I had this up before, but I had to remove it, because it was a list, and apparently that's not allowed, and once people find that out, they'll rip you a new asshole until you do something about it. So I recieved a suggestion that I turn the things on the list into one-shot thingies, and then it would be fine.

What the hell, I gave it a shot. Feedback of any sort would be much, much appredciated. So here goes nothing:


Teething. Enough Said.

A teething baby vampire was possibly the hardest challenge Alucard had ever faced in his life. And once you've lived for several centuries, that's saying something.

At just over a year old, Charolette could do 4 things very well: walk, babble, scream, and chew the living hell out every-and-anything she could fit into her mouth. In the past week alone, she'd managed to chew up 3 pairs of Alucard's expensive boots, put gruesome bite marks into the corners of his coffin, and even gnawed off one of the legs of her crib. Not to mention she'd bitten off 6 of his fingers already (thank God for immortality and instant regeneration).

And where was her mother during all this, you ask? Giggling and cooing at her daughter as if it was the cutest thing she'd ever seen.

"She's just a baby, Alucard, this is perfectly normal. She doesn't know what she's doing."

Oh, she knew what she was doing, all right. He was positive he'd seen her give him a cheeky smirk on more than one occasion after destroying something else of value.

At the moment, Alucard was taking long, brisk strides down one of the Hellsing Mansion's corridors. He'd left his daughter in Walter's care while he took care of an errand Integra had sent him on; now he just hoped that Walter was still alive.

He found the elderly butler in the third floor nursery, standing over the changing table with a scowl while he bandaged one of his hands. Charolette snored softly in her 3-legged crib with the 4th leg hastily duct-taped back on (They were still trying to track down a heavy-duty Pack N' Play).

"Walter. I need you to go pick up something for me. I'll take care of the mons- er, Charolette, in the meantime,"

Walter turned with an incredulous expression and held up his injured hand. "Alucard, I'm somewhat busy at the moment, can't this wait-"

"I don't careif you're busy dressing your puncture wounds, Walter, go and buy a damn anchor chain before she chews through another pair of my good boots!"

"A-an anchor chain?"

"Yes, and make sure it's industrial strength. This way we can tie her up somewhere and she can amuse herself without escaping and causing anymore trouble,"

"I don't quite think that's humane, Alucard..."

The vampire ignored him and picked up his child from her crib instead. "I'll give you one hour. And if I don't see a heavy-duty anchor chain in this mansion by then, so help me, I will lock you in a closet with this girl, turn off the lights, and leave you to fend for yourself. Do we understand each other?"

"Er, yes."

"Excellent," he nodded, striding to the door with Charolette lying comfortably on his shoulder. "One hour, one anchor chain, one horrible consequence. I'll see you shortly, Walter." His undamaged boots echoed down the hall as he stalked off.

Now alone, his old friend sighed. "You know, I wonder what your wife would think about all this, Alucard..."

...He decided it would be best not to let her know.