It had been a slow Thursday night at the diner. Normally, Santana would have been in a rush to get out of there with Dani and on their way back to the loft because on Thursdays, the two would head out for karaoke night with Rachel and Kurt and drown themselves in tequila…well mostly just her and Dani,
But it isn't a normal Thursday. They had just gotten back from Lima a week before and Santana immediately requested for Gunther to schedule her to be back to work. She just couldn't handle being in the loft anymore. It wasn't the fact that she didn't want to grieve or that she didn't want to be there for Rachel or Kurt. It wasn't that at all. She misses Finn; there's no other way to say it. She misses his goofy smile; she misses hearing his annoying voice, she misses everything about the kid. But she couldn't handle seeing his friends like that anymore; she couldn't handle the silence in the loft when she was finally getting used to Rachel and Kurt's singing and constant giggling. Yeah, she misses Finn. But she misses Rachel and Kurt too.
"Thanks for walking me home, babe." Santana leans in to give Dani a soft kiss before letting out a small sigh, "You sure you don't wanna do anything tonight?"
Dani takes her girlfriend's hand and pulls her into a tight embrace, "Of course I do." She pulls away just enough to place a kiss on her nose, "But they need you more than I do right now." She says softly tilting her head towards the loft. Santana nods and turns her head to look at the big metal door, "Call me if you need anything and I promise I'll come right back."
The feeling is completely foreign to Santana. She's used to being numb to other people's feelings—hell, numb to feelings in general; everyone who knows her knows that. But the past month changed everything. Most days, she's kept busy enough with work and auditions that she doesn't have to talk about any of it with Dani, who is pretty much the only person she's been in contact with besides taking orders from customers at the diner. But the other days are hard. There would be times when she would spend most of her nights during the week at Dani's because she just couldn't handle not being able to stop Rachel from crying; she couldn't stand hearing the soft sobbing from the other side of the loft anymore. Kurt was barely ever home, trying to occupy himself with work at Vogue and at the off chance he is home, there hasn't been a single word about Finn that's been uttered in the loft since it's happened but there's been this sharp throbbing pain in her chest when her mind wanders back to what's actually happening.
Santana walks into the loft and throws her coat and bag onto the couch. She walks over to the kitchen table and finds a small post it note from Kurt.
Decided to go into work, won't be home till later.
Dinner's in the fridge..
make sure she eats something tonight.
LH xx
Santana crumples up the piece of paper and throws it into the garbage before taking out the meal Kurt's prepared and places it in the microwave. She leans her back against the counter and glances over at Rachel's curtain and lets out a sigh, trying to find something, anything, to say to her friend.
Rachel hears the soft sound of the door sliding to a close and she pulls the duvet farther up and holds the pillow closer to her body. She doesn't remember sleeping and she can feel the exhaustion through her entire body but it's almost as if her brain is refusing to turn off; she wants to keep playing the memories over and over again in her mind, and she finds herself trying to remember his voice and his laugh because she would never forgive herself if she ever forgets.
She hears footsteps coming towards her side of the loft and she closes her eyes to pretend she's asleep.
"Rach?" Santana pulls aside the curtain and walks towards Rachel's bed, "Rach, do you want some dinner?"
No reply.
Santana walks around to where her friend was facing and places the plate of food on her night stand. She can see that her eyes are closed but she knows Rachel hasn't slept in weeks. Santana places a hand on Rachel's arm and she sits there, just hoping for some sort of response.
"I'm not hungry, Santana." Rachel manages, her eyes still closed.
"Look Berry, I know you haven't eaten anything all day so just—
"I said I'm not hungry." Rachel snaps at her and opens her eyes and notices Santana's face drop and she shuts her eyes again. When she doesn't hear any other objections, she lets out a breath she didn't even know she was holding and curls up closer to her pillow. And then she feels Santana climb into the opposite side of her bed just leaving a small distance between the two of them. They stay like that for a while and finally Rachel turns over to face her friend and Santana notices her tired eyes and her heart breaks at the sight in front of her and before she realizes it, she takes Rachel's hand into hers and she can see the tears beginning to form in the other girl's eyes.
This isn't the same Rachel Berry Santana knows. It's like a part of that same Rachel died the same day that Finn did. And a small part of Santana resents Finn for this; she resents him for doing this to her friends, for making her feel like this and how dare he leave them like this? But there was a much bigger part that just wants everything back to normal, for Finn to be back and for Rachel to stop crying and for the sharp throbbing pain in her chest to just stop.
"Santana…"
She opens her eyes and she feels Rachel squeeze her hand a bit tighter.
"How are you feeling?" The smaller girl asks. And Santana almost lets out a laugh at the question, but it comes out as a whimper instead and she realizes that she's actually crying.
Santana shakes her head, "I'm supposed to be here to make sure you're okay, Berry." She chokes out.
"If I tell you how I am, will you tell me how you're doing?"
Of course Rachel has to be the one to pry Santana's feelings out of her, even during the time that she's the one that's supposed to be comforted. Even still, Santana would give anything for Rachel to be her normal annoying self again, so she nods and blinks away the tears in her eyes.
Rachel has that look on her face that Santana recognizes right before she sang that song in front of the entire Glee club a week ago and then Santana's heart breaks all over again.
"I feel like I'm drowning…all the time…" she whimpers, her eyes closing again, "and when I try to sleep, all I can see is him. And I remember the way we were when we were still together and how happy we were, and then the way we ended…" Rachel is sobbing between her words now and Santana edges closer to her and pulls her in to her embrace, "It shouldn't have ended, Santana." The taller girl is sobbing along with her now, "I never should have let it end."
Rachel pulls away just enough to rest her head back on the bed but doesn't let go of Santana's hand. "I keep thinking , what if I was there? What if I could have stopped it from happening?" she sobs and Santana shakes her head a few times.
"You'll go crazy if you think that way." She mutters quietly and Rachel lets out a small laugh that Santana doesn't recognize at all.
"I feel like I already am."
Santana is at a loss for words so she looks down at Rachel's white sheets.
"San, I know how hard it is for you to talk about how you feel. And I know you're hurting too. But I want you to know that Finn really cared about you. But I think you already knew that, right?" Rachel looks at Santana and all the taller girl could do is nod her head because if she talks, the weepy noises will come out and she's not sure she's ready for that yet.
"I miss him too." Rachel says it so softly that Santana barely hears. But she does and she wanted to say more but she just couldn't yet. She needs to stay strong for Rachel right now, and shes's afraid that if she mentions his name out loud that she herself would just break and right now, she needs to keep it together for her friend.
"You have to eat something." Santana says softly before she can let anymore tears fall.
Rachel nods and they both sit up so the smaller girl can at least pretend to pick at the food. Santana watches her take a few bites and after a few minutes, Rachel puts the plate back on the night stand and lays back down next to Santana who was still sitting up against the head board.
"I'm exhausted." Rachel say, tears still in her voice. And Santana can see that she's starting to close her eyes.
"I'll let you sleep." She begins to say and Rachel places her hand on Santana's before she got the chance to move.
"Will you just stay here for a bit? I can feel how tired I am but it's hard to fall asleep." Rachel mutters and Santana doesn't say anything, she just goes back into the position she was in before except Rachel is pressed up against her right arm and she thinks about 4 years ago and where they are now and she suddenly missed Finn more than she thought possible because without Finn, she never would have joined Glee club let alone talk to Rachel Berry. But here she is now, feeling all these normal people feelings she swore she would never put herself through. Rachel's become her best friend, along with Kurt. And yeah they still get on her nerves eighty percent of the time, but she loves them. They've become a family and she couldn't thank Finn enough for forcing these two into her life because as much as Santana will never admit it, she wouldn't know what to do without them.
"Rach?"
"Yeah?"
"I know I can be the bitch from hell a lot but you know I'll always be here for you." Santana manages to choke out, "You know that right?"
Rachel pushes the covers down a little so she can look up at Santana, "I know that." She gives her friend a small smile and cuddles up closer to her and all of a sudden, Santana's chest feels just a slight bit lighter...like at least now she can feel like she can breathe again.