Blah Blah Blah: So I wanted a break from failing at writing my only single other story—I'm a procrastinator—and recently, my friend decided that she doesn't care if she's conforming and is going through a deep Twilight obsession…after the fact. Because of this, I got random inspiration for this thing below. Also because of this, she is in possession of all of my books, so apologies if things are iffy or vague because I haven't read the books in a while.
Summary stuff that's not uber important unless you're really bored: One-shot songfic to "Let Me Sign" as sung by Rob Pattinson. I just chose a version of it, and it's closest to the movie version. Just a wee bit different. I've heard a million interpretations as to what the hell the lyrics mean, so I decided to use them in Jacob's perspective instead. This is supposed to take place after Eclipse, I guess. I just kind of started writing and kept using references from that book so. Yeah.
Done babbling. Read. (Pweeze?)
DISCLAIMER: Don't own song. Don't own Twilight. Although I do own Rob Pattinson. Kidding. That's creepy.
Let Me Sign
He inhaled the early morning mist. The sky was already a dark grey, and he could smell the rain as it loomed dangerously above the La Push reserve. He sighed, seeing the faint plume of his breath as he exhaled; he didn't realize how cold it was. His body was always burning, so it didn't matter much that he wandered through the forest barefoot garnishing only a pair of black basketball shorts.
Not that Jacob would have bothered much either way. He could freeze to death. It's not like she would care.
He cringed at the thought and its underlying truth. It would probably have been a relief to her for him to perish in some way. It might make it easier to live on with her choices. Guilt is easier to bear when one thinks there's only a single option.
Though her choices never ceased to astonish him.
She was standing there by the broken tree
He left her. That mother freaking, life sucking leech left her. And what did he have to show for it?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Only his pitiful apologies and 'I love yous' that could never make up for what he did to her. How he abandoned her. How he hurt her.
How Edward killed Bella without taking a single bite.
And yet, Jacob can't bring himself to admit how grateful he was to the bastard. Maybe it was short lived, and maybe she was only using him like a replacement medication to her drug, but he didn't care. Because that cold moron left her, Jacob was able to spend at least a few months being the center of her world, being the sun to her earth as she healed from the invisible wounds only he could see.
He closed his eyes, his muscles stiff as he clenched his fists.
Her hands were all twisted and she was pointing at me
It didn't make sense. Any of it. She never denied she loved him. She was just so damn confusing, always blubbering one moment about how he made her so happy and the next mourning the loss of her sadistic boyfriend. She must not have seen how much it hurt him every time she mentioned his name.
She always turned to Jacob in her time of need, but the need was always to make her forget that son of a bitch. God, he could hate her sometimes. Should hate her. She led him on over and over and over again only to let him fall flat into the mud and drown in his miseries.
And yet, he knew he would do anything for her.
I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes
Jacob took a deep breath, his thousand degree body shaking. His eyes blurred, but he wasn't entirely sure if it was from tears or transformation. He heard his shorts shred as his torso grow wider and hairier. He felt his nails lengthen and bend into claws. He snarled and howled as his snout grew outward changing from a flat human nose to a wet dog one.
Jacob fell to all fours and wailed a long painful howl.
He couldn't hate Bella even if he wanted, too. The way she looked at him and smiled, her pale skin resilient against the rustic red of her truck…it struck his large animal heart and made his howls more mournful than before.
She shouldn't have that control over him, but she did. Easily. Just one look at her perfect, chocolate Bella eyes, and he was gone. He would have died if she asked him to, as he so lovingly demonstrated after threatening his own life to save her from Victoria. He cackled like a hyena hollowly at the memory. He recalled pissing Edward off repetitively as he slept with Bella in the tent to keep her warm with his radioactive body heat. He also recalled kissing her before running off blindly into battle, nearly being smashed to smithereens by their opponents.
Jacob was a questionable soul indeed.
She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky
He lunged forward through the brush, ignoring the branches and nettles as they scratched at his eyes. He broke into a wide, easy gate, jumping over boulders and slithering under roots to distract himself from the bleeding inside of his chest.
Why did she have to come? Why? Why did he have to leave her? Maybe if they'd never met, he would never have become the Quileute beast, or maybe if the leech hadn't run, he would have gotten over his little crush on her. Maybe, maybe, maybe…He could have gone on forever.
But, Jacob's regret was false. He couldn't regret a single moment he spent with her. She had paraded into his life in the quietest manner, and he couldn't feel remorse of her part in forming who he became. In fact, his gut tightened dangerously, and he released a small whimper as he thought of her never passing though his life.
Now that she had reigned herself in as the pinnacle of his existence, Jacob couldn't imagine it any other way.
She said 'Come on over to the bitter shade'
A drop plopped onto his furry red coat. Then another on his nose. One hit him in the eye, but it melted away into the dark streaks that slid down his cheeks. The rain slowly and carefully picked up its speed as Jacob mused on his last moments with Bella.
He was still quite messed up, but he had healed remarkably fast—a nifty side effect of being a werewolf. She had come to visit him. She claimed he was the sun. He replied he couldn't fight an eclipse.
Damn Edward. Damn him and his existence. If nature had taken its course, he would have died long ago. He shouldn't have ever been around for Bella to fall head over heels in love with. Jacob would have been there. He would have used his light to guide her to him, and they would have been happy. They would have had a life and grown old together.
But, he was there, an omen of the demon within, a dark knight. He carried shadows around him like an umbrella, blocking Jacob's light and filling Bella's eyes with his own.
Jacob hated his immortal guts.
'I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved'
He jumped through a tangle of branches and leaves and fell into a chiasmic opening. He humphed at the impact of the ground but quickly rebounded by lifting his head and sniffing the damp air; it was in vain. No scent could be picked up with the current downpour. He huffed and cantered lightly over the wet grass, gazing around at the empty meadow.
Damn it. It was their meadow.
He growled and emitted a hearty bark, tears slipping from his wolf-like eyes. Jacob whirled blindly in a circle, sprinting in the opposite direction and plunging headlong back into the safety of the woods. He padded lightly over any obstacles.
Why wouldn't his heart let it go? Why couldn't he just see that Fate was a twisted bitch and couldn't let him be completely happy? Why?
He sobbed as the answer became apparent.
She was his foundation, his stronghold when it seemed like his world was spiraling out of his control. She fought for him when he pushed her away, and she loved him even when he couldn't feel anything but numb. Bella had kept him safe, himself, when he was losing who he was.
She was a part of him. Telling him to let go would be the same as asking him to pick which vital organ he'd like to cut out.
Let me sign, let me sign…
Jacob ran harder, faster; his muscles cried out for him to stop, so he pushed them even further. If he was going to feel agony on the inside, why not the out?
He was so distracted by the headache from his rabid thoughts, he didn't see the headlights as they swerved around a turn, coming at him at inhuman speed.
He howled in pain as it struck him dead on, but his body went into shock before he could even react.
He hardly noticed as his disfigured wolf self slowly faded into the even more grotesque limbs of a frail human. He didn't feel the blood seeping from his body.
Jacob didn't notice much of anything as he lie staring at the dismal sky until the ever prevailing scent struck him.
That horrible, despicable, disgusting garbage scent, like rotten fruit covered in perfume. He gagged, spewing blood onto the asphalt as his head turned sideways. He saw the smashed car, and he wanted to smile in pride. Then, he eyed a blob as another figure crawled out of the window and rolled onto the ground.
It was one of them. A cold one.
He heard his name uttered before his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and everything grew dark.
Can't fight the devil so just let me sign
He awoke alone in the hospital room. No one was there to greet him, not even his father. He could forgive that; he had probably only been out a few hours since the healing mechanism kicked in. But, another softer and less bitter side of him was hurt.
He had learned that ragged smell long ago. He had learned it to be specifically his. That demonic bastard.
It gave him the vague hope that maybe she would show up, blubbering and apologizing for her leech's blunders and begging for his forgiveness.
But, no such thing happened. The room was silent except for the beat of the monitoring machine. He swiftly unplugged it, removing the reminder that he was still alive and well. Damn.
He sat up slowly, cringing as his sore sides yelled at him for moving. He rolled his legs over the side of the bed. An eyebrow quirked as he heard something odd crinkle beneath him. He cautiously rolled onto one hip and glanced over his side to see a wrinkled envelope with his name written in scraggily writing: Jacob
His wounds temporarily vanished as he recognized the penmanship. He tore open the envelope, throwing it to the side as he slipped out the note and unfolded the paper.
It was definitely her. Bella.
Jacob-
I'm sorry I'm not there. I should be. And I shouldn't be. I just keep hurting you without even trying, and I can't stand that. Please try to understand.
You're my light, my sun, my friend.
At least, I hope so.
A fat tear plopped onto the paper. He sniffled and rubbed his nose.
She didn't sign her name.
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