The Lord of the Jeans
By Andrea Tee Shao Wen
Obligatory Legal Disclamer Thingy: OK. This fic' has not been authorised by the Tolkien Estate, New Line Cinema or anyone else with a connection to the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings, names and related indicia is a trademark of the JRR Tolkien Estate and does not belong to me, though I sure as heck wish it did. Err. thank you. Now read this fic.
For Dad and Shari. Happy Birthday! Also for Mum & Ryan.
Three Crates for the traffickers under the ground Seven for the marketers to be theirs alone, Nine for the Dork Riders to share all around One for the Dork Lord on his Dork throne One Jeans to Rule them all, One Jeans to Shrink them, One jeans to Fade them all And in the Dorkness bind them.
Chapter one = A long-dreaded party
It was a lovely summer's day in Little Hearth. Lovely for everyone that is, except Fido Shaggings.
Fido sat in his large, overstuffed armchair, staring off into empty space and brooding. (He had chosen this as a favourite pastime as this actually happened to make him look marginally intelligent.) His gardener, Phlegm Andpee, was clipping the rose bushes outside.
The reason for Fido's dire mood that day was none other than his uncle, Bit O' Shaggings who had lost his mind as the result of over consummation of Farmer Faggot's pickled onions. On the upside, the onions had given Bit O' an abnormally long life thus enabling him to live up to a hundred and eleven; the cause for today's big celebration up in Bobbiton.
If he knew his uncle correctly, the party would be a wild one. Lots of spitting, swearing and throwing up all around. Fido's idea of a good time involved a quiet game of cards, munching a carrot or two and curling up in his little Bobbit hole with his favourite book (Baby's First Words) which he found extremely deep and very challenging indeed.
Fido was drawn from his train of thought by a pounding in his head. (Brooding was hard work) So he slid from his chair to make himself a pot of strong tea. And who should he run into at that very moment but Dandruff the Puce- a wizard and strong opposer of the Dork side.
"Well, hello, Dandruff! Jolly good to see you."
"Mrrrtsghp." was all the answer Dandruff could muster. The Dork Lord Saulang had stolen Dandruff's one and only toothbrush for his own dork and dire purposes. Without the convenience of oral cleaning agents, the wizard soon found that all his teeth had left him.and he was always misplacing his dentures.
After several minutes of searching his voluminous robes, Dandruff retrieved something that looked very suspiciously like a lump of clay which, to Fido's disgust, he stuffed into his mouth with much aplomb. "Good to see you too, Fido." The wizard said, adjusting his false teeth with a tweak of his little finger. "I am here on a diplomatic mission."
"From Alderaan?" Fido cried, clapping his hands in joy. Star Wars had come out early in DVD that year and was one of his favourite movies. "Are we going to blast the Death Star?'
Dandruff shot him a withering look. "No, young Fido. Your uncle." checking for people within earshot, Dandruff bent down and whispered in Fido's ear. "Has something I would very much desire to have."
"Ooooh! What is it?"
"The Dork Lord Saulang has been up to his dork tricks again. This time, he's marketing counterfeit jeans in the underground. Bit O' has stumbled accidentally upon a pair of very expensive (fake) Levis. It must be destroyed before some unsuspecting Elf buys them and they shrink.and.and.he will be crushed! Crushed to the consistency of instant soup mix-the ones that come in those cute little packets-crushed, I tell you!" Dandruff was breathing hard, now. And his position near Fido's rather large nose was making the Bobbit feel extremely uncomfortable.
"Yed, Dandrud," Fido said placatingly, pinching his (Fido's) nose. "Don'd worry. Bud how did Bid O' ged dhe jeans?"
"They were dropped by the creature Bottom."
"From Bottom enterprises©? The pipe marketing company?" Fido cried, aghast.
"Indeed. Saulang has many spies. Birds.beasts.math teachers.even the people at Bottom Enterprises©. The jeans must be destroyed! You must do this."
"Why?!"
Dandruff gripped the Bobbit's arm tightly, gesturing violently with his free hand. "Because, Fido, the jeans have a magic pull. It wants to be worn! And when that happens, the consequences will be terrible."
"But what does that have to do with me?" Fido whined. "I'm going to sulk."
"Fido, only two of us know that these jeans have been worn by Bit O' Shaggings. Only we know how unsanitary your uncle is. With this knowledge in mind, you will be able to resist it's siren call! Do you understand?!" Dandruff cried, eyes popping scarily. "And besides, I've got an appointment with my manicurist tomorrow."
"Oh." Fido couldn't come up with anything else. 'oh' had pretty much used up all the possibilities.
He needn't have worried, however, for Dandruff had popped his head out of the window and yanked Phlegm into the hole by the pointy ears. "Phlem Andpee! What are you doing here?!"
"You elongated my ears, you paranoid old fart!" Phlegm yelled, whacking Dandruff over the head with his trowel. "I was just digging up the carrots!"
"How much did you hear?!"
Phlegm yanked the headphones off his head. "Nothing! Clear nothing! I was listening to the radio you old fool!"
"I don't believe you." Dandruff said, curling his lip suspiciously. "You're going to follow Fido to the hotel of the Hopping Horse. And don't you dare try anything funny!"
Striding to the wardrobe and bumping his head several times on the beams, Dandruff eased the rancid, sweat-dripping article of clothing from the drawer and tossed it at Fido. "Look at the label, Fido! What do you see?!"
"Made in Taiwan." The Bobbit said, peering through the grime.
"No, No! The other label!"
"I.I see.linty markings. But I cannot read them."
"Ah. It is just as I feared." Said Dandruff looking thoroughly delighted. "It is the dork language of Bordor. It reads 'One Jeans to Rule them all, One Jeans to shrink them. One Jeans to fade them all, and in the dorkness bind them.' It is the One Jeans! The One Jeans that Saulang needs to start an empire of counterfeit denim!"
"I am ready. What must I do?" Fido asked, sticking his chest out. Phlegm, in a fit of spite, prodded him on the bum with a spade.
"Go! To the hotel of the Hopping Horse!" The wizard cried, booting them out the door. Watching them stagger down the street, Dandruff wondered if he should have told them about the Nine Dork Riders. Hmm. Maybe not.
End of Chapter One
Obligatory Legal Disclamer Thingy: OK. This fic' has not been authorised by the Tolkien Estate, New Line Cinema or anyone else with a connection to the Lord of the Rings. The Lord of the Rings, names and related indicia is a trademark of the JRR Tolkien Estate and does not belong to me, though I sure as heck wish it did. Err. thank you. Now read this fic.
For Dad and Shari. Happy Birthday! Also for Mum & Ryan.
Three Crates for the traffickers under the ground Seven for the marketers to be theirs alone, Nine for the Dork Riders to share all around One for the Dork Lord on his Dork throne One Jeans to Rule them all, One Jeans to Shrink them, One jeans to Fade them all And in the Dorkness bind them.
Chapter one = A long-dreaded party
It was a lovely summer's day in Little Hearth. Lovely for everyone that is, except Fido Shaggings.
Fido sat in his large, overstuffed armchair, staring off into empty space and brooding. (He had chosen this as a favourite pastime as this actually happened to make him look marginally intelligent.) His gardener, Phlegm Andpee, was clipping the rose bushes outside.
The reason for Fido's dire mood that day was none other than his uncle, Bit O' Shaggings who had lost his mind as the result of over consummation of Farmer Faggot's pickled onions. On the upside, the onions had given Bit O' an abnormally long life thus enabling him to live up to a hundred and eleven; the cause for today's big celebration up in Bobbiton.
If he knew his uncle correctly, the party would be a wild one. Lots of spitting, swearing and throwing up all around. Fido's idea of a good time involved a quiet game of cards, munching a carrot or two and curling up in his little Bobbit hole with his favourite book (Baby's First Words) which he found extremely deep and very challenging indeed.
Fido was drawn from his train of thought by a pounding in his head. (Brooding was hard work) So he slid from his chair to make himself a pot of strong tea. And who should he run into at that very moment but Dandruff the Puce- a wizard and strong opposer of the Dork side.
"Well, hello, Dandruff! Jolly good to see you."
"Mrrrtsghp." was all the answer Dandruff could muster. The Dork Lord Saulang had stolen Dandruff's one and only toothbrush for his own dork and dire purposes. Without the convenience of oral cleaning agents, the wizard soon found that all his teeth had left him.and he was always misplacing his dentures.
After several minutes of searching his voluminous robes, Dandruff retrieved something that looked very suspiciously like a lump of clay which, to Fido's disgust, he stuffed into his mouth with much aplomb. "Good to see you too, Fido." The wizard said, adjusting his false teeth with a tweak of his little finger. "I am here on a diplomatic mission."
"From Alderaan?" Fido cried, clapping his hands in joy. Star Wars had come out early in DVD that year and was one of his favourite movies. "Are we going to blast the Death Star?'
Dandruff shot him a withering look. "No, young Fido. Your uncle." checking for people within earshot, Dandruff bent down and whispered in Fido's ear. "Has something I would very much desire to have."
"Ooooh! What is it?"
"The Dork Lord Saulang has been up to his dork tricks again. This time, he's marketing counterfeit jeans in the underground. Bit O' has stumbled accidentally upon a pair of very expensive (fake) Levis. It must be destroyed before some unsuspecting Elf buys them and they shrink.and.and.he will be crushed! Crushed to the consistency of instant soup mix-the ones that come in those cute little packets-crushed, I tell you!" Dandruff was breathing hard, now. And his position near Fido's rather large nose was making the Bobbit feel extremely uncomfortable.
"Yed, Dandrud," Fido said placatingly, pinching his (Fido's) nose. "Don'd worry. Bud how did Bid O' ged dhe jeans?"
"They were dropped by the creature Bottom."
"From Bottom enterprises©? The pipe marketing company?" Fido cried, aghast.
"Indeed. Saulang has many spies. Birds.beasts.math teachers.even the people at Bottom Enterprises©. The jeans must be destroyed! You must do this."
"Why?!"
Dandruff gripped the Bobbit's arm tightly, gesturing violently with his free hand. "Because, Fido, the jeans have a magic pull. It wants to be worn! And when that happens, the consequences will be terrible."
"But what does that have to do with me?" Fido whined. "I'm going to sulk."
"Fido, only two of us know that these jeans have been worn by Bit O' Shaggings. Only we know how unsanitary your uncle is. With this knowledge in mind, you will be able to resist it's siren call! Do you understand?!" Dandruff cried, eyes popping scarily. "And besides, I've got an appointment with my manicurist tomorrow."
"Oh." Fido couldn't come up with anything else. 'oh' had pretty much used up all the possibilities.
He needn't have worried, however, for Dandruff had popped his head out of the window and yanked Phlegm into the hole by the pointy ears. "Phlem Andpee! What are you doing here?!"
"You elongated my ears, you paranoid old fart!" Phlegm yelled, whacking Dandruff over the head with his trowel. "I was just digging up the carrots!"
"How much did you hear?!"
Phlegm yanked the headphones off his head. "Nothing! Clear nothing! I was listening to the radio you old fool!"
"I don't believe you." Dandruff said, curling his lip suspiciously. "You're going to follow Fido to the hotel of the Hopping Horse. And don't you dare try anything funny!"
Striding to the wardrobe and bumping his head several times on the beams, Dandruff eased the rancid, sweat-dripping article of clothing from the drawer and tossed it at Fido. "Look at the label, Fido! What do you see?!"
"Made in Taiwan." The Bobbit said, peering through the grime.
"No, No! The other label!"
"I.I see.linty markings. But I cannot read them."
"Ah. It is just as I feared." Said Dandruff looking thoroughly delighted. "It is the dork language of Bordor. It reads 'One Jeans to Rule them all, One Jeans to shrink them. One Jeans to fade them all, and in the dorkness bind them.' It is the One Jeans! The One Jeans that Saulang needs to start an empire of counterfeit denim!"
"I am ready. What must I do?" Fido asked, sticking his chest out. Phlegm, in a fit of spite, prodded him on the bum with a spade.
"Go! To the hotel of the Hopping Horse!" The wizard cried, booting them out the door. Watching them stagger down the street, Dandruff wondered if he should have told them about the Nine Dork Riders. Hmm. Maybe not.
End of Chapter One