Summary: It's what they say about her, either. That she is damaged beyond repair.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, Fred wouldn't be dead. Tonks and Lupin, either. But Lucius Malfoy would certainly be dead, I don't like him. Much. So, I don't own Harry Potter books, films or anything related to them. But Allegra is my long-gone fish's name so I sorta own her although here she is Luna's owl. And the creatues' and plants' names that you recognize aren't mine, either. Definitely not mine. The ones you don't, probably the work of my imagination.
A/N: This was supposed to be a series of drabbles about Luna Lovegood. I first posted it as a drabble collection but I think it'd be better as a one-shot, so I wrote more drabbles and posted it here. This idea came to my mind when I was thinking of a way to write my second chapter of Artemis Fowl and The Truth in Blood.
I'm afraid I can't really write anything for it. Although I haven't abandoned it, because of my weird writer's block on that story, I'll pass time with other things such as drabbles until I regain my ability to write for it. Since I lost the third and fourth chapters in the bottomless pit I call my school bag or somewhere else, I have no way of making myself remember what I ought to write for the second chapter. I have half of it and I don't know what more to write. I apologize for being a total idiot.
Also, in the Encounter with the Dragon, Draco is at school in his seventh year when he is supposed to be in the Malfoy Manor. I'm not even sure if he is supposed to be there, but I thought he was at school first and then went home because of his family. I don't remember the last book that well after the disappointment Rowling has kindly bestowed upon me with the epilogue which I find quite hideous. Either way, just pretend he is there. I'm sorry if I made a mistake there, but it just came to me like that, so I'm keeping it this way.
Edit: Due to some insistence, I might also write a few Luna/Draco one-shots. I hope they turn out well.
Damged Beyond Repair
I. Her World
"You haven't seen her eyes, you can't say she's not insane. There's something seriously wrong with her, she shouldn't be allowed to come here!"
"Hogwarts isn't a place for freaks like her, what's she doing here?"
"Oh, look, here Loony is! I wonder if she'll notice if I turn her into a bug. Not that there would be a big change."
"Honestly, how can she stay here among us? She's a disgrace to our house! Last year Professor Snape took fifty-five points from Ravenclaw because of her, don't you remember?"
"Here comes the freak! Don't try to talk to her, folks, she ain't listening!"
Laughter. Mocking. Whispers. She doesn't hear any of the remarks made about her and her being weird or any new adjective they found to describe her. She stopped doing that right after first year. After she realized who she was.
None of their remarks matter anymore. She's in her own world, a world where she can be herself. Where she doesn't have to bottle up everything, where she doesn't have to let the snide remarks pass.
It's filled with the creatures she would like to see and communicate with. The ones her daddy and mommy told her about. The ones in the bedtime stories of her childhood. Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, heliopaths, nargles, pimplies... All of them.
She stands on the meadow, her meadow, she gazes at the rainbow with those wide eyes of hers - eyes that makes everyone so startled, so irked.
The meadow is filled with beautiful flowers, and deadly ones too. She should be careful not to go near the dangerous ones. That can cause her to lose her hair or blind her. Luna most certainly doesn't want any of those happening to her. For all the beauty she has attributed to her very own meadow, there are impossible dangers that she might have to face, either. That's one thing every world has in common: Danger. In the real world, the danger is You-Know-Who; here it is the venomous flowers. She thinks it's rather poetic, comparing such an evil being to flowers. And quite funny, too.
II. Her Meadow
Sometimes, when she forces herself, she can even see a glimpse of her Mommy as she lays in the meadow. Her mother, with her glorious beauty and radiating love, stands in front of her in a plain white dress. Mommy smiles at her, her eyes shine and she tells Luna she's proud of her. She knows why her Mommy's so proud. Mommy is proud because her little Luna knows the truth about herself. Because her little Luna accepts who she is.
She repeats it like a mantra over her head. I am who I am, I am who I am, I am who I am...
And she allows a little smile grace her face. Because she made her Mommy proud. She knows that wherever her Mommy is (The Afterlife, Beyond the Veil, where they'll meet again) she is proud of Luna. She ought to be. Luna doesn't let people tell her she's good-for-nothing. She works hard and passes every exam. She studies in the library very often and explores the castle when she has time.
That's how she found her meadow.
She remembers imagining it, with all the details: The plants, flowers of all kind such as Asphodel, Belladonnas, Jaugreys, Daisies, Carnations, Forget-Me-Nots, Fluxweeds and especially Gurdyroots; beside it a lake even larger than the one at Hogwarts with all kinds of things living in it, not just the Grindylows and the Giant Squid, but also the rhinocero-like creatures Erumpents, Shrakes, Hippocampuses, Logalugs and Gulping Plimpies. There are Crumple-Horned Snorkacks and Blibbering Humdingers as well. All those beauties are in her imaginary meadow with a lake nearby, waiting for her.
The sun always shines when she is lying on the ground. She can hear the voices of all the creatures around her and it gives her a sense of peace.
She wishes she could share this with someone. With daddy, she can. And she will be able to tell Mommy in The Afterlife, but what about other people? They must know of her discovery as well. So she makes a decision: She'll prove the existence of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks one day. She'll be able to share her meadow with someone special. She knows she will. She just doesn't know when.
The sun is shining. Her meadow is calling for her. She has enough time to swim in her lake one more time, and she has her Gurdyroots ready to ward off any Gulping Plimpies on her way.
III. The Magic
She often thinks of the magic running through her veins with a capital 'M'. "It isn't just magic, it's Magic." Mommy had told her. "It must be used to create wonders, my little Luna. You will be a great witch and show the world those Wonders you've created, right?"
It would be tainting Mommy's memory if she didn't do that. Obviously, she must keep going on this path she follows, and prove the world that Crumple-Horned Snorkack actually exists. She will do it, no matter what. She made a decision. She made a promise to Mommy.
To her Mommy, whom she misses everyday. Who taught her little Luna the Wonders of Magic. And for her, Little Luna will show the world the Wonders she had learnt from her Mommy. She will teach them the meaning of Magic, the most wondrous thing in the Universe.
She owes it to her Mommy and the Magic.
That's all she can do for them.
IV. Pride
Pride isn't something she likes at all. It is the mother of all evil, with Its shadowy fingers and shrewd stares. She hates It - oh how much hatred she holds for It!
It's the reason of countless bad events - things she cannot even dare to think of has been done in the name of Pride. It is the worst of the Seven Sins in Christianity - she may not be a believer, but she agrees with the Christians on this. Pride is raw Evil.
She knows It is, she saw the blank-eyed blonde boy. He's too proud of himself. His Pride will be his downfall.
She knows It will.
His eyes say so.
He's so full of Pride - he's proud of his position, of his family name, of his wealth. He's proud of a web of illusions his parents weaved so he could follow the path they created for him - a path of self-destruction. The boy has a pure heart tainted with malice. The purity is concealed, but Luna can see it in the shadows lurking over him.
There's good in him. And there's Hope for him.
But Pride is a disease. It will make Its way through his veins when It has enough power to take over him. And It will take over him, if no one helps him out. If there is no one to guide him, then he'll be a slave of his Pride. A slave - is there a fate worse than that of a slave's?
Whenever this thoughts come to her mind, she can't help but think how sorry she feels for him. She wishes she could help him.
Maybe she will.
In time.
V. Painting
She loves painting. Painting helps her understand things better, see through people's façades and create a world of her own. It's magical to her. If she was a Muggle, she'd definitely be a painter.
She had often thought of the painters as wizards or witches. After all, the beauty they create with a paintbrush and those marvelous colors could not be explained with anything other than Magic, her aunt Miriam used to tell her. She hadn't realized her aunt's explanations and stories were not true when she was a little girl at the age of four.
Now she thinks of them as normal people with amazing abilities. They paint like she uses Magic. It's natural, they are born with it. It's in their blood.
It's a shame they don't have Magic. Imagine what beauties they could have created with It!
VI. Strength
Professor McGonagall doesn't understand why Luna says what she's thinking. She thinks Professor McGonagall is too withdrawn, yet at the same time, she's not. The woman has a strange aura - filled with dignity, a bit of Pride, the famous Gryffindor courage and strength (Luna is sure that Professor McGonagall is the strongest witch she has ever met, excluding her own mother, both mentally and Magic-verse), maybe even some sorrow and pain. It's complicated, but she can understand. She can comprehend the depths of a human soul, everyone has similar inner personas. She had explored her own before, after all.
She had to.
Her mother's death had obliged her to.
How could she overcome the trauma that followed her mother's death if she hadn't discovered the strength hidden in her soul? It was all her strength that had helped her. So, as a person that overcame her fears, she understands Professor McGonagall. The woman is strong like her mother and Luna knows Professor McGonagall had something bad happen to her when she was young, either.
Maybe it has to do with the black-haired handsome boy Luna saw in the photo under the cover of a heavy book on the Deputy Headmistress' table. She imagines he was strong like Professor McGnagall, as well..
VII. Honesty
Her father always told her to be a honest person. But this time, she can't say the truth. This time, she has to throw honesty out of the window. Honesty won't work for the red-headed girl and Luna has to help her. So, she lies.
A strange, warm feeling envelops her when the red-haired boy's sister, Ginny, hugs her and thanks her again and again after Professor Snape goes away. Luna feels awkward, then her arms wrap themselves around the red-haired girl on their own accord and a hesitant smile breaks on her face.
She thinks she knows how it feels to be friends now.
VIII. The Boy With The Glasses
She doesn't want to listen to the bushy-haired, narrow-minded girl anymore. The girl makes her uncomfortable, frustrated with all that logic thingy she emphasizes again and again. The boy with the glasses understands. He knows how she feels. He's uncomfortable, but he understands. Even if he doesn't, she muses, he's a good person.
He must be.
He can see the Thestrals. That is enough proof for her. He tells his friend, the red-haired and funny one with the freckles, about Them. The freckled boy doesn't see, neither does the bushy one. She doesn't expect them to, especially not the bushy haired girl. She thinks that girl is too proud. She doesn't like that kind of people. Pride will be that girl's downfall, like It will be the blond boy's.
She turns to the boy with glasses. He is staring at her, curiousity etched on his face. He is unable to hide it in spite of his desperate attempts to mask his feelings. She thinks it's very kind of him to try for her. No one has ever done something like that for her. She has that fuzzy feeling again, like when Ginny hugged her. She decides to comfort him.
So she tells the boy with glasses he's as sane as her.
She doesn't understand why he gets even more uncomfortable.
IX. Smile
Professor Snape is a very sad man. He always yells and never smiles truly, it's always a smirk. She wants to help him, but the one time she tried was at her first year and he had become even angrier. He's very scary at times like that. His eyes blaze like fire - a cold, menacing fire - and his robes frighten her; what if there are Juurwas, those Indian semi-demons that collect tongues, under his robes?
She wishes he would smile a bit. Maybe he wouldn't shout at her again, then. He would be a happy, good and cheerful man.
She finds, to her dismay, that even she can't imagine him like that.
X. Surprise
Luna likes Professor Dumbledore. He truly understands her. She remembers meeting him in the corridor at the second floor when she was at first grade. When the attacks happened. She remembers everything he told her.
"You should be careful, Miss Lovegood." He had said. "There is danger in the halls of our beloved school now. Until we find who is behind these attacks, students aren't supposed to leave their beds at night."
She had stared at him with unblinking, clear eyes and had spoken with that dreamy voice.
"But Professor Dumbledore, don't you already know who is responsible of these attacks? I think it's a boy. Boys can be pretty jealous and full of hatred. Daddy says women are more dangerous, but I don't think so. Especially boys with that kind of eyes are very very bad. I've seen one here at school. I don't like that kind of red. I don't think you would, either. Klivens love that red, and red coloured cloths are used to catch them so they don't clutch at your throat with their claws and kill you. But Klivens..."
She had known. She had seen the dark haired boy with crimson eyes standing behind her first true friend, Ginny. She could see the boy whispering things, most probably bad things, in poor Ginny's ear. And when she had told Ginny that diary with the black cover seemed odd, she had seen the terrified look in her light brown eyes. What Luna couldn't understand, though, was why the picture in Professor McGonagall's room had the crimson eyed boy's grey eyed version. They were twins, perhaps. Like the Weasley twins.
Luna remembers the surprised look on Professor Dumbledore's face. She had felt a bubble of happiness burst in her chest at accomplishing such a wondrous thing: surprising Professor Dumbledore. Mommy would be proud.
XI. Wrapping Paper Of A Bubblegum
He lost his frog again. She would think he is unbelievably stupid to lose his familiar this often if she didn't know better.
She talks to him sometimes. She is always gentle with him, she knows how troubled he is. She doesn't know why, and it's not like she wishes to. She just does. There are things that ought to be done, and her instincts tell her that this is the right thing to do. So she does. Because she must.
She knows better.
Neville is his name. She saw him staring hard at a wrapping paper of a bubblegum once. She doesn't remember the brand, perhaps it was Dr. something-starting-with-B. But that wasn't what took her attention. He was crying when he was staring at it and she was thinking of approaching him. So she didn't go near him, fearing of interrupting his mourning.
She knew better.
XII. Red Fear And Blue Hurt
The red-haired boy looks at her, frowning. He doesn't believe her. She is well aware of that.
But it hurts. Knowing that he doesn't trust her hurts a lot.
It's a physical pain as well as a mental one - what she doesn't know is how to deal with it. And why it hurts so much is a mystery to her.
He sees the Hurt in her eyes. Those big, blue eyes. They are unnerving. They scare him.
"It's not like that." He says. "I didn't mean to-"
He doesn't need to finish that sentence. They both know it would be useless anyway. He would only end up lying.
His Fear is evident.
It's red and huge. It consumes his being violently, It makes it hard for him to breathe and It steals away all his Gryffindor courage and his chess logic. It's hopeless - she should have known better, his Fear is so big that It hurts him too.
She sees it in his eyes. She understands. It's painful to accept the Truth, to understand It, yet she does. No matter how hard or painful it is, she has to accept It. That's what her role is. What she is to do is to embrace the Hurt - blue and raging like the sea, blazing through Its way to her heart.
She accepts the Truth.
And she lets go.
XIII. Blue Is The Colour Of Hope
Her owl's name is Allegra. It means cheerful, lively. It's an appropriate name for her owl. She's a very cheerful bird with reddish wings, chirping whenever Luna is around. Luna likes talking to her, and listening to what she says. Allegra tells her of the places she has visited: the lakes with their serene beauty; the forests so green that her mind wouldn't be able to comprehend such a colour; the meadows, quite similar to her own, filled with unique flowers - all colourful, all pretty and all untouched.
She likes Allegra. Her wings are pretty, they have the same colour of Ginny's hair. Of Ginny's brother's hair. His name is-
She doesn't like thinking of him anymore. Thinking about colours is better than thinking about him.
Colours. Red. Luna likes red. It's her second favourite colour. The first one is blue.
Blue is the colour of the sky. Of rivers. Of serenity. Of friendship. Of Professor Dumbledore's twinkling eyes.
It's the colour of her mother's and her own eyes' too, and her father's, though his eyes are of a bit darker shade. And, with pain in her chest, she realizes that blue is also the colour of his eyes. But she won't think of him.
Blue is the colour of innocence. Of the bubblegum wrapping paper in Neville's hand. Of secrets. Of hurt.
Most importantly, it's the colour of hope.
XIV. Encounter With The Dragon
It's her sixth year at Hogwarts. She hadn't dreamed of what could happen if You-Know-Who ever took over the school. Officially, he hasn't. His followers are everywhere, though. The school is His now. It's no longer the old, homey Hogwarts she knows and loves.
She won't return the school for the second term. They know of her unshakable loyalty, of her unending support to the Chosen One, Harry Potter. The bruises all over her frail body are enough evidence. She'll either be taken by them or hid by her father. She wants to fight, though. She knows she will have to, eventually.
Not now, but eventually.
She is half-walking and half-dancing through the corridors of the seventh floor with a small smile on her face. The dawn will come soon, she can feel it. It's always the darkest before the brightest dawn, isn't it?
Her smile vanishes when she sees a human-shaped shadow with the corner of her eye.
The blond boy with blank eyes she had seen before - what was his name, Drake? No, it's Draco, Draco Malfoy, the Malicious Yellow Dragon - is leaning over the sink. It's not a very unusual thing, people lean over the sink in their bathrooms all the time, but this is no ordinary restroom. This is the Girl's Lavatory, the one Moaning Myrtle haunts. And as much as Luna likes the weird personality of Myrtle, she doesn't like people invading the poor girl's personal space. It's enough that she's dead, why don't people respect her a little bit?
So Luna enters the lavatory, ready to open her mouth and send the boy away. But when she notices the boy's, Draco's, trembling form, she stops. She stands there, silent and unmoving, waiting for his sobs to end.
When he tilts his head and sees her reflection in the mirror, he grits his teeth. In a blink, his wand is at her throat.
"You'll not talk about this to anyone. Understand?"
Her eyes soften at his threat. She sees through it. He's actually begging.
"I won't," she promises. She means it.
He attempts to brush past her, only to find her stopping him.
"You can talk to me, if you want. I'd listen." She says, her eyes clear as sky, with a few tints of sorrow. She can help him, like she had wished before. This is her chance at freeing him from his binds.
He sneers at her face. "I don't want your help, Lovegood."
She thinks, as she watches him leave the lavatory, that there is still hope for him. After all, he didn't say he didn't need her help, just that he didn't want it.
XV. The Five Times She Cried
Luna Lovegood doesn't cry often. Even as a baby, she only observed her surroundings. Those sky blue eyes don't get wet as often as an average girl's. Of course, she has cried a few times in her life, like everyone. A few times. That's it.
The first time she cried when she was at her mother's funeral, finally understanding that her mother would never come back.
She remembers standing there, holding daddy's hand, numb with tearsin her eyes.
She remembers her fear, her fear so strong that it hurt her physically.
During the funeral, she tried to recall the last time she had seen her mother. She could even smell the rosy scent of her mother if she concentrated hard enough. Tears streamed down her face - she couldn't help it. Her mother's images kept coming into her mind and she was reminded of her big, cheerful and loving smile before... It.
And the memory brought more tears.
She cried for the second time when she first heard somebody calling her a freak. She hid in a closet and stayed there until a prefect found her. The prefect, her name was something to do with water, smiled at her and brought her to the common room. She remembers her kindness. She wishes she could have thanked her.
It's too late now. The prefect, who later became the Head Girl, is dead.
She cried once again, when Professor Dumbledore was announced dead. She let her tears run freely, her face calm. Unlike her mother's funeral, this didn't affect her so hard, or perhaps she refuses to acknowledge the fact that Death affects her more than it does other people.
Despite finding it unbelievably difficult to move on after a beloved one's death, she acts like she moved on.
She never does. She only pretends.
The honesty is long gone.
The fourth time, she cried for the ones who died during the Battle of Hogwarts. She cried for those that fought so bravely. She cried for Tonks, Professor Lupin, Fred Weasley, the Creevey brothers...
She also cried in relief, secretly glad that he was not lying lifeless on the ground. As she cried, she forgave the enemy.
She forgave everyone of the Death Eaters.
She even forgave You-Know-Who - Tom Riddle, the handsome boy in the picture she found in Minerva McGonagall's desk.
What else could she do?
She felt sorry for them, for Tom Riddle who never felt love or remorse.
Forgiveness was all she could offer them. All she could offer Tom Riddle and him.
The last time she cried was when she was at their wedding. She cried as he kissed the bushy-haired girl and not Luna, and he was glowing with happiness - something she could never give him.
She cried silently, standing there as the bushy haired girl's bridesmaid.
When the other bridesmaid Ginny asked her why she was crying, she lied and said it was out of happiness. And Ginny hugged her.
Maybe, Luna thought, she knows the truth.
She can count the times she cried with one hand. And she wants it to stay this way. Luna Lovegood refuses to ever cry again.
XVI. The Power Of Names
She sometimes wishes she could remember the names of everyone she has ever met. It would be awesome, to be able to know their names, because names tell of their owners' true selves.
She thinks of a several names. She can play "what does a name remind you of?" game her father taught her, just to pass time, right? She has a lot of time here, in the basement of the Malfoy Manor. She knows where she is, of course she does, isn't she a journalist? She heard the sound of the fluttering wings: the peacocks. There is only one place in the Wizarding World which has a garden full of peacocks and it's the Malfoy Manor.
So she begins the game.
Harry Potter reminds her of emerald. She had thought of it even before she had met him and seen his beautiful eyes. She wishes she had a significant name like his. Although she thinks her name is beautiful either, she still envies him for his name. His name reminds her of a shining emerald and it sounds like Hope.
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is a very mouthful name, but she likes it. It has some kind of sorrow to it, but she tastes sweets in her mouth whenever she hears the name Dumbledore. She becomes calm when she thinks of him. Of what he represents. He's like the grandfather she never had.
As for the bushy-haired girl (she can never say her name, not now, maybe later - when she completely admits her defeat), she'd say the girl is like cinnamon and she doesn't like cinnamon that much. She doesn't know why. The girl reminds her of a big wall between Luna and him, preventing Luna's happiness. Luna sees the cinnamon girl happy when he's with her, so she doesn't say anything and lets them be, even though it hurts her. She wants the bushy-haired girl to make him happy, since Luna can't. Since he doesn't let her.
The name Ron Weasley hurts her. She feels pain ripping her chest apart whenever she thinks of his name. She knows why. She sees him staring at the bushy-haired girl, the perfect one, the girl who isn't messed-up like Luna is. Sometimes, usually when it is early in the morning, she wishes she could be like the cinnamon girl. After a while, when she comes to her senses, she laughs it off.
Ginny Weasley reminds her of a red blanket. And it gives her a warm, comforting feeling inside. To know that she is Luna's friend is enough to shake Luna with feelings impossible to describe. She wouldn't change Ginny Weasley's friendship with anything. Ginny trusts her, counts on her and believes in her. What more could she ever ask for?
Neville Longbottom reminds her of power. Not as in the power You-Know-Who wants, but as in braveness and strength. She likes how secure his name makes her feel. How gentle he is, how shy and kind. She thinks of him as the little brother she never had, one that she would teach how to play Gobstones or read books to him.
Draco Malfoy, the name of the blond boy is different than the others. It reminds her of a man facing two doors. She hopes he chooses the right one, the one without the illusion of Pride. She hates Pride. It's the main path that brings people to the Dark Side. That's why people fight with each other. She hopes, no, wants, Draco Malfoy to see through the web of lies weaved onto his mind, his heart and his soul by his family. And strangely, she wants to be the one who helps him. She wants to be the one he would accept as a Is it possible-?She doesn't know, and doesn't intend to find out just yet.
Professor McGonagall is very stiff and disciplined; however, when she thinks of Minerva McGonagall, she sees an affable, dark-haired, pretty girl with a smile on her face. She also sees a dark-haired, handsome boy throw his arm around her waist and smile at her. She watches the pretty girl smile back at him shyly and geniunely. That's the part when Luna feels sorry for both Minerva and Professor McGonagall - that's why, Luna thinks, Minerva McGonagall became Professor McGonagall.
The last one is a very familiar but unfamiliar name. She read it when she was looking for her shoes in the Trophy Room. It's Tom Marvolo Riddle. And it reminds her of a hole, a black hole, nothingness at first. She's not afraid of anything but nothingness. She shivers whenever she thinks of it. The image of the handsome boy with dark hair and grey eyes that turn red comes to her mind and fear envelopes her. She feels sorry for him too. Maybe, just maybe, he could have been happy if his Pride hadn't prevented him. She can still see his form hugging Minerva - she wishes he never stopped it. She's a bit romantic like that.
Perhaps it's better not to remember the names. It brings too much responsibility. She's not strong-minded like the bushy haired girl to carry this responsibility, she admits this, albeit reluctantly. She wishes she could forget all the names. When she finds that she can't, she ignores them.
It's better this way.
XVII. Damaged Beyond Repair
Xenophilius Lovegood is a lonely man. People say that he went crazy after his wife's death. That he is now a crackpot indulged in silly things like non-existent magical beasts. That he really is crazy now. That his mind is damaged beyond repair.
His daughter knows that the first statement is true. She tried helping him. She failed. The void in his heart could never be filled with only her presence. Although she eased his pain, she knew she wouldn't... couldn't be enough. She failed.
People say a lot of things about other people. She's not sure if what they say is true. Luna Lovegood doesn't think that she'll ever be sure.
After all, that's what they say about her, either.
That she is damaged beyond repair.