A/N: This is my first attempt at a humor fic, so please, any feedback at all would be great.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it. sighs
Molly Weasley's Night of Fright
"I'm bored"
"Me too!"
"I want a coke!"
"I want a cake!"
"I'm only one person, Fred."
"It's George, Mum"
"Whatever."
Snorts of laughter.
"When are Bill and Fleur coming, 'Mione?"
"They got here an hour ago, Harry."
"We need some entertainment at this house!"
"And at those Order meetings."
"I second that!"
"Who's gonna strip for us?"
Silence.
"That's hardly appropriate Kingsley. Honestly, you'd think the Minister of Magic-"
"So, when are the Lupins getting here?"
"Soon."
"When?"
"Soon, Ronald. I swear if you don't stop asking-"
"It's just an innocent question-"
"Go to your room!"
"But, but Mum!"
"Now!"
Angry mumbles.
"When's the cake gonna be done?"
"Eventually."
"When?"
"You're just as bad as him!"
"Come off it, Molly. You know they're just fooling around,"
"Yes. They've only ever 'fooled around', especially in my class"
"Not now, Severus!"
"Ooooh, you just got burned!"
"Bill! Honestly. Upstairs, the lot of you!"
"Molly-"
A sharp knock at the door, followed by silence.
"Arthur, go get Ronald. You best be quiet when that baby gets here!"
Another knock.
"Who is it?"
"It is I, Remus Lupin, werewolf, husband to-"
"Honestly, Remus, how many times must we tell you that it's no longer necessary?" Molly Weasley asked, opening the door her home.
"Once more, as always, Molly." Remus and Molly smiled.
"Dinner's on the-"
"Where are they?"
"Why aren't they here yet?"
"Is he a metamorphmagus?"
"Is 'e small?"
"Who does he look like?"
"Do you get any sleep at all?"
"Is it hard to be a parent?"
"I bet he's cute. Is he cute?"
"'Dora and Teddy are on their way. He fell asleep, and we'd prefer you tried to keep it that way. He's a Metamorphmagus, and I think he looks more like 'Dora, but you can decided for yourselves. I have pictures while you wait," Lupin said, pulling the pictures out of his coat pocket and setting on an end table. Everyone grabbed at them hungrily.
"The cake's done!"
"But, Mum, Tonks isn't here yet!"
"I know Ginny. That's why no one can have it yet."
"Mum! I've been waiting for that cake!"
"George-"
"It's Fred, Mum."
"Oh, well…"
A sharp knock at the door.
"Molly, it's me."
"Oh, Tonks, dear," Mrs. Weasley said, opening the door. "Come in, come in. We wouldn't want either of you to catch a cold."
"Thanks for your concern Molly."
"Of course, dear. Now-"
"Is that Teddy?"
"Of course, it is!"
"Can I hold him when he wakes up?"
"He's so cute!"
"Look at ze little green 'air, Bill!"
"He's kinda small."
"Of course he's small, Ronald. He's a baby."
"I think he looks like Lupin."
"I think he looks like Tonks."
"Lupin"
"Tonks"
"Lupin"
"Tonks"
"Fred! George! Honestly."
For poor Teddy Remus Lupin, it was mass chaos. Pandemonium, even! Cats and dogs living together, snow in Africa – Teddy just wanted it all to go away. So he did what babies do best – he cried.
"See what you two have done! Don't you know anything about babies?" Ginny scolded. "Can I do it, Tonks?"
"Of course. Just, don't drop him." Tonks said, handing Teddy to the girl.
"No, I wouldn't drop him."
"I know you wouldn't. I'm going to go over by Remus and the others. Will you be okay?"
"Yes."
"Okay, his diaper bag is right here if he needs anything."
"Right."
Tonks went to the kitchen to join the other adults. Ginny stood, placing Teddy on her hip, and proceeded to bounce him up and down while walking back and forth through the room.
"That's not how you do it!"
"Yes it is, you Dunderhead."
"No, it's not."
"How would you know, Fred?"
"Angelina,"
"Who?"
"Wait that one who was on the Quidditch team?"
"Righto, Harry. Seems Freddie here-"
"Is having fun with his girlfriend, thank you"
"And she taught you about babies because?"
"We babysat together"
"Sure you did"
"Just give ze child to me"
"Why, Fleur?"
"'ecause I know how to do this."
And as they debated who would take care of Teddy properly, he decided to stop crying. Of course, none of the children realized this - they were too caught up in their arguing. Hence the reason for the chuckles of Teddy's parents who were watching from the doorway.
"Think that anyone else will realize just how many of these women are pregnant?"
"I highly doubt it."
"Well, I do believe poor Molly's going to have a heart attack when she learns about Ginny."
"Ginny's pregnant?!?"
"You really are a daft git sometimes, you know that?"
"Only when you're around"
This comment earned a male chorus of "eww"s mingled with the female chorus of "Aww"s
"Get a room, you two"
"Ummm, I'm quite sure they already have."
"Yeah, how else would Teddy have gotten here?"
"I highly doubt that Professor Lupin and Tonks enjoy us talking about their personal lives like this. Especially when they're-"
"Shut up, Hermione!"
"Oi, watch the language. My son's in the room."
"He's just a baby,"
"So? Even a fetus can hear, Ron."
"How would you know, Ginny?"
"See told you…"
"Told him what, Tonks? You know something about Dear Ginny that we don't?"
"No, it has nothing to do-"
"Gin, what aren't you telling us?"
"Harry now's not the best time."
Just then, Molly walked into the room.
"God, men are daft."
"I hear that."
"How can ze boy not know yet?"
"Tonks will you tell him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"'Cause I had to tell Remus. I've had more than my fair share of important-news-telling."
"Gee, thanks, 'Dora."
"Oh, alright, alright. Harry, I'm… I'M PREGNANT!"
Silence.
"I'm gonna be a Dad. I'm, gonna be a dad!"
"Ginerva."
A gulp.
"Mum?"
"Ginny Weasley! I can't believe you were so-"
"Congratulations, Gin, Harry! I always knew you'd make great parents."
"Yeah."
"You know, Fred. I do believe now's the perfect time for your little announcement."
"I wouldn't call it little, dear brother."
"What do you have to tell us, Fredrick?"
"Well, Angelina and I are getting' married. That's it."
"I feel faint. I think-"
"Well, zen. Now izn't ze best time to tell 'er our news, right?"
"I think we should tell her."
"What? Don't you dare tell me-"
"We're having a baby."
"Don't any of my children know how to know a simple contraceptive charm? Honestly, your Father-"
"Alicia and I know how to, Mum."
"Yeah, so do Hermione and Ron, right guys?"
"Yes. I do not want a child to ruin my-"
"Shove it, Hermione!"
"Language!"
"Sorry, Lupin."
"Oh, Lord, kill me now. Please, just-"
"I think we may have set a bad example, Remus…"
"Quite possibly, my Dear. No regrets, though."
"Quite agreed."
"Look, he fell asleep again!"
"Quiet, Fred!"
"George, actually."
"Shhh"
"I'll take him."
Tonks carefully detached her son from Ginny's hip as Remus gathered their things.
"Let's flee before she murders us, Tonks murmured to him.
"Agreed," Remus murmured back.
"Well, look at the time. Far past poor Teddy's bedtime. I think we'll have another sleepless night, Remus."
"I do agree. Thank you for your hospitality and your food, Molly. Delicious as always,"
"Bye, guys. If you need anything, you know where to find us," Tonks said, slipping out the door.
"WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE YOU LOT THINKING?!?!?!?!? GETTING PREGNANT? GINNY, YOU'RE NOT-"
Arthur and Kingsley, the only other adults left, rushed into the room.
"Mum, do you think it matters anymore? The school's got too much damage to it."
"She's right, Mum. Did you see what Bellatrix did to that one wall?"
"What happened?"
"Okay, Bellatrix storms in, wand-"
"Not that. With Ginny. I heard something about being pregnant. Ginny, you're not?"
"Yes, Arthur, you're daughter is-"
"Hey! Ginny's not the only one,"
"Thank you for reminding everyone, Charlie. Well done, little brother."
"Welcome."
"That's it! Young women on this side, young men on that side. Right-"
"Mum!"
"THAT'S IT! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CUT OFF! I SWEAR IT! YOU CHILDREN WILL BE THE GOD DAMN DEATH OF ME. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU ALL! SILENCIO!" Molly said, repeating the curse once for every person in the room, not including herself. She then proceeded to tie the girls to the mantle of the fireplace, on the left side of the room. On the right, she tied each and every boy to a different, steel object.
When she was done, she brewed herself a cup of tee, then sat in the armchair facing everyone. Mrs. Weasley scolded them for a good ten minutes, and then gave a four hour lecture on parenting, getting out every word she wanted to say. Molly smiled, untied Kingsley and her husband, and made her way to bed.