A/N: This is only the second fanfiction I've ever done, and I'm hoping it goes better than the last one. If you don't happen to be one of the 35 or so people that read it, it was a four-pager of Neji and Sasuke being douchebags to each other (where'd that idea go wrong?) and the chance of people reading it was slim to start out with considering it was a oneshot with those two that wasn't yaoi (as if there wasn't enough of that out there). Anyway this is a fanfic about Naruto's binge after Sakura acts as we'd expect her to. Enjoy
Disclaimer: All parts of Naruto belong to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.
Heartbreaker
Ch 1: Why'd she do it man?
"*hic* oh Jesus… *retch*… AGH! Fuck!" Onlookers cringed at the sight that greeted them in the village spot of expected merriment. Uzumaki Naruto, brilliant shinobi, last of a great clan, loyal friend, and savior of the entire village was brought to his knees, quite literally. Oh, how the mighty had fallen. Said mighty shinobi gave the concerned bartender a few extra bucks on account of the new mess he'd made. His eyes shifted between his half filled beer mug and his recently emptied shot glass. The bartender was an older, slightly large man in a formal vest, washing a mug with a rag as bartenders do while helping blues-ridden young men with their problems.
"What's got you down, son?" the bartender asked the visibly wrecked genius. The distraught mass of booze and chakra responded with a mix between a mutter, a shout, a hiccup, a retch, a burp, and an outright expression of despair. 'Well, he has had a lot,' thought the elder of the two, and decided to give him a second chance. "How's about you chase that purge you had earlier, gather your thoughts, and take another stab at that one?"
"…mgthphlirghthbfgtmgtferderndkr…"
'At least he's getting closer…'
"…Yu wouldn believe me…"
The bartender chuckled at this display of the ninja's naivete, "I've heard a lot of fucked up shit son, trust me. Come on; out with it."
"Heh…" Naruto chuckled bitterly. "I wouldn't wanna trubble ya widdit…" he said just as bitterly as he noticed a Led Zeppelin song he liked in the background. 'Wha line comes next again…?'
"It's the way you call me another guy's name when I try to make love to you!" 'GAH! FUCK!!!' He said as he tried desperately to stop the flashback of a few hours ago from overtaking him. |Flashback| "Oh, Oh! Ohh, OH SASUKE!!" |End Flashback|
'Ah shit,' thought the suddenly weary bartender. He saw the youngun's response to the certain line of the song and suddenly a wave of realization washed over him and he felt sorry for the kid. The dried trails of tears were now flowing with sadness once again and one of the eyes that said tears were now flowing was actually twitching from the tension of all the negative emotions stuffed into such a small space. "I'm sorry sonny."
"Fill it." Naruto squeezed out, though which glass he meant was unclear. The bartender, taking the most likely of the two, filled the shot glass with the dirt-cheap rotgut bourbon that was most-likely the best the sad ninja could afford, at least at the almost physically impossible rate at which he was going through it. He downed it. "More."
"Look kid you can't—"
"Did I fuckin' stutter?" The bartender stopped in his tracks, genuinely shocked at the previously sedate adolescent's newfound rage.
He also stopped because the customer looked up with bloodshot, anger filled, 'Wait what the fuck? Why are his pupils slits?' Scared shitless at this display, the bartender filled Naruto's glass, racking Naruto's tab to a new ridiculous high. He downed it. He also didn't notice a weird eye-guy coming to sit down next to him. He looked a little too distinguished to be in a dump like this, but hell, he was always pleased to be in the company of high-clansmen.
"Jesus Christ, Naruto…" Mr. clan robes looked genuinely concerned for the kid; the bartender was surprised. Most of the higher shinobi clans viewed the nine-tails kid as scum, at least last time he'd checked. Then again that was a while ago.
"What?"
"You're a fucking mess. You need to go home man. It's 3 AM and judging from the vomit on both sides of you, I'd say you've been at this for a while."
"Why'd she do it man?"
Neji was caught off guard. "What happened?" He asked as the barkeep sighed and got Neji a hastily requested beer.
"She still loves him man… After every fuckin thing, she still loves him… I mean fuck! He hasn't even talked to her since we were fuckin twelve and she even told me I didn't have to try and bring him back a second time but she still wants his fuckin dick!"
"Didn't he talk to her when you brought him back the first time?" Neji said, desperately trying to poke some sort of hole in his drunken logic.
"Unless you count 'Hn,' 'You're Annoying,' or 'Shut the fuck up,' no."
'Wow…' "Anyway, how are you so sure of this now?" the sober young man asked, trying to strengthen the denial approach before going for the "wallow with him for a bit" path.
"You really wanna know?"
"Yea…" he responded quickly, not knowing whether or not he really wanted to know.
"I was fuckinner n she called his name when she came…" A horrible silence filled the space between the three of them. "Fill it." He downed it.
"I'll have one too."
A couple of drinks later, Neji was buzzed, and Naruto was two or three times past what kills most rock stars. The night was swiftly drawing to a close and they (well, pretty much Neji) decided it was time to turn in. When the bill came up, Neji, after getting over the shock of just how much it was, told the bartender to talk to the Hokage, considering this was practically her grandson. Tsunade wouldn't be too happy, but there were more pressing issues at hand.
When Naruto tried to stand, it wasn't pretty. "Careful with him now, he's had quite a bit," the barkeep cautioned.
"Jesus just how much have you had, Naruto?" the Hyuuga interrogated as he degraded himself to the task of bringing home a drunk.
"…t-*hic*t-ten…"
"Shots?" Neji found this somewhat peculiar. What were they drinking that cost so much for thirteen shots and how had Naruto puked so much before he'd even arrived? The bartender, secretly amused, felt it was time to reveal his knowledge.
"No, fifths."
"What!?!" Neji's eyes widened as he tried to fathom what shape Naruto's liver must be in at the moment.
"I'm fine tho…o…Oh God…*retch* Agh Fuck!!"
'Good god Naruto' "You know most people would be dead by now."
"*hic* yea…"
"C'mon. You can stay at my place until you work this out with her. Which, by the way, I would suggest you try to do as soon as you can think a clear thought."
"Right. Howaya gunna explain this to th missuz?"
"Tenten won't care. If anything she'll be more concerned for you than I am right now."
"Aww. I feel so lovd…" Naruto unpromptedly replied with the best version of sarcasm his inebriation would allow.
AN: Decent attempt at a first chapter, I'd say. I'd intended this to be a one-shot with the possibility of continuation but I've done myself in for multiple chapters by being lazy right now so whatever. Please read and review. Any criticism is helpful, and if I ever utterly fail in making something funny, let me know. I intend this to be a humorous fic with other things like romance integrated so if I ever don't make something funny let me know. Thanks and please check back for an update.