Or Maybe a Goodbye Letter

Bella writes about what happened that day(the day Jacob tells her he loves her and kisses her), and what is gonna be.

AU. Bella/Jacob FROM JACOB SIDE ONLY, One shot.

A/Ns: Firstly, English is not my first language, and I couldn't find a good beta reader, so I really am sorry about mistakes and misunderstandings that probably appear in the text. I hope you'll let me know about it. Secondly, I read only a little after that part before writing it, so it may not being such Eclipse-ish.

Thirdly, It's the first fanfic I publish in English, so please R&R!!!

Teaser: "I'm sitting at my desk, trying to figure out what happened to us. I cannot understand what is going on; to where is our friendship gone? And then I realize it has never been a real friendship but series of black-white lies, all putting together in the same box."

-*-*-*-

Dear Jacob- or maybe myself or just the Jacob-ish part inside me,

I'm sorry. I was wrong doing what I did, but I was really surprise by what you did.

About what you said, you were right. I always knew it.

I am mean, buy I can't do anything about it, and I always knew you loved me, but never let it get through my way, even through I knew that if he'll comeback and tell me to never see you again, I'll do it, even if I'll cry about it.

And I know it makes you sad, but by writing those words… Well, maybe you'll leave me and it will be better for you. Better for us. Maybe it won't hurt you so much when I'll turn into a vampire.

But seriously, Jake. I'm sitting at my desk, trying to figure out what happened to us. I cannot understand what is going on; to where is our friendship gone? And then I realize it has never been a real friendship but series of black-white lies, all putting together in the same box.

I lied to you, telling you I won't run back to him. It was just a little, unreal short-living-time lie, and I've never been such a good liar, but it was a lie.

And you lied to me, telling me it's okay with you and we can be ' just friends'.

And we both lied to ourselves, trying to make ourselves believe we'll be 'just friends'. That I can stay (with you as my best friend) without hurting you, and that this friend ship will exist forever and ever.

That nothing will tear us apart.

We lied.

Too many lies, another one and another one… Everything we said isconsider as a half-truth or just a wild lie.

Everything was blur, un-understandably for anybody but us.

Because we both knew the truth.

And I knew you know it too. That every friendship we'll ever have will be a friendship based on the half-truths and lies we all said.

Do you think you deserve to love someone who always lying to you? Jake, I need you to understand.

You don't deserve a stupid, old liar bitch like me.

And I don't think you want to hear this, but it's time to pull out the masks out from our faces.

I AM stupid, Jake, because I'm telling you all the truth in the face and stop from pretending such a good person.

I AM stupid because I want you, my best friend, the person who knows me the best, and I love nearly the most, to get away from me. Even if I want him to say no.

[And I don't think it's just unselfishly, I think I'm completely stupid a the moment.]

And I AM old, because it doesn't matter- a werewolf or not, another lie we said for staying friends,- I AM still older than you are.

And I'm a bitch because I can't tell you I love you back, and I really wish I could because I don't want to hurt you.

You think you deserve such a girl? I don't think so. You don't deserve such a fool.

At least not in this life time, Jacob.

I think it's a goodbye letter.

I wish it wasn't.

Bella.