grabbed his hand to stop him before he could. "You really don't think what's best for me is you? Because I certainly don't see it anywhere else. I don't care about whatever bad blood you have with Ursula, or anyone else for that matter. It's in the past, it's over and it's done. Everyone makes mistakes, Killian. They're not worth constantly living in self-loathe over. And I love you too much to let you go on feeling that way about yourself." He raised his eyebrows in surprise at her words. She definitely hadn't planned to tell him how she felt in this type of situation, but she knew he needed to hear it from her now more than ever. "You repeatedly told me before that you would fight for my heart, that I had to stop running, that I had to learn how to let my walls down and trust you. It may have taken some time, but I do, and now it's your turn. You've always been here for me, and you've accepted me for who I am despite everything that's wrong with me. And you have to let me do the same for you. You have to open up eventually and trust me, too. I see you for who you really are, as selfless, and brave, and devoted. That's the man I fell in love with. And I want to make sure he knows that I won't stop fighting for him, just like he's always continued to do for me."
As much as he had tried to hold himself together in front of her, Killian couldn't prevent the lone tear Emma saw slipping down his face. "You love me," he said, sounding both surprised and relieved. She angled her head up to kiss him softly. "I do. So much." He pulled her into his arms to hold her tightly and buried his face in her neck. "Emma Swan, I've never loved anything like I do you. And you're not just Storybrooke's Savior. You're mine."
