Can't You See How I Feel
Partnerships are important, particularly when working in a testing career like as part of the NYPD where you are putting your life on the line every day when you walk out of your front door. But having a good partner, where whom you can trust to protect you as much as you protect them, makes the dedication the job just a little easier. Elliot had been partners with Olivia for almost 10 years, there was no partnership on the force quite like their partnership. These two were dedicated not only to getting justice for the victims but they were dedicated to each other, striving to make sure that they both got home safely each and every day. Elliot and Olivia had a one of a kind connection, the type of connection that meant they could communicate at times without even speaking. Elliot cared for Olivia more than anyone else, she was everything to him there wasn't anything that he wouldn't do for her if she asked. She didn't even have to ask and he would do it for her, regardless of what it may be. Elliot could never admit it, but his dreams were often of his partner, Olivia rather than his wife like he knew they should be.
Elliot knew his marriage was going horribly, it was nothing like it used to be all the years ago and he was partly to blame for that. He had a stressful job that took him away from his family for long periods of time and he should fight more for his family. But part of Elliot didn't want to, he enjoyed the long hours at work because it meant that he could spend time with Olivia. He knew that his feelings for Olivia were strong and he was struggling to hide it all from his family for much longer. Elliot had stopped sleeping at the home now and often he would choose to stay in the cribs at the precinct rather than heading home. The only reason that he would go home was to get a fresh suit or to see his kids. But he knew that his kids were pretty clear on how the situation between him and their mother.
Olivia was aware of feelings of her own towards Elliot, she thought of him very often and very fondly, there was no one else she feels quite so comfortable around as she does with Elliot. She wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with him but she would never act on those feelings. She wouldn't be the one to break up his family or even be the reason that his kids are hurt through a family break up, she loved that family too much. Even if there was a chance Elliot broke up his family to be with her, she could never go through with that because the guilt of the pain she caused would simply be too much. She loved each and every one of Elliot's children like they were her own, she wanted the best for them and she loved watching how they are all growing, albeit in the limited way she had through being Elliot's work partner.
Elliot often found himself watching Olivia, watching the way she interacted everyone around her but she'd caught him doing so a couple of times. Elliot had simply put it down to staring off into space, as he'd not been sleeping well lately and was feeling the effects of this. Elliot would never admit that he was really just watching her and checking her out because that was completely inappropriate, especially in the precinct when they were working together.
Elliot walked into the squadroom and found Olivia sitting at her desk, just filling out a file from one of their recently closed cases. Elliot had been off from work the day before, he had to attend a sporting event with Richard, but clearly she'd finished a case or something whilst he was out.
"What's that?" Elliot asked, standing behind her chair and simply looking over her shoulder at what she was working on.
"It's the file from that Anderson case. You just need to sign here and I'll give it to the captain. How was your day with Dickie?" Olivia asked as she handed Elliot the file and a pen to sign with. Elliot remembered the case clearly and he'd thought that it was him who was supposed to submit the case about it, but it looked like Olivia had taken that upon herself whilst he'd been gone. Olivia had done this numerous times before and it was something that he was grateful for when she did it, as she had given him more time to leave work early and do other things with his family. However, he wished that there were things he could do for her to repay the favour or alternatively provide her opportunity to leave work early. He loved to be able to do something for her as she was always doing so much for him, especially now he wasn't really going home or seeing his kids much.
"You doing my paperwork for me again?" Elliot asked, as he handed her back the signed file. As he did so their hands brushed and Olivia couldn't help the goosebumps which came out on her skin from this small touch. It was something that his touch always seemed to do to her.
"I just thought if I do it then you can get home earlier and hopefully in time for dinner with everyone tonight" Olivia explained, she always thought of everything for him and his family. She was always trying to make things between his family that little bit better for him.
"Thank you but there really is no need. I'm not even going to go home tonight, Kathy doesn't want me there" Elliot explained, Olivia could tell there was more to this than he was saying. However, she knew that he would never want to talk about it at work, so she signaled that they should talk somewhere else than the squadroom. Elliot just nodded to her before following Olivia out of the squadroom. They had no proper case right at this moment and there wasn't anything against the pair of them going to grab a coffee. Olivia wanted to get away from the precinct to give Elliot a space to talk, she could see that he needed to and that he wouldn't talk with anyone else around but her.
Olivia pulled the car up outside their favourite local café, they got out and walked into the café, Olivia made quick work of ordering their respective coffees whilst Elliot found them a spot to sit. He grabbed the table at the side of the room but towards the back, somewhere that they wouldn't be disturbed too much. Olivia was impressed by this spot in particular as the café seemed rather crowded and she didn't expect Elliot to spot a seat quite so quickly. Olivia joined him at the table and sat quietly watching him till he felt comfortable to bring up whatever was on his mind. They didn't have to rush this either, Olivia had left a note with Don Cragen about them being out for coffee but he could call if they caught a case. Finn and Munch were still there and they wouldn't be too long. Don knew that if they went for coffee, something was going on between them but they wouldn't be gone long.
"Liv, my marriage is going to shit" Elliot said, rubbing his hands over his face with how much stress he'd been through lately.
"I'm sure that is not the case, you and Kathy are strong and you've been together through worse things. I know this is clearly just another bump in the road and you'll come through it stronger than before, look at Eli" Olivia tried to comfort, thinking to all the times that he had confessed things were falling apart in his marriage but they came through it fine. Olivia hated to see him quite so stressed out or pained with very little she could do about it.
"I don't think so for this time. I think it's gone wrong and I'm not even prepared to fight to get it back together again, we just keep going in the same circle" Elliot explained, just as the waiter brought their coffees and Olivia thanked the man. She was honestly shocked that Elliot was going through the thoughts that he didn't want to save his marriage anymore.
"What do you mean? You love your wife and I know you love your children" Olivia explained trying to get Elliot back in the right mind for his wife and family. She may love him but she loved his family just as much and couldn't see it falling apart.
"I love my children, ye sand I would do absolutely anything for them without them even asking. But I honestly don't think I love Kathy anymore, I don't think I have for a while" Elliot replied, watching Olivia processing everything that he's saying.
"Elliot, you're talking like a crazy person. I know you love your wife but work has been a little stressful here. Look we're going to finish these coffees and then I think you need to go home. Take the rest of the week off, I know you have the time, and spend that with your children and Kathy, you can fix this if you just take the time to do so. Don't try and fight me on this, I know Cragen would be fine with it and I will too, I enjoy working with Finn and Munch" Olivia explained, she could see clearly what Elliot really needed right now, it wasn't work and it wasn't her, he needed sleep. She knew from their previous conversations, that he had not been sleeping well lately, particularly the nights he'd spent at the cribs so he needed to head home and get some sleep.
Olivia knew that once Elliot took the time off and spent time working on his marriage and with his family then things would be fine, he would be able to get the clarity in his life that he needed and come back to work refreshed and ready to work.
"If I go home, all Kathy and I do is fight. I don't get any sleep because we are fighting and I just don't have it in me anymore, even the kids know it's not going right" Elliot explained, Olivia placed her hands over his on the table, she couldn't cope with seeing how broken her partner was right now. She wanted to provide comfort in any way that she could and right now holding his hands in hers seemed like the best method. Olivia just sighed with everything and shook her head at him, not sure what to say next or where to go with this, she wanted to support Elliot but didn't know how to help with the inappropriateness of being work partners like this. They sat in silence for a while as they finished the coffees, before getting up and leaving, ensuring to place a tip on the table for the waiter.
Olivia drove in the opposite way of the precinct, Elliot knew they weren't heading back to work, they were heading to his house. He didn't want to go home, he didn't need to go home right now. He felt that he needed to stay with Olivia and staying with her meant being at work. But this was the time to let her properly know why he didn't want to go home, why he didn't want to fight for his marriage anymore and why he was prepared to throw everything away.
"Liv, pull over" Elliot spoke up.
"No, you need to go home and you need to take a couple of days to fix all of this. If we were at the precinct right now, Cragen would back me up with this, your mind and focus isn't on the job right now and you need to go home" Olivia explained but Elliot did not agree and continued to look out the window, shaking his head slightly.
"I don't need to go home, I don't need to fix this because I don't love Kathy like I used to. I'll always be grateful to her for the life that we built together and the 5 beautiful children that came with that life. But I'm not going home, if you won't let me go back to the precinct then that's fine but let me out here" Elliot explained and Olivia shook her head before pulling the car over, she wouldn't have an argument with him while they were driving. Elliot went to get the door, assuming that Olivia had pulled over to let him out but Olivia stopped him.
"Elliot, I care greatly about your family, your marriage was one of the strongest I've ever witnessed. Now, I know you aren't thinking straight with that and I know its because you've not slept well in a long time, especially with all the arguments you've been having. I understand if you don't want to go home, but you can't go back to work. So just tell me where else you want to go and I'll take you there" Olivia explained.
But what exactly Elliot did next was not on the options that Olivia gave him. It was something that took both of them slightly by surprise but in the best way. Elliot looked at her, moving his eyes between hers and her lips, questioning exactly whether this was the right move to make or would he end up slapped. Olivia could tell that he was debating something right now from the way that he was looking at her. A couple of seconds later, Elliot leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips, something that took her breath away to begin with but she returned the kiss in time before he pulled her away. Olivia couldn't believe it, she had kissed Elliot, the man she was deeply in love with but kept those feelings hidden, she had crossed the line that she said she would never cross. Elliot may be going through difficulty with his wife but he's still married and not thinking straight at the moment.
"Elliot…" Olivia started before Elliot pulled her close to him again and kissed her once more, clearly she didn't get the message he was trying to tell her through his actions.
"Olivia…You are the reason which I don't want to fix my marriage. I don't want to be with Kathy, I want to be with you and I have had these feelings for quite some time. We both know this is right, if I end my marriage officially then we can be together" Elliot explained, not pausing long enough for Olivia to be able to talk again, wanting her to know he was sure about this. He took her hand in his and held it tight, wondering what she would say next to this.
"Elliot, I wont let you break up your family. You're mistaken by these feelings, I won't pursue what's not there. I'm taking you home and I don't expect to see or hear from you for a couple of days, end of the story!" Olivia lied, pulling her hand away from Elliot and turning attention back to the wheel. She pulled the car away from the kerb and drove in the direction of Queens. She had lied, she was completely in love with him and she couldn't think of anything better than the opportunity to be with him, but she wouldn't break up his family to do so and she wouldn't let him do that either. Olivia would cherish the feeling of Elliot's lips against hers', but they could never properly be together whilst they were working together anyway. She hid the feelings for all this time, she could continue to do so, for the sake of Elliot's marriage, she had to do just that.
A/N: This short one-shot just needed a little rewrite. Hope you enjoyed it and let me know in your reviews. I have a new chapter for 'Keeping Secrets' coming shortly and might even have a new one-shot to add to this collection, i'm currently experimenting with an idea.
Until Next Time ;)