Home

by Cazzychaps

A poetry-like diary from the Cartwrights about their home.

HOME by Cazzychaps

FIRST NIGHT

I'm standing under a group of stars I will memorize and cherish forever. Their pulsating light comes to me from far away, yet they seem so close and comforting. Under these stars and God's eyes, I will promise to prosper and grow but never to lose sight of my goal for an honest and moral life. I have met with many challenges and dangers on my way to this place. Tragedy has brushed me, yet so has intense joy. I will try and use these lessons of life to carve my future and that of my sons. The beautiful heavens will help me, I know. If I am faced with hardship and tests along the way, I will turn to you, the stars, and your steady, calming presence.

I am somewhere that is like no other place I've ever been before. It looks like many other places I've been but yet is different. It's a place that offers an arrival path, and also one that leads away. It shows me it's best face, as most places do in springtime. I know it will show me its worst face in a few short months. But, I will learn its dangers and overcome them. I will watch it and learn its secrets and try to become one with it. I don't know how, as I have never done this before, but I feel I am ready to try. This is the first place that has ever felt like home in my heart. I want to know my home. Home; for so long a dream.

Them hills seem like friends. I ain't got but one friend: my brother. He's gonna help me learn them hills. He says we ain't never spendin' another night in that hard wagon. We is gonna have grass, and trees and fish what belongs to us. I can smell the fresh spring air, and it'll be mine. I can learn to love what I see without fear it's gonna be gone in the morning afore the sun reaches quarter to noon. The critters what run on these hills will be mine: mine to protect and mine to love, even if I don't get to pet them. My brother says I'm gonna run and run and not reach the end of my hills. I ain't never dreamed of my own hills before. But tonight, I will dream of them.

FIRST HOME

Carved by my own hands from strong, solid timbers that will shelter and warm us. Their majestic hold on this land is not lost but changed. Now, these timbers will protect and fortify my family forever. They will bring us together and allow us to unite under this brilliant sky and fertile earth. Within these walls, my sons will grow and learn. I hope they will come to trust the harbor this dwelling will provide. I want them to be confident that they will always be safe and protected here. Almost too long, we did search. Tonight, the hearth will be lit for the first time in this home. The first time of thousands of times, cheerful smoke will billow and beckon and let those who live within its warmth know they are home.

I feel scared yet excited. This house is a stranger to me now, but I feel it might become more of a friend to me than the wagon we rode west in became. It is a hundred times larger than the wagon was, but it has no wheels for movement. So, I am sure it will always be in one spot. Somehow, that frightens me - comforts me too. I've never known a home to lay my head that would be in the same place when I woke in the morning. Still, all the while, I have longed for it. The construction is sturdy. The beams will not fall. They will stand for a hundred years, as the trees did they were cut from. And the fireplace…it's so large, with a mantle where I can put my music box and my book. Perhaps home is having a place where everything is safe and warm and will always be.

The fire worries me. It roars and lets off so much heat. Never did a campfire roar so high. My brother says it's because it has a chim-in-ney. Ain't that a funny word. I do so like the big pot what's hangin' over the fire though. It's got a fine meal cookin' in it, and the walls of the house keeps in the smell. I don't think I ever smelled somethin' so strong and good. I have my own bed now. But I cain't see the stars from where I lie. My brother says one day he'll make me a room with a glass piece what will let me see the stars whenever I want. I don't know if he really could, but I have faith in him that he will try for me. This house will take some gittin' used to.

FIRST CHRISTMAS

It has been my privilege to receive all for which I could ever wish. Tonight, on this most holy of nights, my sons sleep in their own beds, with a roof built of my own hands safely covering and protecting them. The fire burns low yet keeps us warm. Our bellies are full, and my mind is content. I have little to give, but I know they will not be sad. Their bodies are growing strong with the settlement. Their eyes are shining, and their sense of home is becoming powerful. These are gifts that cannot be given or bought. They have to be earned by way of commitment and steadiness and promises kept. I have tried to give them this, and in the morning, we will be thankful for all we have.'

I cannot sleep tonight. I know it is wrong to lie awake and dream, but I cannot help it. Tonight, Pa says the angels are soaring. He says my Ma and my brother's Ma are coming to kiss us in our sleep for Christmas. I want to fall asleep so our Ma's can come, but I don't want to miss them. Will they come in through the chimney, or will they float through the wall? I want to tell them I love them, but that's not something I could ever say out loud for my Pa or brother to hear. But I can say it in my heart. Deep inside. I can hide it there, and because my Ma's are angels, they will find it. My Christmas wish is that they find us and stay in the heavens right above our home. Then, I can see them in the stars.

This is the latest I've ever been awake. I think that maybe my brother is even asleep. I wonder what heaven looks like, and I wonder if wise men look any different from regular folks? I sure did like them Christmas stories what my Pa read out loud. I wonder if I was born in a stable? I don't remember. You'd think a person would remember his own birthin', but I don't. I don't remember my Ma. My brother says she's coming to kiss me for Christmas, but I have to be asleep before she does. I can't see her cause she's an angel, but in the morning, I'll know she's been cause I'll feel warm and safe and happy. But in this house, I always feel like that. Maybe she's here all the time and watches over us in our beds every night. Yeah. G'night, Ma.

FIRST YEAR

How I've grown to love this land. The shimmering, crystal blue lake is a mirror into my soul. The tall, majestic pines stand like an army, proudly defending us. The rolling grasslands warm my heart and give us food and hope for a good future. I have watched my sons grow and flourish in this beautiful place. They are becoming one with the land and it with them. Sometimes I cannot bear to think of them separated from it. Yet once, just a short year ago, the land and we were strangers: cautious of each other and wary. We have learned to understand and respect it. In turn, it has offered us security. We will never take that lightly.

I can run fast, now. I know my way through these hills and forests better than anyone before. I'm stronger and don't get sick like I used to; I can sit my own pony and ride like the wind. Today, I shot us some dinner. Pa says I'm becoming a man, and with it comes responsibility. I never should shoot more than I can eat. I should protect and preserve my home. I should never believe I know more than the land. It will always be smarter than I am. My brother is growing strong too. I have to watch out for him. He loves this land almost as much as I do. At night, I read to him and tell him stories. He laughs a lot. I wish I could laugh more like him. I will keep my laughter deep inside and cherish it, along with our Ma's angel kisses. There, it will be protected and special.

I climbed two trees today. I'm almost up to my brother's shoulders, so I will become a man the same time he does. Down at the creek, I saw a deer and her fawn. They was so pretty. Their delicate noses twitchin' tryin' to scent me. But I was too clever. I know how to tread softly so as they don't hear me. And I know how to be down wind so as they don't smell me. I just want to watch 'em being. I can sit and wait for hours, where my brother has a hard time just sittin'. He likes to read me stories outta his books, but I can make stories up in my mind from the critters and the sun and the trees. I want to always be close enough to watch them and know them.

FIRST NIGHT

We have a new house, one that will last a hundred years. My sons and I built it together with love and hard work. My eldest son insisted on fancy glass windows to see out at night, and he designed the biggest fireplace man ever created. It will always be a gathering point for our family. My younger son wanted a large kitchen, and so we made one. It is going to be hard leaving this first cabin. We became a family here and built our strength here. I shall always cherish these walls and visit when I can. I can see the same stars from our new house, but deep inside, this will always be our first home: our true home.

It seems strange to pack. Things I put in their place now have to find a new place. The new house still seems cold and stark. I made a huge fireplace so that I could always be as warm as in this cabin, but I'm not sure it will work. The new house is large enough for all of us and more. I know it's childish of me, but I hope our Ma's will know where to find us tonight. I'm older now, and I don't really need them to kiss me goodnight, but I think my brother still does. When Pa goes away in spring, I have to look after my brother. Having a home and a family is a very responsible thing. How I hate to leave this home: the first one I ever had. I must pack my book, my music box. My heart.

Wow, I cain't believe I have to climb them stairs every night. Pa says it'll make me closer to the angels. But I'm excited because my brother did what he said he'd do years ago - he put a glass window right by my bed so any time I want I can see the stars and the outside. I can be close to my hills and my trees without bein' cold. I love my old house though. I think in the summer time I'll camp here and sneak inside and pretend I'm still livin' here. I like the new place. The kitchen is large, and there's a barn for our ponies so they'll be warm and safe along with us. I hope we can see the same stars from there as from here. I love the stars. My Ma is there, shinin' down, makin' sure we're okay.

FIRST PARTING

I don't want to leave them all alone. We have friends now and a China man who is already like family. I know they will watch over my sons, but I cannot escape the guilt I feel. I will be lonely without them. My guilt is selfish. I fear I will miss their growth, a smile, and a fond moment around the fire at night. Yet, my need to make their lives worth something and to keep my word to a friend compels me to go. I also need to secure our future with the sale of our furs. I shall watch over them tonight, memorizing every line of their faces and absorbing each beat of their hearts, so I can recall them at my lowest point. I know my darling wives will keep them safe for me until I return.

It's strange knowing that Pa will not be here. He explained to me his reason for going. I understand, but I'm not sure my brother does. He says while he's gone I'm in charge. I must be a man and look after the ranch and my brother. I told him I would and not to worry about us. But, deep inside, I'm hesitant. Am I brave enough to be alone without Pa? I have to be. Ma will watch over us and help me. Our new friends will take us in until Pa can return. Until he does, I will be the man he sees in me. I will take his place and provide for my brother. I will make sure he doesn't want for anything. He will be safe, warm and happy. This is my duty.

My Pa told me he's leavin'. He has to go a long way away, and he says it's too far away for me and my brother to go with him. I thought the end of our hills was far away, but Pa says he's goin' much further. He's a good tracker is Pa. He won't get lost. I saw him hunt down a mountain lion just last month. He read the ground and the air and wind; taught me to do the same - to know the signs of where I am, where I was and where I'm gonna be. Pa knows where he's goin'. I'm not worried. I know he'll find his way home all right. My brother will tend to me while he's gone. I ain't worried about that either. My brother is smart and almost grown. I'll miss Pa, but I know he'll keep his word and come home when he's done seein' to his promises.

It's hard without them. Harder than I thought. The loneliness is almost crushing. Not only do I miss them, but I miss the spirits of their mothers that glow through their eyes and actions every day. I miss their questions, their vitality and their dependence. How could I ever have left? Yet, how could I have brought them? The trail is fraught with danger. I must be more than careful with everything I do. I must make it home and back to my boys at any cost. They are relying on me. Already my eldest son's life has been full of uncertainty and responsibility beyond reason. I mustn't fail him. And my youngest, he waits patiently I know. He believes in my promise and me. I must not let them down.

I'm counting the days until summer is over. Not because I don't love the warm sun-drenched days or the balmy nights with stars so huge I feel I can touch them, but because I know that at the end of summer, my father will return. I do my chores and make sure by brother does his too, but at night, around the fire I miss Pa so much. What if he doesn't come home? That can happen. I know about death. People die when they don't expect it. You can never make too many promises because one day you might not be able to keep them. If my Pa doesn't keep his promise, I'm not sure what I'll do. I guess I'll have to carry on without him, like he's had to do without Ma. He'd want me to be strong, for my brother.

I love summer: the fields of wildflowers around the lake, the warm long days and the night critters calling their songs, the day animals playin' with young 'uns. I want to go watch them all the time, but my brother only lets me when he comes along. There's always so many chores I don't hardly get enough time to see all the critters I want to. I know he's lookin' out for me like Pa told him too, but sometimes I don't need lookin' after so much. Pa will be home soon, and I'm wonderin' if he'll bring me a present? My brother says not to expect nothin', that it'll be enough to have Pa home safe. I'm not worried 'bout that. He'll be here before we know it. But the summer, it'll be gone all too soon.

ALMOST HOME

I'm longing to see them. This slow, tedious journey frustrates me. There are many hard days yet to travel. I want to be home with both my sons and my new wife. Will they understand having a new Ma? The youngest, he will take to her, but the oldest I fear will be more cautious with his trust. How can I blame him? He's had so many changes in his young life. Can I dare ask him to adapt once more? My beautiful, courageous bride will try her best. Can she possibly know how hard it might be to love another's sons as her own? Not only that, she has to face a new land and a new home forged from the wilderness. Will her heartbeat find the magical rhythm that will bond her to our land as ours did? Will she feel protected and safe and content? Will she feel as if she has come home?

He's coming; I can sense it. It's like when he used to scout for the wagon train. I could always tell when he was almost home. We've missed him, haven't we, Ma. I don't think I'll tell him how much though, because I want him to see that I'm a man now and have been able to take care of my brother and the ranch in his absence. I want him to know he can depend on me in the future and always. He needs me like that; he told me once. I won't ever let him down. However, tonight, once my brother is asleep and we are reading together by the fire for a while, I might move close and lay my head in the crook of his arm - just for a moment. Do you think he'll mind?

My brother says Pa's a'comin'. I don't know how he knows; maybe it's like trackin' a coyote. You can sense him all around, see tracks, but you don't know he's really there until you see him. Oh boy, I'm gonna run down to the bend in the road near the lake to see if I can see him comin'. I wonder what he brung me back? My brother says I shouldn't expect nothin', and I don't really, but what if he brought me somthin' keen from all the way 'tother side of the world? I still don't know how far that is. These hills of mine are far enough away for me. I'm never gonna leave 'em. Time to eat. Maybe after lunch Pa'll be here.

My sons, there they are! They're running to greet me. How could boys grow so much in a few months? I've missed them so. Look at those smiles. I don't think I've ever seen them with such big grins. They're almost here. They've seen I'm not in the wagon alone. Their grins are fading. The eldest, he's curious, cautious. I can see his mind working beneath his intelligent dark eyes. No boy, don't frown. She'll love you; you'll see. My youngest, he's puzzled also, but he's too excited to slow down his running. They are almost with me after such a long separation. I'll never leave them again, and with Marie by my side, they'll have a proper family once more.

NEW BORN

I'm a father once more. There was a time I thought I'd never be truly happy again. I felt there would always be two large slices of my heart missing and they would cripple me forever. The wounds are still there, but a warm new love has made them smaller and healed them, removed the sadness and left only the happy, sweet memories. My new son, born of love and strength will always know his home. The rich earth of this land will be part of him as he grows. His brothers will shelter him and teach him. He will grow strong and proud, like the tall pines that surround us. His mother is content. She has adapted to this life and to my nature and sons so well. We are a family that will never be torn apart, no matter what we face. Come, my new-born son, come see the sunrise over your world. Your first.

The baby's so tiny. I remember my other brother being so much bigger. Perhaps because I was only a young boy myself. I'm a man now, just turned twelve. Those days in the first cabin seem so long ago. I longed for a home then, and I still do, but there's a part of me that tugs on my heart, asking if one day I'll see new places and experience new adventures once again. My books take me to those places: places where I can escape and become whoever I want. I like to learn; it feeds my mind like a good dinner, but I'm soon hungry once again. Pa has taught me a lot and so has the land, but there is so much more to know. Sometimes I dream about building mills and bridges and working out ways to make the ranch chores easier. Perhaps I'll go to college one day to learn how, but not yet. I'm needed here. There's a new baby to take care of, and Pa needs my help in all facets of the ranch work. He depends on me to look after the family when he can't be here. There always seems to be someone or something to care for. I don't mind. Maybe that's what love is. I'll be their shoulder to lean on. College can wait.

Yee Haw, I got m'self a baby brother to play with. Pa say's he ain't gonna be able to play for a long spell yet, but he's already got the look of mischief about him. I got this strange feelin' he's gonna get me into a peck of trouble when he's old enough. I still like playin' with my older brother, but he's growin' fast and now works full days on the ranch and does somethin' he calls 'study'. I don't care for that much. I think sometimes one of them heavy horse's harness might have hit him plumb on the head to make him so smart. Me, I love to ride my pony, watch the animals and help with the cattle. Pa says I'll be a good cattleman one day. I'm kinda big. Ma says I eat enough everyday to fill two fat ol' hogs. I don't know about that; all I know is I love my life, and I'm mostly powerful hungry.

LOST LOVE

My mind is a dark, hollow place. Every step and movement seems heavy and without purpose. The sunlight can't warm me. The stars can't guide me. I'm trapped in a murkiness that seems to swallow me and pull me under. How many times must I endure this terrible heartache before God will let me rest? I feel numb, without purpose . . .yet . . . my sons are still here with me. I feel them around me but I know I'm not letting them close. I can't - it's too painful. They'll be all right. The oldest, he'll take control. My middle boy, he'll stay steady and the youngest . . .but the youngest - he'll need me. How can I console him when I can't console myself? The world is a dark, cruel place without love, but I have love still in my boys, don't I? I must remember that and try to focus there to save my bleeding soul.

It's hard, so hard to see him like this. I must not grieve. There's no time. I must hold everything together. They all need me in different ways. I feel I'm being pulled apart by a team of wild horses, but I must stay calm and dependable. It's what he would want of me if he were conscience of his melancholy. I will always do what's right for him, because he's always been there for me. I'm worried about my youngest brother. He doesn't understand death. Nor does he understand our father's wounded heart. It's up to me to shelter him and try to continue his normal life. Am I sad? The arrow of death has shot me before. It buried itself deep within me. I allowed the scars to knot and grow hard. This new scar can be hidden there also. I can detach my mind from it and carry on. If one day the scarred memories should break away and drown me in their lethal grief, so be it. Until then, I shall remain strong for those who cannot be strong themselves.

The cattle need brandin'. The fences need mendin'. The chores need doin'. I can help my brother by doin' these things without complainin'. I can also try and make peace with my family when they are full of rage and frustration. Death comes and goes in all parts of life. I see it in the animals and in the trees and mountains. It's hard to accept, but it's the natural way of things. I try and tell my little brother that, but I'm not sure he understands. I'll try tellin' him that story about the bear cub that lost its mamma. It grew to be big and strong. Maybe he thinks he'll stop growin' without her. Yeah, I'll tell him tonight. Right now, I have to help my big brother. Gotta get the cattle in.

Where's my mamma? Where did she go? I don't like it without her here. Pa won't tell me. He looks at me kinda funny. I don't understand why. Maybe I could run away from home and find her. My brothers? One of 'em says she's with the bears. I don't believe that cause she's afraid of 'em. She once read me a story 'bout bears, and she said so. My other brother, he's kinda actin' like Pa. Tellin' me when to get up, get dressed, when to eat and when to go ta bed. I don't understand. I think he knows where Ma really is, but he won't say. He told me once his Mamma was in the stars. They are such a far way up. I don't think I could climb the highest tree and reach 'em. Tonight, I'll ask my brother if my Mamma is there with his too.

REFLECTIONS

The day's getting long. I'll be home soon. Don't come this way much any more. This valley is so full of memories. From these hills I can see the lake and my land, stretching to the horizon as if it stretched the length and breadth of the entire earth. There's the cabin. It's still in good shape. I know the boys come up here sometimes, stay a while, and make sure it's maintained. Each of us has a piece of our heart here. Even my youngest. He often likes to listen to stories of our early days. Sometimes I think he's sad he missed the adventure of our hard journey west. Sun's getting low, casting shadows, hues of blood red, rose and indigo. How I love this land.

Riders coming. I know them well. There's no mistaking the way they set a horse, with their tall, proud bodies straight in the saddle. I've missed them all. They've become men, good, brave, honest men.

The oldest, he's still serious and reserved. Though there's a sense of jollity and adventure lurking within that he lets me see on occasion. Sometimes I know he longs to stretch his wings and fly away from home, yet something keeps him here with me, with us. Perhaps it's the lure of this little cabin, the first home he ever knew.

The middle boy, he's as stocky and as strong as the tallest pine. He's fun, full of humor, compassion and love. There's not a creature on this earth afraid of him, yet he has the strength of ten men. He's the heart of my family. I know he'll never leave. He'll be here always.

My youngest is impetuous, headstrong and volatile. Yet he's a court jester, a source of constant worry and delight both. He makes life unpredictable and rich. Will he leave here? Somehow I think not. He's as drawn to this land as any one of us. This land has a way of getting under your skin and keeping you grounded. He has that within him.

We'll always be here - our souls will be in the wind, our hearts will be in the trees, in the earth, in the soft summer rains and white snows of winter. All this bonds us: our past, our present and our future. Friendship, love and the common goals to help our fellow man and preserve our small piece of the earth bond us. But most of all, one thing binds us together and allows us to be strong, united and a true family.

Our home, The Ponderosa.