Title: Who I use to be

Category: Angst, Slash (MCSHEP) H/C Suicidal thoughts(no actual suicide) WIP

Rating: M

Summary: After an accident, Rodney loses his memories.

Notes: This is a complete rewrite to If you love me, let me go. I know it wasn't very good, but It has potential and I am using this fic to max that out.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything of anything to do with Stargate Atlantis. NO harm meant toward the actors, writers nor the show itself. No harm meant toward Evanescence for use of her lyrics. Remember:: Fake. Not real. Enjoy!

SGASGA

Johns POV

Life is such turmoil, sometimes I think I want just want to put a quick end to it.

I wonder if the pain really does go away when you seize to exist in this physical realm. I've read, I've seen and I've known others that have taken that as a permanent escape from living a life they just can't take a hold of any longer. But, I still wonder?! When that blade hits your skin, or when those pills flow down your throat, or even when that bullet leaves your gun . . . Is that the end of the anguish? Does the emotional distress finally come to an end? Or are you lost in oblivion. Lost in the sorrows of what went wrong, and/or what could have been. Is there really a god? Is there such a thing as hell? Is there a life ever after?! So many things to ponder that I really can't grasp my head around it. I'm lost in this world, all alone and have no idea if I'll ever find my way out.

Only memories are what I have what was once was. We were so good at hiding the truth, holding back those feelings from the outside world that even our dearest friends never knew.

I love him, Truly, deeply, madly. I loved him with ever fiber of my soul. Would swim the waters of Atlantis for as long as he wished? Anything he asked, I wouldn't hesitate. Yes, I say that now: But, I do believe if he ever asked anything beyond of my own strength, I would find a way to complete it. Just to see him smile, would be worth any amount of hardships on my part. His smile: I love his smile. It's such a rare treat for others, but it's something I would never take for granted if given the chance again.

Oh, god I ache.. My heart aches that he's gone. .

I miss him so much, I just want to go and drag him back with me.

Forget what the Doctors say.

Forget what Elizabeth says.

Forget what Rodney himself might say.

I know I can make him remember! They didn't give me enough time with him. They rarely gave us a moment alone, so how was I suppose to make him remember me?!

Remember us?!

Review On the right track on trash it?

Preview: possibly for chapter two

If he were to hear my thoughts right now, I know I'd never hear the end of it.

"How could you be so incredibly stupid!?"

"What is wrong with you????!"

"I didn't fall in love with an imbecile! So stop pretending you are of subnormal intelligence."