SOUND EFFECTS

DISCLAIMER: there is no intent to insult anyone's religious beliefs. If you take offence that is your problem, not mine.

Officer Terence O'Donnell was shot during a bank robbery. His good humor and bravery had always been appreciated by the rest of Dobey's Squad and they were now gathering at St Patrick's church to wish him a last farewell.

Starsky parked the Torino as close to the church as possible. He and Hutch had volunteered as pall-bearers and they were both dressed in full Dress Uniform with all their medals pinned to their chests. Starsky adjusted his tie and ran his fingers through his curly hair to smooth it down before fitting his cap tightly on his head. Hutch checked his own jacket and put on his cap. He grinned at Starsky. "How did you get your hair to behave in the end?" His partner looked sheepish; he had spent most of the previous day moaning that he might have to go to the barbershop, and making it sound as if that was a fate worse than death. "I went to see Aunt Rosa and she lent me something." Hutch stepped up close behind his friend and sniffed. "Hair spray! She lent you her hair spray!" He sniggered.

Starsky turned and gave him one of those cold sapphire stares that could shut up a college band in full Souza march. "Ok so I'm thinking of modeling for an Elnet ad; the stuff works Hutch even if it does stink."

They made their way to join the other two pall-bearers. The two other men nodded a greeting. Todd was the squad's resident smart-ass and he couldn't resist making a snide remark about Starsky's medals. Starsky said nothing but Hutch rose to the bait, "yea it's a shame he can't put his Purple Heart on his Police Uniform isn't it?" Todd turned away and ground the butt of his cigarette with his heel.

The hearse arrived and the four of them took up position to lift the coffin onto their shoulders. Hutch gave the rhythm; "ready, left foot first…let's go"; they walked down the central aisle of the church and placed the heavy coffin on the stand surrounded by flowers. They removed their caps and took their places. Starsky was sitting close to one of the pillars and he noted the loudspeaker mounted above his head.

He nudged Hutch "don't tell me the priest is going to be wired for sound."

"Sssh. He has a microphone so everyone in the place can hear him."

The ceremony began and Starsky took his lead from Hutch, standing when he stood and sitting when he sat; when Hutch knelt to join the prayers Starsky sat quietly.

Hutch kept glancing at Starsky. He knew his friend always felt uncomfortable in churches, he caught Starsky staring at the huge crucifix behind the altar and the distaste on his friend's face was obvious. He nudged Starsky "hey, don't scowl like that," he said under his breath. "Sorry but that thing is disgusting…and it ain't true; they tied 'em to the cross bar."

"I know but…" Hutch's answer was drowned out by the choir.

The priest continued with the ceremony. Starsky fought back nausea as he heard the distortion of what to him had always been the traditional Passover meal 'for this is my body…for this is my blood'. He sat trying to think of something else to distract him.

Then it happened. From where he was sitting Starsky could see that the priest was breaking something into a metal goblet. He closed his eyes. The loudspeaker next to him began relaying the sounds coming from the altar. "Crunch….crisp….crunch…."

He nudged Hutch and made a movement with his head to attract his attention to the loudspeaker. Hutch heard it too. He grinned and put a finger to his lips.

But Starsky was too far gone. He was pinching his nose between finger and thumb and shaking with suppressed giggles. One of the women behind him gave him a sad look – she obviously thought he was trying not to weep for a fallen colleague. Hutch kicked his leg. "Shut up Starsk!" he said under his breath. Starsky took a deep breath and managed to calm down. He spent the rest of the ceremony staring at the roof.

When it was time to carry O'Donnell's coffin out of the church Starsky had calmed down. The pall bearers placed the coffin in the hearse and returned to their cars to follow it to O'Donnell's final resting place.

"He was a good guy," Hutch said.

"Yeah, if there's a heaven I hope he went straight there."

"I'm sure he did."

"But he had the devil of a sense of humor."

O'Donnell had no family. His parents were both dead and they had left Ireland before he was born. He had left instructions that he wanted to be cremated – an unusual decision for a Catholic; but that was his last wish and it was respected. Starsky followed the hearse to the Crematorium. Once again he and Hutch lifted O'Donnell onto their shoulders and took him into the chapel.

This time the ceremony was entirely secular. Each member of the squad who had worked with the dead man said a few words.

When the speeches were made Dobey nodded to the official standing discreetly behind the coffin. The man pressed a button on the wall.

Hutch felt rather than heard Starsky's gasp and followed his gaze.

The coffin had started its progress out of sight. In all the cremations that Hutch had ever been to the coffin slid behind a curtain…but this time…

Hutch swallowed hard. Starsky's voice echoed in his head. "He had the devil of a sense of humor." Starsky was staring at the ceiling and his Adam's apple was bobbing as he suppressed the urge to laugh.

The coffin continued its slow descent.

…the devil of a sense of humor…..