Mystical Babe Sexy Ryoko
This is a Fic made in 1998 form a frined. I just happen to ask if i can take over from this.
If you like it and I get more the five Reviews telling me to do so i will till then enjoy!
by: Bob T. Mi-go
Tenchi, Ryoko, Aeka etc are the property of AIC and Pioneer. Star
Wars and Darth Vader are the property of... I don't know, ask a
Star Wars fan, there are enough of them. No claim on these titles
and characters is intended nor should be inferred.
The title "Mystical Babe Sexy Ryoko" was dreamed up by Ty Kalos,
aka Huw Jones, a loyal member of the Ryoko Forever Fan Club; this
entire piece of silliness grew out of that moment of inspiration.
Thanks, Huw!
This story is Copyright (C) 1998, Robert J. Cannard. Permission
is granted to distribute freely, provided the entire document is
distributed whole and unchanged, and no charge is levied (that
is, don't change it and don't sell it).
Comment & criticism should be sent to bobtmigo@teleport.com.
MSTings of this story are absolutely forbidden unless the result
is funnier than the original, which shouldn't be hard.
The original HTML version of this story can be found at:
http://www.teleport.com/~bobtmigo/mbsr/
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Tenchi looked up. He smiled, his eyes sparkling with happiness.
"Ryoko! What are you doing here? I thought..."
"Shh, Tenchi. This is our one chance to be together for a while.
If we're quiet, no-one will disturb us." Ryoko floated down into
Tenchi's outstretched arms. She was quite naked, but instead of
his usual embarrassment, Tenchi only showed happiness and love.
He embraced her, and their lips slowly approached...
"Ryoko! Leave Tenchi alone this instant!" The horrible voice,
like fingernails on a blackboard, came out of nowhere. From the
darkness the horrible monster Aeka - complete with fangs, hair
that formed itself into long slimy tentacles, and demonic red
eyes - approached the couple.
Tenchi cowered. "Help me, Ryoko! Protect me from that creature!"
"Fear not, my love, I will not allow the monster-princess near
you!" Something about that term jogged Ryoko's memory but she
couldn't quite put her finger on it. "Er, whatever. Stay behind
me and I'll protect you!" She pulled a gigantic school desk out
of nowhere and smashed it over the monster's head.
The unspeakable beast groaned in its death-throes, yet from the
distance Ryoko could still hear its soul-wrenching laughter. "Oh
ho ho ho! You've done it this time, Ryoko! Ryoko! RYOKO!"
The dream faded.
--------------
The principal looked out of his office window, his foot tapping
the floor with irritation. "Ryoko. How many times have you fallen
asleep in class now?"
Ryoko stared at her fingers in shame. "Erm, well, only three
times..."
"Only three times this morning, SIR!" he bellowed, the force of
his voice knocking Ryoko six feet backwards. "And smashing your
desk over the teacher's head when she tried to wake you up..."
"Ah, yes, sir, sorry about that, I thought..."
"I don't want to hear it! Misaki is one of my best teachers, and
if there's any permanent injury... Not to mention the cost of
replacing your desk."
"Miss Misaki does have quite a thick skull..."
"NOT AS THICK AS A CERTAIN SCHOOLGIRL!"
"Yes, sir."
"Ryoko, for the rest of the day you will stand in the corridor
with a bucket of sand on your head as punishment. Tomorrow we
will decide what is to be done with you. Dismissed!"
"Yes, sir." She scooted.
--------------
Ryoko yawned and sighed. She wasn't sure what was worst, the
weight of the bucket, the sand that dribbled into her hair (her
beloved classmates having taken great pleasure in over-filling
the bucket for her), or having to endure head girl Aeka's taunts
during recess.
Far away, Mihoshi watched Ryoko's image on a complicated monitor.
"Are you sure this is the one? She doesn't seem very, well, you
know, suitable."
Washu smiled. "You know how long we have been conducting this
search. According to the computer, this girl is a 99.98% match to
the Mystical Babe."
"Wow. The previous best was only 87%."
"Right, wow. Mihoshi, we've found our champion! Now we can take
control of the Mystic Empire! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"
"Don't you mean Magic Kingdom?"
Washu looked stern. "I'm over twenty thousand years old, Mihoshi.
I stopped believing in magic aeons ago."
"Yes, Washu." Just nod and agree with her. "Er, Washu..."
"Yes, Mihoshi?"
"She's fallen asleep again."
--------------
Ryoko walked sullenly home. She had planned on accompanying that
nice boy Tenchi, but the principal had added an extra hour for
falling asleep during her punishment. Everyone else in the school
had long since gone.
Turning into the dark, narrow alley that was her favourite short
cut, she saw a commotion ahead. Half a dozen youths were laughing
and shouting. Moving closer, Ryoko saw that they had cornered a
cat and were tormenting it. Alright, she thought gleefully. "Hey,
how about picking on someone your own size?"
"Look, it's a goil!" one of the youths shouted. In moments, the
gang surrounded her. Forgetting the cat, they brushed off their
best cliched dialog. "Hello sweetheart, fancy doing some tea,
heh-heh?"
"Nah, I'm more into ball games," she said, swiftly applying her
boot to a sensitive spot. Ryoko became a blur of movement and one
by one the thugs went down with bloodied noses, extreme
bellyaches, and other less mentionable injuries. Finishing off
the last one, she looked at her watch. "Thirteen seconds. I'm
going to have to find myself a new alley, this one's played out.
Aa-chooo!"
The cat was rubbing against her ankle. "Myaa?"
"You little... I'm allergic to cats (aa-choo), dammit! Now git!"
The little pest brrped and wound itself around her ankles in that
annoying fashion that all cats have when they know you need to go
somewhere. Well, almost. This one didn't quite move like a normal
cat.
--------------
Ryoko collapsed onto her front doorstep. In the distance she
could see the smoke and glow of fires marking the trail of
destruction caused by her abortive flight from the pesky cat. But
now she was exhausted, and when the victorious moggy jumped onto
her lap, she lacked the energy to push it off. Ryoko sneezed.
The infuriating creature gazed up at her with its enormous, pale
blue eyes. Ryoko was amazed by its look of intelligence... no,
that wasn't quite the right word. Stupidity. Yes, that was it.
Its look of total stupidity.
The cat brrped and rubbed its head against her belly.
"Oh, all right, I give up. I'll give you something to eat if you
promise to go away, okay? Aa-choo!" (Cat lovers should recognise
that this incarnation of Ryoko does not understand moggies.)
The cat cheerfully bounded after her as Ryoko entered her home
and headed for the kitchen. As usual, her parents were both out.
Her mother had left a note on the kitchen table. "Dear Ryoko, had
to go to the opera, don't wait up for us. There's some instant
ramen in the top cupboard. Luv Mumsie." Scowling, she filled a
saucepan with water and put it on the stove to boil. "Gee, thanks
mom. That sure is a great way to feed your kid. And when did you
get enough money to afford to go to the opera, anyway? If it
comes to that, I thought you didn't even like it?" She noticed
that the cat was watching her intently.
"So, watcha want? Do you like ramen?" The cat shifted its
attention to the pot. "What kind of cat are you, anyway? Never
seen one like you before..."
It had a thick coat of pale, golden yellow fur, round blue eyes,
huge floppy ears, a bunny tail, and an odd crab-like mark on its
forehead. Suddenly it jumped up onto the table and ran towards
the stove. Ryoko panicked. "Hey, you stay away from there, that's
hot!" In her haste to keep the cat away from the stove, she
knocked over the saucepan and they were both drenched in almost
boiling water.
The cat vanished; in its place stood Mihoshi. "Oh wow, thank
you," she said. "I thought I was going to be stuck like that for,
like, forever. And thanks for rescuing me from those boys. Er,
are you okay?"
"Okay? Yeah, I'm just tickety-boo. I've only been scalded with
boiling-hot water and... hey, where the devil did you come from?"
"Me? Ah... where did I come from... let me see... well, my mum
said she found me behind a gooseberry bush, and my dad said I was
brought by an ill wind, at least I think that's what he said
although I don't see how a wind could get sick but I can't ask
him because it's a long time since I've seen him because he had
to go away after that time I blew up the planetary fusion reactor
but it was really an accident you see and..."
"Never mind," Ryoko interrupted. "Just tell me what you want with
me."
Ryoko stared as the blond apparition rummaged through her
mountain of hair, pulling out teddy bears, small cannons,
half-drunk cups of coffee, a hat in the form of a small pagoda
containing a live squirrel, and many other things. "What exactly
are you looking for?"
"Erm. I know it's here somewhere... here it is!" Mihoshi proudly
held a cylindrical object. "This is your Mystic Baton."
Ryoko took it. "Looks like a vibrator to me."
"What? Oops, wrong one! How embarrassing! I wonder what that
could be doing there? Ah, here it is, the Baton of the Mystical
Babe."
They exchanged gadgets. The new one didn't look all that
different from the vibrator if the truth were known, but Ryoko
decided not to say anything.
Mihoshi smiled vacantly. "Well, I guess you're probably wondering
what this is all about, aren't you?"
"The thought had occurred to me," Ryoko said, putting a fresh pan
of water onto the heat.
"I'm so glad you asked!" Mihoshi beamed. (Ryoko was beginning to
wish she hadn't.) "Well, you see, long, long ago, in a galaxy
far, far away..."
"Wasn't that Star Wars?"
"Eh? Oh, please don't interrupt, this is my story after all!"
Mihoshi closed her eyes, concentrating on the cover story that
Washu had drummed into her little head. "Long, long ago, in a
galaxy far far away, there was a war in the Mystic Empire. Before
then it had been a place of sweetness and light, where no-one
went hungry, income tax was less than 3%, and everyone lived
together in peace and happiness; the lion lay down with the lamb,
black lived in harmony with white, the ozone layer was unharmed,
even the rain was nice and warm... what are you doing?"
"Sticking my finger down my throat."
--------------
Queen Tsunami sipped her tea and sulked.
"I told you this would happen, didn't I?" Ramia gloated. She was
annoyed that her kid brother had run off with that little wench
Misao, but finding that Sasami and Ryo-Ohki had also eloped more
than made up for it. "You're going to have to watch your back
now, you know. Without your champion, you'll have lost much of
the support of the Priesthood."
"You're right as usual, Ramia," Tsunami said. "What are we going
to do? If Romio returns now, who will defend the Magic Kingdom?"
"Romio? I don't think you need worry about her, she's too busy
conquering the satellites of Jupiter. Told me she had the idea
from some silly animated show, I think she called it Gekiganger
or something. No, you have a much bigger problem than that to
worry about!"
"You don't mean..."
"Yes!"
"It couldn't be. Not now. It's been too long."
"Believe it!"
"I don't believe it. It's not possible. Not after..."
"Oh, yes. Be sure of it. Ha ha ha!" Ramia danced gleefully out of
the throne room. She was so happy that she forgot to phase
through the wall and smashed a neat Ramia-shaped hole through it.
"I wonder what she was talking about?" Tsunami mused, sipping her
tea.
--------------
Ryoko had pinned Mihoshi against the wall. "You're seriously
expecting me to believe that I, Little Miss Nobody from the wrong
side of the tracks, am the chosen champion of the true Queen of
the Mystic Empire, and that in her name I have to right wrongs,
defend the weak, battle evildoers, and generally be an all-round
do-gooder, so that this Queen Washup..."
"Washu."
"Whatever. All so that Queen Washout can restore the Mystic
Empire and rescue the poor souls suffering under the oppression
of the Magic Kingdom?"
"Um, yep, that's about it."
Ryoko howled with laughter. "Oh man, did you come to the wrong
place, sister! This is too funny!"
"I have faith in you, Ryoko. You are the Mystical Babe. You'll
see, when the time comes."
"Yeah, right. And all I have to do is wave this dildo-thing..."
"It's a baton."
"Wave this vibrator-thing 3 times and chant 'By Kekko and by
Kamen, grant me the power that is rightfully mine' and I'll
mysteriously turn into this Magical Boob?"
"Mystical Babe. That's right."
"You're crazy, but at least you make me laugh. Here, have some
noodles and tell me about the deal with the cat."
"Well, you see, when Queen Washu sent me here, she said I had to
stay in disguise because if the agents of the Magic Kingdom saw
me, they'd know what was going on. Well, she set up this amazing
hyperdimensional light-beam transmogrifier thingy..."
"Trans-moggy-fier?"
"Trans-mog-ri-fier. Will you please be quiet? Anyway, it could
make me look like almost anything I wanted to be, but when I
arrived I found that the coordinates on my teleporter were set
wrong..."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Ryoko muttered.
"... and I fell into this pool of water. The thingy broke, and I
crawled out feeling funny. Washu had to rescue me. I was
terrified that she was going to punish me for breaking the thingy
but she didn't, she just said that's okay with a funny look in
her eye. Then she stamped her crab-mark on my forehead.
Afterwards, we learned that it was the Pool of Drowned Cabbit.
Very sad story."
Ryoko groaned. "Terrific. So you can't go out unless you're a
cat..."
"Cabbit, actually."
"Whatever. And you can't talk to me unless you're human. What
happens if I need some advice?"
"No problem. I have this... erm..." Mihoshi rummaged through her
hair again, and after the usual pile of debris extracted a cat
collar. She handed it to Ryoko.
"Oh, goody, so at least you're not going to get lost." More's the
pity. She looked at the tag on the collar. "Miho-Ohki? What kind
of stupid name is that?"
Mihoshi flushed. "Anyway, that contains a tiny computer that can
translate cabbit-talk into human-talk. It's not very loud, but
it's really good. Washu made it."
--------------
The next morning, Tenchi picked up his briefcase and was just
about to leave for school when someone came to the door. He
opened it to be greeted by Aeka's smiling face.
"Good morning, Tenchi. I was wondering if... if you would walk to
school with me."
Wow, Tenchi thought. Aeka never walks to school. Why should she,
when she has a chauffered Rolls-Royce at her disposal? He
collected his thoughts. "Well, certainly, Miss Aeka. I'd be
delighted."
Aeka smiled happily. "I've got you this time, Ryoko!" she thought.
"Beat this!" Putting her thoughts aside, she walked behind Tenchi,
her eyes demurely downcast.
Tenchi wondered what was going on. For some reason he had
intended to walk home with that troublemaker Ryoko the previous
evening. Well, she does seem to like me, he thought. Admittedly,
she had hauled him to the top of a tree and threatened to drop
him if he didn't agree to walk her home.
In any case, he'd waited for her outside the school gate but she
hadn't turned up, and then Aeka's car had come by. She'd told him
that Ryoko wouldn't be coming because of some trouble, and would
he like a ride home? He had been a little bothered by the strange
gleam in Aeka's eye, but he would have been a fool to have turned
down such an offer from the school's most eligible female
student.
--------------
Ramia cackled. Thanks to the extra players in the game, it was
going to be just too easy to de-throne Tsunami and regain her
rightful place. The absence of Rumiya and Misao was, indeed, a
nuisance because it meant she had to do the dirty work herself,
but at least it would be done right. Pixy Misa had always been a
bit of a flake.
She teleported down to a shady corner, startling four toughs who
were having a quick smoke before school. Her eyes glowed and the
youths stopped thinking.
--------------
"Be serious. You can't just wander into the school with me!"
Ryoko was beginning to wonder if Mihoshi was really a cabbit who
had fallen into the Pool of Drowned Human. Her brain seemed to be
about the right size.
"Don't worry about it," came the somewhat mechanical sound of
Miho-Ohki's translator. "No-one will notice. They never do in
this kind of story."
Turning a corner, they encountered Tenchi and Aeka. "Oh, Tenchi
darling! Good morning!" Ryoko immediately rushed up to him,
elbowing Aeka out of the way. "I'm sorry I couldn't walk home
with you last night, Tenchi. Did you miss me?"
"Ah, well, actually..." Tenchi stammered.
Aeka had picked herself up and returned to the fray. "Actually, I
took him home, since you broke your agreement. As one would only
expect from trash like you," she said, relishing the opportunity
to gloat.
"Well, well, if it isn't Little Miss Snooty come to steal my man
from me. Hey dear, take a peek in a mirror, there's something
wrong with your nose."
"Wh-what? But my nose is perfect..." Aeka dug in her purse for
her beautiful, engraved, solid gold compact. "What's wrong with
my nose?"
"IT'S NOT BROKEN!" Ryoko yelled, hammering Aeka through the
nearest wall. "Well, that takes care of her. Now then, Tenchi
dear..."
But Tenchi had taken the opportunity to scarper and was already
halfway to school. In his place were Ramia's four zombies,
closing in on Ryoko. Everyone else had made themselves scarce
when the zombies first appeared.
Ryoko scowled, then executed a beautiful flying roundhouse kick
that landed square on the side of the nearest attacker's head. At
the same time she landed a magnificent sucker-punch in the belly
of another zombie. Neither of the struck youths seemed to be
affected in the slightest; they just absorbed the blows and
continued lumbering towards her, arms outstretched, eyes glazed,
mouths drooling.
"Miyaa! Miyaa!" Miho-ohki threw the Mystical Baton to Ryoko, who
caught it and in one fluid movement smashed the nearest zombie
over the head with it. Miho-Ohki leaped up and down, myaa'ing
frantically.
"Shut up, Miho-Ohki! Can't you see I'm..." (she landed another
perfect double-handed wallop right in the small of the back of
one of the zombies; he should have gone down with a broken spine
but instead just carried on as if she'd tickled him with a
feather) "... busy?"
Miho-Ohki ran closer, miyaaing and waving her paws all over the
place. Somehow she managed to do both at the same time without
falling on her face.
She's nuts, Ryoko thought. Oh, what the heck, she probably wants
me to do that transform thing. Well, it can't hurt to try. Just
pretend it's a battle-shout. "By Kekko!" she yelled, waving - or
more precisely, swinging - the baton in an arc that ended in the
side of one zombie's head. It did no damage at all. "And by
Kamen!" The second swing landed in a zombie's belly. "Grant me
the power -" The third struck a shoulder and was ignored like all
the other blows. "That is rightfully mine!"
Ryoko was about to bring the baton down for another completely
useless blow, but something felt strange. There was a lightness
all around her. Time stopped as she twirled around. Her clothes
faded into nothing. "The transformation! It's real!" She'd seen
magical girl shows and knew that they often had a nude scene in
the middle of the transformation sequence. She executed a perfect
back-flip, her enhanced agility astonishing her, and continued
pirouetting, waiting to see what her magical girl costume would
look like.
Nothing happened.
Ryoko stood in the middle of the street, completely starkers,
wondering what to do next.
All four zombies turned towards her, the light of humanity
returning to their eyes. One by one they fell to their knees and
began to whistle and applaud.
To one side, Miho-Ohki looked on in satisfaction. "Yes! The spell
is broken. She truly is the Mystical Babe Sexy Ryoko!"
Standing atop a flagpole high above, Ramia looked down and
cursed. "Impossible! No-one can break my spells so easily!" Deep
in thought, she teleported back to the Magic Kingdom.
Back on the ground, Ryoko turned angry eyes upon a new target.
"Miho-Ohki, where the hell are my clothes?"
"Myaaaaa..."
Ryoko picked up the flustered cabbit. "Well?"
"Ah-ha, I forgot..." came the voice from the translator-collar.
"Forgot what? Aa-choo!"
"Would you please not do that? I'm a long-haired cabbit, and
sneezing over me will mat my fur..."
"SHADDUP! I want an explanation!"
"Okay, okay! Erm... There was something else I was supposed to
give you... some gems that complete the transformation and give
you your full powers... they can also turn you back to normal..."
"Fine. Do you think you could give them to me now, please?"
Ryoko's voice could have condensed helium.
"I... er... I think I left them at your house..."
Ryoko glowered as well as she could with a runny nose. "That does
it! Miho-Ohki, it's cabbit stew time!"
For most of the rest of the morning, the townsfolk were treated
to the sight of the school's notorious bad girl (still in a state
of undress) chasing a terrified cabbit all over the town,
apparently with intent to kill or at least severely maim.
--------------
Tsunami was confused. The Balance of Darkness and Light had
tilted four notches to the left, the side of Light. When the
balance tilted to the right, the side of Darkness, it was her
duty to send in her champion to right wrongs and restore the
balance. But for it to tilt the other way? Did this mean she
would have to... no, she mustn't contemplate such a horrible
possibility. She turned, and saw the poster that Ramia's kid
brother, Rumiya, had pasted on the wall. The masked face of Darth
Vader caught her eye.
"Must this happen?" Tsunami thought. "To defend the Balance, must
I turn to the dark side?"
She opened her viewing scroll and directed it to the area from
which the light energy had emanated. Of course, now it was too
late; Ryoko and all the spectators had long since left. Only Aeka
remained, pulling herself out of the rubble of the wall, a look
of great anger on her face.
Tsunami stared at the face of the schoolgirl. Then at Darth
Vader. Back at Aeka. In her mind the two faces merged into one
frightening visage.
"Yes. She is the one. She will be my new Dark Champion..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
To be continued... if I dare!
This is a Fic made in 1998 form a frined. I just happen to ask if i can take over from this.
If you like it and I get more the five Reviews telling me to do so i will till then enjoy!
by: Bob T. Mi-go
Tenchi, Ryoko, Aeka etc are the property of AIC and Pioneer. Star
Wars and Darth Vader are the property of... I don't know, ask a
Star Wars fan, there are enough of them. No claim on these titles
and characters is intended nor should be inferred.
The title "Mystical Babe Sexy Ryoko" was dreamed up by Ty Kalos,
aka Huw Jones, a loyal member of the Ryoko Forever Fan Club; this
entire piece of silliness grew out of that moment of inspiration.
Thanks, Huw!
This story is Copyright (C) 1998, Robert J. Cannard. Permission
is granted to distribute freely, provided the entire document is
distributed whole and unchanged, and no charge is levied (that
is, don't change it and don't sell it).
Comment & criticism should be sent to bobtmigo@teleport.com.
MSTings of this story are absolutely forbidden unless the result
is funnier than the original, which shouldn't be hard.
The original HTML version of this story can be found at:
http://www.teleport.com/~bobtmigo/mbsr/
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Tenchi looked up. He smiled, his eyes sparkling with happiness.
"Ryoko! What are you doing here? I thought..."
"Shh, Tenchi. This is our one chance to be together for a while.
If we're quiet, no-one will disturb us." Ryoko floated down into
Tenchi's outstretched arms. She was quite naked, but instead of
his usual embarrassment, Tenchi only showed happiness and love.
He embraced her, and their lips slowly approached...
"Ryoko! Leave Tenchi alone this instant!" The horrible voice,
like fingernails on a blackboard, came out of nowhere. From the
darkness the horrible monster Aeka - complete with fangs, hair
that formed itself into long slimy tentacles, and demonic red
eyes - approached the couple.
Tenchi cowered. "Help me, Ryoko! Protect me from that creature!"
"Fear not, my love, I will not allow the monster-princess near
you!" Something about that term jogged Ryoko's memory but she
couldn't quite put her finger on it. "Er, whatever. Stay behind
me and I'll protect you!" She pulled a gigantic school desk out
of nowhere and smashed it over the monster's head.
The unspeakable beast groaned in its death-throes, yet from the
distance Ryoko could still hear its soul-wrenching laughter. "Oh
ho ho ho! You've done it this time, Ryoko! Ryoko! RYOKO!"
The dream faded.
--------------
The principal looked out of his office window, his foot tapping
the floor with irritation. "Ryoko. How many times have you fallen
asleep in class now?"
Ryoko stared at her fingers in shame. "Erm, well, only three
times..."
"Only three times this morning, SIR!" he bellowed, the force of
his voice knocking Ryoko six feet backwards. "And smashing your
desk over the teacher's head when she tried to wake you up..."
"Ah, yes, sir, sorry about that, I thought..."
"I don't want to hear it! Misaki is one of my best teachers, and
if there's any permanent injury... Not to mention the cost of
replacing your desk."
"Miss Misaki does have quite a thick skull..."
"NOT AS THICK AS A CERTAIN SCHOOLGIRL!"
"Yes, sir."
"Ryoko, for the rest of the day you will stand in the corridor
with a bucket of sand on your head as punishment. Tomorrow we
will decide what is to be done with you. Dismissed!"
"Yes, sir." She scooted.
--------------
Ryoko yawned and sighed. She wasn't sure what was worst, the
weight of the bucket, the sand that dribbled into her hair (her
beloved classmates having taken great pleasure in over-filling
the bucket for her), or having to endure head girl Aeka's taunts
during recess.
Far away, Mihoshi watched Ryoko's image on a complicated monitor.
"Are you sure this is the one? She doesn't seem very, well, you
know, suitable."
Washu smiled. "You know how long we have been conducting this
search. According to the computer, this girl is a 99.98% match to
the Mystical Babe."
"Wow. The previous best was only 87%."
"Right, wow. Mihoshi, we've found our champion! Now we can take
control of the Mystic Empire! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"
"Don't you mean Magic Kingdom?"
Washu looked stern. "I'm over twenty thousand years old, Mihoshi.
I stopped believing in magic aeons ago."
"Yes, Washu." Just nod and agree with her. "Er, Washu..."
"Yes, Mihoshi?"
"She's fallen asleep again."
--------------
Ryoko walked sullenly home. She had planned on accompanying that
nice boy Tenchi, but the principal had added an extra hour for
falling asleep during her punishment. Everyone else in the school
had long since gone.
Turning into the dark, narrow alley that was her favourite short
cut, she saw a commotion ahead. Half a dozen youths were laughing
and shouting. Moving closer, Ryoko saw that they had cornered a
cat and were tormenting it. Alright, she thought gleefully. "Hey,
how about picking on someone your own size?"
"Look, it's a goil!" one of the youths shouted. In moments, the
gang surrounded her. Forgetting the cat, they brushed off their
best cliched dialog. "Hello sweetheart, fancy doing some tea,
heh-heh?"
"Nah, I'm more into ball games," she said, swiftly applying her
boot to a sensitive spot. Ryoko became a blur of movement and one
by one the thugs went down with bloodied noses, extreme
bellyaches, and other less mentionable injuries. Finishing off
the last one, she looked at her watch. "Thirteen seconds. I'm
going to have to find myself a new alley, this one's played out.
Aa-chooo!"
The cat was rubbing against her ankle. "Myaa?"
"You little... I'm allergic to cats (aa-choo), dammit! Now git!"
The little pest brrped and wound itself around her ankles in that
annoying fashion that all cats have when they know you need to go
somewhere. Well, almost. This one didn't quite move like a normal
cat.
--------------
Ryoko collapsed onto her front doorstep. In the distance she
could see the smoke and glow of fires marking the trail of
destruction caused by her abortive flight from the pesky cat. But
now she was exhausted, and when the victorious moggy jumped onto
her lap, she lacked the energy to push it off. Ryoko sneezed.
The infuriating creature gazed up at her with its enormous, pale
blue eyes. Ryoko was amazed by its look of intelligence... no,
that wasn't quite the right word. Stupidity. Yes, that was it.
Its look of total stupidity.
The cat brrped and rubbed its head against her belly.
"Oh, all right, I give up. I'll give you something to eat if you
promise to go away, okay? Aa-choo!" (Cat lovers should recognise
that this incarnation of Ryoko does not understand moggies.)
The cat cheerfully bounded after her as Ryoko entered her home
and headed for the kitchen. As usual, her parents were both out.
Her mother had left a note on the kitchen table. "Dear Ryoko, had
to go to the opera, don't wait up for us. There's some instant
ramen in the top cupboard. Luv Mumsie." Scowling, she filled a
saucepan with water and put it on the stove to boil. "Gee, thanks
mom. That sure is a great way to feed your kid. And when did you
get enough money to afford to go to the opera, anyway? If it
comes to that, I thought you didn't even like it?" She noticed
that the cat was watching her intently.
"So, watcha want? Do you like ramen?" The cat shifted its
attention to the pot. "What kind of cat are you, anyway? Never
seen one like you before..."
It had a thick coat of pale, golden yellow fur, round blue eyes,
huge floppy ears, a bunny tail, and an odd crab-like mark on its
forehead. Suddenly it jumped up onto the table and ran towards
the stove. Ryoko panicked. "Hey, you stay away from there, that's
hot!" In her haste to keep the cat away from the stove, she
knocked over the saucepan and they were both drenched in almost
boiling water.
The cat vanished; in its place stood Mihoshi. "Oh wow, thank
you," she said. "I thought I was going to be stuck like that for,
like, forever. And thanks for rescuing me from those boys. Er,
are you okay?"
"Okay? Yeah, I'm just tickety-boo. I've only been scalded with
boiling-hot water and... hey, where the devil did you come from?"
"Me? Ah... where did I come from... let me see... well, my mum
said she found me behind a gooseberry bush, and my dad said I was
brought by an ill wind, at least I think that's what he said
although I don't see how a wind could get sick but I can't ask
him because it's a long time since I've seen him because he had
to go away after that time I blew up the planetary fusion reactor
but it was really an accident you see and..."
"Never mind," Ryoko interrupted. "Just tell me what you want with
me."
Ryoko stared as the blond apparition rummaged through her
mountain of hair, pulling out teddy bears, small cannons,
half-drunk cups of coffee, a hat in the form of a small pagoda
containing a live squirrel, and many other things. "What exactly
are you looking for?"
"Erm. I know it's here somewhere... here it is!" Mihoshi proudly
held a cylindrical object. "This is your Mystic Baton."
Ryoko took it. "Looks like a vibrator to me."
"What? Oops, wrong one! How embarrassing! I wonder what that
could be doing there? Ah, here it is, the Baton of the Mystical
Babe."
They exchanged gadgets. The new one didn't look all that
different from the vibrator if the truth were known, but Ryoko
decided not to say anything.
Mihoshi smiled vacantly. "Well, I guess you're probably wondering
what this is all about, aren't you?"
"The thought had occurred to me," Ryoko said, putting a fresh pan
of water onto the heat.
"I'm so glad you asked!" Mihoshi beamed. (Ryoko was beginning to
wish she hadn't.) "Well, you see, long, long ago, in a galaxy
far, far away..."
"Wasn't that Star Wars?"
"Eh? Oh, please don't interrupt, this is my story after all!"
Mihoshi closed her eyes, concentrating on the cover story that
Washu had drummed into her little head. "Long, long ago, in a
galaxy far far away, there was a war in the Mystic Empire. Before
then it had been a place of sweetness and light, where no-one
went hungry, income tax was less than 3%, and everyone lived
together in peace and happiness; the lion lay down with the lamb,
black lived in harmony with white, the ozone layer was unharmed,
even the rain was nice and warm... what are you doing?"
"Sticking my finger down my throat."
--------------
Queen Tsunami sipped her tea and sulked.
"I told you this would happen, didn't I?" Ramia gloated. She was
annoyed that her kid brother had run off with that little wench
Misao, but finding that Sasami and Ryo-Ohki had also eloped more
than made up for it. "You're going to have to watch your back
now, you know. Without your champion, you'll have lost much of
the support of the Priesthood."
"You're right as usual, Ramia," Tsunami said. "What are we going
to do? If Romio returns now, who will defend the Magic Kingdom?"
"Romio? I don't think you need worry about her, she's too busy
conquering the satellites of Jupiter. Told me she had the idea
from some silly animated show, I think she called it Gekiganger
or something. No, you have a much bigger problem than that to
worry about!"
"You don't mean..."
"Yes!"
"It couldn't be. Not now. It's been too long."
"Believe it!"
"I don't believe it. It's not possible. Not after..."
"Oh, yes. Be sure of it. Ha ha ha!" Ramia danced gleefully out of
the throne room. She was so happy that she forgot to phase
through the wall and smashed a neat Ramia-shaped hole through it.
"I wonder what she was talking about?" Tsunami mused, sipping her
tea.
--------------
Ryoko had pinned Mihoshi against the wall. "You're seriously
expecting me to believe that I, Little Miss Nobody from the wrong
side of the tracks, am the chosen champion of the true Queen of
the Mystic Empire, and that in her name I have to right wrongs,
defend the weak, battle evildoers, and generally be an all-round
do-gooder, so that this Queen Washup..."
"Washu."
"Whatever. All so that Queen Washout can restore the Mystic
Empire and rescue the poor souls suffering under the oppression
of the Magic Kingdom?"
"Um, yep, that's about it."
Ryoko howled with laughter. "Oh man, did you come to the wrong
place, sister! This is too funny!"
"I have faith in you, Ryoko. You are the Mystical Babe. You'll
see, when the time comes."
"Yeah, right. And all I have to do is wave this dildo-thing..."
"It's a baton."
"Wave this vibrator-thing 3 times and chant 'By Kekko and by
Kamen, grant me the power that is rightfully mine' and I'll
mysteriously turn into this Magical Boob?"
"Mystical Babe. That's right."
"You're crazy, but at least you make me laugh. Here, have some
noodles and tell me about the deal with the cat."
"Well, you see, when Queen Washu sent me here, she said I had to
stay in disguise because if the agents of the Magic Kingdom saw
me, they'd know what was going on. Well, she set up this amazing
hyperdimensional light-beam transmogrifier thingy..."
"Trans-moggy-fier?"
"Trans-mog-ri-fier. Will you please be quiet? Anyway, it could
make me look like almost anything I wanted to be, but when I
arrived I found that the coordinates on my teleporter were set
wrong..."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Ryoko muttered.
"... and I fell into this pool of water. The thingy broke, and I
crawled out feeling funny. Washu had to rescue me. I was
terrified that she was going to punish me for breaking the thingy
but she didn't, she just said that's okay with a funny look in
her eye. Then she stamped her crab-mark on my forehead.
Afterwards, we learned that it was the Pool of Drowned Cabbit.
Very sad story."
Ryoko groaned. "Terrific. So you can't go out unless you're a
cat..."
"Cabbit, actually."
"Whatever. And you can't talk to me unless you're human. What
happens if I need some advice?"
"No problem. I have this... erm..." Mihoshi rummaged through her
hair again, and after the usual pile of debris extracted a cat
collar. She handed it to Ryoko.
"Oh, goody, so at least you're not going to get lost." More's the
pity. She looked at the tag on the collar. "Miho-Ohki? What kind
of stupid name is that?"
Mihoshi flushed. "Anyway, that contains a tiny computer that can
translate cabbit-talk into human-talk. It's not very loud, but
it's really good. Washu made it."
--------------
The next morning, Tenchi picked up his briefcase and was just
about to leave for school when someone came to the door. He
opened it to be greeted by Aeka's smiling face.
"Good morning, Tenchi. I was wondering if... if you would walk to
school with me."
Wow, Tenchi thought. Aeka never walks to school. Why should she,
when she has a chauffered Rolls-Royce at her disposal? He
collected his thoughts. "Well, certainly, Miss Aeka. I'd be
delighted."
Aeka smiled happily. "I've got you this time, Ryoko!" she thought.
"Beat this!" Putting her thoughts aside, she walked behind Tenchi,
her eyes demurely downcast.
Tenchi wondered what was going on. For some reason he had
intended to walk home with that troublemaker Ryoko the previous
evening. Well, she does seem to like me, he thought. Admittedly,
she had hauled him to the top of a tree and threatened to drop
him if he didn't agree to walk her home.
In any case, he'd waited for her outside the school gate but she
hadn't turned up, and then Aeka's car had come by. She'd told him
that Ryoko wouldn't be coming because of some trouble, and would
he like a ride home? He had been a little bothered by the strange
gleam in Aeka's eye, but he would have been a fool to have turned
down such an offer from the school's most eligible female
student.
--------------
Ramia cackled. Thanks to the extra players in the game, it was
going to be just too easy to de-throne Tsunami and regain her
rightful place. The absence of Rumiya and Misao was, indeed, a
nuisance because it meant she had to do the dirty work herself,
but at least it would be done right. Pixy Misa had always been a
bit of a flake.
She teleported down to a shady corner, startling four toughs who
were having a quick smoke before school. Her eyes glowed and the
youths stopped thinking.
--------------
"Be serious. You can't just wander into the school with me!"
Ryoko was beginning to wonder if Mihoshi was really a cabbit who
had fallen into the Pool of Drowned Human. Her brain seemed to be
about the right size.
"Don't worry about it," came the somewhat mechanical sound of
Miho-Ohki's translator. "No-one will notice. They never do in
this kind of story."
Turning a corner, they encountered Tenchi and Aeka. "Oh, Tenchi
darling! Good morning!" Ryoko immediately rushed up to him,
elbowing Aeka out of the way. "I'm sorry I couldn't walk home
with you last night, Tenchi. Did you miss me?"
"Ah, well, actually..." Tenchi stammered.
Aeka had picked herself up and returned to the fray. "Actually, I
took him home, since you broke your agreement. As one would only
expect from trash like you," she said, relishing the opportunity
to gloat.
"Well, well, if it isn't Little Miss Snooty come to steal my man
from me. Hey dear, take a peek in a mirror, there's something
wrong with your nose."
"Wh-what? But my nose is perfect..." Aeka dug in her purse for
her beautiful, engraved, solid gold compact. "What's wrong with
my nose?"
"IT'S NOT BROKEN!" Ryoko yelled, hammering Aeka through the
nearest wall. "Well, that takes care of her. Now then, Tenchi
dear..."
But Tenchi had taken the opportunity to scarper and was already
halfway to school. In his place were Ramia's four zombies,
closing in on Ryoko. Everyone else had made themselves scarce
when the zombies first appeared.
Ryoko scowled, then executed a beautiful flying roundhouse kick
that landed square on the side of the nearest attacker's head. At
the same time she landed a magnificent sucker-punch in the belly
of another zombie. Neither of the struck youths seemed to be
affected in the slightest; they just absorbed the blows and
continued lumbering towards her, arms outstretched, eyes glazed,
mouths drooling.
"Miyaa! Miyaa!" Miho-ohki threw the Mystical Baton to Ryoko, who
caught it and in one fluid movement smashed the nearest zombie
over the head with it. Miho-Ohki leaped up and down, myaa'ing
frantically.
"Shut up, Miho-Ohki! Can't you see I'm..." (she landed another
perfect double-handed wallop right in the small of the back of
one of the zombies; he should have gone down with a broken spine
but instead just carried on as if she'd tickled him with a
feather) "... busy?"
Miho-Ohki ran closer, miyaaing and waving her paws all over the
place. Somehow she managed to do both at the same time without
falling on her face.
She's nuts, Ryoko thought. Oh, what the heck, she probably wants
me to do that transform thing. Well, it can't hurt to try. Just
pretend it's a battle-shout. "By Kekko!" she yelled, waving - or
more precisely, swinging - the baton in an arc that ended in the
side of one zombie's head. It did no damage at all. "And by
Kamen!" The second swing landed in a zombie's belly. "Grant me
the power -" The third struck a shoulder and was ignored like all
the other blows. "That is rightfully mine!"
Ryoko was about to bring the baton down for another completely
useless blow, but something felt strange. There was a lightness
all around her. Time stopped as she twirled around. Her clothes
faded into nothing. "The transformation! It's real!" She'd seen
magical girl shows and knew that they often had a nude scene in
the middle of the transformation sequence. She executed a perfect
back-flip, her enhanced agility astonishing her, and continued
pirouetting, waiting to see what her magical girl costume would
look like.
Nothing happened.
Ryoko stood in the middle of the street, completely starkers,
wondering what to do next.
All four zombies turned towards her, the light of humanity
returning to their eyes. One by one they fell to their knees and
began to whistle and applaud.
To one side, Miho-Ohki looked on in satisfaction. "Yes! The spell
is broken. She truly is the Mystical Babe Sexy Ryoko!"
Standing atop a flagpole high above, Ramia looked down and
cursed. "Impossible! No-one can break my spells so easily!" Deep
in thought, she teleported back to the Magic Kingdom.
Back on the ground, Ryoko turned angry eyes upon a new target.
"Miho-Ohki, where the hell are my clothes?"
"Myaaaaa..."
Ryoko picked up the flustered cabbit. "Well?"
"Ah-ha, I forgot..." came the voice from the translator-collar.
"Forgot what? Aa-choo!"
"Would you please not do that? I'm a long-haired cabbit, and
sneezing over me will mat my fur..."
"SHADDUP! I want an explanation!"
"Okay, okay! Erm... There was something else I was supposed to
give you... some gems that complete the transformation and give
you your full powers... they can also turn you back to normal..."
"Fine. Do you think you could give them to me now, please?"
Ryoko's voice could have condensed helium.
"I... er... I think I left them at your house..."
Ryoko glowered as well as she could with a runny nose. "That does
it! Miho-Ohki, it's cabbit stew time!"
For most of the rest of the morning, the townsfolk were treated
to the sight of the school's notorious bad girl (still in a state
of undress) chasing a terrified cabbit all over the town,
apparently with intent to kill or at least severely maim.
--------------
Tsunami was confused. The Balance of Darkness and Light had
tilted four notches to the left, the side of Light. When the
balance tilted to the right, the side of Darkness, it was her
duty to send in her champion to right wrongs and restore the
balance. But for it to tilt the other way? Did this mean she
would have to... no, she mustn't contemplate such a horrible
possibility. She turned, and saw the poster that Ramia's kid
brother, Rumiya, had pasted on the wall. The masked face of Darth
Vader caught her eye.
"Must this happen?" Tsunami thought. "To defend the Balance, must
I turn to the dark side?"
She opened her viewing scroll and directed it to the area from
which the light energy had emanated. Of course, now it was too
late; Ryoko and all the spectators had long since left. Only Aeka
remained, pulling herself out of the rubble of the wall, a look
of great anger on her face.
Tsunami stared at the face of the schoolgirl. Then at Darth
Vader. Back at Aeka. In her mind the two faces merged into one
frightening visage.
"Yes. She is the one. She will be my new Dark Champion..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
To be continued... if I dare!