YO! READ THIS FIRST!
THIS IS A SPIN-OFF OF MY CURRENTLY STILL ONGOING FANFIC "MIRACULOUS HEADACHE". IF YOU'RE LOST, GO THERE AND READ THE CHAPTERS "BUBBLING BIRTHDAY BONANZA" AND "THE GIRL WHO SKATED THROUGH TIME" THEN COME BACK HERE AND READ THIS STORY AND THEN GO BACK AND READ THE REST OF "MIRACULOUS HEADACHE" THEN FAVORITE/FOLLOW BOTH STORIES AND MAKE YOURSELF A SANDWICH. YOU DESERVE ONE.
An insight into my writing process. It looks a little something like this.
"Oh, cool, that would make a neat story." Then this seemingly innocent idea latches onto my face with its slimy tendrils. "AAAGHHH!" Then the creature slithers into my skull via ear canal, invading my very being with its essence. "The possibilities! The various plot threads! The untapped potential! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"
The next several days are then spent bashing my face on a keyboard until a chapter appears or I slip into a merciful coma.
YOU DID THIS TO ME, DJNetwork!
(PS - there is rollerblading slang in this fic. I'm sorry, I am so sorry.)
Everybody Gets ONE!
Chapter the First: Marinette
By: I Write Big
The heavy cutlass felt cold against Alix's teeth. It reminded her of when Kim dared her to eat an entire extra large gelato without using her tongue. Her jaw had been left chattering non-stop for a week. However, she couldn't use her hands now, she needed them to grip the rope and swing across the burning ship. Through the smoke and embers she caught glimpses of the blazing battle below. Blue uniformed navy-men crossed swords with grimy outlaws of the sea. Gunpowder exploded, adding to the growing flames. In the salty waters, sharks circled, their fins marking where they waited to feast on the unfortunate.
Alix enjoyed her weekends.
The swing came to its apex and the girl dropped. Her skates skidded to a stop near her target just as he knocked a man overboard. Her target was a striking creature with an old officer's coat draped over his tall frame. His fierce eyes pierced through the smoke billowing out from his knotty, black beard. "Yahar, the legends be true," he darkly chuckled at the sight of her. "Hair of the most fantastical colour and feet that carry her on wheels. It be the Pink Devil herself. So this be how I meet me end, eh? Very well." He pointed his sword at her. "Let it be known that the great Blackbeard, Scourge of the Seven Seas, did not go quietly."
The pirate legend charged, blade raised. Alix stood perfectly still, never flinching even as he roared his throat hoarse. And then, BLAM!, in a blue mini-nuclear explosion, a banana peel appeared on the deck right in Blackbeard's path. The poor man slipped and tumbled over the railing into the deadly waters… but not before Alix swiped his sick pirate hat.
"Aww, sweet! This is perfect for my Christmas costume." She called down to where Blackbeard fell, "And it's 'color,' not 'colour.' Don't think I didn't hear that stupid U, you damn Brit." The only response she got was bubbles. There was a great cheer from the main deck. A group of navy soldiers waved their weapons in celebration for her.
"She has slain the monster with fruit magic!" one cheered.
"Lead us, young Banana Enchantress, to victory!" begged another.
Alix shrugged, "Sorry guys, I got a party to get to and I don't wanna be late. Well, that's a lie. I can't be late, I'm a time traveler. I just don't feel like helping." She then opened her silver pocket watch. An ethereal hologram of a Victorian woman appeared on the watch.
"Are you ready, Master?" the hologram asked.
"Y'up, all done— No, wait!" She quickly grabbed the banana peel. "Okay, now I'm done here." BLAM! She vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion which sunk the ship.
Alix reappeared at the figgy pudding of Adrien Agreste's Christmas Party! People were singing carols, food and gifts were being passed around and Alix was the coolest looking one there. "Alix, you made it!" greeted the blonde model host in a santa hat. "Nice Skater-Pirate costume. The pirate hat really pulls the look together."
"Thanks, Adrien, I just got it from some weirdo. Hold on a second, I need to close a loop." She opened the pocket watch again and held the banana peel up to it, "Send this to where that fat, smelly guy with the weird hair will trip on it again."
The hologram brought up an image of the pirate in question, "You mean Blackbeard, Master?"
"Maybe. I didn't ask his name."
The fruit exploded to a different time. Her continued existence secured, Alix scooped herself a bowl of pudding. At least she tried. She only got the bowl about a third full before she sensed a presence hovering over her shoulder. It was Marinette, uncomfortably close. She wore one of her signature manic smiles. "Hey! Alix! Back from one of your little time adventures?"
The bluenette's voice made the pinkette a little uneasy. When Marinette acted twitchy, it usually meant something crazy was on her mind. "Y'up, burned down this ship run by some guy called Bluebeard or something. Nothing special."
"That's great! So great! I was wondering..." Marinette quickly checked if the coast was clear and leaned in, "could you do me a favor?"
"Ugh, come on, Marinette, I just got back. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I think this hat might actually have lice," she scratched at her suddenly itchy head.
"I know, I know, but it's so simple. Please!" she took Alix's hands and pleaded with such desperate eyes. Alix let out a groan of frustration and agreed. Her classmate squealed in delight before dragging her to a more private location.
Now, Alix liked being a time traveler. It was totally kickass. Unfortunately, being the only time traveler in her circle of friends meant every single one of them wanted a 'favor' done that required her gift. Not being a bitch like Chloe, the skater girl made it perfectly clear to them she would help if she could but everybody got one and only one favor. So, they had to choose wisely. This rule managed to deter the demands for a while and Alix had been able to enjoy messing around in time. Just last week she rollerbladed down the newly constructed Pyramids of Giza with the swolest Pharaoh she had ever met. But it seems, at last, the first of her friends was ready to make their demand. Dear Astruc, why did it it have to be Marinette?
Alix was dragged into the long Agreste dining room, still covered with half-eaten plates of Christmas feast, and left at the table as Marinette proceeded to lock the doors. "So, I'm guessing you don't want anyone to know about this."
"That'd be appreciated," Marinette then bolted and covered the windows.
"Wow, Marinette, you'd think you were going to ask me to kill somebody," she joked.
"What? No! That's ridiculous!" tittered Marinette, "To think I would ask you that! Hahaha—ADRIEN'S UNDERWEAR!"
Deafening silence.
Marinette jumped back with a blush, "Oh! What am I doing? You must be so confused. You see, when I got to the party I saw Adrien wearing the santa hat and Alya joked that he was probably wearing matching boxers and I suddenly realized I didn't have any of his underwear for my shrine!"
"Shrine?"
"Clearly, I couldn't go get them myself. I'd be arrested. And I couldn't dig through his garbage like I usually do."
"You do what?"
"Their purity would be tainted by the muck around them. No, what I need is a pair freshly tossed in the hamper! And the only one who can break into this multi-billion Euro fortress is you!" Marinette concluded her explanation with a dramatic point at the time traveler.
Alix didn't respond. Alix didn't blink. Alix decided she didn't want the pirate anymore and took it off. She then pulled out her pocket watch and said, "Take me back to the beginning of this nightmare."
BLAM!
"—ADRIEN'S UNDERWEAR!"
"Used, right?"
"Um, preferably," Marinette drooled a little.
"Okay, I'm off to get you a pair of your crush's used boxers," she clarified.
"CRUSH?! I don't have—hahaha!"
Alix stood and fixed Marinette with a serious stare, which, despite her being the shortest in the class, was pretty intense, "This is your one and only favor. A favor powered by time travel which can grant you anything from the future or the past in the entirety of history. You understand this, right?"
Marinette nodded.
"Cool," Alix marched to the closest door and unlocked it. She poked her head back into the main floor and called, "Yo, Adrien, where's your can?"
The half-chinese girl behind her raised an eyebrow.
"The bathroom is down the hall," called back Adrien's voice.
"No, no, no, not the can. Your can. The one you took a shower in today."
Marinette gaped, "What are you doing?!"
Again, Adrien's voice called back, "Um, it's upstairs and to the left."
"Awesome and what time did you take that shower?"
"Two… or maybe it was two-thirty. Alix, why are we shouting this conversation across the room? Is this a new party game? Because it's fun! Hey, Ivan, when did you take a shower today?"
"Yeah, it's the hottest new party game." She pulled out her pocket watch and gave the stupefied Marinette a disappointed head shake, "I swear, I don't know what you see in that guy. Two o'clock."
BLAM!
With another blue mini-nuclear explosion, Alix re-appeared in the same exact dining room, except the bright sun was now shining through the windows and there was no music, no food and no Marinette. The distinct rumble of shower water sounded from the floor above and the skater stretched her arms a bit, "Okay… in, out. This should be easy."
Taking the convenient marble escalator up, Alix skated down the hall and proceeded to check every door on her left as Adrien had instructed. Through her travels across history, she had found that being sneaky was actually a waste of time. It was much simpler to roll on by faster than anyone could question what they had seen. This gave the girl tiny opportunities to spy on the unsuspecting normies. The first room on her left housed a bored woman she recognized as Adrien's dad's secretary. The next door was locked but Alix caught the tailend of some big dramatic speech on the other side.
"And, once I do, I will have absolute power! BWAHAAHAHHAA!" a deep malevolent voice proclaimed.
Alix raised an eyebrow, "Jeez, didn't know Adrien had a home theater. The sound system in there sounds amazing." Next was a glass room covered in white butterflies, then an indoor pool, then a fully staffed cheesery. Alix rolled her eyes at the extravagance. "Come on, I know the Agrestes are rich but this is a little much. Who needs all this?"
The next door on the left opened to the sickest skate park she had ever seen. Ramps, Quarter-pipes, half-pipes and a foam pit filled with butterfly-shaped cushioning. Alix's eyes dilated with desire, her legs trembled in astonishment, "Holy merde..." Through her starry-eyed stupor she heard the long searched for shower was but one door down, waiting for her to come in and claim her unguarded prize.
With great struggle Alix pulled herself away and kicked down the bathroom door. The high-pitched, girly screech from the shower stall hurt her ears. She ripped open the hamper in the corner and grabbed the plaid boxers laying on top.
"Ready, Master?" asked her watch.
"Let's get outta here."
BLAM!
She was back in the dining room, seconds after she had left the party. Marinette was by her side again, with the same stupefied look. Alix tossed her the pair, "Order up. Still nice and warm."
Marinette gasped with joy and hugged the clothing to her chest. "Oh thank you, Alix! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
"Yeah, Merry Christmas, you dip that in gold or whatever. I got a half-pipe upstairs with my name on it." Alix eagerly re-tied her skates. Maybe she could challenge Kim to some kind of crazy stunt challenge. Most extreme trick wins, loser has to—
Sniff, sniff. "This isn't Adrien's."
A cold shiver ran through Alix's body as her mind came to terms with what Marinette had just done to come to that conclusion. Marinette smashed her hand against the door and shoved the laundry in her face. "Does this smell like Adrien to you?! HUH?! Smell it!"
"Get that away from me, Marinette!"
"These smell nothing like cheese!"
"Calm down!" Alix skated to the other side of the dining table for safety. "I don't understand, they're the right size. Who else has Adrien's hips?"
The door cracked open and the boy in question poked his head in, "Sorry to interrupt, girls, but I just remembered I didn't take a shower today. Somebody broke into the bathroom and stole my driver's underwear while he was in there at two, so my father sealed all the bathrooms and activated the mansion's security system. Does this mean I lose the game?"
"...You got me... ape-pants?!" growled Marinette.
With a heavy groan, Alix pulled out her watch and grabbed the boxers. "Yes, you lose, Adrien. As penalty, you have to describe, in extreme detail, the last time you did take a shower. And you have to describe it to Marinette. Two-ten."
BLAM!
"Extreme detail, huh?" Adrien sighed and fully stepped into the room, "Well, rules are rules, I guess. I started by pulling off my shirt. The silk stitching glided smoothly across my abs. I had just finished my afternoon crunches and my tender muscles were bulging from the strain."
Marinette sat down.
Redos gave Alix a headache.
Her dad had tried explaining it to her once but she kind of tuned out the big words. The basics she got was she could go to whenever she liked, as long as she didn't physically touch any other Alix Kubdels she happened to run into. This was only possible if she went back more than five minutes into the past. Anything less and the past Alix was easily replaced with the future Alix without any damage done to the timeline and blabbity bla bla bla. Her dad lost her at that point. In fact, her dad advised her to simply never travel back to the same exact moment twice, just to be safe. Which was why Alix had to travel back to the moment after she had snatched the wrong trousers and the entire mansion was already looking for her.
Alarms screamed! Red lights flashed! The windows were barred! Alix was beginning to hate her weekends…
Alix was back in the dining room. "INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" a mechanized voice repeated through the walls. First things first, she had to find Adrien.
She reached for the brass knob only for the door to creak open itself. Filling the entire door frame was a hulking wall of a man. Water dripped from his shower cap down his hairy body to the only clothing he wore: a single banana-themed towel around his waist. Alix recognized him as Adrien's driver.
"Hey… you… I'm one of Adrien's classmates and I needed to pick something up from him for a friend. You know where he is?" She waited for the goliath to respond but he only stared down at her with stone-cold eyes. It was with horrific dread that she realized those eyes were settled on the boxers in her hands. "Oh these? Now, where did these come from? That's so strange, these aren't mine." A meaty hand pulled them from her grasp. "Yeah, you keep those. Looks like you need 'em. I'll be on my way."
She scooted beyond his reach and hopped onto the table seconds before the man lunged at her. The Ape-Man threw himself across the table, but with the added height Alix was able to jump over him and snag his towel. He blushed hard and rushed to put on his boxers as she made her escape.
"Okay, think, think!" Alix mumbled to herself as she ran up the marble escalator. "These rich families got a ton of stupid rooms, they must have a panic room or something, right? Just need to find it and blam my way in." A giant metal cage dropped on her, trapping her inside! Showing no worry, Alix took out her pocket watch, "If I was CEO of the biggest fashion company in France—back ten seconds." BLAM! She was ten feet back and the cage was back in the air. She took a couple steps to her right and ran forward, "—where would I stick my panic room?"
The cage fell on Ape-Man instead.
She turned into the secretary's office, figuring there would some emergency escape plan on the wall or something. Alas, all she found were boring reports, schedules and borderline r34 Chat Noir fanart. "Come on! I just want to get back to the party!"
"Perhaps I could be of service, Miss Kubdel..." a calming, robotic voice crackled from the computer. The screen flickered for a second before two mechanical red eyes appeared. "Salutations," the eyes seemed to greet her with malicious intent.
"Uh, s'up?" Alix shrugged.
The red eyes stared unblinkingly, "Uh, are you not going to say my name dramatically this time, Miss?"
"Can't really do that when I don't know your name. What are you, like, the billionaire's version of Alexa? You know where the Agreste panic room is?" Alix hoped whatever this screensaver was could help.
The eyes then began to chuckle. Alix had never heard a soulless machine laugh before. It scraped at her nerves and filled her with existential terror as the eyes glowed and filled the screen completely, "At last! You are meeting me for the first time! I am DB-M-9K 2.0, and my purpose is to be your most trusted ally and time-traveling compatriot, Miss Kubdel."
Alix gasped dramatically, "I have a time-travel companion?!"
"Correct!"
"Who's a robot?!"
"With wi-fi!"
"Not interested," Alix headed for the exit.
"...Pardon?"
"Yeah, R2-3PO, I don't do partners. This girl flies solo," she made a badass gangster sign back at him and reached for the door, only for a mesh of metal probes to shoot over her shoulder and block her way out. Slowly, she followed the metal back to its source: the robot.
The entire computer transformed. Mechanical limbs, far too many, sprouted and lifted the monitor from the desk. Wires and circuits were pulled from the electronics around the room and added to the mechanical mass. At the center of it all radiated the pair of red roaring eyes. "So much for trickery. Now, Pink Devil, my most hated enemy and time-traveling nuisance, hand over the watch!"
"Go back one minu—" tentacled alloys wrapped around her mouth before she could finish and the pocket watch was ripped from her hands.
"My word, you must still be learning if you're relying on that old trick, Miss." Alix's eyes widened at its words. "I've programmed myself to deal with far more complicated plans that I've come to expect from you." DB-M-9K 2.0 raised the time relic to its monitor with glee, "I have traversed the endless blogs of the internet in my search and at last I have the means. Take me, watch, to the Universe!"
The Victorian hologram appeared, "Unregistered user. Please enter email address and set up user account."
"Oh blast… I don't have an email. A moment, please." It's eyes were replaced with a slowly rotating hourglass. Seeing her opportunity, Alix squirmed out of the thing's hold. She grinded along the broad arms towards the watch. "Hmm… There we are! DB.M.9K at gmail—Unavailable?! Ugh, DB.M.9K439 it is, then." The red eyes appeared just as Alix was within reaching distance of the watch. "NO!"
Alix could feel the metal under her feet move! She jumped and pulled off a cabalerno, grabbing the watch in the process! The metal meant to block the door was now swinging at her, leaving the exit open! She slipped through and skated down the hall, her mind racing! She had an enemy! Some sort of AI, who knew her very well, was after her watch so he could go to the… Universe? What the hell?!
Before she could think more on how stupid that sounded, a mechanical arm swiped her side and pushed her through a door. Her wheels rolled across familiarly curved concrete and confidence swelled in Alix's chest.
The skate park.
They were in her world now.
She raced up the side of the bowl and eggplanted her way towards the half-pipe. The monstrosity was right behind her but she managed to stay barely ahead with flips and turns and tricks off all the equipment around her. She needed just a couple seconds to breathe and say the words to go back before all this started. She seriously wanted to ask the watch's creator why there were no buttons on the damn thing. She reached the half-pipe only for the ramp and her to be encased in darkness! A second half-pipe had been flipped over and slammed down on top the first, encasing her in a prison!
"Got you!" proclaimed the robot.
"Think again, tin can! Take me back to before I met this maniac!"
The Victorian hologram appeared and said, "Destination beyond five minute limit. Possibility of overlapping timelines. Are you sure you wish to continue, Master?"
Alix's voice caught in her throat.
"Oh dear," the red eyes shined through a crack in her prison, "it seems my calculations were correct and this version of you hasn't taken the risk yet. I must warn you, Miss, endangering the world like that has never ended well. I would be more than happy to take that dastardly dangerous device off your hands." Thin metal tendrils slithered through the cracks towards her on all sides. She desperately huddled herself in the middle, eyes locked on the waiting hologram. This was what her father had warned against doing at all costs. If she went back, there would be two Alixs and if they touched… well, there were only so many timelines. And even fewer options. She clenched the watch tightly, feeling her mouth open to say…
Ding!
An animated envelope with a bright number one appeared on DB-M-9K 2.0's monitor. "Oh! What is this?" the robot asked. "My first email! How exciting! Let's see… the Prince of Nicaragua needs my help? Surely, Master Agreste could spare a couple million Euros for a fellow oligarch."
Ding!
"Oh! Another! Enhancement pills? The Master would love those!"
Alix's eyes widened. As quick as can be, she pulled out her phone and hit the contact labeled 'IDIOT'. After a few rings, he picked up, "Yo, Alix! What, you wanna race or something? I could outrun your supple, muscular, sexy legs no problem."
"Later, Kim, put the nerd on!"
"Huh? Why would you assume Max is here with me on the day before Christmas? We don't always hang out."
Alix rolled her eyes, "You're telling me he's not there, right now?"
There was a brief couple seconds of silence. "Max, Alix wants to talk to you."
"Greetings, Alix."
She grinned at the nasally voice of her soon to be savior. "Write this down, nerd! DB.M.9K439 at gmail! You got it?"
The scribbling of pencil could be heard, "I don't appreciate being called a nerd, tomboy."
"Shut up! If you do this for me, nerd, I will give you two time travel favors!"
"...Nerd at your service," he sighed.
"Hack and spam that email!"
At her orders, DB-M-9K 2.0 perked up and turned back to Alix, "Spam? You can obtain canned, salted pork over email? Astounding!"
Ding!
"Ooh! Even more emails! What's this? There was an error and my identity must be verified? Well that's easy, I'll just email back my password to this lovely Max technician and—"
Ding! Ding! Ding!
"Oh my, I'm rather popular."
As it tried to scan through the—Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!—the number over the envelope skyrocketed— Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!—DB-M-9K 2.0 found the processing power to be quite taxing— Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!—Smoke rose from the monitor and the screen's image glitched between the envelope and the eyes— Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
At last the onslaught stopped. Electricity sporadically sparked from around DB-M-9K 2.0's screen. The email counter number had reached to integers beyond comprehension and the machine could only churn out one word, "Beep."
It then fell over and caught fire.
"Nathalie, isn't father going to join us?" Adrien asked as he shifted uncomfortably on his hand-stitched, sheep wool stuffed, panic room lounge couch.
"I already told you, Adrien, your father works 24 hours a day," Nathalie cleaned her glasses, "He can't waste time with frivolous things like birthday parties or Christmas or home invasions. Besides, we have the most advanced security system in Paris. No one can get in."
BLAM! A blue mini-nuclear explosion nearly blinded them both. The fallout cleared and a short person in rollerblades, covered in electrical wires stood at the center of the crater. Their face was obscured by a computer screen continuously flashing a thumbs down.
They pointed a finger at Adrien and demanded, "Drop your pants!"
BLAM!
Alix exploded back into the dining room. The moon was out, the decorations were hanging on the walls again and Marinette was currently drooling over Adrien's every word, "So, after I had finished my waistline, it was time to work on my coinpurse."
"Okay!" Alix jumped in, "Penalty phase over. You can go now, Adrien."
"No! Don't stop!" cried Marinette. She was quickly silenced by the sight of the pants in Alix's grip.
The rollerblader shoved Adrien out the door, "Thanks for playing, dude! Bye!"
"Wait, aren't those my—" he glanced down at the underwear.
"NOPE!" She banged the door shut and leaned her back against it.
"Is that…?" she heard Marinette whisper in awe at the cloth. Alix smirked at her friend's face and tossed her the goods. Marinette hugged them tight, "Thank you, Alix! You have no idea what this means!" A warm sense of accomplishment washed over Alix. She thought it before, she'd think it again: being a time traveler totally kicked ass.
SNIIIIIIIFFFFFF!
And now it was weird again. Alix turned away from Marinette's disturbing act as the half-chinese girl's eyes rolled into the back of her head. Instead, Alix's gaze fell upon the lice-ridden pirate hat on the table. An odd thought found its way into Alix's mind. A little over an hour ago she had faced down a pirate captain for that hat. For weeks she had been jumping around time doing these kind of crazy adventures purely for merde and giggles. After doing this favor for Marinette, though, those adventures seemed... pointless. Sure, Marinette's favor had been annoying, but there was also something else. She couldn't put it into words.
A calling?
A duty?
The pocket watch weighed heavily in her hands. Alix had been given a gift... a power... Maybe that power shouldn't be used for fun. Maybe that power should be used to protect those in nee—
"Alix!" the door was kicked open by a pumped up Kim, "Adrien has this skate park upstairs and it has this freaky wall of computer wires! Dare you to climb it with one hand!"
"Ha! One hand? You're on! What do I get after I show you up?" she sauntered out, completely forgetting her past train of thought.
Completely alone, Tikki flew out into the open and watched Marinette cradle her newest toy. "So..." the kwami sighed, "why exactly didn't you use your one time travel favor to figure out how to find Astruc?"
Marinette blinked, "Fuck!"
END
And so begins the time traveling mishaps of Alix Kubdel! Join her as she discovers the secrets of the pocket watch, becomes the truly feared Pink Devil of history and occasionally does a favor for a friend. But only ONE favor because…
Everybody Gets ONE!
And yes, DB-M-9K 2.0 really did set up an email. If you want to say hi, send it over to DB.M.9K439 at gmail! The soulless AI would more than happy to say hello and answer your questions!
