Chapter 1: Gay Wolverine
Shadows shot up the bricks of the alley cast by the flames within a rusted, burning barrel. Three men warmed their dirty fingers around the fire - burning steadily through old milk jugs and styrofoam.
"Well I heard that his parents were shot in an alley just like ours," outstretching his fingerless gloves, "He took them down there and killed em before they could write him out of the will… on account of what he was."
"Rascal, that's about the dumbest thing I ever heard. First off, that's way too similar to a batman origin story," Cleatus said, pecking at the side of his tattered knit cap.
Rascal shrugged his shoulders and bent down to put more engine oil on his fingerless gloves.
"I don't know, Cleatus," coughed Punchy, "I heard it was the same kind of thing. Like when he got his powers, everyone was ashamed of him. Some victim of society story. Like a Frankenstein deal."
"T'aint no Frankenstein deal, dummy," shouted Rascal, thrusting his hands into the fire, "When did Frankenstein ever fight crime? Not once. He killed that little girl because he was too strong, that's what he done. Aw, dammit, now my hands are on fire." Rascal patted his hands on his patchwork coat, smothering the flames.
Cleatus put his hands under his armpits. "That's right. Crime's been terrible round here. These buildings... " Cleatus points up and around, spinning his arm like a propellor, "That's where it starts… these gosh-darn investment bankers and bondholders."
Punchy puts his hands to the sides of his head and wriggles his fingers like he's that lizard from Jurassic Park, "MARKET FRAUD!"
Cleatus gives a chuckle, "Then they come down here to do their back-alley deals."
"I told em to stay out of my box, but they said they'd do what they please otherwise they'd foreclose on it. They knew I'd stopped payin' my box mortgage a coon's age ago!" Said Rascal, gloves burnt and fingers blistering.
Two figures appeared at the alley entrance. "Hey turd-lickers, where's our box for doing back-alley deals?"
Two men wearing Brioni suits and business shoes slowly approached the burn barrel. The three dishevelled homeless guys backed away shaking, hands raised, "We don't want no trouble, fellas - box is all yours," said Cleatus.
"Y-yeah, no trouble," Punchy punctuated.
One of the businessmen in his fine British suit snatched Punchy's ragged collar, "Well if it isn't Punchy, old buddy, old pal. You used to be a big shot like us, making crooked deals and doing insider trades."
"This guy?" said the other businessman, "I've heard about him. Punchy was the best of the best - a regular wolverine of Wall street, as they say."
"What happened, Punchy?" businessman 1 spat into his face, "Cause of you my fat stacks are slightly less fat, but still more than adequate to consider myself part of the 1%."
Another figure appeared at the other end of the alley, walking determinedly toward the group.
Punchy stammered, "I-I just couldn't take it anymore - the lies, deceit… I had to go straight!"
The new mysterious figure stood right behind the businessmen, to where they couldn't see him but the homeless guys could.
"Yeah, he went straight!" shouted Rascal, "Which is more than can be said for this guy!"
"Hey, c'mon, now." said the mysterious figure.
"What," said Rascal, "I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about this guy with his - his shoes."
Cleatus then finally spoke up, "Oh! I recognise you now! you're - you're Ga-"
"No, you can stop right there. I don't know how all that nonsense got started but I'm Wolverine. It's just regular Wolverine," Gay Wolverine said to the quintet.
"Who the fuck is Wolverine?" asked the second business guy. "Is that like a rip-off of Gay Wolverine?"
The three homeless men just pointed at Gay wolverine. "That's Gay Wolverine," said Rascal, "He fights crime with the powers of homosexuality, so you better watch your ass! Literally!"
The first business guy immediately let go of Punchy, and twirled around, hands covering his buttocks. The second businessman bent over slightly out of impulse, but then turned around because he saw his buddy do it.
"Ok, let's get this straight…" Gay Wolverine began.
"Good one!" Punchy punched the air.
"No, seriously," Gay Wolverine said, "So first off, I'm not gay, that's just a terrible rumor. There are no powers of homosexuality. What I've got is these claws." He shinked his claws in and out of his fists real quick. "And I've got some kind of rapid healing thing going - as you can see - no wounds," he said displaying his unharmed knuckles. "And my bones are made of adamantium."
"The gayest mineral!" exclaimed Punchy.
"No, just a really strong metal," explained Gay Wolverine. "So I'm using these powers to put a stop to crime."
"I expected Gay Wolverine to lisp a little bit… or have a more flamboyant outfit," Rascal said thoughtfully, stroking his scruff.
"Okay, just one more time - not gay. Anyone here calls me Gay Wolverine or confesses to a serious crime, I'm going to actually kill you. Think about that before you make your next move."
Everyone shuffled nervously for a couple seconds.
"fag wolverine," the second businessman whispered under his breath. He immediately collapsed on the ground, bleeding to death. In less than a second, Gay Wolverine's claws had shinked and unshinked in the man's torso.
"Great," said Gay Wolverine. "Anybody want to do a round two on that or confess to a crime?"
Punchy shifted a little bit, "That businessman's been doing insider trading and financial fraud."
"Nuh-uh!" the business man exclaimed, grabbing Punchy's collar again and pulling back to hit him. "Punchy started it anyway, we just saw how profitable it was!"
Punchy flinched as the hand unclenched immediately. The first businessman collapsed on the ground, sullying his very expensive suit. Wolverine had done the same claw trick as the first time but this time he shinked him in the butt.
"Heh." said Rascal, nudging Cleatus.
Wolverine sighed, "What?"
"No, it's nothing, 'Regular' Wolverine," snickered Rascal.
Gay Wolverine's eyes narrowed into slits. "I think it's best if you forget everything you saw here."
Punchy turned around, covered his mouth and muffled, "I don't know what you're even talking about."
Cleatus covered his eyes.
Rascal covered his ears, but thought for a second. "Wait we're gonna have two dead guys here in the morning. We're gonna be suspects for a double murder. How are we supposed to get out of this one?"
Gay Wolverine explained, "Just tell the police it was Wolverine - putting an end to crime. They'll be able to match the claw marks to some of my previous unsavory victims."
"What?" said Rascal.
Gay Wolverine slowly pulled Rascal's hands away from his ears. "Just tell them it was Wolverine."
"We didn't know who Wolverine was when you first announced it! How do you expect them to know?"
There was a very heavy sigh. A pause. "Just tell them… it was gay Wolverine."
Gay Wolverine then ran off into the night.
