This is the scene from Episode 5 of Season 2, I am going to cover it in 'Forbidden Kisses' but not like this. Besides, I couldn't wait to get to this scene… so much potentialness! :D I know that's not a word…

From Lavinia's POV, and it starts off (as you will see) with a thought on what Matthew said, how he treated her. But, to let all of you know, I personally do not blame Matthew for anything he said or did, he has every right to be sad and angry, but this story IS Mary/Lavinia centred. Yes, a romance. Can't help myself :D

Practically no one else in this, except the mention of Matthew. Of course, I extended the conversation, and the ending of the scene (it wasn't exactly concluded anyway) and, I admit, I changed it to how I wanted it to turn out. Never mind that, I've got my imagination, and hopefully a few readers who will tell me what they think!

I don't accept flames or abuse; to be fair; I tend to return the favour.

Here it is.

All We Have Is Now

Lavinia POV

All I could hear were my own sniffles in the silence. The pitiful, unforgiving silence.

This room I was in didn't feel like home. It felt safe, and familiar, but not home.

All I could think of was what had happened. What he had said. How he had dismissed me, disposed of me.

"Lavinia?" Mary's voice called through the door. Oh no… I hadn't shut it. How foolish, while I cried with no thought of who might hear. My heart near stopped at her voice, and she stepped into my room.

Was it silly, even stupid, that the very sight of her made me want to cry harder? I was aware, all of a sudden, of how little I wore, the skin of my naked arms, although warm, I suddenly felt a shiver. I pulled my wrap up around me, I just wanted to hide, but it slid over my skin and down my arms. I pulled it over myself again, this time it stayed.

"You're back," I felt so glad she was, although I still felt completely desolate, "How did you get on?"

Mary's eyes were cautious as she spoke, "All right, I think…" I had to press my hand to my mouth, for fear I would cry out, and she looked at me closer, she appeared concerned. How many times had she been there for me when I cried…?

"How about you?" her words were so careful, although she seemed to dread my answer.

"Matthew's told me to go home," how pathetic did I look to her, sobbing over a man who no longer cared for me, "He says he won't see me again."

Mary did not move, she didn't even speak for a moment. The words were now leaving me by themselves, I said what had happened, "He feels he has to 'set me free' as he put it."

Mary still said nothing, and I couldn't stop the tears, couldn't stop my own voice, "I've tried to tell him I don't care, but he won't listen."

Mary took a step towards me, her face was sad, "Then you must keep telling him." she reached out to me for a moment, but then withdrew her hand, her hand I so longed to hold in my own…

I had to tell her. I couldn't tell anyone else.

"Yes, but you see, it isn't just not walking." My throat was dry, and I gasped.

Mary was once again silent, her eyes spoke for her.

"Today he told me we could never be lovers, because all that's gone as well. I didn't realise…" I hadn't, I had been so dim, foolish…

I looked up to see Mary, her eyes were wide, she must think me foolish too, how could I not have known?

"It's probably obvious to anyone with a brain, but I didn't realise." his spine, his lower half, how could I have not realised?

"No…" Mary's words were a sigh as she sunk onto the bed, "No, nor did I."

"And he feels it would be a crime to tie me down. To tie down any woman to the life of a childless nun," my voice was failing, I swallowed, my heart was racing in my chest, "He thinks I'd hate him in the end."

Mary's back was all I could see, that and her face, just her cheek, the room was deathly quiet. Perhaps she was shaken by what I had said, taken aback by this turn of events, by what I spoke of.

I pulled the wrap over my shoulders again, it had slipped, but it only fell back to the bed, "I'm sorry if I've shocked you, but there's no one else I could talk to about it, and when you came in…" I tugged the wrap back over me once more, Mary had turned to me as I spoke, and shook her head.

"I'm not shocked." I looked up, and saw tears in her eyes, "I'm just stunned, and desperately sad." she was now speaking in gasps, her chest heaved with each breath she took.

"No one wants me," I cried, looking back to the blankets, "He didn't so much let me go as pushed me away…" Had Matthew tired of her, and let her go as he had let go of me?

Mary shifted closer to me, and placed her hand on my arm, "Lavinia…"

"What was it like for you?" I looked into her eyes, "when he left?"

She did not flinch, as I thought she would have, but only lowered her eyes, almost in shame, "I don't regret any of that. There are things I wished never had happened, and some things I wish I had done differently. I know you have your own regrets…"

I flinched, as I remembered the scandal I had brought to light, even if I had had nothing to do with it, I had brought shame upon others, I did regret things… I didn't know if that was one of them…

"But never assume that you are not wanted, Lavinia. I know I feel unloved, I always have, if only I had been born a boy-" Mary closed her eyes, drawing back on this glimpse I had of her, she shook her head slightly, and opened her brown eyes, looking at me, "But you matter, Lavinia. You are wanted…"

"Who do I matter to? Who cares for me, if not Matthew? He cast me aside without thought to my feelings, only his own interpretation!" I shook my head miserably.

No one else would care or listen. I was trapped in a world where no one heard me.

Mary's hand softly caught my cheek, "Darling…"

My eyes rose to hers.

"I care, Lavinia."

I won't say it all made sense then, for nothing did. Not Matthew breaking off our engagement, not Mary's words that meant everything to me and yet I knew not how she felt, only what she felt like as her fingers stroked my cheek and she brought my face to hers, and my eyes shut, my heart slowing, my breathing quickening.

It wasn't a reassurance, it wasn't out of pity. Her lips pressed warmly against mine and I knew this meant something and I meant something to her, she otherwise couldn't possibly have felt so inclined to kiss me without want to. All I felt in me was want, pressing on my heart, as if just one touch and it was hers. Perhaps it had been all along. But this was now, this kiss was ours, and how could I ever know if there ever was to be another? Mary's hand had slid down to my arm; her fingers resting on my bare skin… my wrap had fallen off my shoulders, and I let it. Mary's arm that she leant on came to my face, her fingers stroked across my chin, trailing across my skin, and she rested her palm against my neck.

Our lips, her lips, my lips, pressed softly together, I could feel her eyelashes brush my cheek as she tilted her head, bringing her mouth to mine another way, I could taste her sweet lips… I felt my chest heave as I gasped, and from my neck, Mary shifted her hand, and swept my hair from where it rested against my back, the curls of my hair brushed against my chest.

The satin of her shirt brushed against my fingers, I had reached for her and found, touched her skin, and the collar of her shirt. Mary did not hesitate in her sweet, slow kisses and I felt nothing but desire, desire to touch, to feel, to be loved and wanted. Mary hadn't stepped in, she had always been there, always for me, while I cried… shouldn't I remain hers, hadn't I always been?