A/n: So here's the deal. Klytaemnestra is evil. ... Okay, not really. But there I was moaning and groaning about how severely I'm blocked for NAIS and how much I know I should write it and what a bad bad author I am and then Klytaemnestra over there makes a post about Naomi and Emily fitting into Princess Bride and before you could say "As you wish" my brain was going "YES. THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE."

Obviously, this is pretty tightly based on The Princess Bride. Since I'm in a hostel in Europe (thanks for the free wifi Europe!) I don't have access to either of my copies of the book (yes, either, I have more than one, don't judge me) nor do I have the movie on hand, so this is based off the script (International Script Database is such a convenient website). With my own twists and turns and interpretations at bits. As you'll be able to see I fit it into the Tell Me A Story universe, a bit further in the future from where that story is now.

You should all be warned: This is funny and fun and crack-tastic. All the characters are a little (or a lot) OOC. I apologize to Klytaemnestra for switching some of your original casting around, but it was a bit more convenient this way. Because this is based off something it should be updated pretty frequently, but don't hold me to that. Un-beta'd as always so all mistakes are mine.

Disclaimer: I don't own Skins. I don't own The Princess Bride. I barely own a set of clean clothes at the moment. But this was a fuckton of fun to write.

Please keep your hands and feet inside the crack-fic at all times. And enjoy.


If there was one thing that Amelia Fitch-Campbell (Mia to everyone who knew her) hated more than anything else in the world it was being sick. When she was younger her parents had called her a nuclear reactor of energy and when she got older that hadn't gone away, only been refined and focused. She was the world's worst patient when she got sick: she fidgeted when she had to stay in bed, she never took her medicine on time, and she complained loudly about being bored.

Her Mama, Emily, said she got this from her Aunt Katie. Her Mum, Naomi, said that she got it from her Mama (but only when Emily wasn't around).

So that was why, at twelve-years-old, Mia wasn't happy about having to stay in bed with the flu. About day number three, in fact, she was practically unapproachable. She grumbled as she lay in bed and thoroughly and meticulously assassinated every target in Assassin's Creed three times over. It helped relieve her frustration. After a while she got bored and tossed the controller to the side, crossing her arms and scowling out the window. She could see a bit of her reflection in the glass and it only made her scowl harder.

Mia was in that stage of adolescence where everything about you is awkward. She was thin and lanky, and thanks to her newest growth spurt she hadn't exactly gotten complete control of her limbs yet. Her dark blonde hair brushed her shoulders but she hated doing anything with it and right at that moment it was rumpled and unkempt from countless hours in bed. Her face was already starting to develop the characteristics of a very pretty girl, and that would probably only be accentuated further the older she got.

Typically, she hated everything about herself.

The door to her room opened as she was contemplating everything about herself that she would change, and immediately the noise in her room doubled. Her little siblings were only six and still didn't grasp the concept of being quiet so their sister could get better.

"Hello love," her Mama sat on the edge of the bed and pressed her hand against Mia's forehead to check her temperature. "Feeling any better?"

Despite being in a generally bad mood, Mia smiled at her mother. She loved her parents more than words could possibly express.

"Not really," she answered honestly. Her voice came out raspy from all the coughing she'd been doing. "Can't you ask the twins to keep it down?"

Her mother frowned and opened the door a bit wider, sticking her head to call out 'Naoms? Settle them down, will you? They're bothering Mia', and almost immediately the noise from the other room quieted to a dull roar. Mia had a feeling that was her Mum's doing. As she knew from personal experience the Campbell glare was a frightening thing to be on the receiving end of.

Emily sat back down on her bed and fluffed her pillows for her. "Feeling up to a visitor?" she asked after Mia had (semi-obediently) taken her medicine.

Mia shrugged one shoulder tiredly. "Maybe. Not Jason and Sian, I can't deal with them. Or Abby."

Her mother laughed. "It's neither your brother and sister nor your cousin. Want to guess?"

Mia's curiosity piqued. She sat up a little straighter in bed. "David Beckham?" she asked hopefully.

The door swung open and one of her favorite people walked in carrying a bundle under their arm. Gina Campbell raised one eyebrow in a perfect imitation of her daughter (and her granddaughter). "Now why would I be David Beckham?" she asked.

"Gram!" Mia grinned, not at all perturbed that a famous football player didn't walk in instead. "Is that a present for me?"

Her mother and grandmother exchanged eyerolls. "The more things change, the more they stay the same," her Mama said. She stood up as her mother-in-law pulled Mia's desk chair over to the side of the bed. "I'll be making dinner if you need me." Her Mama left and shut the door firmly behind her, effectively muffling the sound coming from the rest of the house.

"So?" Mia prompted as her grandmother got settled. "Is it?"

"Is it what?" Gina teased.

"Gram. Is it a present for me?"

Gina chuckled. "In a way." She held up the rectangular object in her hands and watched her granddaughter's reaction.

Mia frowned. "A book? I'm your poor, sick, and might I add favorite grandchild all cooped up in bed and you brought me a book to read? That's not going to help with my head, Gram."

"I know it's not," Gina agreed. "That's why you're going to lie back and I'm going to read it to you."

"That could work," Mia conceded reluctantly. She loved reading, she really did, but the last thing she wanted to do was listen to a story when she would much rather be playing outside. Finally she sighed and cuddled back into her pillows, resigning herself to her fate. "S'not like my video games are very fun anymore. Is it a good book at least?"

Gina gasped dramatically and clutched at her chest. "A good book?" she repeated. "It's got everything. Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles."

With every word Mia's eyebrows shot up farther until they were in real danger of disappearing into her hairline. "I guess that…doesn't sound too bad," she said finally. "I'll try and stay awake."

"Oh, well thank you very much," Gina said sarcastically. "It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming." She thumbed open the first page, set her glasses on her nose, and began to read: "The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Naomi…"

"Gram!" Mia interrupted immediately. When Gina looked up the twelve-year-old had a mischievous smile etched all over her face. "Did you just take the main characters and switch them out for Mum and Mama?"

"Maybe," Gina tapped the side of her nose and winked. "It's more fun that way, don't you think?" When Mia nodded she pushed her glasses back into place and started again. "Naomi was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin…"


Naomi Campbell was probably the most beautiful person in the world. This could be contested by other beautiful people in the world, but it was still the truth. In fact, if she took more care of herself she would most definitely be the most beautiful. As it was she liked her white-blonde hair the way it was: short and choppy, all the better to keep it out of her face. She liked horses more than she liked people, and rarely ever spoke without some form of sarcasm on the tip of her tongue. Her bright blue eyes captured the interest of almost everyone who saw them, if she spared them more than a cursory glance that is.

Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm girl that worked for her family. Her name was Emily, but she never called her that.

Emily's whole family worked for the Campbells, but it was only Emily that Naomi ever tormented. The other girl always seemed to be around, either helping her mother in the house, or her father in the yard, or her brother in the stables. Everything about the other girl got on Naomi's nerves: her vibrant red hair that was too bright and rich and the way it stuck to her forehead when she worked up a sweat doing chores, the dimple in the corner of her cheek that only showed up when she smiled widely enough, and how uncomfortable it made her feel whenever she noticed those brown eyes watching her.

She got on Naomi's nerves, and so nothing gave Naomi as much pleasure as ordering Emily around.

One day Naomi got home from riding (she rode every afternoon, rain or shine) and slid fluidly off her horse just in front of Emily, who was kneeling in the garden. Naomi didn't like the twisting sensation that happened in her gut when she noticed Emily kneeling over in the dirt and so an order came out automatically.

"Farm girl," she said snottily, and ignored the way her stomach twisted tighter when Emily looked up at her. "Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

Emily stood up and brushed her hands against her trousers. It irked Naomi that they seemed to have the same view of wearing dresses: if they didn't have to, they didn't at all. Emily was smaller than Naomi and would probably have been described as fragile if it weren't for the fluid way her muscles worked underneath her skin. Her tunic was a little too big and slid along her shoulder as she sketched a cursory bow.

"As you wish," she said quietly, watching Naomi the whole time. Her voice was low and a little raspy, sounding perpetually like she'd just gotten over a cough. 'As you wish' was all she ever said to Naomi, and the blonde girl refused to let herself think that maybe the reason she ordered Emily around so much was because it gave her a chance to hear the other girl speak.

That was normal. That was routine. Nothing in the weeks or months or years changed that. Naomi would order and Emily would answer and do as she was told. It wasn't until one day when they were eighteen that things changed at all.

Naomi stormed outside in a dark mood and threw two large buckets towards where Emily was taking a break eating an apple in the shade of a tree.

"Farm girl," she snapped, and her heart sped up faster when Emily pushed herself up onto her elbows to look at her. A bit of collarbone peaked out underneath the tunic that was still too big. "Fill these with water –" There was a long beat where Naomi seemed to be arguing with herself before she ended with, "– please."

Like always, Emily's eyebrow quirked up. The corner of her mouth lifted in a small smile and her eyes were bright and playful as she answered, "As you wish."

Naomi nodded tersely and started to storm back towards the house, but she still felt eyes on her back. She pivoted immediately on her heel to give Emily a piece of her mind about making people feel uncomfortable and stopped when brown eyes met blue across the yard.

That day, in a sudden flash of realization, she was amazed to discover that when she was saying "As you wish," what Emily actually meant was "I love you".

But even more amazing was the day Naomi realized that she truly loved her back.

Naomi was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, actually rather bored. Everyone had gone to the town except for herself because someone needed to stay behind. And Emily was around somewhere working as well, she had been assured by her parents (who had no idea that being told they were leaving her alone on the farm with Emily for an undetermined amount of time was not reassuring at all). Just as that thought crossed her mind the other girl elbowed her way through the door, arms full of firewood.

Not for the first time Naomi found herself marveling at the amount of strength in a girl so small. The other girl didn't even notice she was in the room until Naomi, a little put out about being ignored, kicked her feet against the counter petulantly. Emily jumped and almost dropped her burden but quickly turned the motion into a respectful nod and went about putting the firewood away again.

A frown slipped onto Naomi's face all on its own. She didn't want a nod.

"Farm girl," she snapped, and Emily looked up from putting the wood away. The other girl brushed a wayward piece of bright red hair out of her face and for some reason the motion made Naomi's scowl deepen. Naomi gestured to a pitcher on the counter halfway between herself and Emily. "Fetch me that pitcher."

It was a completely unnecessary order and that was obvious to both of them. The pitcher was well within Naomi's reach. Nevertheless Emily stood up and dusted her hands off on her shirt before grabbing the pitcher and bringing it over.

Quite abruptly Emily was far closer than Naomi thought she would be. Two steps to the right and the redhead would be standing between Naomi's legs. She didn't do anything as bold as that, of course, instead just quietly holding the pitcher out for her to take with that same peaceful expression and intense gaze she always had. Naomi's breath hitched oddly and she started to question why she had even asked Emily to do anything.

She grabbed the pitcher with a bit more force than necessary. Their fingers brushed. But instead of moving closer Emily just backed away again, the corner of her mouth turning up in that fondly amused smile like she knew something Naomi didn't.

"As you wish," she said quietly, and walked back out into the yard.

Something inside Naomi snapped. It wasn't a bad snap. Rather, it was more like something inside her chest clicked into place and she suddenly felt happier, less lonely. She was out the door before she could question herself.

Her legs were longer, she caught Emily just outside the small house that belonged to the Fitches and all it took was Emily's bright eyes and delighted grin to spur Naomi into action. Very abruptly her lips were on Emily's and it was warm and passionate and perfect. Emily brought her hand up behind Naomi's neck to pull her closer and Naomi sighed into the kiss because it had all finally fallen into place in her head: she'd never known a day without Emily and she didn't want to know a day without Emily.

It wasn't perfect. Naomi's parents were delighted, but Emily's were subtly disapproving. When it came up that Emily was planning on marrying Naomi they refused to contribute any amount of money to help get them set up on their own. Emily had no money for marriage without them, and so she packed up what little she had and left the farm to seek her fortune across the sea.

On the day she left Naomi's heart thumped painfully inside her chest and refused to stop hurting. They stood outside the gate to the farm for a long time with their arms around each other, locked in an embrace.

"I fear I'll never see you again," Naomi said. Her voice was quiet and sad.

Emily's arms tightened around her and she smiled, her lips brushing the bare skin of Naomi's neck because they were standing so close together. "Of course you will," she said confidently.

Naomi's hands clenched so tightly that she twisted up the back of Emily's shirt. The redhead didn't complain. She knew Naomi was fighting desperately to keep tears at bay. They were silent for a bit as Naomi got control of herself. Finally she whispered her greatest fear into Emily's hair. "But what if something happens to you?"

"Hear this now," Emily said. She slid out of Naomi's grasp and reached up to cup the blonde's face between her hands. She lifted Naomi's chin to make sure the other girl knew she meant every word. Her gaze was intense. "I will come for you."

Naomi leaned into the touch but her eyes were sad. "But how can you be sure?"

Emily grabbed the back of Naomi's neck and pulled her down so their foreheads pressed together. "This is true love," she said, and her eyes were bright and playful again, just like every time she had said 'as you wish' and meant something else. "You think this happens every day?"

Naomi laughed, and if it was a little watery they both pretended not to notice. She kissed Emily and kept kissing her until they were both breathless and a little heartbroken. And although it killed her Emily stepped out of Naomi's arms and grabbed her things and set off down the road. She didn't look back, because she knew if she did that she'd never be able to make herself leave, but Naomi watched her go until it was physically impossible to see her anymore.

Of course, this would not be a good story if that was the end.

Emily didn't reach her destination. Her ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Naomi got the news that Emily was murdered she went into her room and shut the door. And for days she neither slept nor ate. The brown of the wood in her room reminded her of bright and playful eyes. The red of the sunset reminded her of vibrant hair pulled up away from a gorgeous face.

She sat on her bed and stared out the window and promised she'd never love again.


A/n: THIS IS SO EXCITING.