Larry Clotter
And the
Philosopher's cone
Chapter 1
Larry Clotter, the boy who was so damn lucky that the killing curse intended for him missed and rebounded off a mirror.
On Ribbet drive at exactly 12'o'clock (well, it was actually 11:58, but who cares? It makes the movie more dramatic) a car pulled up behind some trees and an old man was tossed out the door and onto the lawn, he picked himself up, wiped the blood marks from his head and legs. The old man turned back the car, made a gangster sign across his chest and said
"May death come quickly to your enemies. Thanks for the ride homies!" and with that the car drove off with rap music blaring out.
The old man was wearing half pentagonal spectacles, he had a long white beard which stretched down and connected with his shoes, so that he had a sort of fluffy white coating over his shoes. He began to walk towards the street of Ribbet drive
As he came to the street he pulled out what looked like a silver lighter, lit a cigarette and started throwing rocks at the lampposts. After 10 minutes or so all the lights in the street had gone out. The old man continued his walk until he came to a house with the number "12" except someone had glued the two letters together so it looked like and "R" rather than a 12.
A cat mewed and sat on the corner of the road
"Ah, I should have known you would be here, Professor McDonalds" said the old man softly. Suddenly an old woman eating a big Mac ran up and kicked the cat in the rear with a spiked boot.
"Damned cats!" yelled the Professor McDonalds, waddling towards the old man due to her huge girth.
"'Sup Mumblesnore" greeted the professor, her speech slurred because of her decktuple chin (is decktuple even a word?)
"Yo" returned the old man, now classified as Mumblesnore.
"Are the drunken hobo's rantings true or just insane ramblings, Cowfuss?"
"I'm afraid so professor, the good, the bad" the camera zoomed in on Mumblesnore's face "and the ugly".
The camera resumed its normal position.
"And the boy?" asked the overweight professor
"Fagrid is bringing him" answered Mumblesnore
"You are a totally moron for trusting that perverted homosexual with such a important task" commented Professor McDonald angrily
"Professor, I would trust Fagrid with my life" said Mumblesnore kindly
As soon as the words had left his lips when the two professors heard a loud roaring noise and a huge motorbike came flying out of the sky and hit Mumblesnore full on in the chest. Mumblesnore went flying and landed in a prickle bush, he got out, coughed up a lot of blood and cracked his nose into the correct position.
"Scratch that" he said weakly "I wouldn't trust Fagrid with my pen"
"Ohmigosh, I am so sorry, sir!" cried Fagrid in a gay voice he clambered off of the bike and the two professors could see Fagrid properly, he was as tall as two grown men and as wide as 3 men ("Have to watch the waistline! Oh, I'm terrible!"). He wore a huge pink coat and a red neckerchief, his beard and hair was braided into pigtails and he wore thick green sandals with the letters G.A.P on them (Gay And Proud)
"No problems I trust, Fagrid?" asked Mumblesnore, raising an eyebrow
"No, sir" replied Fagrid, eyes shifty, he walked over to the bike and pulled out a small bundle of cloth from somewhere in the engine and walked back over to the two professors "little loudmouth wouldn't shut up, so I knocked him out as we were flying over Bristol" Fagrid handed over the baby as Mumblesnore sighed as Fagrid admitted to his child abuse
"Try not to wake him" warned Fagrid cautiously "He'll scream, you know, due to the bleeding" Fagrid laughed like Michael Jackson.
A shiver went down Professor McDonalds' spine as Fagrid did this.
"Do you really burp think its safe, leaving him with these people?" asked McDonalds worriedly "I've watched them all day, they're the nicest of people, surely the boy will become lazy and corrupt from their care? They really are--"
"The only family he has, well, except for his godfather in book three…"
"Dude! You're not supposed to leak spoilers!" exclaimed Professor McDonalds, shocked.
"So what? Its not like some noob will leak all the plot like the always do anyways" replied Professor Mumblesnore rolling his eyes.
"But he will be famous, every child in our world will now his name" argued McDonalds
"Exactly" explained Mumblesnore calmly "He's far better off growing up away from all of that, I mean, by the time he would have grown up, there will be no fame left for Yon and Perlieoknee!"
Fagrid began to sniffle
"There, there Fagrid" said Mumblesnore kindly "its only 10 years til you see him again"
"Its n-not that" wailed Fagrid "I left the iron on my favourite neckerchief, i-its going to b-b-burn!"
Mumblesnore and McDonald bent down and placed the bundle of cloth on the doorstep of number R, Ribbet drive, leaving a letter on top, reading:
Mr. And Mrs. Dursday
Number R Ribbet Drive
Little Whinger
Curry
"Good luck….Larry Clotter" whisper Mumblesnore, on the baby's forehead, quite visible, was a scar, shaped like a Delectagaomegagon (yet again with the made up shapes)
"C'mon, I'm hungry"
"I suggest McDonalds!"
"Ooh! Ooh! Greek! On me!"
"Well, if Fagrids paying, I'm going" agreed Mumblesnore
"Fine" said Professor McDonalds sulkily.
And the three figures walked off into the night.