Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or the adorable Ianto.
Rated: T for sexual, non-explicit content. Thematic elements.

It was totally wrong. How could I be doing this after what he'd done to Lisa? I wasn't even… God, I didn't even know anymore. Why would I be doing this if I wasn't? What was the point in even saying "I never" anymore? There were so many things I was doing I said "I never" would. I worked at an alien capturing business for Christ's sake.

Rush

Was I still just a tea boy? Honestly, what purpose did I serve them? At least back at Torchwood One I had a decent job. I had her…He didn't have use for me. With Gwen and Owen and Tosh, what did he need me for? Just…this? Whatever this was that I did for him?

Deliverance

I felt so empty. God, how I wanted to die. These people…they didn't know what they were doing. She understood me. I wasn't just the office eye-candy to her. What we had was something real. More real than any of the team would ever have. Owen's constant bed-hopping…Tosh's vulnerability… And then there was Gwen: getting back into bed with Rhys every night full of Owen. Then again, was I better than any of them? Being the way I was with the man who killed her?

Exhilaration

Why did I have to wake up? Why couldn't I have just died with her? Why couldn't I have just stayed the way I was when she killed me? Been killed at her hands instead of at the mercy of his? I knew now how it was that I stayed alive. The kiss that woke me up, like some kind of Snow White. His kiss. He kissed me and then killed her. But god, did it feel right when I woke up.

Fire

How could I forget how that felt? How it was the same every time since then? Was this really what I wanted…Or something I just needed? They all had each other to sleep with… He was the only one that even noticed I existed. Was that why I felt like I wanted him? Or did I just want the attention?

Breath

I looked down into his eyes. They burned with that intense blue that drove me mad. But why? He could see it. He must have known. Could anyone see how much I was in pain? Did anyone care that all they ever did was take advantage of me…in every way…

Adrenaline

Then why was I so jealous when I saw him with Gwen? When he flirted with anyone else? It was just his nature… And I needed him to save me…Every night in torture and bliss to save me. I couldn't be… Not with him… Not with the man who killed her… But that rush, the sound of his voice when he came, everything he ever was… I hated. And that hate brought me to a twisted joy.

R&R