Disclaimer: I own nothing except my character, Cam. Everyone else belongs to James Cameron...


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Logan sat in his car, blindly staring at the rain beating down the windshield. Glancing at the dashboard clock, he realized it was nearly time for his appointment with Dr. Lansing. With a deep sigh, he opened the door and stepped out into the downpour. Moving slowly, he made his way across the parking lot, not even noticing the rain that streamed down his face, masking the ever present tears.


Opening the office door, Logan was met by Rebecca, Dr. Lansing's nonstop, ever perky receptionist. Rebecca was one of those carefree souls, an optimist through and through. Always smiling, always happy, amazingly bright and cheerful. Logan shuddered to think what Rebecca had been like before the Pulse. If she was this blissfully ignorant in the face of what the world had become, then she must have been a ray of pure sunshine back when the world was fresh. Flashing one of her million watt smiles, Rebecca hurried toward him.
"Mr. Cale! It's so nice to see you! I'm afraid the doctors running behind today," at this her smile dimmed slightly, "you don't mind waiting a bit, do you?". She peered anxiously at him, waiting for his response.
Logan gave her a close approximation of the smile and said, "That's fine Rebecca, I don't mind waiting. What else do I have to do today?"
"Now, Mr. Cale! I won't have you talking that way! Could you be any more depressed?" Rebecca chided.
"Well, that is why I'm here, isn't it? For depression?"
"I'm sorry Mr. Cale...I didn't mean...you see..."
Logan held up his hand, "that's OK, Rebecca," he said tiredly, "I know what you meant. No big deal"
"If you say so..." Rebecca retreated to her desk on the other side of the room, sat down and started humming softly as she began work on a case file.


Logan sank down into one of the overstuffed, plush chairs. He closed his eyes and leaned back his head. What was that tune Rebecca was humming? It sounded so familiar...oh yes, now he remembered. That was the song that had been playing the last time he'd seen Bling, the night Logan had driven him away.


It had happened about three months after Max was killed. Logan had sequestered himself and his apartment, refusing to see or talk to anyone. Kendra and Original Cindy had tried to reach him, Herbal and Sketchy had called once or twice, even Lydecker and the other X-5's had showed up, but to no avail. Logan had lain in bed, cursing has lousy timing, first in waiting so long to show Max how he really felt, and second in not being there when she needed him most. He had wasted so much time with her, protesting that 'they weren't like that' when any idiot could see what was between them. But now, nothing mattered anymore, because he had failed to the one woman he had truly loved. She had died in his arms, while he, the original ineffectual Romeo, had stood by helpless. It was like something out of a Shakespearean play. So he had shut down, closed up shop, no more Eyes Only, no more anything. But the whole time Bling had been all over him. Pushing for Logan to snap out of it, comeback to the real world. And that's what had finally caused Bling to explode. Logan remembered it like it were yesterday.


~~~~~~~~~FLASHBACK ~~~~~~~~~


"Logan! Come on man, open up!" Bling paused a moment, then pounded on the bedroom door again. "If you won't come out, then I'm coming in! You better be decent!", he turned the handle, but Logan had locked it again. "That's it man, I'm done screwing around with you! Here I come!".
Bling put a shoulder to the door and pushed, once, twice. On the third try he felt the wood give a bit. Finally he backed off and gave it one sturdy kick, splintering the lock away from the door frame. Logan sat up, with an incredulous look on his face. "What in the hell do you think you're doing!!?" he roared, "get out of here!"
"No way," Bling shot back to, "I've been standing by the last three months, respecting your wishes to be left alone, but not anymore! You're going to get up out of that bed and stop feeling sorry for yourself!"
Logan fell back against the pillows and pulled the covers up over his head. "You might as well go way, Bling. I'm staying right here...I don't want to get up...I don't want to do anything. Nothing you can say or do will change that."
"Bullshit, I'll pull you out of there if I have to!" Bling grabbed the blanket, wrenched it out of Logan hands and threw across the room. He ignored Logan's flailing arms and shouted protests, caught hold of his wrist and physically hauled him out of bed. Bling forced him across the room, to the mirror on the dresser. "Look at yourself, Cale! Look! See what you've become?"
Logan shut his eyes and turned his head, muttering under his breath, repeating the word ' No '. Bling caught Logan's chin in his palm, forcing him to face the mirror. "Look, damn you!" He shouted, "you're dying in here, wasting away! You have to move on with your life! Max would want that..." Logan peered his reflection, he had lost weight, maybe 20 to 25 pounds, his eyes were rimmed in red, hair dirty and unkempt, his facial hair way past stubble.
"No," he began quietly, "this is nothing, I deserve much worse than this...after the way I failed Max, I don't deserve to live...there's no reason to live without her."
Bling let go of Logan's chin and stared at him in the mirror. "You don't mean that, Logan. You can't mean that...what about all of your friends? We miss you, we want you back. What about your work? Max would want you to keep going with Eyes Only..."
Logan turned on Bling, shoving him back a few feet, "What do you know about what Max wanted?! All she wanted was to be normal!! To have a regular life! To not have to look over her shoulder every five minutes! And what did Eyes Only do for her? He got her killed! That's what! Deep down, she hated Eyes Only! The work was always standing between us...and what good was it all?"
"You helped a lot of people, Cale, doesn't that account for anything?" Bling asked softly.
Logan pushed him again, "No!" He screamed, "No! It counts for shit! Max is dead! She died in a horrible place that she never fully escaped! And I led her right back! She's probably rotting in an unmarked hole in the ground, alone! No one will ever lay a flower on her fucking grave and it's all my fault! So fuck you, Bling, because none of it counts for shit!"
With a wounded look in his eyes, Bling said, "Fine. I'm done. I'm not going to stand by anymore and watch you destroy yourself. You still have people who care for you, and I'm sorry you had to go through all that you did. But I'm finished, don't call me, just forget that you know me. It was bad enough losing Max, because I loved her too, but I draw the line here. You want to self-destruct? Then do it on your own, Cale!"
And with that Bling walked toward the door, only pausing long enough to say, "You need help Logan, and you need fast. I'm just sorry I couldn't help you." Continuing out the door, he was gone...forever.


~~~~~~~~~~END FLASHBACK ~~~~~~~~~~~


That was over a year ago and Logan and never saw him again. But what Logan didn't know, was that Bling had instrumented his coming to Dr. Lansing. He had kept in contact with Original Cindy and Kendra, keeping tabs on Logan from a distance. One day, while in the local coffee shop, Bling had overheard two men talking about a grief therapist. From what these men had to say, it sounded like the doctor was a miracle worker. As the men rose to leave, Bling intercepted them at the door. He introduced himself, apologized for eavesdropping and explained Logan's situation. One of the men scribbled Dr. Lansing's phone number on the back of his business card and handed it to Bling, wishing him luck.
Bling made an appointment with the doctor, and met with her himself. After the ' get to know you ' session, he approved of Dr. Lansing enough to pass the number along to Original Cindy, asking that she somehow get it to Logan.


Logan thoughts about the day Original Cindy and Kendra had showed up at his door. They rang the downstairs buzzer, calling up to him. Logan had ignored them totally, not even bothering to tell them to go away. A few minutes later there was a knock on his door... somehow they had gotten upstairs. Logan crept to the door and peeked through the fish eye lens. There they were, Original Cindy with one hip kicked out, Kendra with her funky style and sweet smile. Logan leaned his forehead against the door and just stared. It hurt to see them, it hurt because Max wasn't there. He almost couldn't stand the sight, it made Max being gone much too real. As he watched, Original Cindy stepped up to the door and squinted through the lens...her chocolate brown eye mere inches from his own...so like Max. Logan slowly pulled back from the door, moving as quietly as he could.
"Open up, Boo! We know ya in there!" Original Cindy shouted, startling him.
Tripping on the rug, he knocked over the hallway table with a tremendous crash. "Damn...", was all he said.


Kendra and Original Cindy stood in the hallway, they had just knocked on the door and were waiting for some sort of response.
"Maybe he's not home.", Kendra suggested.
"Naw," Original Cindy answered, "the boy is home, from what Bling told me, rich boy ain't been outside in ages."
Kendra sighed, "This is so sad! I miss Max as much as anyone, but what is he thinking? He can't change the situation..." she fell silent, pensive. Original Cindy stepped up to the door and squinted through the peephole. She couldn't see anything, but damned if she couldn't feel him on the other side of the door, staring out at them.
"Open up, Boo!" Original Cindy shouted, "We know ya in there!"
From the other side of the door, they heard a loud crash, followed by a soft "Damn".
"That's right, sug! We done heard you! Now don't you be keeping us out here all day...open up!" Original Cindy crowed.


Logan wiped his hand across his face, looked around, ' no way out ' he thought, ' this is bad...'. Steeling himself, he slowly undid the locks and opened the door.


Original Cindy came in like a hurricane, louder, fast, and ruthless. Already talking a mile minute, she was shocked into silence once she got a good look at Logan.
"Oh, Boo..." she breathed, stretching out her hand to touch his hollowed cheeks, "just look at you...".
A tear ran down Logan's cheek, splashing over Original Cindy's fingertips. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she enfolded Logan in her arms, crooning in his ear, "It's all right, sug. Original Cindy is here to help...you just lay it all on me, Boo. Let it out...". Kendra burst into tears and joined the embrace, stroking Logan's matted hair. He felt the love, the heartfelt compassion, pouring out of these two women, and something broke within him. Sagging in their arms, Logan sobbed. Sliding down, the three friends lay propped against the wall in a tangled heap, Original Cindy and Kendra trying to soothe Logan as he cried out Max's name and choked on his tears.


Sometime later, Logan's grief spent for the moment, they rose to their feet. Original Cindy and Kendra looked over Logan as he leaned against the wall, wrapped in his own arms. He was emaciated, shrunken, his hair and clothing dirty.
"When was the last time you ate?" Kendra asked gently.
Logan just shook his head, not knowing the answer to her question.
"C'mon, Boo," Cindy said, taking charge, "let's get something into you."
They led Logan into the kitchen. Sweeping aside piles of papers and old food wrappers, they sat him at the table.
"Jesus," Kendra whispered to Original Cindy, "look at this place!"
Logan's usually need surroundings looked like a bomb had hit. Trash cluttered most of the surfaces, broken glass was everywhere, and many, if not all of the paintings were on the floor, shredded.
"Logan, what happened here? Who did all this?" Kendra asked.
"I did." He answered simply, "it was me."
"But...why?"
Logan put his face in his hands, and mumbled, "what else was there to do? I woke up one night, about a week after...it...happened. I was so tired of going on without her...that week had seemed like a year." Logan looked up and met their eyes, "I was going to kill myself...but I couldn't do it. God, how I wanted to! But I kept seeing Max, and she was telling me ' No! Don't give up! ' I had so much rage bottled up inside, I had to let out somehow...so I destroyed everything I could get my hands on. But it didn't make me feel any better...after that I only felt more empty."
Kendra leaned over and hugged Logan, whispering, "it's going to be okay..." Straightening up, she turned to Cindy and said, "I'm going to make him something to eat. Why don't you go and run him a bath? Then maybe we can get him into some clean clothes and straighten up a bit."


It had taken most of the day, but they had managed to feed, wash and cleanup Logan. His apartment was still not quite back to normal, but once they were done, it was a huge improvement. The three friends sat and talked for hours, sorting out their feelings, each of them breaking down more than once. But when Original Cindy and Kendra rose to leave, Logan admitted to feeling better than he had in months.
Brushing one of her tight, black curls behind her ear, Original Cindy said, "Told ya, Boo. What you need is somebody to talk to...not just hide away in this big ole apartment. Get yourself back on track...and Original Cindy is here to help with that!"
Without taking her eyes off of Logan, she held out her hand to Kendra, who placed a business card in her palm. Tucking the card into Logan's shirt pocket, she said, "Put away your pride, sug, and go get some help. Original Cindy knows this whole situation is a real bitch, but you can beat it..."
"And remember," Kendra interjected, "we've got your back...don't hesitate to call." With lots of hugs and promises, they parted ways.


Closing the door behind them, Logan took the business card out of his pocket. "Dr. E. Lansing, Grief Therapist" he read aloud. Sighing deeply, he placed the card back into his pocket.


Now he was coming up on the one year anniversary of his first appointment with Dr. Lansing. Even though he hated to admit it, he had many more up days than down. Somehow he felt as though he were betraying Max's memory by the simple act of being happy. It was true that he would never forget her, he still climbed to the space needle occasionally, just to feel close to Max. But the hurt was beginning to fade, Dr. Lansing had seen to that.


He had told her everything, once he felt he could trust her, mainly because there was no way to tell his story without being 100 percent truthful. Dr. Lansing had seemed skeptical at first, but eventually she came to believe the whole story. After explaining to her the way Max had died, she had suggested the Logan purchase a cemetery plot and headstone for Max.
"That way," she explained, "you'll at least have some feeling of closure. You'll have a place to visit her. It may help the healing process."
At first it had seemed morbid, but Logan was willing to try anything that might ease his heartache. It had turned out that the good doctor knew what she was talking about. Having a place to visit Max's memory was a great help, not only to him, but to all of Max's friends.


"Mr. Cale...Mr. Cale? The doctor will see you now."
"Thank you, Rebecca." Logan said. Rising from the chair, he headed toward the door to be inner office.
"Mr. Cale? Are you sure you're feeling all right? You seemed a million miles away when I called your name."
"I'm fine, Rebecca, just thinking about some old friends, is all."
Rebecca smile brightly and nodded towards the door, "well, she's waiting...sorry it took so long today." Logan waved off her apology and entered Dr. Lansing's office.


"Mr. Cale! So good to see you!" Dr. Lansing exclaimed, holding out her hand. Logan smiled in response, shook her hand and sat down on the couch next to the doctor's desk. "Now, Mr. Cale, I'm sure you know why I called this special appointment today?"
"Yes," Logan answered, "today is the 18 month anniversary of Max's death."
"Very good, Mr. Cale...and how are you feeling about that?"
"Well, I'm obviously depressed, saddened. But the pain is less than at the one year anniversary."
" And how are you feeling about the pain being lessened?" asked Dr. Lansing.
"Rather guilty, if you want the truth. She was so...special to me...a year and a half just seems too...short. I feel like she deserves more than this..."
"Mr. Cale, these feelings are totally normal. Of course you still feel guilt over the situation...you walked away and Max didn't. In cases like this, the survivor always feels some guilt, it's only natural. But I'm very pleased with your overall progress and I think that we're nearing an end here."
Logan sat forward in his chair, "What? I don't feel ready yet. Granted, I am doing better...but, Dr. Lansing, do you really think..."
"Mr. Cale...Logan...I would never consider turning one of my patients loose unless I was positive that they were ready for the world again. You're not quite there, but almost."
Logan shook his head, "you're the doctor." he muttered.
"So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?" Dr. Lansing asked, while smoothing a wayward strand of her short blond hair.
Logan smiled slightly, "Well, I'm going to visit Max...I stopped on the way over and bought some flowers. Then, I'm supposed to have dinner with some friends...that's all, really..."
"Good, make sure you maintain contact with your friends. After all, there are your support system." She stood and extended her hand. "I'll be seeing you soon, Mr. Cale. Enjoy the rest of your day. And don't forget to stop by Rebecca's desk on the way out, to schedule your next appointment."
Logan assured her that he wouldn't forget, shook her hand and left. As soon as the door closed behind him, Dr. Lansing picked up the phone and punched a series of numbers.
"Yeah, it's me," she barked, "he's coming right to you, make sure you're in position. And don't screw this up! I've been patient for the last 18 months and now I want this whiny little bastard taking care of...once and for all!"
Slamming down the phone, Madam X kicked her heels up on the desk and gazed out the window. It was shaping up to be a beautiful day.


~~~~~~~TO BE CONTINUED ~~~~~~~