Sending out a NOD- or plug (Yeah I have my own words for this stuff) to Kulkum with permission to put this up as it has a reference to one of his stories in it. After some consideration I decided not to alter the original I wrote. It was one of the first and leaving it alone is sort of a tip to those who may be curious about getting involved by taking a leap into writing and letting the world view their crap. Someone out there will love it one way or the other!
In a Pinch
"What's the difference between canines and felines? That's easy, canines like to stick their face in your ass and felines like to stick their ass in your face."
The Rabbit had turned the corner after hearing the poor excuse for a joke to land his eyes on the fox seated a few feet within the room. His ears perked high and a little more sensitive than others, he was sure he was the only one who could hear the almost inaudible sound of a low irritated growl rolling through his chest. His eyes were tightly closed, brows scrunched, ears pinned to the side and trembling. Jaws clenched every few moments in an obvious attempt not to snap and his fists were clenched around the wooden arms of the chair in a death grip that had his claws digging into the grains that were marred and marked by some dull scratches. In other areas he'd left deep gouges that had removed a great deal of the sheen from the varnish of the highly polished wood.
"Wilde, you're going to snap your claws off if you keep doing that." Green eyes snapped to focus on the stilled face of the rabbit now standing in front him as his muzzle curled into a snarl heated further by the loud growl he rumbled as his lips turned towards his forehead.
"Jack! When we agreed to help you with this case this was not part of the deal." The fox lowered his voice and narrowed his eyes on the rabbit who was looking at him as if considering the situation.
"You agreed to this case knowing how many lives are at stake, surely you're pride isn't going to change that fact?" Jack had taken one paw out and was wiping his claws over the front of his suit, looking at them as if to inspect their current state before returning his gaze to the now grumbling fox.
"No Jack. It is not, but I seriously doubt you have ever been in this situation or something similar to it, and I have had to listen to this insufferable speciest for the last four hours!" He watched as the rabbit rocked back on his heels, shoving both paws into his pockets while letting out a slight chuckle before he rolled his eyes and responded with,
"You would be surprised Wilde."
The fox leaned slightly forward grinning and said "I would have PAID to see it Jack." Lucid blue pools seemed to consider him for a moment before moving their attention to the warthog who was now stuffing items into a bag without seeming to care of their state once they landed within it.
"Jackson, is he ready?" The warthog turned and looked at the fox, studied him for a few moments before nodding approvingly. "Good, you're fired." The buck said as he deadpanned the hog.
The warthog didn't seem surprised or shocked, but did frown at the rabbit in a questioning manner. Jack simply looked at him disapprovingly before huffing as if he shouldn't need to explain his reasons, but sighed before he began to speak. This had Nick seated in an upright position intently listening to the rabbit he was very irritated with at the moment. He rested his elbows on his knees with his legs splayed in front of him and a look of curiosity on his slightly tilted face.
The rabbit spoke in an even and flat emotionless tone. "It is a shame someone with your talent can't take simple orders and control their mouth. I warned you twice before I left to debrief for this case about upsetting officer Wilde with your crude tongue. It seems the last joke I just heard about the differences between canines and felines was directed at him intentionally. I shouldn't have to remind you about upsetting agents or their state of minds before a mission," he said as his eyes settled on the fox again who was now glaring at the warthog with restrained contempt and no attempt to hide the slow grinding of his teeth.
"I'd like to show you the difference between canines and felines….
"Wilde! Focus!" Jack stated sternly. The mild rise in his voice had snapped the fox's attention back to the rabbit as the warthog simply lowered his gaze, picked up the bag he had been filling and left the room.
With a resolved sigh the fox shook his head while running both paws over his ears before he looked up again. "Jack, if that was real, I'll forgive just about everything for all of this."
Jack had allowed his annoyance at this comment to write itself all over his face as he frowned openly at the fox, but given the circumstances and the seriousness of the situation he saw no reason to provoke him any further. In an attempt to do nothing other than placate the already upset predator, he snapped his fingers to have a young well dressed meerkat at his side. "Have Jackson erased within an hour Olivia." The sleek little mammal didn't even question the request or make an unwavering face as she nodded and stepped away.
This led Nick to believe that perhaps he had not been the only mammal the pig had openly rattled. He had no doubt Jack wasn't serious as the rabbit rarely joked about anything, but his annoyance at the whole situation had led him to a foul mood that had his mouth working more quickly than his mind. He settled back into the chair somewhat easily for the first time since his arrival and let out an unhappy groan. His thoughts wondered back to the early days of learning how to be a hustler and lying or tricking people out of their money to try to find something close, but it just wasn't there."I have never been this uncomfortable in my life Jack."
The rabbit looked him over for a moment before considering his next reply. "The target has very specific taste Wilde. It just so happens that you are the only mammal in any agency or department available at the moment who came close. You're going to have to adjust your gait, posture and attitude if this is going to work."
Nick shifted himself uncomfortably in the chair, grumbling all the while, growing more agitated by the fact that the change seemed to please the now smirking striped annoyance in front of him. "Come on rabbit, let's get this over with," he said before he stood.
As the two transferred from the large truck into the smaller van Nick felt the cool air brush his fur which led to a shiver down his spine and irrational heat flaring through his neck and ears. One he was sure the pin striped bunny had noticed as they climbed into the back of the black tactical van. When Wolford finally turned to greet them he smiled eagerly at Jack and looked at Nick for a long moment before he said hello with smile that made the fox visibly shudder. Jack looked at Nick with a quirky grin "Say Hello to Wolford."
Nick grimaced at the rabbit for a moment before facing Wolford with an obvious annoyance in his voice and he spoke an octave lower than normal "Hey Wolford."
The large grey wolf froze in place, the big grin on his face falling into a gawk of awe as he looked the fox over from head to toe as his ears twitched uneasily. Nick's eyes narrowed on the wolf just as he began to see the sides of his muzzle curl up and he grit his teeth without opening them fully as he said, "Not one word buddy." This caused the wolf to freeze again, pinning his ears to the side before he jolted himself to face the front windshield in the passenger seat. He clapped one paw over the top of his muzzle while slamming it to his chest. Though he had tried not to, the nearly soundless words of "OH MY GOD" escaped him as Nick scowled at the rabbit who was now eyeing him with a somewhat evil looking smile plastered on his muzzle.
"HMMMPH, how much longer before we meet him Jack." The fox had managed to contain his own frustration before he had made it to the darkest corner of the large van where he now took a seat and propped his arm up over the driver's side seat while letting his legs stretch out in front of him before crossing them in a comfortable flop. "I'd love to get this day over with." He placed a special emphasis on the word love and he watched Wolford's eyes begin to water as the wolf tried desperately not to look directly at the fox seated only a few feet behind him. Nick watched Wolford warily as he considered one of his best friends, if not his best friend and then thought he may need to reconsider that before this day was over.
"A couple of hours" Jack stated flatly. All three males were jolted momentarily as the back door unlatched and swung open only to see Judy hop effortlessly into the bed closing the door behind her. In that usually bubbly voice,
"Hi Jack, Wolford. Where's Nick?" She looked at them blankly for a moment before they turned their gaze to the darkened corner of the van.
"Here Carrots." Nick said as he sighed. She squinted trying to see through the darkness, took a few steps forward before she stopped and her eyes widened in a confused daze. She managed to sputter out a few huffs of breath before she stammered through and stuttered "N -N -Nick?"
It could have been the genuine surprise on her face, or the fact that he knew what was coming and was already agitated by the fact that Wolford was still trying desperately not to make eye contact. He was sure it didn't help that Jack stood watching the three with an intensity that only added to his discomfort, but he leaned into the light towards her paws flailing and shouted "WHAT?!" All he could do was let out a berating growl and sink back into his spot as he watched that shock fall from her face, and she fell in a graceless thud so hard that it nearly knocked the wind out of her before she started rolling around on the floor in a fit of laughter, the likes of which he had never seen.
This caused Wolford to cup his muzzle forcefully making sounds as if he were trying to contain sneezes and he wondered for a moment if the large canine was going to blow out one of his lungs before his gaze settled on that striped face annoyance of a rabbit again. The generally sober faced buck was in an uncomfortable stance. He had wrapped one arm around himself and was clutching the underside of his pressed suit in a death grip. While his other arm held an upturned elbow on it with his other paw coving his muzzle while alternating rubbing between his very scrunched in mouth, eyes and brows as he tried not to laugh. A sight that actually made Nick raise a brow.
A moment of what the fox considered sheer brilliance at the opportunity for exacting some revenge on the trio had him stand quickly into a stance that was as mocking as it was purposeful when he thrust one leg out in front of the banded rabbit. Jack completely froze except for leaning away from the offending appendage as his nose twitched violently and his mouth fell agape while his head fell back slightly at the sight. None of this would have seemed terribly odd if it hadn't been for the fact that every inch of Nicks orange and cream fur had been dyed solid black. Fur tufts had been glued along his chest, neck, and the full length of his tail. Adorned in a light blue cock tail dress that had a built in girdle that strapped up tightly on the outside of each of his ribs making him look much slimmer around the waist. This was accented by the bangle bracelets around his wrists and matching hoops in his ears and the claws on all four paws had been painted a similar teal blue, his natural scent having been covered with neutralizer, pheromones and perfume.
If anything the pleasant surprise of actually catching the rabbit off guard made him feel giddy and only spurred his effort forward. Wolford gasped and Judy froze with a questioning hum before he bent forward towards the buck and leaned his head down so that they locked eyes. At that moment the look of absolute and utterly confused shock on Jack's face was about as priceless as a bar of gold as he batted his newly lengthened eyelashes and put on his best sultry voice before he cooed "You definitely owe me dinner after this Big Boy."
Nick watched with a sense of accomplishment and pure delight when Jack and Wolford locked eyes and lost all their remaining composure. Jack fell to the bed of the van landing on one knee and catching himself on one paw as he tried to stifle the laughter. Wolford fell over in the front seat, his head landing in the driver's side yelping between gasps and Judy flopped back into her hysterical roll. Nick had to brace himself against the inside wall as the trio couldn't control themselves. As if struck by lightning he shouted "Hey guys, a little professionalism here! You're rocking the van; God knows what mammals are thinking out there!"
With that, Jack fell to his side and rolled to his back cackling like a hyena. Judy and Wolford had tears streaming down their faces, and almost simultaneously made a mad dash trying to escape the van. Wolford stumbled out clawing the upholstery before he hit the asphalt and rushed to a patch of bushes, while Judy just managed to make the corner of a building before they both effectively lost the contents of their stomachs. While Jack didn't join the two, Nick was overwhelmingly pleased at the outcome and being able to take control of the situation. It took a full 20 minutes before the group could rejoin each other in the van. Jack decided for the sake of the assignment they needed to be separated to calm things down, though he really was not unhappy about the recent events, which genuinely surprised Nick.
Rubbing his temples the rabbit looked at the group "We'll wait in the bar across the street, we still have 45 minutes before he arrives."
The fox looked at him with a sly grin before swaying his hips playfully and saying "Good. You can buy me a drink LLLLover Boy."
This started the snickering and giggles all over again before Jack nearly choked trying to spit out the words "GET OUT OF THE VAN WILDE!"
The pair were standing on asphalt straightening all their attire and had gone stone cold to the prior events as they braced themselves for the task ahead when Judy's voice called to the two of them. Each turned slightly only to be momentarily blinded. Nick turned fully to glare at Judy while he placed both Paws on his hips and saw that she and Wolford were both on their paws and knees snickering at the look of aggravation he was intentionally showing towards them both. Judy simply lifted the phone twisting it back and forth "If you're going to wear it…. You have a great ass Slick."
Nick knowingly showed his teeth as he glanced between the pair. Judy just laughed and although Wolford pinned his ears back he couldn't contain the broad smile cresting from ear to ear. Nick glanced down angrily at the rabbit, who simply shrugged "Turnabouts fair play Wilde."
Nick snapped his eyes back to the snickering pair in the back of the van and let out a sharp yelp when pain caused him to lung forward. Judy and Wolford snapped to their knees as if suddenly alerted to the seriousness of the situation only to watch Nick turn slowly, glaring accusingly at the rabbit.
Jack was rocking back and forth from heel to toe with one paw shoved into his pants and rubbing the fingers of his other together with an impish crooked smile on his face as he looked back at the fox. "Oh don't look at me like that Wilde. You started this fox fiasco."
The moment Judy and Wolford saw Nick rubbing his hind quarter the realization of what happened may as well have hit them like a heavily swung two by four. They both fell back into the van with enough force that the doors slammed shut, drowning out their laughter to the rest of the world. Nick leaned down after looking around cautiously before speaking. The thought of watching the rabbit carelessly playing with his claws earlier in the evening teasing at the idea that this had been planned dancing through his mind as he rubbed the skin the buck had pinched in his stubby claws. If it weren't for the fact that he had known the buck for so long he would have sworn this had crossed his mind far earlier that night. "Jack- I am never working with you again." He hissed as he narrowed his eyes at the smirking rabbit.
"That may not be an issue Wilde," Jack said as he chuckled at the flustered fox. "I'm pretty sure one of these two scenarios may be the death of us tonight. Shall we?" he asked as he reached up only to have his paw slapped away in an angry huff by the fox, which made him cup his muzzle with both paws stifling another laugh. He pushed one elbow out towards the fox who reluctantly wrapped a paw around it. "Come on Wilde, I'll buy you that drink. I am your escort after all."
Green eyes rolled skyward with a muffled groan "Ugh, I can't wait for this to be over."
