Ohai! Thank you to those who read and reviewed I'll Remember. Your comments made my day. Are you guys ready for a new story? This one isn't sad like I'll Remember...don't worry, but it is intense if I do say so myself. And there may or may not be a lemon in one of these chapters. ;)

Warning: This story will be dark. Please be aware of that.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Do Not Go Gentle

Chapter One

It Happened That Night

"Be you brave my love?"

Her voice sweet as plum perfume. "Will you stay with me?"

Izanagi sighed; took his Lady in his arms, held her in the dark.

"Lie with me now, love." Her breath, snow upon his cheek. "Make me warm again."

She pressed with black lips, and in her kiss he tasted,

Ashes on her tongue.

- from the Book of Ten Thousand Days

xXx

He was looking at her again. Nanao could feel his warm, but affecting stare right down to her bones. The black brush touched the form in front of her lightly; the few kanji lines already on the white page; still, she couldn't bring herself to move it, not while he watched her. She began the move her left leg up and down subconsciously. She fought herself to not look back at him, but the thought of it was overwhelming, like an itch that could not be reached. She huffed in annoyance.

Then two hands appeared on her shoulders, rubbing their fingers into her muscles. She jumped at the sudden touch, but relaxed as the fingers began to do their magic. Nanao hummed to the calm motion of the deep pressure. A chuckle rang through her ears when she did that, and her eyes shot open, slapping away the hands.

"Taicho! What do you think you are doing?" she snapped, fixing her glasses and re-organizing everything on her desk.

"Nanao-chan looked so stressed so I thought I would help," he hummed in her ear.

"I don't need any help. I am fine."

She felt his hands back on her shoulders and froze. "But you're so tense. There are so many knots in your shoulders, Nanao-chan. That's no good."

Her fingers moved across her desk slowly, searching for her fan. However, it was nowhere to be found.

"Looking for this, sweet Nanao-chan?" Shunsui leaned over her shoulder, waving her fan in front of her.

She attempted to take it from him, only for him to move it farther from her. She stood up, trying again. "Give it!" she demanded.

"Only if Nanao-chan calms down."

She stood up in her chair, trying to take it again. "Taicho, give back my fan!"

He graced her with his legendary grin. "Nanao-chan, relax"

"Not until you give my fan back!" she said.

He backed up from her, moving around her desk. She followed with glaring eyes. He raised his arm above his head, making her jump for her fan. After a few jumps, Nanao stopped and huffed in annoyance. "Enough! Kyoraku-taicho, I demand you give my fan back to me immediately!"

He leaned in again, making her eye wide. "Or what, Nanao-chan?"

He was teasing her. It was clear that he was. He did this almost every Thursday around this time. Actually he did this everyday whenever Nanao wasn't looking. Staring at her with hose dark brown eyes of his and flashing that legendary grin of his. It made Nanao so…so…

Her hand balled up into fists, she narrowed her eyes at the man not knowing what to say. Why did he leave her speechless all the time? She has known this man for years, she should be able to stand up for herself and show him who was boss! Even though he was actually the boss. Still, she was her own person! And her Taicho was doing something utterly inappropriate! He needed to be taught that this was work time and play time was for another point in the day. She needed to tell him to stop this childishness and get back to work. She needed to…

But she couldn't when he started to get closer to her. He kept stepping towards her. And with every step he took, she took one back. They did routine until Nanao felt the solid wall against her back. Her breath caught when all she could see was her Taicho's tan chest. She was so close she could see and identify the small scars scattering his skin like tiny tattoos he never wanted. It took almost all her will power to stop herself by tracing each one of them. She couldn't let herself fall into darkness…she would never be able to live with herself if something happened to her Taicho. She cared for him so much…that was why she was saving him from herself.

Her chest moved up and down. His lingering scent of sake, a permanent feature, and the freshness of cherry blossom flowers and grass hit her nose like a strong reiastu. It almost pushed her forward into him, waiting more. She closed her eyes, sinking in this moment until the professional side of her snapped back to her senses and pushed away.

"Nanao," his deep, rumbling voice filtered her ears.

She glanced up to him, locking eyes with his. They were soft from what she could tell. His grin was replaced with a serious frown, but sadness was hidden deep behind his expression, something Nanao hasn't seen for years. Not since that night.

"Nanao-chan," his voice caught her again. His finger slowly moved against her cheek and down to her chin, holding it there. "What are you afraid of?"

His large hat shaded them from the outside world. Nanao felt as if they were the last two on Earth. His large body hid her from the outside, protecting her. She was shaking now. Not because of fear, but because of a darkness inside of her heart. One she could never let go. One she could never let him know about or let her own soul be taken away to Hell.

She couldn't stop herself by leaning her forehead against his chest. His hand had dropped and touched the top of her head gently. There Nanao let her eyes close again, releasing a few drops of tears. The salty waters streamed down her pale cheeks, landing on the wooden ground below. She quietly sniffed, hoping Kyoraku-taicho wouldn't hear. But when that finger appeared on her chin again, lifting it back up to his face, Nanao knew he could tell. He could always tell when she was off. He could tell when she was hiding something from him. He has probably known she was keeping something from him for years and years, but never bothered to ask her. She was never one to open up to her feelings or anything about herself. Kyoraku-taicho was the person who knew her the most and she made sure he knew only the bare minimum about her. Nothing more.

After all these years he only knew the bare minimum about her.

The bare minimum.

"I'm sorry, Taicho," she whispered, letting another tear fall.

She blinked, trying to clear her flooding eyes. His other hand appeared, whipping the tears away with his thumb. He gave her a small smile. "You shouldn't cry, Nanao-chan. No body as beautiful as you should."

She gasped, not knowing how to respond. He never said it so seriously before, she thought, holding his gaze. Usually he would have this teasing tone, but now… "Kyoraku-taicho….I…"

"Youuuhooo!" a high pitched call rang though the office. "Nanao-san, Kyoraku-taicho!"

Both Shunsui and Nanao moved away from each other just in time to see the shoji door slide open, revealing their blonde haired friend. Nanao wiped the rest of the tears away, walking passed Shunsui and Rangiku to her desk.

"I wasn't interrupting anything, was I?" Rangiku asked, placing her hand on her hip. "Because I can come back later if you two were…you know."

Nanao's eyes when wide and she twisted around, taking a pile of forms with her. "No, Rangiku-san, you weren't ."

"Good!" she jumped. "Because I'm here to talk to you guys about something totally awesome happening tomorrow tonight."

Nanao blinked, glancing quickly at Shunsui. He locked eyes quickly with her, returning to his regular, playful expression. Why did she have to get lost in a neon sea of stars whenever she caught his eyes?

"Nanao-san?"

Nanao sighed. "Sorry, Rangiku-san, um…you can tell Kyoraku-taicho all about it. I have to drop these forms off at first division."

She moved passed Rangiku fast, hoping to not stay longer. "But Nanao-san…."

Before Rangiku said more, Nanao shunpoed away, never looking back.

xXx

Shunsui couldn't help but stare at the door Nanao disappeared from. Nanao had always been the quiet type, but today there was something off about her. Around this time every year she was like this. The way she was acting was like a bomb about to go off. It made Shunsui's skin crawl with concern.

"Kyoraku-taicho? You alright?" Rangiku asked.

He smiled at her, tipping his hat up. "Sorry, Rangiku-san, you were saying something about tomorrow tonight?"

"Yes, well I wanted Nanao to be here too, but this has given me a much better idea! I think this would be a good opportunity, since Nanao-san and yours birthday are so close together, to throw a birthday extravaganza!" she moved closer to him, whispering, "But I think we should give Nanao-san a surprise party." She stood back up straight. "Of course, your birthday would be included but, I think it would give Nanao-san a great surprise."

Shunsui rubbed his stubble chin. "Hm, I like it. My Nanao-chan deserves something nice, doesn't she? Can you organize it by tomorrow, Rangiku-san?"

"Of course I can! Don't underestimate my power, Kyoraku-san. I can do anything once I put my looks into it. Leave it all to me."

"Excellent. Just make sure nobody tells Nanao-chan anything. I don't want anybody to spoil all the fun." He winked at her.

He turned back towards his desk, lowering his hat to hide his frown. He could hear Rangiku's excited giggling behind him. Her flashy reiastu filled the room to the brim. "Awesome! Then I shall tell people what is happening and to make sure Nanao-san is kept in the darkness about it. Oh and I'll put you in charge of Nanao-san, yeah? Okay, see you tomorrow at eight pm at the White Lotus restaurant."

He only gave her a quick nod, distancing himself from her voice as she left the office. All he could think about was Nanao and her tears. A quick flash of the past followed in his head. Her bloody, unconscious body in his arms. He found himself watching the Shinigami outside, feeling a spark of chill in his bones. Reflexive, distressed, his thoughts echoed Nanao's facial expressions. That night…where did you go?

What were you hiding from me, Nanao?

His tried to swallow, his mouth dry as ash.

What are you afraid of?

xXx

Nanao hid on the other side of her squad gates. There were no forms to be sent to the first, she was only carrying the budget plan, something that she and her Taicho only needed to see. In truth, she was avoiding to be near Kyoraku-taicho at the moment. His moving brown eyes made her heart melt into molten magma. She licked her lips. Her throat was dry as rice paper. At some point she would have to return back to the office to face his endless stares and bottomless words.

She placed her hand on her chest, cursing at the fact her birthday fell on that cursed day. Why did it have to happen on her birthday of all the days? Ever since that night, her relationship with Shunsui might've changed for the better. Nanao could tell a part of his soul had been altered to the unfortunate event due to her. It was as bad as the time Yadomaru-san left. She could tell from the way he had looked at her, holding her hand tightly in his, never leaving her sight for an instant. It was the worst night for both of them. One Nanao hope to never repeat.

She peaked from around the corner at the office window. I wonder what he's doing now.

Nanao had since felt Rangiku's reiastu leaving the eighth only minutes ago, letting her know that Shunsui would probably be passed out on the couch again. She sighed heavily, returning to her professional attitude.

Upon returning to the office, Nanao found herself in front of a peculiar person. One she had never seen before. A girl with glasses— a few years younger— stood in front of the office door. She seemed nervous, pacing back and forth, and pausing in front of the door, only to repeat her actions. Her brown curls bounced whenever she took a step. Her eyes blinked fast, showing her nervousness. And the glasses she wore fogged up so much she would take them off and clean them after every round.

Nanao walked up to her. "Excuse me? Can I help you?"

The girl jumped and looked at Nanao with shock. She looked back and forth between her and the door before scurrying off. Nanao raised an eyebrow at the retreating girl and shrugged. Probably another dare to confess love to Kyoraku-taicho. She sighed. "He seems to be getting more of those lately."

Nanao's hand paused at the door, her eyes lowering. Perhaps I should take the rest of the day off. She breathed deeply, her eyes back up and facing forward. No, I cannot think about the past anymore. It happened. It's done. It will never be repeated again. And so long as he doesn't know why I did it, then all will be well.

And she opened the shoji door.

xXx

She never did tell him the reasoning for what she did that night. She never told anybody. She could barely remember the night herself. Although the reason still stuck in her mind. It happened ten years ago and since then he has been trying to wean it out of her with no result. She would not speak of it…never again. But the darkness still lingered in her heart, a darkness she could never escape. And today, when she awoke naturally to the new light, she would have to live through the day that changed her life and the way she thought about her Taicho forever.

Yesterday, Shunsui had told her to sleep in and come in the office when she pleased, but he should know by now that she would be the first one to come in. And he would still come in around noon, lounge on the floor all day, probably bother her because it was her birthday, and leave. In short, it would be a normal day.

"A normal day."

She got up and did her normal morning routine. When she looked in the mirror, she paused to look more deeply at her image. The reflecting glass smiled back, tormenting her mind about what happened ten years ago. Nanao shook her head, looking away and taking a deep breath. "Today will be a good. I will smile and say good morning like any normal day. Yes, everything will be fine."

Walking out into the brisk summer morning, she smiled and listened to the silent, calm air of the Seireitei. The sun was just above the treeline, giving the vast landscape a new life. Nanao walked slowly to the office, taking her time and enjoying her morning to the best of her ability.

Once she unlocked the door to the office, she paused at the steps leading to the top. A familiar reiastu lingered in the morning air. A strong reiastu she had gotten used to after being around it for so long. She sighed heavily, knowing he had probably had been drinking the night before and was passed out on the floor surrounded by clay sake bottles.

When she had entered the office yesterday after her small, fake errand, she had found Shunsui standing in front of the window. Surprised by his unusual action, she walked over to him and without a word looked outside to see what he saw. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but she was still curious. But what surprised her the most was the darkness that shaded his eyes. His hat had been lowered to hide them and there was a deep frown painted on his face. Moments later, he told her he was leaving for the day and left without another word.

Nanao couldn't work on a single form after.

She braced herself for the worse, placing her hand on the shoji door. When she forced it open, her eyes widened by the fact her Taicho was at his desk, carefully writing on a piece of paper. Two piles were neatly stacked on his desk (one complete and the other not complete) and the smell of coffee stained the atmosphere.

Nanao walked in slowly, sliding the door closed. Shunsui looked up and smiled brightly. "Good morning, my sweet Nanao-chan! I hope you had a good sleep!"

"Yeah," she blinked, placing her bag on her desk, "uh, Taicho what are you doing?"

"What are you talking about, Nanao-chan? I'm doing work."

"I can see that…why?"

He frowned. "Why not? I am the Taicho after all. And besides," he got up from his chair with small grunt and walked over to her with his famous grin, "it's your birthday."

Nanao looked away from his looming gaze. "That shouldn't matter in the slightest, Taicho."

"Of course it matters, Nanao-chan! Many years ago today the most beautiful woman was born! How can it not matter?"

Nanao moved away from him, hiding her eyes behind her glasses. "Because it doesn't. It's just a normal day…like any other. My birth is nothing to celebrate."

She felt his hand on her shoulder moments later. "Nanao-chan, it matters to me." His voice had deepened and had grown more serious. "Today…is a special day. We need to remember—"

She slapped his hand away, cutting him off. "No, we don't need to remember anything!" she snapped, twisting around to him. His eyes made Nanao's heart break. How could she have just…? She took a breath and calmed down. "I'm sorry, Taicho. I shouldn't have spoken out of term."

He tilted his hat down to shade his eyes, leaving his frown upon his face. It felt like Nanao's heart was being stabbed by needles when he did his action. "Its fine, Nanao," he spoke, moving passed her towards the door, pausing. "Happy Birthday."

And he left without another word.

xXx

She couldn't concentrate on her work. The more the clock ticked away the more agitated and frustrated Nanao felt. It was only a little passed noon and she would've thought he'd be back by now with lunch in hand, but no…she couldn't even feel his reiastu meaning he was either one, blocking it, or two, too far away for her to feel it. Either way, there was no possible way her work was going to get done today.

Nanao clenched her teeth, holding in the crack that was coming forward. And in a quick movement, she picked up the clay ink bottle and threw it across the room. It shattered on the wooden wall, splattering it with dark ink. The colour ran down the wall like a slow stream, mimicking the tears running down Nanao's face.

She held her head in her hands, hiding her expression to whoever may be coming by. She sniffed, taking a deep breath, trying to calm the monster inside of her that wanted to lash out more. She bit her lip accidently, making it bleed. Red coloured her skin temporarily. Nanao's finger traced the open wound, placing a small light kido.

She cursed this day. She cursed it over and over. July seventh…that night…why can't I remember… Her eyes landed on the falling ink on the wall. …I'll never be able to get it back. I'll never be the same. My future…was ruined.

Her focus lingered on the thought more, until the sound of the shoji door opened and her Taicho walked in. Nanao's eye shot up to him, frozen. He looked at the wall and the broken pottery then to her. He raised an eye brown and Nanao looked down.

"I knew you were upset with me, Nanao-chan, but did you have to take it out on the ink pot?" he commented, hinting a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

Nanao's eyes perked back up to him. "I…" she breathed. "I'm not upset with you, Taicho. I'm just…"

He gave her a small smile. "I know, Nanao-chan. You don't have to say it."

"But, Taicho…I really am—"

"Nanao," he cut her off, "I forgive you."

She swallowed the dry lump in her throat. Silence filled the room, making his presence more difficult than he was gone. Her mouth felt like sandpaper. Her eyes felt swollen. And she wanted to run away from this day and wait until midnight when it was over for another year.

And then her Taicho spoke again. "Nanao-chan, you do know you can tell me anything, right? Whatever is bothering you, I am here to help. Whatever it is."

"I know," she muttered quietly, keeping her eyes away from him.

"Nanao," his footsteps stopped beside her chair. A piece of her hair was tucked behind her ear and she blinked away the incoming tears, "is this about what happened that night?"

A quick release of air and she looked at him with a hardening look. "Please don't, Taicho."

"Nanao, what happened that night…" his words were as soft as a blossoming cherry petal.

"I can't…not yet," she shook her head.

He stood up. "Nanao-chan, you know the faster we solve it, the faster it can go away. I'm sorry if I'm pushing you, but seeing you this upset…hurts."

It can never go away. She crossed her arms, looking at him. "It can't be solved. Please, let it go." Please….

He nodded. "Okay, Nanao-chan, I'll let go…if you can forgive me for being a horrible Taicho."

She gave him a small smiled. "You aren't a horrible Taicho. You certainly aren't the best, but you aren't the worst either."

He grinned. "Then where do you think I stand, sweet Nanao-chan."

"Hm, possibly the fifth maybe the fourth position."

"I can take that. Wait, who's the best then?"

She smiled at him even more. "Ukitake-taicho."

He frowned. "Juu-san! How is he a better Taicho than me?"

"I don't think I need to answer that, Taicho."

For the rest of the afternoon, all was well. Nanao had placed the thing she hated most about the day in the back of her mind.

But it would never be forgotten.

xXx

Although the sun was slowly going down, Shunsui couldn't help be still be worried about Nanao. Those small roadblocks they had encountered today happened because he was pushing her to talk about the unfortunate event. But even if it may be, the last ten years had been torture for him. Nanao would distance herself from him especially during this time of the year. In other years, she wouldn't say much either way and would keep their relationship professional. Still, what happened that night all those years ago didn't just change her, it changed him as well. It made the feelings for her more clear and intense. Life was fragile. The fact that he had almost lost her, he never wanted to see her in pain again. However, seeing her in such a mental state of hiding herself made his heart ache in giant tsunami waves. He wanted to help her, but he didn't know how. Just like her, he was lost.

Today was her birthday.

Shunsui always wanted to make her birthday the best, but Nanao never let him. She wanted to keep their relationship professional and nothing more. On these days, she would hide in her room and read a book on her birthday nights, only later getting dragged out by the SWA to a restaurant. Still, he wouldn't be able to interfere. SWA rules.

In the last ten years, he hadn't spent one birthday night with her. That was why tonight would be different.

She was sitting at her desk when he came back in. Shunsui smiled at himself at how much she had grown up after all these years. And tonight would be the start of a new chapter for both of them. Only if she allows me, he silently told himself.

"Nanao-chan!" he said. "I want to take you out for dinner."

"Not happening, Taicho," she answered swiftly.

"But, Nanao-chan. We never spent any time together on your birthday."

"What are you talking about? We spent most of the day together."

"But that was doing work…and other things…I want to treat you to something special tonight. I want to give you a gift you shall never forget. Can you let your dear old Taicho do that for you?"

She eyed him and sighed. "I guess. But not too long…and nothing fancy. Don't expect me to change."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, my dear Nanao-chan. Whatever makes your birthday more amazing."

She walked passed him and once she did, he frowned.

Nanao…

He walked out of the office, locking the door behind him.

…will I ever know what happened that night ten years ago?

xXx

She didn't know where he was leading her.

Nanao followed briskly behind her Taicho's footsteps. There were no words spoken, no heavy breathing, just pure and utter silence. There was no exchange of glances or teasing attempts at touching. There was nothing. And that was how Nanao wanted it to be.

As long as we don't get too close…he'll be safe.

But hear ached still, as if pins were being stabbed into it. The way she acted around him today…it wasn't like her. She hated herself and how she acted towards him today. She could always tell him what happened ten years ago, stopped this nonsense once and for all. But ten years…what would change after she told him?.

Was he ever going to stop?

Was he ever going to let her go?

She was suddenly in a dark room. Shunsui had somehow disappeared and it was pure quiet. Before she could manage to call out his name, she jumped to the flashing of the lights being turned on and a loud "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NANAO!" by at least fifty people.

She was stunned. Her feet stuck to the floor. She didn't know whether to killed Shunsui or…no, she was going to kill him.

Her eyes found him in the crowd as people started to come towards her, wishing her happy birthday and trying to make conversation. Rangiku was the first one, babbling how it was all her idea and how Shunsui really was the one who told her to go for it. Nanao's eyes moved to her friend right when she said that, and gave her a smile and a hug. "Thank you, Rangiku-san. I am definitely surprised by all of this."

"Of course, were celebrating Kyoraku-taicho's too, but you are the star of the night tonight. Have a few drinks, talk, mingle, and who knows," Rangiku winked, "maybe you'll end up sharing a bed with a Taicho we all know."

Nanao blushed. "I doubt that, Rangiku-san, but thanks."

"So hey, I hear Kyoraku-taicho has a surprise for you in the back room. For your eyes only…go on," she said in Nanao's ear.

Nanao didn't know what to do. She was already done for the night. Her brain was at max capacity of stress overload. And like she had told her Taicho, her birthday was nothing to celebrate.

Not since it reminds me of that night.

She pulled back the purple curtains to the back room, letting herself be immersed in warm candle light glow. In the middle of the room was a small round table, with a white table cloth, and two chairs around it. Standing beside it was none other than her Taicho. She smiled, shaking her head. "What is this?"

"I told you I was taking you out for dinner, so here we are." He pulled the chair out for her and motioned her to sit.

She looked at him as he sat down. His hat was off and his pink kimono was gone off his shoulders, leaving his white haori visible. "I never see it enough," she said.

"Hm?"

"Your captain's haori."

"Oh! Well, you know me…always wanting to be different."

"Right." Her fingers traced the edge of the table cloth, trying to think of a subject. "So…a surprise party? Really?"

"It was Rangiku-san's idea. I only told her to go forward with it."

"Taicho, you know I hate surprises."

"Which is even a better reason to throw one. Besides, Nanao-chan, you spent every one of your birthdays alone. Well, except the few hours the SWA drags you out, but even then…I've never in the last ten years spent one birthday night with you."

"And you already know why."

"No, I don't, Nanao-chan, because you never told me what happened that night."

She blinked at hi through the candle light. "Taicho…"

"You already know how worried I was…I've told you many times. I didn't know where you were, what you were doing. When you came back covered with scratches and blood…Nanao," his large hand caught her small one on the table, "I thought I was going to lose you."

"But you didn't," she moved her hand away, feeling her heart leaping from her chest. "Taicho, we've spoken about this, twice today in fact and many time before. . I can't tell you what happened that night because I can't remember."

"Then tell me why you left? I've been asking you this question for years without an answer and I want one. Nanao-chan, what makes you so afraid?"

I don't want to lose you…Her eyes locked with his and shook her head. He needs to know part of the truth at least. "I can't tell you because…"

"What?"

She shrugged. "I can't remember. I'm sorry." She placed her hand on her head, feeling a headache coming on.

"Whatever happened is still affecting you. You understand this? Ten years and you've done nothing to solve what has happened. Telling me the full truth will help."

"I've already told you everything!" she cried.

"Nanao, I've known you for decades to know that's not true. Don't you think I know you're hiding something? For ten years I've let it slide. I've let it not bother me but no more. I'm done seeing you like this. You're hurting."

"And why should you care?" she stood up, her eyes wide and voice shaking. "Why do you keep asking? It doesn't even involve you. My life…is my own. Anything that happens outside of work is nobody's business but my own. So why should I tell you?"

"Because I'm in love with you!"

So...should I continue or nah? Let me know in the reviews! I love love love reviews!